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If you have preschool age children, how often do they see their grandparents?

(43 Posts)
TallGiraffe Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:14

Just that really as I want to see if I'm being unreasonable or a mug.

We have one set of grandparents that live nearby. We see them once a week.

The other set are divorced and live about 5 hours away. They both like coming once a month, for a week at a time. But obviously not the same week as they would kill each other

I want my children to have a good and close relationship with their GPs, but:

1) half my life is now spent with them.
2) I may be a SAHM but I do have a life as well
3) Sometimes we just eat filled pasta for tea, I don't mind that. I enjoy cooking but 2 course gourmet meals for 14 nights a month is too much and expensive
4) DH works v long hours (7am-10pm most days). Once the children are in bed I like that time to read/sew/MN. I can't do that with guests.

So, would I be mean to say they can't come as often?

ThursdayLast Mon 10-Feb-14 19:17:38

No way could I live my life like that.
Could you suggest they stay at a hotel or something, put the financial onus on them?
Or make it so they only come for a night? I think once a month is still quite a lot for 5hrs away!
I totally get where you're coming from.

NormHonal Mon 10-Feb-14 19:19:33

You wouldn't be mean, you would be completely reasonable!

We see each set of grandparents roughly once a month, for 1-2 days at a time.

Since DC1 has started school, we now police this more carefully and (thank goodness) it has put paid to the late-notice "we're in the area, DC1 doesn't have to go to nursery tomorrow, does she?" <flushes nursery fees down drain> grin

We have stated very clearly to both sets of grandparents that DH works long hours (similar to your DH) and needs a good couple of weekends a month to get some time with the DCs himself and let me have a break. We do also like to see friends occasionally. One set of grandparents have accepted and respect this. The others grumble but have stepped back.

SliceOfLime Mon 10-Feb-14 19:22:37

I'd say once a month is fine but staying for a week is not (or wouldn't be for me). It does seem excessive. My daughter is 2.5, I'm a SAHM. My dad and step mum live about 5 hours away, we see them 3/4 times a year - they come and stay one night or we go to them for 2-3 nights. DH's parents live about 2.5 hours away, we see them once a month for a day usually. My parents live closer so I see my mum during the week most weeks. I think staying for one weekend (not a week!) a month might be ok but I don't really like having people to stay so would probably still struggle with that and make it more like every two months. I would still think that was ok.

catsoup Mon 10-Feb-14 19:26:05

One set of grandparents are divorced and live nearby. The grandad sees dd on a sat morning and the gran sees dd on Sunday afternoon.

My mum lives 5 hours away and we usually drive up to see her and her dh about once every 3 months on average. No way could I cope with any of therm staying as much as your ones do!

Good lord, you've done well to do it at all imo! Take up an expansive hobby that takes up all of the space in the spare room and offer them the odd weekend here and there or some local B&B leaflets.

My DC's see one set weekly the other set two or three times a year.

Did the set that live 5 hours away move after you had DC's, or have you never lived close?

TallGiraffe Mon 10-Feb-14 19:29:06

This is good to hear! One of them is fond of playing the "but these are my only grandchildren" card so I'm glad to hear all the other grandparents in the country aren't getting the same deal, it'll help my case.

TheScience Mon 10-Feb-14 19:29:31

One set of grandparents live about 40 miles away - we see them probably once a month.

Other set live about 150 miles/3 hours away - we probably see them every 3 months. Either we go there and stay with them for 1-2 nights, or they come here and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights.

TallGiraffe Mon 10-Feb-14 19:30:42

We've never lived close to the far away ones. Prior to the arrival of their PFGC, we saw them once or twice a year!

NormHonal Mon 10-Feb-14 19:31:05

Start making your weekends busier. This will happen naturally in due course as your DCs get birthday party invitations! But in the meantime, some expansive hobbies and non-refundable travel plans are in order. Get booking! grin

GiveMummyTheWhizzer Mon 10-Feb-14 19:34:04

So two weeks out of every month are spent with one of the in-laws there?! shock My god you are amazing for coping so far! I think it's way too much!

My mum and dad live 2 mins down the road - DS sees them twice a week on average (sometimes 3 times, sometimes once). PIL live 45 mins away by car (their choice) and we are lucky if they see DS once a month. This doesn't bother me, DP or DS to be honest.... blush

MsPickle Mon 10-Feb-14 19:37:52

Why are you treating them to a first class house guest experience when they spend that much time with you? You should be able to just do what you normally do. Stop 'hosting'-I'd go away for a week a month if I got gourmet meals and 'hosted'! Do your hobbies, make them welcome but filled pasta is fine for tea. If they want something else they can arrange it.

HauntedNoddyCar Mon 10-Feb-14 19:38:22

One set, they do a day trip from 50 miles away every 2 weeks or so.
Other set divorced. We see one for a day trip monthly and the other, not at all as we are NC.

MsPickle Mon 10-Feb-14 19:39:11

Oh and one set are an easy hour and half train ride, see them every few weeks depending on diaries, others are 4 hours and we see them a few times a year with lots of FaceTime in between.

justanuthermanicmumsday Mon 10-Feb-14 19:39:29

if they're staying over for a week every month that's too much, especially for a mother raising her own kids . You need some me time.

my mother in law lives with me, as much as I love her, if given a choice I wouldn't wish too cAre for her, simply because the way she was raised she thinks it's the daughter in laws duty to be a slave to the in laws. I've got four children from 7yrs to 22months old, so really I could do with some me time but she is always there, she seems to follow me around the house, dementia sadly. I would love some time to breathe it won't be happening for a long time I've given ups dreaming. I just cry when I need to and carry on.

My father lives 6 hours or more away I visit twice a year it ends up being very costly. He never visits he's developed a phobia and refuses to go outside so we never see him unless we drive down.

In your situation you can say something surely? You're busy, you have commitments you can't host grandparents for a week every month.

When I lived closer to my parents I used to moan sometimes being forced to visit my parents every single weekend for lunch invite. But now I'd do anything to have those weekend lunches with my mum. She's gone now, make the most of them whilst they are here, but your situation is unbearable every month is far too frequent.

HearMyRoar Mon 10-Feb-14 19:39:58

My goodness, this is madness! You really can't be expected to continue with this arrangement. It must be exhausting.

I would be OK with dmil (about 2 hours away) staying over 1 night a month if she wanted, but she is very nice. She would certainly buy dinner and do all our washing up while she was here. As it is she comes down about once a month, looks after dd for the day while me and dh go to the cinema, then takes us out for dinner before going of to stay with friends or driving home that evening.

Sometimes I love mn for reminding me how lucky we are smile

flossy101 Mon 10-Feb-14 19:49:07

They stay for a week?!?!

My DS sees the GPs once a week, they both live locally so this only takes up an hour or so at weekends.

Presume they are retired if they can stay a week at a time? I would say once every 6-8 weeks staying 2 nights a time would be beyond reasonable.

MummyPig24 Mon 10-Feb-14 19:50:52

We see my dad, grandma, nan and grandad, and dhs parents once a week. My dad and grandma usually in the week, the others at the weekend when we go and visit them.

They all love the children and us, but they are busy working or doing other things, some have health issues. I'm happy with seeing them once a week.

Dc3 is due in a few weeks and I doubt we will see them more. Nor will they offer to help out with the older two. But that's how it is and I'm used to it.

StarsAboveYou Mon 10-Feb-14 19:56:21

We have also have 3 sets of GP as my parents are divorced.

I'd say we see my mother once-twice a week (she stays once a week), MIL 3-4 times a week and my father once or twice a month but he will stay for a night and the whole of the next day.

However, I wouldn't let any of them stay for a week unless It was to my benefit, for example me & DH being on holiday.

KingRollo Mon 10-Feb-14 19:56:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumofboyo Mon 10-Feb-14 19:57:03

Entertaining anyone for that length of time sounds like a nightmare tbh - even if it was one week out of every 6 months. To have someone stay with me 14 days out of every month would drive me up the wall, especially if I was the one doing all the work and paying for the honour.
If I was in your shoes I would be "too busy" to have them and would only welcome them for a few days at the most. I wouldn't cook for them either; certainly not 2 course meals every night.
We live very close to my side of the family - the next village - and probably see them every couple of weeks for an hour or two. Dh's family live in the next city and we probably see them every couple of months for an hour or two. We go to them as often as they come to us.

Fukeit Mon 10-Feb-14 19:57:11

Once a month is fine but staying for a whole week is bonkers. 2 nights max each per month I think is fair.

We see our parents all the time but we are close by so it's an hour here and there.

tumbletumble Mon 10-Feb-14 20:00:15

We see my parents once a week for the day, and my PILs (who live further away) once every 6-8 weeks for a weekend. Everyone seems happy with this.

Two weeks of visitors per month would drive me completely insane!

GlitzAndGiggles Mon 10-Feb-14 20:00:58

DD only has her dad's mum as a gp. DP isn't in contact with his dad and same with me and my dad. My mum died before dd was born so just the 1. She sees her between 2-4 times a month and sometimes stays at her nans for a few nights at a time maybe once every 2 months. Her nan lives a 20-30 min drive away but runs her own business so isn't always free when we are

DidoTheDodo Mon 10-Feb-14 20:02:45

I'm a gran and I see my pre school grandchild about twice as year, when we go on holiday near to where they live.
I wish with all my heart it could be more. But not as much as the OP. That sounds too much. But maybe they are envious of the local grandparents who experience so much more with you all.

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