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Being pregnant second time round is so much less romantic...

(33 Posts)
YouPutYourRightArmIn Thu 06-Feb-14 20:06:56

Don't get me wrong it's exciting and amazing but a tiny weeny bit of the romance isn't here this time.

I remember DH muttering something about "there's nothing romantic about having a baby" when DD was about 3 weeks old.

Pre-DC1 you see couples walking with the buggy round town/the park and think it looks all cute and romantic - little do you realise that they've been up in the night, the bloke's feeling a bit pushed out, she's overwhelmed by how this little creature has turned everything upside down and they've been walking for HOURS to try and get said creature to nap [grin[

I know it's not all bad, far from it... A few of my best friends are pregnant with their first (and me with #2) and it's lovely seeing them chat buggies and car seats and nct classes and sign up to the Your Baby Is 17cm Long And Has Its Fingernails emails and all that (exactly what i did) but some of that just doesn't exist second time around eh??

I am conscious of sounding smug / knowitall / cynical / patronising and honestly that's not the angle I wish to come at this from but I guess I just happened to have noticed the difference.

HearMyRoar Thu 06-Feb-14 20:14:41

I don't remember it being romantic with dd. I remember feeling sick quite a lot, then huge and achy, and not being able to walk much. Oh and being kicked repeatedly in the ribs from the inside.

I'm thinking really hard and still no romance...

Waggamamma Thu 06-Feb-14 20:15:10

I see what you mean.

My first baby wasn't planned sland I was just about to finish uni and start my first real job (I still did). So it was a very stressful time for me. But because it was just me and dp we had time to enjoy each others company and plan for the baby, buying our first house at the same time was all really exciting. I also had a dream pregnancy with my first, no sickness, exhaustion etc I just looked like I had a football in my tshirt!

I'm now pg with a very much planned second child. I have never felt so sick and exhausted in my whole life!! Dp is picking up the slack with childcare and household chores but I can tell he's tired and fed up. I had a mc in 2013 so this pg is full of anxiety and worry. I'm struggling with work and falling behind. We have no free time and trying to juggle everything. it is not the romantic exciting time it was first time round. I just want to skip this bit and get straight to having my baby in my arms.

YouPutYourRightArmIn Thu 06-Feb-14 20:30:31

I guess it's to do with the anticipation of the unknown, so second time it is more or less known.

I totally underestimated the impact having a baby would have on me and DH as a couple. We are both more tired with less energy and time for each other.

It's bloody hard work and one friend is oh-so excited (ironically the one who very quickly got bored of all our children and rolled her eyes when we talked about naps or buggies or feeds or nappies) and the hard-work element just isn't something she could ever grasp at this point in time. And to be fair, nor should she - it's nice seeing them enjoy the excitement of it and I would never dream of bursting their bubbles but inside there's part of me whispering "just you wait and see"!

NightCircus Thu 06-Feb-14 20:40:41

I relate to this. I'd quite like a DC3 after a long gap so I can put the rose tinted glasses on.
Glasses on, it goes like this:- older DC at school, sleep well, toilet trained more self sufficient. Adore DC3, not a hint of jealousy and will happily entertain baby while I paint my nails etc
I'll get to do NCT again (to make new friends), sit in cafes and do baby swimming classes. (Much harder to do all this with a toddler in tow).
It will be 3rd time lucky as this baby will sleep well from 6 weeks, or even 16 weeks not 16 months!

cakesonatrain Thu 06-Feb-14 20:45:02

Oh I totally know what you mean.
The first time was all "ooh, we're going to have a baybee" and pondering what colour sheets to buy for the cot, and worrying about the car seat being safe enough, and telling DH about every kick and wriggle.
The second time we did pretty much nothing baby-related til I finished work at about 33 weeks. I was rarely aware of how long she was or what vital organ system was developing smile

Astralabe Thu 06-Feb-14 20:45:42

I know what you mean in some ways - acquiring the 'stuff' isn't so exciting as you already have it, and the fear / anticipation of labour, however you feel about it, is not a totally unknown quantity. HOWEVER I came out of my 12 week scan just as amazed second time, and also I suppose because I expected it to be the same and it wasn't. DS was a chilled little thing in there, letting us get a perfect photo unlike DD. Birth I expected to be the same, even though we had a planned HB I still thought we'd end up transferring and having a nightmare - we didn't. I expected sleep to be poor, it wasn't. I expected lots of personality traits to be the same and they weren't.

TempusFuckit Thu 06-Feb-14 20:48:57

I too agree. Second pregnancy was one big uncomfortable yawn.

Except - those moments in the middle of the night I could feel her moving. They were still pretty special.

Stripyhoglets Thu 06-Feb-14 20:49:25

I know what you mean, let the couple expecting the first child enjoy the moment, cos it's never the same once you really do know what you are letting yourself in for!

cakesonatrain Thu 06-Feb-14 20:56:42

Yes, driving to work after dropping ds off at nursery, feeling DD wriggling around and having a little chat to her was lovely. I think I talked to unborn dc2 more than dc1. I love the never-truly-alone feeling of pregnancy. Much preferable to the never-ever-get-a-minute's-peace feeling of motherhood once dc2 arrives grin

YouPutYourRightArmIn Thu 06-Feb-14 20:56:56

In a way the 12w scan was more amazing because we know how in absolute awe we are of DD and how it's cool to understand some of the joy that's yet to come.

But fizzy bf tits, struggling to get dressed before 12 noon, getting ready to walk out the door when DC decides to do an explosive poo, having days where your only reason for getting out is a trip to the post office/doctors, stopping putting make up on because taking it off is one more thing to do at night, feeling endlessly lethargic, no longer enjoying social occasions because getting a baby sitter is tricky or your baby won't take a bottle, or having overbearing grandparents...... Ahhhhh all their fun is yet to come grin

LemonDrizzleCake11 Thu 06-Feb-14 21:02:41

Totally agree: first child DH maternity leave is all about resting, DH spoiling you etc. Second child: maternity leave is harder than working as darling toddler won't even let you pee alone and DH is also complaining about being tired.

Disclaimer: feeling cynical as had to do weekly supermarket shop with toddler this morning at 40 weeks pregnant. Sure this time last time round I was just subconded in bed with DVDs and food.

YouPutYourRightArmIn Thu 06-Feb-14 21:16:23

Oh lemon you have my sympathies. I did a 20min dash round the supermarket today with dd (2yo) and it wasn't much fun!!

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Thu 06-Feb-14 21:23:55

First time:

Dh: "Oh don't do that, I'll get that, I can carry that, sit down, relax"

Second time

Dh: "I don't really think you should be moving furniture, do you?"

Third time.

Dh: "I'm exhausted.. you don't want to do the kitchen tonight do you?"

I have ONE child and I know what you mean!

Pregnancy/the first year or so of motherhood the first time round is just so all consuming. I see it every time I see a couple (especially when it is a couple together with the one baby, you don't so often see a couple with multiple children unless you're in a holiday or "family day out" destination) or a mother with their first.

And all of those small baby things like whether you BF or FF and how/where they sleep and whether they have characters on their babygro (or little outfits) and whether their toys are educational enough/stimulating enough/calming enough/organic enough. That seem SO important and like the most pressing thing in the universe.

I can just see that when you already have children you don't have the time let alone the headspace for any of that. Which is sad in a way but I also think it's a good thing... second/later babies are so much better off (IMO) by having their older sibling around! I reckon all of the baby singing and dancing and yoga and whatever is really to make up for the lack of "family life" grin

I was secretly shitting myself the first time around. I was expecting the worst, crying, teething, sleepless nights. But i got a whole load of new friends and that first smile makes you fall in love like a drop of a hat.

It's eye's open 2nd time around but I'm looking forward to spending more time with DS1 before he starts school. He just makes me smile. Tonight I was talking to DP about making a crumble and DS came through to the kitchen with a cheeky smile and said "yeah, I'd love a cuddle".
So yeah slightly concerned about jealously issues but also know how much he loves babies.

I never has this. We signed the contract to build our house in the same week I found out I was pregnant with dd1. We moved in two weeks before she was born. I spent much of early labour constructing furniture, thanking my lucky stars that I wasn't up a ladder painting ceilings.

And then, obvs, dd2 pregnancy had only the effect more or less of making looking after dd1 a bit harder.

I feel abit robbed of wafting around the place being looked after and reading magazines and fondly rubbing my tummy.

YouPutYourRightArmIn Thu 06-Feb-14 21:59:35

That's a good point too smeared, it's not just about how you and DH feel this time, you've got dc1 to factor in as well.

One of my friends has just moved abroad to set up a business and will need a c-section and keeps talking about all the things she'll "need to be doing more or less straight away after the birth to ensure the business thrives" and I feel very eeeeeeeeeek for her!

Another one has a stepchild from her DH's previous marriage so I think she thinks she knows what she's letting herself in for having seen it all with DSC. I guess she's had some insight but surely it's a different kettle of fish when it's your own?? I could never say that of course.

BrokenToeOuch Thu 06-Feb-14 22:02:43

Haha vegetarian snap!
This was us..
Dc1 - (dp) let me carry that baguette from the car

Dc2 - (dp) babe, can you carry me a crate of beer back from the offie as you're coming back that way!

Dc3 - I walk in from hospital, drop bags on floor, survey devastation surrounding me and advance straight to the kitchen to wash up vacuum entire house from top to bottom as dp had invited 30 strong family round to meet baby! Dp had brought dc3 in, placed him in his basket and gone to zizzis for carry out pizzas!

You're right op, first time is like being in a little bubble. Subsequent times are more like real life!

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Thu 06-Feb-14 22:27:02

I wasn't aware I was meant to get a romantic pregnancy first time around grin so far it's been anything but romantic.

That said this was an unplanned and, at first, unwanted pregnancy, I'm at uni so rather than having friends who coo over the bump and we all sit and look at nursery furniture together, we sit and wait for it to kick and then we all say "ew that's gross". And there's nothing magical or romantic about electric shock kicks in my fanjo or snissing/snitting.

I think maybe had I gone into this with any expectations, I'd have found it a bit more romantic, but I really wasn't expecting to be pregnant, and that little blue cross took away any romaanticism I ever had in my head.

(disclaimer: I am excited to meet the baby and I do love it, I'm just not under any particular illusions as to labour being like the opening of a lotus flower or movements being tiny little babydust kicks from fairies)

BrokenToeOuch Thu 06-Feb-14 23:03:37

moomin my first pregnancy was an unexpected unwelcome surprise, added to the fact that I was 7m pg by the time I found out
At 19, my mates weren't at the same stage at all and it was isolating at times. But good old dp realised this and tried to make life easier for me and really tried his best to feed me well (he has always been the cook!) to make up for my somewhat hedonistic lifestyle I had led all the while being unknowingly pg.
It wasn't what I'd describe as romantic in the traditional sense of the word, more that I look back with a romanticized view of those 6 weeks of my pregnancy that we were aware of.
Good luck with the baby smile

I found the whole experience so different too .There's 2.6 years between mine and I was 36 when DC2 was born.
I said to DH, the hospital staff treat you different- not unkind, just not so coddled I found.

DD was a much easier baby than DS, she fitted right in to everything going on round about her. Yes we all revolved round her and she revelled in it. But when she was out and about, she was a lovely , content baby
And she slept through the night, pretty much from the Get Go grin

Still feel a bit envy when people I know are going through parenthood for the first time.
But I remember being envy of people who had their DC independant and school sorted.
Grass always Greener eh?

canyourearme Fri 07-Feb-14 09:04:16

I found pregnancy crap everytime.

juneau Fri 07-Feb-14 09:26:45

Ha - I know what you mean. I remember when I was pregnant with DS1 sitting at work daydreaming (sorry, old boss!), about my gorgeous baby and how lovely it would be to sit cuddling him on the sofa and envisioning DH and I staring at him adoringly and walking around the city doing what we wanted while our perfect child slept peacefully in his pram.

And then reality bit and it was nothing like that at all! We had no idea how to change a nappy, no idea how to soothe a screaming baby, l found BFing really tough in the early days, we were totally unprepared for the exhaustion.

Second time around DH took a lot of convincing to even try for another. Then I spent the entire pregnancy thinking 'How am I going to cope???'. No romance or daydreams whatsoever!

MummyPig24 Fri 07-Feb-14 09:35:23

I'm 3rd time round, 35 weeks and the next few weeks cannot go quick enough. I want my body back. I don't care about a baby being attached to my boob I just want it out of me. Back is killing, heartburn is constant, I'm so tired! There's nothing romantic about this at all, and certainly not for dh who is getting the brunt of my bad moods.

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