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"Sorry you feel that way..."

(33 Posts)
hareinthemoon Mon 10-Feb-14 17:19:19

Is not an apology, is it?

"Sorry you're still upset" is just passive aggression - surely?

DustyBaubles Mon 10-Feb-14 17:21:02

You're right.

It has undertones of 'well I'm obviously right, you just can't see it, and I don't care'.

SaucyJack Mon 10-Feb-14 17:21:57

It's not an apology, but it's not PA either.

It is what it is. A meaningless platitude for something you don't feel the need to apologize for.

MaidOfStars Mon 10-Feb-14 17:22:13

Hmm, not convinced. I would say it when I genuinely feel that the "target" has no ongoing reason to be upset. It means I've gone way out of my way to make it better for you and you're not buying it.

worst apology ever grin

but it seems JUST RIGHT when you want to use it. When you don't want to apologise for something but you want to smooth ruffled feathers. never works of course, just gets people's backs up.

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 17:24:14

"Sorry you feel that way"
no apologies there

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 17:26:10

No. It isnt an apology.
it is saying that you do not feel that you have anything to apologise for, but you acknowledge their feelings.

its important to be able to say that if the situation calls for it. Why should someone apologise if they truly dont feel they were in the wrong?

grumpyoldbat Mon 10-Feb-14 17:29:44

Not an apology in fact I'd go as far as saying that it means. You're upset, it's all your own fault your upset so I shouldn't have to apologise.

It isn't an apology, and they don't think they've done anything they need to apologise for.

But it is at least a recognition that you feel hurt/upset/angry, which is more than you get from some people...

K8Middleton Mon 10-Feb-14 17:30:55

No it's not an apology and I use it when somebody has been a tit/over sensitive/unreasonable and I want to let them know. Or when I don't care am not sorry and don't think they have any grounds to be upset.

shesaidgleeba Mon 10-Feb-14 17:30:58

I say it When people complain about a member of my staff and I don't know the full story. I mean it to mean "sorry you're upset but I can't say sorry for what happened as It wasn't me /i don't know what happened" it's very non committal smile

squoosh Mon 10-Feb-14 17:34:08

'Sorry you feel that way' means 'I stand by what I say but don't want this to turn into a huge drama'.

FrigginRexManningDay Mon 10-Feb-14 17:34:59

Depends on the situation. I said it to someone who reversed their car into mine and wanted to sort it out without using their insurance and get a friend to fix my car. He was angry and upset that I wanted it to go through the insurance and be fixed by a reputable garage.

BackforGood Mon 10-Feb-14 17:37:22

What MaidofStars and ISeeYouShiver said, also MuminScotland and K8Middleton and Squoosh grin
A useful phrase about acknowledging feelings when you don't have need/cause to apologise.

Viviennemary Mon 10-Feb-14 17:38:13

It means I don't agree with you but I don't want to turn it into a huge row. That's how I'd take it. But the person isn't budging.

BackforGood Mon 10-Feb-14 20:10:43

So, hareinthe moon - are you going to share the situation with us ? grin

Skang Mon 10-Feb-14 20:13:26

It'd a slightly politer way of saying 'Whatever'.

WeeSleekit Mon 10-Feb-14 20:18:50

I think it CAN be a tactful way of acknowledging that you've had a disagreement about something that may have upset the other person. But it depends totally on context, tone of voice etc. it could be horribly PA but it could also be an assertive statement that attempts to diffuse an emotional situation if used in the right way...

PandaFeet Mon 10-Feb-14 20:23:46

Its inevitable that people will disagree, and there won't always be someone needing to apologise.

I don't see it as passive aggressive, but I suppose that once it is said, the other person is under no illusions about the fact that you disagree and won't be changing your mind.

LondonInHighHeeledBoots Mon 10-Feb-14 20:36:13

It's not an apology imo, its putting the fault on the one who is upset.

I'm sorry I upset you is. Just. Tbh that is what I say when I think DH is UR to be upset - I am sorry for upsetting him but not for what I did as I see no fault in it. We get into semantics here in arguments.

I think it depends though on what the argument is about. I say Sorry you're upset if I think the other person is being ridiculous and looking for a fight. That IS on them.

hareinthemoon Mon 10-Feb-14 22:57:54

Well it's internet, innit - no real way of knowing tone of voice etc and easy to misread.

I don't think I will (over)share, Back. Let's just say a family member wanted to write about a situation that arose in the past, within the family but that this member had no real experience of, but was going to write about as if they had. They were quite very judgmental about the situation at the time. I said I didn't think it was appropriate and that I wouldn't be happy about participating. I know that's really vague.

I probably read too much into what was just an internet conversation. But I personally would rather hear, or say, something without the actual word "sorry" in it if it's not actually an apology. I've been known to say things like, "Oh dear, you still sound upset about this. I hope we can move past this soon," etc. Because I feel that someone saying "sorry you feel a certain way" means "sorry because I don't like the way you feel" rather than "I wish I had not contributed to your unhappiness".

Splitting hares hairs I know. Too much thinking about words.

hareinthemoon Mon 10-Feb-14 23:05:42

London I agree most with you, btw - it's a fault-assigning thing. I don't even mind "sorry you're upset" as much as "sorry if you're upset" - which sounds a bit more like the other person had a choice to be upset and is choosing to be bloody minded. In which case I'd actually prefer the other person to tell me they thought I was being bloody-minded.

But I may be unusual in preferring that.

Beamur Mon 10-Feb-14 23:07:44

It's what I'd say when I don't think I'm in the wrong, but I am sorry the other person is upset.

TSSDNCOP Mon 10-Feb-14 23:15:21

It's a non apology apology.

I use it frequently.its the combination of hmm x confused.

hareinthemoon Mon 10-Feb-14 23:19:31

Yes Bea, I think that is probably what was meant and what most people mean by it. I think it caught me at a bad moment and when I'd been having to write a lot of difficult things where I needed to be very careful about how I phrased things. Just caught me at a bad time.

I still would only say it if I was trying to start a fight, but I am beginning to see that in general this is too subtly nuanced a provocation grin

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