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"everyone else in my year is allowed"

(50 Posts)
starburst1979 Sat 14-Jun-14 09:55:06

If I hear that once more this morning, I'll pop. DS is in year 7 and a load of kids are going into town. Its about 8miles away and not a place we visit often. I know the apron strings have to be cut, but I'm not comfortable with him he's trotting out the "mam, everyone else is allowed"...

candycoatedwaterdrops Sat 14-Jun-14 09:56:24

Can you take him there and pick him up? What about him going is bothering you?

MamaPain Sat 14-Jun-14 09:56:27

Totally missing the point of the thread, but can you not reach some compromise?

Hakluyt Sat 14-Jun-14 09:57:33

I don't go for the "everyone else is allowed" all the time, obviously- but can you organise it so that he can go into town? What are they going to do? Could you go to town and meet him after an hour or so?

MyballsareSandy Sat 14-Jun-14 09:59:36

This is the age they start to do this ..... I think you need to let him go. What are your worries?

Hakluyt Sat 14-Jun-14 10:01:04

The first few times mine did this in year 7, I went too (un observed by their friends, obviously) and did some shopping then sat in a coffee shop, just so I was close if something (who knows what, nothing's going to!) went wrong.

HillyHolbrook Sat 14-Jun-14 10:01:16

Is it that it's unfamiliar? Take him at weekends and have him leave you at one place, go find something like a costa or bakery where he can buy a cookie or cake as proof of finding it, then meet you somewhere else. DM did this with me and it made me learn my way quickly, and have him know when he's more familiar with town he can move up to leaving you to go somewhere with his mates then meeting you in an hour or two, then eventually can go alone with his friends.

starburst1979 Sat 14-Jun-14 10:01:19

Just needed a vent really. Asked him what they would do in town as none of them like shopping and he said "have a laugh".

I have another poorly Ds at home or I would have educated them in shopping

MamaPain Sat 14-Jun-14 10:01:25

Is he twelve yet? It's reaching the end of the year so, he's properly into seniors now. I do think it would be good to let him go.

When mine have been 12 I've normally let them go into town (central London) in pairs or a small group. They need to text me every couple of hours and there are agreed times about coming home.

Trills Sat 14-Jun-14 10:02:42

"Everyone else is allowed"

Options here:
1 - it's not true
2 - it is true, but "everyone else's" parents are wrong to let their children go
3 - it is true, but there's some reason why your DS is different to the other children
4 - it is true, and you are wrong to not let him go

Which do you think it is?

Knowing what other children of the same age are allowed to do is valid evidence for putting forward the argument of I am old enough to do X.

Even if it is an annoying thing to say.

Hakluyt Sat 14-Jun-14 10:03:13

How would he be getting there?

wineoclocktimeye Sat 14-Jun-14 10:05:04

Oh I am so with you about this. According to DS1 the whole of his Year 7 spend their lives in Bluewater alone. We live some way away and it would take him 3 buses to get there- our compromise, is that I take him and hide in a coffee shop sneakly do some shopping and we meet back at the car at a set time.

If we do happen to cross paths, I am to totally ignore him smile

Sparklingbrook Sat 14-Jun-14 10:05:50

My DS2 also Yr7 regularly goes into town about 8 miles away on the bus. blush

wineoclocktimeye Sat 14-Jun-14 10:06:46

Snap Hakluyt

LightastheBreeze Sat 14-Jun-14 10:15:18

Depends on how they get there, if it one bus to another town with a reasonable bus service, I would let him, but if it involves changes with infrequent buses, I'm not so sure. Or are other parents taking them, if so could you offer to drive them there/pick them up.

Notso Sat 14-Jun-14 10:19:31

It is an annoying phrase, sometimes I hear my Mums voice come out of my mouth saying "Well I'm not everyone else's Mother am I?" and wonder where the laid back Mum I told my teenage self I would be has gone.

However Trills has it spot on and I think in this case you need to work out a compromise because in my experience year 7 is a pretty standard age for this, and having a laugh is generally what they do.

MrsCripps Sat 14-Jun-14 10:21:45

Your DS is 12 ?

Perfectly reasonable for a 12 year old to get the bus into town with friends.
Does he already get the school bus?
I wouldn't be to keen on the "Having a laugh bit" and usually provided some cash for a lunch/drink etc. Chores first [grin}
I think mine went to the cinema as well at this age.
Talk before hand about behaviour/time to be home etc.

Notso Sat 14-Jun-14 10:24:11

Can you find a parent ally from his friends parents? I share very similar values with one of DD's friends Mum's we often meet to chat about if they will/won't be allowed to do certain things and it means I can confidently say "well Amber is not allowed" although it also means DD can say to me "even Amber is allowed so you need to let me" grin

TidyDancer Sat 14-Jun-14 10:25:39

What kind of freedom does he have? What is it about this that concerns you?

DeWee Sat 14-Jun-14 10:27:32

I remember having to persuade my dm the same. Actually it was quite important that I was able to go into the big scary town on my own with friends. It is quite important bonding time. Also if you don't in year 7, then when do you think it's old enough?
I know my db had huge problems at university because he'd never done such things and so was totally naive when it came to town shopping and things that I'd done from year 7.

But we used to go in to "shop", usually with something specific in mind. I'd be a little concerned what "laugh" they're going for. I'd want to know more about what they're planning to do.
Dd1 said that some of her form were going in to town to "play tricks" on the shopkeepers. I asked what she meant and she thought they meant go and ask silly questions. I have a suspicion that the idea was that some of the stronger characters would get the more innocent ones to do that while they did a spot of shoplifting. Was very glad that dd1 had no interest whatsoever in going in. I did drop the hint to one of the "innocent ones"' mum as well.

dietcokeandcadburys Sat 14-Jun-14 10:30:21

By 'have a laugh' I presume he means maybe go and get some food, walk around the shops but not actually buy anything. That's the sort of thing I used to do in town at that age.

I'd let him go.

Bunbaker Sat 14-Jun-14 10:31:30

The first time I let DD go into town with friends I took her and her friends and let them go off and do as they pleased while I looked around the shops on my own. I was on the other end of a phone and only a few minutes away from them. I did this a couple of times. Now she is 13 and has done this several times so I feel completely comfortable with the idea.

Letting go is hard, but it has to be done.

I hate the phrase "everyone else does this", but in this case it is probably true.

Is there anyone who can look after your other son while you take your son into town (if there are no buses)?

numptieseverywhere Sat 14-Jun-14 10:32:11

my 11 year old will be using public transport to catch a bus to school over ten miles away.

Hakluyt Sat 14-Jun-14 10:34:32

Ds and I have lots of talks about how teenagers are perceived,and how they will be judged. And that the slightest hint of less than perfect behaviour will be super-judged. Now, towards the end of Year 8 he is very clear which people he likes going into town with and which he doesn't. But he wouldn't have been able to make those choices if he hadn't been allowed to go when he was younger. I can't make those choices for him any more because I don't know most of his year.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes Sat 14-Jun-14 10:35:37

I think the old 'where will you be, who exactly with, and how long for'.

When expanded, this means I want full names and I want to meet them at some point in the next 2 months, and a parent where possible, assumimg it's a regular thing, and to help with lifts and so on. Gives them a wider support network. As they get more freedom and a boyfriend/girlfriend, I want the close friend's mobile number and address too, have them around for meals and meet parents for a cup of tea (if we're the types to get on ok.)
Going back to year 7 shopping trips, I want to know which part of town, which shops, let me know if there is a big change and ASK before deciding on adding cinema or a meal out or extending stay. They also have to be at the pick up point before me and not keep me waiting.

It was all a work in progress in Y7 but it gradually came togethwr and the 'where, who,when' guideline has really taken stress out of the conversations now that I get actual full and honest answers.

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