Mumsnet Talk

Friends are getting married, they have booked a beautiful house for the ceremony and have invited everyone (two big families) then they are having a dinner for 20 close family/friends with the rest being invited somewhere else for the evening do.
Invitations won't be out for ages so don't know how it'll be worded but just wondering how people would feel about turning up at 2pm then having to do their own thing till 7pm/8pm.
The couple couldn't afford to feed the 100+ people so I understand that bit. But is it rude or am I over thinking?

Inredibly rude.

I wouldn't attend if I was invited on this basis.

People need to realise if they are having a wedding with 100+ guests, then as hosts, feeding them is part of the deal.

If they can't afford to do that, then they should book a church hall, not a 'beautiful house'

i would decline the invitation.

but then i am a firm believer in having the wedding you can afford. if you can only afford to feed 20 then only invite 20.

I really don't like that type of invite at all. It may be really difficult for 80 + people to find somewhere to eat!

It's incredibly rude. If you can only afford to feed 20, then only invite the 20. You don't create a 'good enough to feed' and 'not good enough to feed' list.

How is it rude?

There are always evening-only invitations and you do not need an invitation to attend a wedding ceremony.

It will probably be worded as an invitation to the evening and "we would also be delighted to see you at the ceremony at blah blah blah."

Don't most people have evening only invites?

It is rude because they are expecting you to come to the ceremony, hang around in your finery, then attend in the evening.

How is that not rude?

It is also telling those guests that they didn't make the 'good enough to feed' list.

People really need to cut their cloth.

They aren't expecting you to do anything.

Pretty much every single wedding has an evening only invitation list. How is this any different? Making it clear that you are still welcome at the ceremony is polite, not rude.

People really need to stop looking for reasons to be offended.

I would decline evening only invites its like saying
"you're not worthy of gracing us with your presence and be in the photos and feeding you , but you can make up numbers in the evening for the disco which would be sparce otherwise "

I wouldn't mind at all. If it was q problem I'd not go to the ceremony and turn up for the evening party.

Ive always known people have evening only invites but in mnet land it is a big no-no.

It really wouldnt bother me tbh.

I went to a wedding recently where they had 4 guests in the room while they said their vows and everyone else waited outside (in the freezing cold)

They basically told people they wanted to do it in private but would love the whole family there for photos.

No the kind of wedding I would chose to have but really no need to refuse to go.

Evening only is different to what is being suggested here though.

No it isn't.

Why on earth do people get upset at only being invited to an evening do? It is a privilege to be invited to any part of a couple's special day and should be treated as such. Theoretically anyone, invited or not, is allowed to go to a ceremony so to be invited to any extra part is an honour not a slight.
The only thing I can think is that these people being offended that they weren't invited to the afternoon as well have narc tendencies as clearly the couple should want to invite them to every part of the wedding and it is inconceivable that other people may come higher up in the pecking order.

FWIW, I didn't have an afternoon part, got married late, and everyone came to everything.

Wouldn't bother me. Happened at a family wedding, for some distant cousins who we like a lot but see infrequently. They explained that they could only fit/afford so many for lunch and asked if we would mind entertaining ourselves during the afternoon. We weren't offended and understood why they had to do what they did.

A venue might be large enough for a couple of hundred standing/buffet, but only fit about 50 for a sit down meal.

I would decline evening only invites its like saying
"you're not worthy of gracing us with your presence and be in the photos and feeding you , but you can make up numbers in the evening for the disco which would be sparce otherwise "

That's a really miserable and mean spirited way of looking at it. I've never seen it like that at all.

It's NOT rude at all. The purpose of a wedding invite is to have people you care about witness your wedding. Any hospitality aftewards is a plus. I think this is a nice scenario actually. Wny should the couple beggar themselves to feed three courses to people perfectly capable of finding a nice pub themselves. Also gives the couple a bit of 'down time' in what can be an exhausting and emotional day.

Only the very petty would be offended.

soupdreggon

How is this the same as evening only?!

The only thing I can think is that these people being offended that they weren't invited to the afternoon as well have narc tendencies as clearly the couple should want to invite them to every part of the wedding and it is inconceivable that other people may come higher up in the pecking order

Oh dear god, only on Mumsnet eh.

I like evening only weddings actually, what I would object to is hanging around for hours between ceremony and evening 'do'

My sil did this wen she got married but only a register
Office do! Wedding was at 11, and then evening do was at 7! Wedding party went to local pub after wards, they didnt by drinks for wedding party! We ended up having pub lunch and getting drunk in time for the evening do! Gosh I sound like a snob!

Couple of here it will depend entirely on the wording of the invite when it arrives. If I were doing it if say something like

We are getting married at X church at 2. If you would like to attend we would love for you to witness our ceremony. The main event to which we really really want you to come to is at X house starting at 6 til midnight.

Basically a church is a public event. I'm guessing maybe they are actually only inviting 20 to the entire day. The rest are being asked to come if they wish but are really evening guests.

If its registry I've no idea. I think if its church u are over thinking it as just don't attend the ceremony. I don't get the rude bit, if u want to see them wed go, don't, don't? Seems a very free and friendly thing. Ate they a laid back couple?

I think it is not ideal but I that it is ok. It is basically 'you are invited to the evening do' .....'but are welcome to come to the ceremony too'.

I would not do it myself though.

I thinkit would work better if the location is close to a town then the 'B' list guests can go for a wander and some food after the ceremony. If it is out in the country then it could be more awkward if there is nowhere for the guests to hang about.

I also think it is ok for guests to decline to come to either the ceremony or the evening do and the hosts shouldn't mind if they do.

Well how is it an insult to be invited to share part of a couple's special day? I put the phrase in that you quote because I have wracked my brains and cannot think of a reason it could be deemed offensive. That was the only thing left I could find as a remotely possible reason.

If you do want rude though I offer a scenario I heard of a few years ago.......

Couple were getting married in church bride had attended for many years. They sent invites both to people in that church and the grooms church asking them to come to the ceremony and then have tea afterwards in the church hall. Everybody accepted assuming that the couple could not afford a formal reception and were touched to be included.
A week before the wedding they received a call from a woman in the church who had been asked by the couple to arrane the catering. They had told her to ask some of the guests from both churches to bring some food - enough for the 300 people they'd invited! They told her they'd told the guests about this. They hadn't. Whilst everybody would have been happy to be invited to a bring and share tea, to be invited to a wedding tea and then told you've to bring you're own food really took the biscuit. My friend felt she had to spend £12 on tartlets because of the numbers involved. There was general pissed offness when it was learnt that the family and 'special' friends were going on from the tea to a full reception that they didn't have to pay for themselves!