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Got offered a job in New York. WWYD?

(36 Posts)
sc13 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:27:35

On the plus side: the salary is much better, and it comes with a rent-controlled apartment and several other perks. I love NYC and have friends there. I relish the opportunity of a fresh start somewhere else after my relationship of 20 years ended, 2 years ago, with ex-H leaving me for anOW.
On the down side: ex-H is in the UK. He sees DS (almost 8) regularly. I should add that DS has autism. He copes relatively well with change, but at the same time he's quite happy at school and has made friends, so it'd be quite a lot of upheaval for him, at least to begin with. He loves his dad and is still asking me why we don't get back together.
Now, somewhat to my surprise, ex-H said that he will let me and DS go and won't put any obstacles in my way.
So, the real problem is, I know this would be a good thing for me, but wouldn't I be incredibly selfish putting an ocean between DS and his dad?
WWYD? In particular, has anyone got experience of custody arrangements that involve quite a lot of flying?
Thank you!

ikeaismylocal Mon 10-Feb-14 14:30:39

I wouldn't go. Your ds deserves regular contact with hisfather, I don't think you have the right to deprive him of that.

In my opinion when you commit to having a child with someone you commit to living in the same area as them for the next 18 years regardless of relationship status.

Farrowandbawl Mon 10-Feb-14 14:31:31

GO!

DS will be fine I promise...there's always skype which is what my kids talk to their dad on...

DO NOT loose this oppertunity, you will regret it.

DS will be fine either way because you and your ex will make sure he is.

CynicalandSmug Mon 10-Feb-14 14:34:30

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 10-Feb-14 14:34:55

I'd go like a shot...the opportunities for him in New York will vastly outweigh anything here and there's always skype.

I am very jealous!

Farrowandbawl Mon 10-Feb-14 14:36:06

I know I've spelt opportunity wrong sorry.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Mon 10-Feb-14 14:37:18

Have you posted this thread before? A while back? I remember this almost exact scenario.

I would want to know how good the health insrance was before I ever considered it. It was one of the reason Dh and I moved back to the UK

ghostinthecanvas Mon 10-Feb-14 14:39:00

Go. Your DS will have holidays with his dad. Sounds a wonderful opportunity for a new start.

ATacticalNameChange Mon 10-Feb-14 14:40:35

I'm sort of with Ikea on this one. Although your ex-H broke his part of the bargain when he set up with OW, that's not really your boy's issue. How regularly is regularly - eg does he see his dad every week or EOW? It's a really hard one...

SoleSource Mon 10-Feb-14 14:42:02

GO! good luck

LoopyDoopyDoo Mon 10-Feb-14 14:44:07

I'd go for sure

wetaugust Mon 10-Feb-14 14:46:35

It will be one hell of an ordeal with a child who has autism - because, as you should know, one of the things they really cannot cope with is change.

New school, new friends, new house, new country..... as the mother of a DS with autism I can see it could be an absolute disaster.

It would be kinder to leave him in the UK with his father if that were possible.

AwfulMaureen Mon 10-Feb-14 14:47:16

Sometimes the circumstances of one parent do not match with the other. I think it is more important to show your son that you are successful and that with Skype and holidays, he will still have his Dad in his life.

nevergoogle Mon 10-Feb-14 14:49:09

I'd go.

KiwiBanana Mon 10-Feb-14 14:51:59

I think if you were to go you would have to prepare yourself for your DS going on long holidays to the UK without you.

I would be very tempted to go, it's sounds like a fantastic opportunity.

KiwiBanana Mon 10-Feb-14 14:52:26

I agree with the health insurance though.

Jemma1111 Mon 10-Feb-14 14:53:25

Could you go on a trial period of a year or so ?

Could you rent your house out so you have somewhere to come home to if you decide its not for you ?

More importantly , how does your ds feel about it ? Could you explain it as a big adventure for him and reassure him that he'll be able to keep in touch with dad regularly ?

If you can , GO for it !

EasterHoliday Mon 10-Feb-14 14:54:02

what are the education opportunities like for a child with autism in the US? you may find that the opportunities for him also outweigh the disadvantage of spending less frequent time with his father. He will probably end up spending blocks of time with his father which may well help you anyway given the notoriously stingy US holiday allowance.

EasterHoliday Mon 10-Feb-14 14:55:07

wetaugust - sometimes the change can be massively for the better though (where is drowning in laundry to tell of her experience of a substantial move, albeit within the same country?)

It sounds great! I've loved the opportunities I've had for travelling and living abroad (but they were pre-DC)

I think it's very hard for us to call as we don't know your son. I'd think at 8 he might be at about the right sort of age to be able to cope with this, and benefit from the new opportunities for him too. But it depends how he is with change really I think. Only you can know that. Also he won't always be 8, so even if it was a challenge for him initially it might soon get easier as you both settle in and he gets older and makes more friends too.

I think I'd go for it but expect a challenging first year or so. Lots of Skype and as many visits to and from father as possible, especially early on.

Retropear Mon 10-Feb-14 15:00:00

Go!!!

I would imagine the provision for autism in NY would be good.

thesaurusgirl Mon 10-Feb-14 15:00:09

You're going to struggle with health insurance provision for your son if you have to pay for it yourself; consider asking your employer what their policy on family cover is, as you may find it prohibitively expensive otherwise.

Does your son have a wider support network (family and carers) around him at the moment? How will you replicate this abroad?

Is your former husband prepared to travel to NY frequently, on the assumption that your son's condition will not allow him to do so? Who will pay for that travel?

I'm afraid I'm inclined to say this isn't going to work for your son and if you really want to chase the work opportunity, it would be kinder to leave him behind. Only you know how this might affect both of you emotionally.

Kendodd Mon 10-Feb-14 15:02:51

This sound AMAZING! You are so lucky, I would love to go.

But I wouldn't

I think your son's relationship with his dad is too important, and I have to confess I'm a little surprised he's happy for you to take him. Maybe their relationship isn't as 'regular' as I would think?

KeatsiePie Mon 10-Feb-14 15:03:23

Okay, on the one hand, they offered you a RENT-CONTROLLED APARTMENT? Those are legendary. I don't know anyone who knows anyone who has one. And New York is incredible, I always thought it would be a wonderful place to raise children.

On the other hand I would be worried about your DS getting settled here. If he has difficulties at school, I've heard that getting an IEP (support plan) in place is very hard and takes a long time. If you've got friends there then maybe you could ask them to find some parents who've been through it, for you to talk to?

Re: his father: is it possible that your ExH might fly over regularly?

bebopanddoowop Mon 10-Feb-14 15:10:22

I would definitely go. & even better if your ex is cooperative like he suggests!

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