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Row with friend- where to next?

(39 Posts)
magicmushrooms2 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:18:34

Bit stuck here...

friend of 35 years. We had a big phone row- try to be brief but she had become a bit remote and not made much effort over 2 years, so I distanced myself, matched her effort, cut down on weekly phone calls and she called me on it telling me we needed to 'talk' about the friendship. So we did and I said I'd felt she wasn't making much effort. She took offence at my suggestion that she had masses more time than me as she doesn't work, doesn't have DCs (I have 3 p/t jobs and 2 DCS)

Row ensued with her shouting down phone and being sarcastic telling me I had issues and needed to be honest. (Think she was suggesting I was jealous that she has a rich DH and she doesn't work- whereas I work but am lucky too that we don't 'need' my income.)

I hung up on her as she was becoming more and more verbally abusive. An hour later I phoned to say sorry, and she just said fine. Then the next day she sent a text which said she hoped our rows etc could be resolved- but she added another barbed, sarcy comment.

I replied saying yes, hope so too.

Nothing for 2 weeks then she leaves me a voicemail saying watch something on TV that has relevance for us both (place we used to work.)

I was gobsmacked because I was still upset over her sarcy text etc.

So- where to now? Was she offering an olive branch?

MammaTJ Mon 16-Jun-14 11:23:18

She was, without a genuine apology. I would write the friendship off, she clearly doesn't value you as a true friend should.

Why did you ring to apologize? She has been distancing herself and clearly hasn't apologized to you. Give it a few more days to think about it but I wouldn't invest too much more into this friendship unless its clear she is going to meet you halfway.

Paddingtonthebear Mon 16-Jun-14 11:31:33

I'd leave it to be honest. She needs to apologise. Friends are supposed to enhance your life not cause conflict. It doesn't seem like you have anything in common anymore.

WilliamShatner Mon 16-Jun-14 11:32:18

Sounds to me as you are both at the same stage and the relationship has fizzled out.

Petty squabbles are an indication that the friendship is dying and it's probably best to part on friendly terms whilst you still can.

magicmushrooms2 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:33:54

I rang to say sorry because I'd hung up on her. I did say to her 'I am going to end this call now because you are shouting at me.'
She seemed oblivious to the fact she'd distanced herself. Basically, she's been passing through my town every week for 2 years ( we live 40 miles apart) and she'd never once suggested calling in. I'd told her it was open house, call in any time, but she never took me up on it.

We go back a long way- DH was a friend of her ex which is how I met DH, and she is godmother to 1 DC.

She has a form for losing her temper- with her DH and family- very volatile- and it always blows over, but she has had professional help to manage her anger. I just felt- sod this, you aren't going to treat me like that and just try to resume it as if nothing has happened.

But I can't quite let go as we do have a lot of history.

Paddingtonthebear Mon 16-Jun-14 11:37:59

Well if you can't let it go then you're probably going to have to accept the fact it's all one sided and that you will be the one apologising and building bridges. Even though you are not at fault. Doesn't really sound like a friendship tbh

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Mon 16-Jun-14 11:38:25

She took offence at my suggestion that she had masses more time than me as she doesn't work, doesn't have DCs (I have 3 p/t jobs and 2 DCS)

oooh. if one of my friends told me I had more time than them because I did not have children, it would be very hurtful. I would ignore it/have ignored things like this but really, you sound like her life is less important/fulfilled/filled than yours.

she is doing things with her life even if it is very different than yours. it does not matter if you think its unimportant. she does and you have made it clear to her you don't.

Paddingtonthebear Mon 16-Jun-14 11:39:42

I'd be asking her why she drives by my house regularly and never wants to meet up.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Mon 16-Jun-14 11:42:47

I would be very very slow to write off a 35 year friendship if the problems you have described are the sum total of all that is wrong.

I'd take it slowly but I wouldn't cut ties not after so long.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Mon 16-Jun-14 11:50:48

OP why does your friend not have children?

magicmushrooms2 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:52:07

But LadyM where would you go from here in my shoes?
In her text- day after the phone call- she said sorry if I'd felt neglected- but she did also included a line that was sarcy, implying I didn't understand the demands on her time. I do think there is a difference between people who have jobs and family needing their time, and people who don't but who still manage ( of course) to fill their days with things they want to do.

I have asked her why she doesn't call in when she's nearby and her answer is that she likes to use the travelling time for thinking time- she's been for anger management/ therapy.

magicmushrooms2 Mon 16-Jun-14 11:52:54

She doesn't have children out of choice.

EverythingCounts Mon 16-Jun-14 11:54:59

I would not write it off but I would be still cautious about the effort I put in. You were right when you started distancing yourself and I would go back to that. So send a text about the programme, say, but then leave it till she gets in touch.

magicmushrooms2 Mon 16-Jun-14 12:01:00

Thanks- everything.
I need some pointers as to how to maintain contact but not look as if all is forgiven when she hasn't made much effort but, more to the point, never seemed to understand how never calling in looked to me - and how I could be hurt. And at the same time she was spending lots of time with other friends.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Mon 16-Jun-14 12:05:37

She doesn't have children out of choice.

I think you need to be careful taking that one at face value. she doesn't have to tell you everything even though you are old friends.

I do think there is a difference between people who have jobs and family needing their time, and people who don't but who still manage ( of course) to fill their days with things they want to do.

she was clearly upset by you saying this to her. read your op.

yes - she is choosing to spend time with her other friends. may be they don't act like her choices in life as less than yours.

HellonHeels Mon 16-Jun-14 12:10:27

I'm a bit on the fence here. It's true she's behaved badly with the shouting, verbals etc.

However I also think you've made huge assumptions about the time she has available and what she does with her time. I too would be irritated at a friend saying flatly that because she had children she was clearly more busy than I was. That's very much an assumption and assumptions are often incorrect.

It seems to me that you don't really know much about what she's been going through in the last couple of years. Weekly therapy is bloody hard work. It can be very distressing. It can make you re-evaluate everything in your life. I've had a lot of therapy in the past and when it was most challenging there is no way I could have coped with seeing a friend beforehand (was usually feeling sick with anxiety) or afterwards (often tearful, angry, upset or just needing to process the session).

Does knowing something about that help you to see anything differently?

Christwaddle Mon 16-Jun-14 12:16:10

Could be choice.
Could be that she says that because she has had 4 failed rounds of ivf and doesn't want you to know?
Perhaps you don't actually know her that well at all?
People change....neither of you are the same people you were 35 years.
It always puts my back up when people list the reasons they are busier (I.e. More important) than me.

TheWavesHaveCome Mon 16-Jun-14 12:28:09

But you forgave her and text back - hope so too. Or gave her the impression you had forgiven her.

If you forgive someone you ever move on with the friendship or if you can't then you cut ties. Holding a grudge and punishing her there's no point to it.

TheWavesHaveCome Mon 16-Jun-14 12:32:12

I do think there is a difference between people who have jobs and family needing their time, and people who don't but who still manage ( of course) to fill their days with things they want to do.

Oh for goodness sake. hmm

I'd have ended a friendship if I knew my friend had this attitude.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Mon 16-Jun-14 12:36:27

yep and OP, your DH, your children are your choices as to how to fill your days.

can you not see how you are treating her?

Clutterbugsmum Mon 16-Jun-14 13:16:52

I have asked her why she doesn't call in when she's nearby and her answer is that she likes to use the travelling time for thinking time- she's been for anger management/ therapy. I'm thinking it may not be working yet.

I think you need to let it go, if she contacts you then be polite but don't necessarily jumpe at being available to her unless you want to.

magicmushrooms2 Mon 16-Jun-14 13:17:26

I'm sorry if this was unclear- but the point I was making is that if you go out for the day and have either a child or a job that you have to get back for, that is not the same as having to get back at a certain time for other reasons which are fun-based and totally within your control. ( and yes, choosing to have a child or a job may be under your control but you can see what I mean.)

I know everything about her fertility and the child/ no child issues. I don't want to share it here but there are no secrets.

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime Mon 16-Jun-14 13:22:39

her life is so full of fun that she needs anger therapy.

TheWavesHaveCome Mon 16-Jun-14 13:26:12

Fun-based and totally in your control?

You really just don't get it do you?

She has made little effort and you have probably made her feel inferior about her lifestyle. You are both at fault.

Look it sounds as if as far as she knows that you have told her the issues you have and that now you have both forgiven each other, so be a grown up and move forward. If you can't then end the friendship. Why hold on to bad feelings and resentment?

It's that simple.

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