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Would you contact someone who bullied you at school?

(116 Posts)
flippinada Sun 11-May-14 16:50:17

Just saw a thread about bullying and it reminded me about something.

I've noticed that a friend of a friend is someone who bullied me at school. Not as bad as some, but enough that I remember it.

I've vaguely considered messaging them to say do you remember doing x and are you sorry? Or is this a monumentally bad idea?

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:32:21

Darmok, I don't blame you.

MargotLovedTom Sun 11-May-14 17:32:22

X post

The short answer is No, definitely not! !!

Bullys rarely change imho.
If the person that bullied me were to try and 'friend' me I would reject it & most probably block them too.

everlong Sun 11-May-14 17:33:49

I wouldn't.
You might not get an apology and you could be left feeling frustrated and bruised.

Bullies imo usually stay shite.

hesterton Sun 11-May-14 17:38:51

I was contacted some years ago on Friends Reunited by a woman who had quite significantly bullied both my sister and myself in the 70s at school. She wrote to say she was sorry and she often wondered why she joined in the general picking on us. (Actually she was definitely the ring leader and I was very frightened of her.)

I wrote back to say not to worry as I couldn't remember who she was, and had had a wonderful adulthood to date , probably more appreciated for not having particularly enjoyed school days.

I wouldn't have given her the power to know she had been such a negative influence by contacting her though.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 17:46:19

Excuse random extra words, am doing lots of things at once.

everlong I suspect you are right.

hesterton that sounds like a good response!

However I certainly won't be opening myself up to a whole load of who knows what my messaging so I won't do it.

I sent a message to the two worst culprits, asking them if they realised how much harm their bullying had done to me, and how did they feel about the fact that I had been suicidal at age 14 thanks to them. They never bothered to respond.

deerkitty Sun 11-May-14 18:09:04

A boy who made my life a living hell at school so much so that I overdosed tried to friend me on FB. I declined his request. I remember seeing him at a club many years ago as a married adult and actually breaking out in a cold sweat and had to leave. My ex husband finally got it out if be as to efts was wrong and he wanted to go and speak it him but I never let him.

I saw on FB he has three daughters and the really nasty horrible part of me thought I hope one day one his daughters is made to feel the same then it might clue him in. Then I felt really bad.

No. The people who bullied me left me with an incurable nerve disease that means I'm permanently disabled for life and in agonizing pain every single minute of every day. I admit I am very bitter, they took my life away from me for many years and I had to give up on my dreams. I will never forgive them, no apology would ever be enough for what they have done and what they have taken away from me

MakeMineaMartina Sun 11-May-14 18:14:29

One sad that's awful. disgraceful that they got away with it too. the injustice of it all.

I had a similar thing happen to me.

OP, thing is, these memories come back to bite you, they never go away, and siometimes I feel like doing what you're proposing to get some closure, but it usually doesn't end well, as some posters have said, they prob wont reply anyway, and they mostly wont care what they did, they prob still do it.

Deathraystare Sun 11-May-14 18:20:08

I would not get in touch with them and say anything. I wasn't badly bullied, it was more a kind of harrassing people and everyone got it (that did not make it alright obvs, but I never felt I was singled out, or a victim). It was worse for people that where friends with this silly group because when they got bored of anoying everyone else they turned on their own group.

I just hated school for other reasons. I would have no interest in meeting anyone else from school whether they had been good, bad or indifferent.

A Bully would deny or not care what happened to you anyway so why bother talking to them. If you ever meet face to face they are unlikely to bring it up and if you do they will say "Oh that was al ong time ago..."

ClashCityRocker Sun 11-May-14 18:24:26

I'd just Facebook stalk them and sneer at their lives but I'm quite pathetic like that

Seriously, OP, I wouldn't go there. It would only reopen old hurts and wouldn't resolve anything.

MakeMineaMartina Sun 11-May-14 18:28:59

worst thing is when you know theyre having the life of riley!

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 18:35:09

SDTG, One and Make I'm so sorry that happened to you, how completely unfair and awful.

I don't have any interest in stalking this person tbh or knowing anything about them. I just don't like them. I was just wondering whether it would be a good idea and I can see it isn't.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 18:37:09

Deathray that's like what happened to me. Bitchy stuff, name calling, doing things to make me look stupid, nasty jokes, that type of thing. She was part of a gang and tbh I think they just weren't very nice girls.

Gileswithachainsaw Sun 11-May-14 18:38:24

I wouldn't. Either they haven't changed a bit and are still nasty.

Or they grew up and actually regret what they did and would feel awful that you remember it all these years later.

Either way no one wins.

flappityfanjos Sun 11-May-14 18:43:28

Nope, I wouldn't. There's only one response that would satisfy me, and many possible responses that would just bring back the pain - what are the chances of getting what I want? It's not worth reliving it all.

I do wonder, from time to time, whether it would help me if one of them decided to get in touch and tell me that they are sorry for their behaviour back then. Whether it would give me a bit of closure. I don't know, and it isn't likely to happen.

I also wonder what happens if a bully's child becomes a victim of bullies (I wouldn't wish that hell on any child, but if it did happen). Does it make the bully realise the hurt they caused in the past?

maddy68 Sun 11-May-14 18:49:13

I did actually
She has a different perspective to the one I had, she thought she and I were friends and she was teasing.
It was quite cathartic actually

specialsubject Sun 11-May-14 18:51:33

I'd say 'don't'. If they contact you and apologise, then consider what you want to say.

Otherwise rely on 'what goes around, comes around' and don't dig it all up again.

MakeMineaMartina Sun 11-May-14 18:52:58

very interesting thread this, thanks for starting this, OP.

amazing as adults we can still think about all this and how its affected our lives. and it still lurks like an oozing scar.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 11-May-14 18:55:52

My nephew has a disability and is frequently name called and bullied. BiL confessed that when he was in school he did the same to a kid with a disability (BiL is not a very nice person).

It cuts him up actually, I know it does. Some would call it karma.

springsummerautumnpresents Sun 11-May-14 18:56:04

This one girl bullied me real bad in primary school. Turns out a month after leaving year 6 her mother died of cancer. Her mum totally deserved to die after the way her daughter treated me. I still have my lovely mummy smile No, I wouldn't give her the time of day!

frankie80 Sun 11-May-14 18:56:27

don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they are still getting to you.

But if they are a friend of a friend, they might be able to see comments on your mutual friend's posts as well as photos of you. Make sure you look happy and amazing!

One girl who bullied me at school is a friend of a friend. She lives near my mum and her DS plays with my DD whenever my DD is at her grans. She always looks uncomfortable when she sees me. Although I'm not overly friendly, I speak to her if I have to. Not doing so would be worse imo and I get a satisfaction from acting like I'm not bothered by her.

There are others though I'd never speak to again in a million years or be anywhere near and if I discovered we had a mutual friend, it would damage my relationship with that mutual friend.

flippinada Sun 11-May-14 18:58:57

That's interesting maddy, I wonder if mine would say the same thing?

Make you're welcome. I honestly didn't anticipate more than a handful of responses but it's certainly made me think.

Having thought about it, and going by the strength of the responses on here only way I would open up communication with this person is if they contacted me first to apologise. And even then, I'm not sure I would respond.

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