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Any other bi/lesbian mums out there?.... Feeling rather alone.

(65 Posts)
merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 10:40:04

Hello smile

You may wonder why I haven't posted this on the lesbian/gay parents board, but to be perfectly honest, it's dead! So I'm hoping I'll have more luck here.

I'm 30, bi sexual and have a 7 year old DD from a previous relationship. I have a gf who I've been with for a year now.

Where I live is quite conservative and I don't know any other bi/gay people...........atall! I know we're not the only ones! grin But sometimes, I have to say, it feels like it. Also, living in this kind of area, we get a lot of disapproving looks and comments. Not nice as you can imagine, or possibly relate to. Also, we're both very feminine (especially me) and this seems to throw people completely! Some people (mainly men tbf) can't seem to accept that we're actually a couple. Quite insulting really. Anyway, brief rant over......for now wink

I looked in to local groups/meet ups etc, but tbh, I didn't really like the sound of any of them, so thought I'd see who's about on here.

Would be great to hear back from any like minded women out there.

Thanks ladies.

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 11:09:43

Anyone? sad

BananaBeforeBed Fri 23-May-14 11:15:23

I am not a like minded woman, as I am straight, but I didn't want this to go unanswered.

Do you think people see it as unusual for you to be a gay couple, or gay parents?

And - just a thought - but are you possibly overplaying how big an issue it is, when most people don't notice or don't mind, but you maybe notice the minority?. Might it help to view all the tolerant ones instead? My son is gay, I've certainly not heard any sniggering or derogatory comments, but that could be as he is not in a long term partnership.

Sorry, but of a ramble, hope people become more tolerant soon.

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 11:33:18

Hi banana

I think sometimes, yes, I am probably a little over sensitive and am maybe a little paranoid. However, we have had some nasty comments and we often get stares and tuts, so my paranoia is feeding of that I suppose.

Does your son live in a fairly liberal area? If me and my gf hold hands, or heaven forbid, kiss shock in public, we often get people whispering and/or staring.

I feel quite isolated a lot of the time. My gf is much more confident with who she is and is kind of oblivious to the looks we get. I'm glad she doesn't always notice them, I just wish I didn't. Well, I wish it just wasn't an issue for anyone anymore.

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 11:34:10


hotcrosshunny Fri 23-May-14 11:36:48

Where do you live?

I know of one couple at my ds's school who are gay but being south London it isn't a big deal.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Fri 23-May-14 11:37:41

Again, not gay/bi myself, so might not fully understand, but could you just try going to non bi/gay groups to make non bi/gay friends? I don't see what difference it would make, but as I say, may not fully understand the issue

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Fri 23-May-14 11:39:05

PS - two of my DDs female teachers are gay and married to each other. They've just had a baby, and it seems to be very well accepted in the school and local community (Wiltshire).

shakethetree Fri 23-May-14 11:42:29

Hi :-) I'm bi-sexual but haven't been in a relationship with a woman for years - have you not got a local LGBT group? ( just a thought )

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 11:47:39

hotcross, I live in the midlands.

Youdont, I get what you're saying and actually, I think I would have said the same before I was in a same sex relationship. Why should a friendship start purely based on your sexuality?..... The thing is, it's not about meeting other bi/lesbian women to just talk about our sexuality, it would just be nice to talk to people who get it, without necessarily having to talk about it specifically iyswim.

NotCitrus Fri 23-May-14 12:31:21

Shame you missed Big Bi Fun Day last week in Leicester - it's aimed at bisexuals with small children! BiCon is at the end of July in Leeds - residential bookings needed by end May. Great event for making friends and just being around people who 'get it'.
If you look on the Bi Community News website you'll get the latest on local groups - think there's ones in Brum and Leicester at least.

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 13:21:11

Shake, sorry I missed your post

Have got a local lgbt group, but when I did some research, there wasn't really anything that I liked the sound of. I'll have another look though.

How did you find the reactions of others when you were in a relationship with a woman?

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 17:39:54

Thanks NotCitrus. Haven't heard of that before. Have you been?

Salazar Fri 23-May-14 17:42:20

Gay Pride season is coming up! Usually happens in July and August. All the big city Gay Prides (worked for Manchester Pride for a while) have family fun days. Days designed for lgbt parents with kids to meet, get to know each other and entertain the kids.

Have a look on your closest City's Pride website!

BananaBeforeBed Fri 23-May-14 17:57:12

DS lives near edinburgh, but not in any cool part!

usualnamechanger Fri 23-May-14 18:03:58

merlot I am not bi/gay, but I think you should go to the groups, most people don't care and won't be asking about your sexuality (it's actually assumed once you have children you rarely have time to have sex grin).

Try and hopefully you will find some friendly people, maybe arseholes too, but ignore them. I know it's difficult, but you need to do it not just because of you, but because of your child, so you can show her to be confident. (sorry if I don't make any sense, I'm sleep deprived).

Good luck!

MooseyMouse Fri 23-May-14 19:02:21

I'm a lesbian with three kids. There are others here too. Welcome!

theresnowheretohidewithachip Fri 23-May-14 19:02:36

I'm not bi/gay but there are a few women who are in the WI group I go to. It might be worth checking out the WI's in your area because, while some are rather staid and have an older demographic, there are an increasing amount that have a greater mix of ages and more contemporary activities sprining up these days. Ours is a very inclusive, friendly and interesting bunch and make everyone welcome regardless of race, religion, sexuality.

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 19:11:26

Thanks everyone.

Maybe I need to just bite the bullet and give some of these groups and try. I'm quite shy at first, so I'd be initially really nervous I think.

CaulkheadUpNorth Fri 23-May-14 19:19:55

I know a couple in Solihull with an 11 year old daughter. You've said you're in the midlands, so let me know if you'd like to be put in touch with them.

theresnowheretohidewithachip Fri 23-May-14 19:20:01

It's ok to be shy/nervous. Very few people can walk into a room full of people they don't know and feel totally confident (and they're probably faking it.)

merlotguzzler Fri 23-May-14 19:46:22

I take it you mean a lesbian couple Caulkhead grin Wouldn't they mind?

therenowhere, true. Maybe I was just put off by some of the group names. One was 'Dykes Who Hike' confused They were all similar to that actually, as in, 'stereotypical' lesbian type activities.

I do want to meet more women like me, but some of the names were a bit full on and overwhelming.

CaulkheadUpNorth Fri 23-May-14 19:55:26

Merlot- yes, a lesbian couple. I can ask them, they are pretty laid back and very friendly.

HermioneWeasley Fri 23-May-14 20:02:29

You are going to have to go to some groups if you want to meet other queer parents. We are part if a couple of groups and made good friends through it. It's like any group of people - some you will click with better than others.

Are you really getting funny looks? We live in a very straight area with lots of retired people and nobody bats an eyelid.

theresnowheretohidewithachip Fri 23-May-14 20:04:48

I can see how names like Dykes Who Hike could be off-putting or intimidating.

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