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I've hurt myself

(23 Posts)
23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 18:38:00

Not seriously but enough that its sore. I've bitten my forearm and it's gone red, hard lump and sort of bubbly skin on top.. I haven't bothered to cool it. I'm too late to help it now aren't I?

I'm struggling.

23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 18:49:40

I promised I wouldn't anymore but I can't stop.

Can you tell us a bit more with what you are struggling with?
Probably a good idea to clean your arm and put some antiseptic on it if you have broken the skin.

Is there anyone there with you?

OP, are you still there?

bzoo Thu 23-Jan-14 18:55:45

OP keep talking with us. If you've broken the skin clean it up and dress it. Talk to us. Tell us why you are struggling. Hope we can help.

WhileWeSleep Thu 23-Jan-14 18:56:42

(Hand hold)

keep posting OP. You're never alone when you're on MN

23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 18:58:51

Still here.

Just don't know what to say. So much happening that its hard to detail it.

I wanted a release but I wanted to punish myself too. How confusing, that I wanted to look after myself and do the exact opposite at the same time.

I haven't broken the skin, it's just all swelled up into a hard lump.

There are people here - family - but have shut myself in a room on my own.

Could you get some ice to calm it down? It doesn't sound like something to worry about - in terms of an injury - but the ice might make it hurt less.

You mention that you promised you wouldn't any more - do you mean you have self-harmed before?
Have you told your family before or confided in them?
Can you tell us one of the things that is bothering you?

arghhelpme Thu 23-Jan-14 19:02:20

Keep talking, one thing at a time. We are here to listen and help if we can. I have been in some hard places at times. I feel like giving up at the moment, everything is getting on top of me but talking helps, or just writing it on here if you can't talk to anyone in real life thanks

Also - here is a website (it's aimed at under 25s but could have some good information for any age) that has agencies that could help if you'd rather not talk to family - http://getconnected.org.uk/get_help/harming_yourself/self_harm

Chat moves fast so just trying to keep this bumped up. I am here for the next 45 minutes or so at least...

Are you gone, OP?
Do you prefer not to talk right now?
Would you go and sit with your family, even if you don't want to talk to them right now?

23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 19:13:18

My GP knows. I wish i could talk to her but can't til next week.

My family know but understand less.

It's just, I cleared out the attic earlier to try and declutter and I got upset, things that were hidden and brought back memories I didn't want. Stupid really. And then little things, just tiny irritating things and then I needed the release. I get a 30 second buzz and then I think oh God what have I done.

23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 19:13:53

I want to talk I just don't know what to say. Writing out messages, deleting them, writing them out again.

you're doing really well to get on here and communicate, 23.
Decluttering can be emotional at the best of times without bringing up unwanted memories - doesn't sound stupid to me at all.

Look, it's not good that you harmed yourself but at least it's not serious and you stopped. Don't beat yourself up about that.

arghhelpme Thu 23-Jan-14 19:20:57

Just type it all out and post, even if it is jumbled and doesn't make sense, it is a start.
Agree decluttering and sorting things out, have been sorting out my nan's house today since she passed.

Yep - totally agree with argh up there - type out what you like and don't worry if it doesn't make a lot of sense.

23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 19:36:49

Managed to talk to my mum. That helped a bit. Said I needed to cook tea, she has told me to order out. Will sort that.

It was silly, it was a tea set that I found .. royal doulton or something..

When I was tiny, I must have been 4, I remember the health visitor being round. My mum was so unwell and my dad was out and my sister was screaming, screaming for me to put on a video, she was just a tiny toddler then. The health visitor took me to the kitchen, asked if we could make mum a cup of tea. All the cupboards had child locks. So we used this lovely tea set, made my mum a cuppa in a very posh china tea cup. It should be a funny memory but I feel so angry and bitter at the fact that a four year old was in such a shit position. I find it hard to connect me and this four year old, prefer to talk about her in the third person, but I must have been so scared - that health visitor would have left, and I would have been alone with my mum who was so poorly then, and my sister. I don't think a four year old should have been in that situation.

It impacts even now, I look for a safe and secure "parent" all the time and when I find one I cling with my everything and don't let them go.. Due to my decisions/life changes I'll be moving away from the current one in May or so, it hurts thinking about it.

Oh, that's a sad memory and story.
You said you talked to your mum just now - that's really good. Is she still unwell these days?

Who is the current "parent" you have to move away from?

OP - I have to go now but I should be back later to see if you have posted more and how you're doing. I am sure others are around to hear you too - great thing about Mumsnet is there are people in different time zones so you should always find someone around.

23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 19:58:00

Can't say to be honest in case it "outs me", but they are professional (paid to help me) and so whilst we both get on brilliant, can't keep in contact once professional relationship ends.

She's lovely though and goes above and beyond what she's meant to. She treats me like she is a relative of mine or something - tells me all about herself, her family, and things. I bought her a tiny christmas present and she made me cry as she explained it sits on her bedside so she sees it every day. Even sent me a note the other day when there was no reason to.

I don't know how she can be lovely to me when she must know in handful of months probably never see each other again.

Anxiety makes me think she is only nice to me because she is paid to be. I don't think that's the case.

Because I want to move away - some two hundred miles away - to do a second degree at uni, I'll be moving out of the "catchment area" for her.

My mum's still unwell yep, probably always will be I think, she has a couple of chronic disabilities. Things go up, and down though.

23jannc Thu 23-Jan-14 19:58:21

xxx thank you

Just caught this before I leave.
I am sure that the person you write of is not only nice to you because she is paid to be - people get into these kind of jobs 'cause they enjoy relationships with people and helping people and it sounds to me like you have a very genuine relationship. It's great to value what you have while you have it, OP - so do your best to enjoy that relationship now and don't worry too much about coping when you move.

A new degree at uni sounds exciting! Will you have support there too?

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