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I need hand-holding :-(

(31 Posts)
HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 19-Feb-14 23:47:38

I think me and DP have just split up.

We have an 8 month old together. sad

RhondaJean Wed 19-Feb-14 23:49:27

Do you want to talk about what's happened?

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 19-Feb-14 23:54:27

We were DTD and it was a bit lacklustre so we stopped. I suggested that he or I finish him off by hand and he said no, it's fine, I'm a bit sore now anyway (he suffers from eczema and when it's bad it's everywhere). I went into living room to put out some washing on the maiden and asked if he would help me. He said yeah, I'll be 2 mins. I came back in and he was looking at pics of women and having a wank.

Sort of the straw that broke the camels back I suppose.

I tried to change him and I couldn't. sad

I'm so sorry this is happening.
It sounds like this has been an issue before?

RhondaJean Wed 19-Feb-14 23:56:53

Look, I k ow it's no consolation just now but any guy who stops sex to look at porn has a serious problem and you are well shot.

I'm sure there's a pun I could make about offering you a hand but it's too late!

Have you been together long? Do you want to end it?

RhondaJean Wed 19-Feb-14 23:57:56

Oh and they never change, sadly.

TOADfan Thu 20-Feb-14 00:00:58

Sorry I dont understand why it would break youse up obviously there is a bigger picture. Hope your okay flowers

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 00:10:59

There's a huge back story.

I found him on a dating websites a few times, the latest when our son was 3 weeks old. He was also sexting one particular woman for probably all of our relationship. We've been together 3.5 years and our baby was a surprise.

We've been trying to work it out and we have made a lot of progress, he doesn't message any other women anymore.

But the porn thing is an issue, I had to block it on our internet so he wouldn't use it.

I checked his browsing history after I caught him and nothing was there so he has obviously been using private browsing. He denied he had so is lying too, even after I caught him red handed.

I'm so sad. I'm so sad that I couldn't protect my baby from a seperated family. I tried so hard. sad sad

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 00:12:29


Eebahgum Thu 20-Feb-14 00:17:27

Please don't feel you had to protect your baby from separation. Many many children have split families now a days. Your child will be just fine.

WaxingGibbon Thu 20-Feb-14 00:20:09

I'm so sorry thanks Is there anyone in rl you can talk to?

It sounds like separating is the right thing to do - you can't live the rest of your life like this. And I understand you feeling sad for your baby but this isn't of your making, this isn't your fault.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 00:24:36

I can't help but feel like that. I didn't know my dad growing up and my mum worked 2 jobs at one point. It's something I vehemently didn't want for my son.

I feel utterly crushed. I can't help but cry sad

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 00:28:31

I don't know about talking to someone in RL. My best friend is hundreds of miles away doing a PhD. Most of my family are gossips.

I don't know what I'm going to do either. We have a joint tenancy and I'm nearing the end of my maternity leave, with no pay. I can't throw him out as there is literally no where for him to go.

Plus, I don't feel like I should throw him out. He hasn't done anything so bad he needs chucking out. I just feel like I can't keep doing this.

WaxingGibbon Thu 20-Feb-14 00:40:28

I still think you have made the right decision. You can't stay the rest of your life in this kind of relationship with a man with these sorts of issues.

Completely understand your hopes and fears for your son - but your own history doesn't necessarily have to repeat itself. Your son's experience doesn't have to be exactly the same as yours - the effect of separation can take many forms. And we all start off with the rose tinted belief of what the future will be like and the reality rarely lives up to it.

WaxingGibbon Thu 20-Feb-14 00:41:37

sorry x posted

have you talked to him?

aintnothinbutagstring Thu 20-Feb-14 01:22:06

I don't think you can spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, and you certainly deserve a better love life than what you describe.

At the same time separation doesnt have to be a dramatic chucking the other person out. Have a proper talk, sort out the tenancy and finances. And if he's an ok dad, its entirely possible for your dc and him to have a good relationship and therefore not be harmed by separation. The harm comes from when it is badly managed.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 08:32:57

He is a good Dad. He's up with the baby now while I'm still in bed, even after a night on our hideously uncomfortable and small sofa.

I kind of feel numb now. I'm not sure what to do. confused

WaxingGibbon Thu 20-Feb-14 11:02:01

You don't need to do anything right now if you don't want to.

Just focus on getting through today and - if / when you feel ready - reflecting on what you want for your future and what you are going to say to him when you do sit down and talk.

This is a really important decision for you. Don't put pressure on yourself to try and get everything sorted out too quickly without thinking it through. But at the same time please keep your head out of the sand.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:16:48

Thank you Gibbon.

We spoke briefly last night and he doesn't see why I'm so upset. It's hard to put into words how it was just another humiliation for me. He's done that exact same thing before but got up out of bed and went to the bathroom for a wank.

He's shot my sexual confidence to shit by getting his kicks from other women (together with having a baby and putting on weight), whether that be porn or messaging other women sexually explicit things.

When all this happened after our DS was just born I found out he'd received dirty pictures from one particular woman and he had a wank in the bathroom over them whilst I was in the bedroom looking after our 3 week old. sad

But we were making progress. He changed his number, deleted all his email addresses and Facebook, gave me access to all his new accounts etc and I'm at a stage now where I do want to believe he wouldn't do that to me again. I asked him to get counselling which he agreed to. He got the number from the GP but still hasn't rang them and made an appointment, two weeks later. He says that he doesn't see why him talking to someone will make me feel better. I feel that I can't move on from what happened without him dealing with the issues that made him behave like that in the first place.

He is a good man, or was becoming one. I don't know why I decided I couldn't do it anymore last night. It was honestly like a smack in the face and I walked away and thought, I'm not doing this anymore.

Now, I don't know if I made the right choice. confused

Potentially you're better off without this guy. I'm sorry for what you're going through though.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:32:56

Thanks Dizzy.

I honestly thought we would work things out slowly but surely. But he's damaged my mind set to the point where even when we do have sex, I think he's only doing it to keep me happy.

Our sex life used to be really great, now's boring, for lack of a better word.

There's no excitement or desire. I think it's because he doesn't really want me in that passionate, pure desire way. And then when we're having sex, that's all I can think about. That he'd rather be getting his kicks in another way that doesn't include me.

Doesn't help when he does things like this.

Sylvanas Thu 20-Feb-14 12:37:54

I'm sorry but I would not put up with it, especially the lying about it and I think you are doing the right thing for all of you. If you have explained to him in the past that it hurts you and you have tried to get him help then I don't see what else you can do. It is up to him to make the change. thanks

Please don't feel bad about you son not having his parents together. I truly believe that my own childhood, as well as my parents adulthood's, would of been much happier if my parents had split up.

I didn't want to read an run. I'm sorry you're going through this.

There are all sorts of issues mixed up in this-your current sex life is most likely lack lustre because you don't trust him, and thats no suprise given what you know. There are barriers in place in a time in your life where he is supposed to be nurturing toward you and supporting you while you look after your young baby together.

When a partner is using porn or magazines for release, then it's usually down to a confidence problem within themselves. feeling unloved, pushed out by the baby, (diddums-but it is a real issue for many men) boredom It's all a lot more selfish and satisfying because it's seedy and a bit dirty, and forbidden. Nothing like a forbidden sexual act to give it the edge. But this can be dealt with and it does sounds like you were making inroads into sorting that out. This is entertainment, warped and unhealthy but still purely entertainment/living the fantasy.

However, using porn and having a sexting relationship being on dating sites is a very different story, that is no longer entertainment, that is infidelity, or certainly intent to and thats a far more serious issue.

However neither intent to be unfaithful or the use of porn need to be the deal breaker, both of those things can be dealt with with willingness, love, honesty respect and counselling. The right kind of counselling can work wonders.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:54:49

Thanks Sylvanas. I think I have held on this long, tried and tried to make it work because I know that once I give up, it's over. He will do nothing to try and save our relationship. He will just accept whatever I decide.

Lots of people tell me that I shouldn't worry about having a separated family but I really do. It was my biggest hope and dream, that when I had children one day, they would be brought into a loving, stable and secure family with both mother and father present.

I feel like I've had my biggest hope in life smashed into a million pieces.

Jesus, I sound pathetic! Can anyone hand me a grip? grin

HappyGoLuckyGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 13:00:43

Fish - he has massive confidence issues, he was severely bullied as a child and young adult.

I agree with everything you have said and I thought we were approaching it with honesty and respect. But then he lies to me, even when the truth is blatantly obvious, like with the private browsing.

I am having counselling and he was supposed to sort his out but hasn't yet. We can't have joint counselling, even though we know that would be most beneficial, as we can't afford it.

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