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11 year old DD lying about internet use.

(33 Posts)
CrabbyBlossomBottom Tue 03-Jun-14 08:32:04

DD get a very generous excessive 2 hours a days free screen time on her laptop. She mainly goes on Minecraft or Animal Jam, or looks up MC mods and youtube videos. Lately she has been going on her laptop at other times too, telling me that she is on Memrise and Mathletics, both educational sites. I was happy that she was taking control of her own learning and being self-directed. [gullible fool emoticon] hmm

On checking her browser history, it transpires that this isn't the case, and she's been reading about MC mods/youtube vids.

For repeatedly lying, I've confiscated the laptop for a week, and I'm permanently cutting her leisure screentime. It's made me realise, though, that I really need to get on the case with parental control software.

I don't want server-level controls to be too stringent (ie Sky's controls) because that would affect all devices in the house including my laptop and ipad and DP's phone. I'd like to be able to set moderate (age guide 13, I guess) controls on DD's own laptop, and then set very stringent controls on another laptop which she can use for online school when she starts in September. For that one I'd like to be able to block all her usual leisure sites so that she's not tempted to wander off during lessons and bugger about on youtube.

Does anyone have any experience with programs like Net Nanny and the like? There seem to be so many programs around and I'm dithering about what to go for. Any advice on this/recommendations gratefully received, thanks.

wubwubwub Tue 03-Jun-14 08:40:15

You can use something like Net Nanny or if you want afree version K9 web portection

wubwubwub Tue 03-Jun-14 08:41:55

Also, Windows 8 (if you're using that) has in built parental controls.

You can set time limits, quatoas and website blocking per computer, it will also track websites.

Nocomet Tue 03-Jun-14 08:45:55

Good God the worlds about to end.

Reading about minecraft mods and aatching a few youtube videos is lying and worth getting cross about.

CrabbyBlossomBottom Tue 03-Jun-14 08:50:52

Thanks no, that's helpful. hmm

Wubwub thanks, I'd read about that, but all our machines are Windows 7 or XP/Vista. DD uses Chrome and I think will be upset if I uninstall it. She might have to lump it though and get used to K9.

wubwubwub Tue 03-Jun-14 09:01:00

Family safety is part of Windows 7 and XP too smile You have to installi t as part of Windows Live Essentials

outtolunchagain Tue 03-Jun-14 09:06:33

If you have BT interenet you can set different controls for different devices, for example my two elder children have 18 plus but the younger one only 12, plus the two younger ones devices cannot access the internet after 9pm on school nights

Nocomet Tue 03-Jun-14 09:36:31

It's realistic, not helpful.

Our DCs are children of the internet age, whether we like it or not.

I really believe in education not regulation. If you put on time limits and net nanny software, they will look for ways round it.

They will constantly nag for more time or different things to be permitted.

How on earth do you decide exactly what a 11,12,13,14 yearold is and isn't allowed in a world with a billion sites.

How do you ensure your 11y doesn't look at 'unsuitable' things over your older DCs shoulder or borrow their laptop.

You can not watch your DCs all the time, you have no idea what they are putting on instagram or FB on their DFs phone or computer.

One day DC1 will be 16 and DC2 13, the same ages as my DDs. No way could I have one rule for DD1 and another for DD2, they chat, they watch each others fav. Youtube videos, fan ficton, stories and internet sites, just as they share books, hair curling wands and nail vanish.

Iamthetortoise Tue 03-Jun-14 09:40:24

I agree with you Nocomet. Children need to learn and self regulate.

CrabbyBlossomBottom Tue 03-Jun-14 09:43:24

out we have Sky not BT - they do have family controls but it's applied to all machines using the router, unfortunately. I don't really fancy having MN blocked or all the "fucking cunty bollocks" astericked out as obscenities. grin

wub I will check that out thanks. Maybe it isn't worth paying for software then.

I'd still like to be able to block certain sites on the laptop she'll use for school though. Also to make sure that she can't delete internet history, which I don't think is possible with Chrome.

fucking cunty bollocks grin grin grin


CrabbyBlossomBottom Tue 03-Jun-14 15:19:01

And then all I'd see would be

*** * ***

Or a 'You are unable to view this page due to obscenities contained therein' or something.


CrabbyBlossomBottom Tue 03-Jun-14 15:19:47

Oh I put more astericks in than that!

CrabbyBlossomBottom Tue 03-Jun-14 15:32:29

No and Iam...

DD has been getting 2 hours a day to do exactly what she likes on her laptop. I think that's a lot, personally. She doesn't self-regulate very well because she tends to be obsessive in her interests.

DD is home educated, which means that during the day she is supposed to be learning stuff. I know that she learns things on Minecraft too, but she has the aforementioned 2 hours for that. If she tells me that she is doing a certain thing on the computer - maths exercises, researching something, whatever - then I need to be able to trust her word that she is doing what she says she is. She and I would resent me having to breathe down her neck all the time whilst she's on there. By repeatedly lying to me about what she's been doing, she has betrayed the trust I put in her to keep to her half of the deal. If it isn't lying, what the hell is it? confused

In September she'll be enrolling in an online school. I don't want to be standing over her all the time whilst she's in lessons, nor would she want me too. She's just shown me, though, that she can't resist the temptation to go and muck about on Youtube/looking up MC stuff, so what's to stop her doing the same during a lesson? I want her to know that I can check on her internet history as a deterrent to that. What would you suggest otherwise?

Nocomet Tue 03-Jun-14 16:39:12

I can see HE is far more of a problem.

DD1 and me have had the odd Dr Who is not revision conversation.

And DD2 and me will have to have a "have you got a Y8 exam in SIMs3" chat.

Not having any faith in net nannying software or fixed time limits, does not absolve one from general parenting duties.

Nor from the certain knowledge that DDs are devious, so and sos, remove their laptops and they are likely to be reading a book or doing art rather than revision.

I really did decide you can't win when I found DD1 collecting Ideas for A level art, when she hasn't finished her GCSEs.

creamteas Tue 03-Jun-14 17:05:03

DD has been getting 2 hours a day to do exactly what she likes on her laptop. I think that's a lot, personally

I'm not clear on what is the real issue here.

Is it that your DD is not doing the education activities that you want her to do as part of HE?

Or is it that you want to decide what she does in her free time?

If the former, I think your concerns are justified, but if it is that you want to decided what she does for fun then I think you need to lighten up a bit and allow her to choose.

BertieBotts Tue 03-Jun-14 17:12:38

K9 is best in terms of software, very customisable.

Might be worth asking on the HE board for advice? I think it's different and possibly also depends how structured your HE is.

Is it possible that she had intended to go onto the educational sites but got sidetracked? I never do this, oh no never at all

CrabbyBlossomBottom Tue 03-Jun-14 18:31:03

D'oh... nor would she want me to, not nor would she want me too.

cream yes it's the former. I don't mind at all what she does in her 2 hrs free screentime - within age-appropriate limits obviously - although I am increasingly thinking that 2 hrs a day is excessive. Since I imposed the laptop ban she's spent more time outside than she had in months (albeit a couple of hours of that was her 'running away' in protest at the ban grin). Much healthier than staring at a screen.

Bertie I think I'll give K9 a try. One of her friends uses that. DD is very resistant to change and likes using Chrome, but there isn't the option with Chrome to prevent history being deleted. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think that initially she was going on the sites she said she was, and then the temptation to wander grew, until she wasn't going on the sites she said she was at all.

no I don't want to curtail her freedom completely, but I do want to be aware of what she's doing on the internet, and since I'd imagine she's savvy enough to work out how to delete internet history, I need to find a way of being able to prevent that. I also need to put some filters in place because I don't want her inadvertantly (or deliberately) stumbling across porn or any other nasties. We've had all the talks and overall she's a sensible kid, but it's easy to come across horrible stuff and as I've explained to her plenty of times; you can't un-see something. I should have put controls in place already - I've been slack. She gets a lot of freedom but I need to be able to trust her if that's to continue.

Nocomet Wed 04-Jun-14 01:39:56

Trouble with nasties you can't unsee is they don't necessarily appear on porn sites.

I'd love to unsee a two headed kitten, posted by some thoughtless vet, which came up on the most innocent of searches.

Never got porn so bad I want to unsee it, or that would especially shock my DDs.

CorusKate Wed 04-Jun-14 01:56:42

What's wrong with a two-headed kitten? I'd've been fascinated by that as a kid. It's a little bit gruesome but it's as good a place as any to be introduced to the concept of disorders of development of that type and the fact that things sometimes go wrong.

CrabbyBlossomBottom Wed 04-Jun-14 10:57:34

Nocomet do you feel that conjoined human twins are an internet nasty? If not, why would a kitten be? confused

Like Corus, I would expect DD would be interested by the biology of a malformed animal, and sympathetic to its plight. I really don't think that's comparable to seeing images of violence, extreme sex or cruelty.

Do you not have any controls in place on your computer at all then No? Would you not mind your DDs watching porn or seeing images of violence and death? Does it not concern you that they may be talking to strangers on the internet who aren't who they say they are/are saying inappropriate stuff?

Nocomet Wed 04-Jun-14 12:13:01

Because the kitten was clearly dead and it jumped out me during a search for cute kitten pictures for a (at the time very young DD) who fortunately had got bored and wandered off.

We run with moderate safe search on, nothing more. I'm sure the DDs have seen things they have clicked away from quickly, just as they choose not to watch the news, but in my years of Internet surfing I have never found extreme porn or violence. Yes you get views between women's legs and men's cocks, but much more requires you to follow links.

I trust my DDs not to follow such links and not to go on chat rooms. Just as I have to trust them to look when they cross the road on their own.

(Far more scary, DD2 is utterly dippy with roads)

Oh and there is one last thing. DH is a computer scientist by profession and for fun. The DDs have always known that everything bar their phones (and DD2's web access is awful) goes through his unix box. If he wants to read your history he can.

But truly we have never got the slightest suspicion that we need to.

maninawomansworld Wed 04-Jun-14 13:33:16

* cross post from another thread at the request of O.P*

I have a bit of software (set up for me by an I.T pal) called 'watchguard vpn'. It is designed for people who work from home to be able to remotely access their office computers while out of the office or for I.T tech support to be able to remotely take control of and fix your office computer without physically coming out to you.

It also has a screen only setting where you can just remotely watch what the person is doing. You can literally see their screen on your computer.

You set it up on your computer and also on the kids computers without their knowledge . Once set up it is silent and doesn't interfere with the operation of their computers, unless they're really very tech savvy they will never know it's sat there allowing you to see what they're doing. If they do find it and manage to disable it, there is a log of what they've done so you can go to them and demand to know why they've disabled it.

Fannydabbydozey Wed 04-Jun-14 13:39:55

I have word barriers set up with my internet provider. I can see what my kids are looking at online from my iPad..

The barriers are somewhat useful however it now means I can't look at any sites in Sussex or Essex... And Scunthorpe is completely out of the equation. Dh's can't remember the site password to change this so I'm stuck now...

I checked my 9 yearly daughter's internet yesterday and she was googling "cute boys" hmm

DaVinciNight Wed 04-Jun-14 14:22:24

nocomet could you tell me how you have taught your dcs self control re internet and computers?

Because even though I've tried numerous times and different techniques, it doesn't work with my two dcs. And if I am really honest with myself, I am finding that hard too blush.
Now if course if that doesn't hurt me, it probably doesn't hurt them but I actually think it does hurt me in some ways (eg procrastinating, getting 'addicted' to MN etc...) and I would rather teach my dcs To spend their time in the real world rather than fixed on a computer. Just as I am trying to teach them to eat healthily and hopefully avoid the mistakes I have done myself.

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