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Might actually fucking explode

(60 Posts)
footballagain Mon 02-Jun-14 23:13:51

I'm just feeling really overwhelmed.

I know this is hideously overindulgent but I just want someone to just rest their hand on my arm, smile at me, whatever they feel like doing to be nice to another human being.

In the past 5 years (stop, I was going to write a list but it started getting out of control in my head so I'll bullet point it, if I can):

Positives:
I got married
I got 2 gorgeous dogs
My step daughters are growing into beautiful people and I'm so proud of them
I got my kitchen tiled (yay!)

Negatives:
My brother died
My Mum died
My Dad is seeing another woman
My other brother isn't talking to me because he thinks I've lied about my dad seeing another woman
My husband is abroad at the moment so I've no one to sob over
I went from a very well paid job to being self employed
Leaving my well paid job was particularly traumatic -my boss attempted to get me out over non-performance. He was so spectacularly shite at it, I ended up settling out of court. They fired him a month later (I heard on the grapevine he was partial to a bit of coke)

Honestly, you couldn't make this shit up.

But more than any of this crap, I just miss my Mum. I miss her so much.

susiedaisy Mon 02-Jun-14 23:16:30

Sending you hugs and positive thoughts thanks

theuncivilservant79 Mon 02-Jun-14 23:18:45

Oh bless you. Big hugs

Nerf Mon 02-Jun-14 23:19:48

Poor you, what a crappy time you've had. Mums can be an absolute lifeline and I'm so sorry you don't have yours with you.

footballagain Mon 02-Jun-14 23:20:14

Thank you Susie

Don't know what's wrong with me tonight!

FernMitten Mon 02-Jun-14 23:22:16

I'm sorry for your loss of your Mum and brother thanks
What an awful time for you.

I hope your self-employment is going well, is it a job you enjoy?

Selks Mon 02-Jun-14 23:22:57

You're allowed to feel fed up sometimes you know, and you're allowed to miss your Mum. I still miss mine, 27 years on. thanks

Nocomet Mon 02-Jun-14 23:26:22

Hugs, I know DH, still misses his DM 14years later.

It gets massively better, but if the phone rings during tea a little bit of me, still wants it to be her.

Hopefully, your brother will calm down, he's had a lot to cope with too.

footballagain Mon 02-Jun-14 23:27:03

Thank you

I've got myself into a right state tonight, huge wracking sobs. I don't usually post like this.

emotionsecho Mon 02-Jun-14 23:32:08

You sound like you have had a really awful time recently, it always seems like the crap just piles on relentlessly.

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but my thoughts are with you and I'm so sorry to hear about your mum not a day goes by when I don't miss mine.thanks

AndyYorkeSingsBetterThanThom Mon 02-Jun-14 23:33:21

Have extra hugs. thanks

My mum died in March. We had a volatile relationship. Tonight as I went into her house to see my dad, I remembered her saying to me, pleadingly, "When this is over, you will make him a cup of tea, won't you?" She loved him so much. I cried, wiped my secret tears and made him a brew. Last week I had a 'moment' when I was thinking of wearing a new top and thought I'd show my mum - but I can't, and it sent me into a panic! I don't need her approval of my clothes, we parted ways on that years ago, but I just wanted to show her.

You're allowed to miss your mum.

footballagain Mon 02-Jun-14 23:42:45

There are moments that just catch me, take my breath away.

She died in October last year from lung cancer. She was only in her 60s. The hospice were bloody amazing.

I typed a lot of other stuff then deleted it because I don't want to upset anyone.

footballagain Mon 02-Jun-14 23:45:16

I'm also in bloody bits watching James new single.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 02-Jun-14 23:45:35

I'm so sorry things are rubbish OP.

There's nothing that can be said is there? Along with the great stuff in life is the shit stuff and you just have to go through it. It's crap.

Sorry you are feeling so low and especially that your DH isn't there for you to lean on.

Scarletohello Mon 02-Jun-14 23:50:10

It sounds like you have faced some genuine losses the last few years. I wonder if you have properly grieved your family members? The things you didn't post I'd really encourage you to do so. It will help you get some objectivity and insight into them. You won't 'upset' anyone by doing so but expressing them may help you heal them...

footballagain Mon 02-Jun-14 23:54:53

I know Bruno

Honestly, I'm the most straight laced person usually. I've just had a massive wobble tonight. Probably because I feel very alone (the house is empty of furniture, I've posted about this an another thread).

Anyway, I'm sorry to be a pain.

emotionsecho Mon 02-Jun-14 23:59:08

OP we all need to let it all out sometimes, I remember standing in the middle of a car park just shouting, screaming and crying, and the thing that tipped me over the edge - I dropped a shopping bag and broke some eggs.

WorraLiberty Tue 03-Jun-14 00:05:31

You're not a pain OP flowers

I lost my Sister and my Mum 12 and 11 years ago and although it gets easier, there are still times when you miss them more than ever...especially when other things happen in life and you know they would have been there to support you.

We all have a wobble now and then, it's what gets us through x

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert Tue 03-Jun-14 00:08:49

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling, and I totally understand. I lost my mum 10 years ago and my dad 2 1/2 years ago. It's early days for you with your grief so be indulgent and cry if you need to - it's part of the process of healing. One thing I learnt in my grieving process was to be kind to myself and you must too. Be self-indulgent - you can't always be strong and stiff upper lip and emotions boil over. I fell out with my sister too, and she has banned me from seeing my beloved niece and nephews so I get how lonely it can feel. Don't feel bad for feeling bad, let it out and be grateful that your precious mum raised you to be someone in touch with your emotions. Cry your heart out if you need to, you will feel better for it in the morning. God bless x

charlieandlola Tue 03-Jun-14 00:10:32

Grief has no timescale

It's ok to cry for your mum even years down the line.
My 80 year old mum still grieves for her dad who died 40 years ago. Love endures

flowers

BrianTheMole Tue 03-Jun-14 00:10:42

I'm sorry op flowers

GiveTwoSheets Tue 03-Jun-14 00:14:10

Big squishy hugs to you x

SecretWitch Tue 03-Jun-14 00:14:47

So sorry you are having a rough time. My dad has been gone thirteen years, I will miss him every day of my life. Be easy with yourself..flowers

footballagain Tue 03-Jun-14 00:25:37

You're right, all of you. Thank you for being so kind.

Love endures. That had me balling again.

As does this, not least because I can't have kids - m.youtube.com/watch?v=aWPgJkOdUZU&feature=kp

sugar21 Tue 03-Jun-14 00:30:47

Big Hugs OP. Life has a way of throwing crap at us I think. My DD died then my Dad died 2yrs later EXH was a pig so got divorced now DM has re-married and sodded off to sodding Canada with her toy boy. You have to grieve and have a bloody good sob (me most nights) because it's the only way of letting the pain and anger out. I miss my Dad even though I'm adopted and I so so so wish DD was still here. I only had her for 7 months. I like to think all our lost ones are with the angels if that's any help.

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