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Son just told me he wants to be a girl, didn't handle it well

(23 Posts)
Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 12:03:51

I'm in shock and don't know what to do.

I'm worried about what his life will be like.

He said he's going to change his name and start hormone treatment.

I thought I would be supportive but I wish he wasn't feeling like this.

Selendra Fri 02-May-14 12:13:40

There is a charity that helps parents in these situations.

www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/

Telephone: (0208) 1234819 : Monday to Saturday

They will understand how you're feeling and you can ring them just to talk. There are support groups etc.

VitoCorleone Fri 02-May-14 12:14:38

How old is he?

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 12:14:58

Thank you.

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 12:15:13

He's 17.

Mrsjayy Fri 02-May-14 12:17:22

of course you are shocked it is understandable I hope you can get intouch with that charity and talk your feelings through

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 12:21:52

I will try and ring when Ds isn't here.

I know his Dad and my Dp aren't going to be supportive. That's going to be fun telling them.

Selendra Fri 02-May-14 12:23:03

One really positive thing is that your child has realised so early on - this can make a big difference for getting on successfully in life and getting good results with any surgery, years of angst will be spared to them.

I know lots of trans people who have brilliant lives, I know it's a shock because you weren't expecting it, but honestly it will all turn out fine with your love and support.

ThePriory Fri 02-May-14 12:24:15

Wouldn't he prefer to tell his dad himself? If it's something he really wants, there'll be no stopping him, but he is very young.

onetiredmummy Fri 02-May-14 12:26:28

If its come out of the blue then no wonder you're shocked! Has he ever said these things before or made you wonder if he was happy in his own body?

You will probably need a little time to come to terms with it & that's OK, not only are you adjusting to his decision but you will have subconsciously pictured him married to a girl, being father of children etc etc for the past 17 years, which we all do & it will take time to sink in that none of that's going to happen. We all want particular things for our children & if you get told in one fell swoop that none of it is possible then it would be difficult to just accept it.

However some things don't change, he's still your child that you love & he has enough confidence in your love & your relationship to tell you something like this without fearing your reaction. That says loads to me & it says you raised him to be honest about who he is & about what he wants. Its wonderful that he has the courage to go ahead with this very difficult decision & its a testament to your parenting that he is able to choose this path.

Be kind to yourself, contact him & tell him you love him & his gender doesn't influence that at all brew

Lancelottie Fri 02-May-14 12:27:11

There will be a massive amount of counselling to go through before s/he can do this, in friends' experience (and, I think, two years of 'living as the opposite gender' before getting to any treatment, though I may be out of date).

I'm mentioning this because it's not something they can just rush at in a whirl of teenage hormones; and because it might give you time for all the family to come to terms with it better.

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 12:29:29

In the last few months he's been wearing nail varnish and eyeliner. Two of his friends are transgender. Before that there was no inkling.

onetiredmummy Fri 02-May-14 12:42:12

Did you know there's a LGBT children topic somewhere OP? May be in the Being a Parent section....

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 14:12:15

I'll have a look when I'm on the computer.

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 17:59:40

I'm not feeling quite so shocked now but it will take me a while to get used to it.

Blondiebrownie Fri 02-May-14 18:07:44

It must be such a shock to hear but your Son will need support too. It is lovely that he feels comfortable enough with you that he confided in you about this.

I would sit down with the family members who you don't think will take it well and explain that although this isn't what you would have chosen for you Son it's who he wants to be and they need to provide him with support.

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Fri 02-May-14 18:10:33

I think I'm going to call the helpline before I tell anyone.

I keep thinking how bad I feel but then remembering it's much worse for Ds.

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Sat 03-May-14 08:32:22

Still feeling shocked. I keep thinking he doesn't mean it and it's just a phase.

Wouldn't he have felt like this from a young age, not only a couple of months after two of his friends came out as transgender?

Ledkr Sat 03-May-14 08:44:26

I know a boy of 14 who is undergoing the initial counselling after telling his parents quite recently.
He is mostly living as a girl now.
So 17 doesn't seem so young. He is being taken extremely seriously by everyone which is great.

Kissmequick123 Sat 03-May-14 09:17:30

I think I'd get him some counselling so that he can talk through his feelings and make an indipendant decision away from his friends and family. Tell him you will support him what ever the outcome and that you love him. Tell him if he does want to go ahead with the sex change you would prefer that he waits till he is in his 20's so that he doesn't rush into making such a big decision.

Kissmequick123 Sat 03-May-14 09:21:28

Tell him you would feel the same about any big commitment - marriage, boob jobs, vasectomy etc. yiu would prefer him waiting till he is in his 20's

Tell him if he decides to go ahead you will 100 % support him, happily have him while recovering, drive him to ops etc

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Sat 03-May-14 09:24:39

I've told him I love him and will support him. I can't say I'm happy about it though.

Shockedanddontknowwhattodo Tue 13-May-14 15:08:46

Still feeling shocked about this. Haven't told Dp or Ds's Dad.

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