Mumsnet Talk

My DP has work today so he will be out all day so i need to make a decision. My DD is in school but has afterschool club so i have until 5.

I need to be objective and weigh it all up - hence the namechange. Also If i decide to stay around i shall want this gone.

I am no use to anyone - I had a job but gave it up becaue i couldnt cope with the stress (i actually don't think this was my fault, but other people cope so why coudlnt i). I am a useless mother, just sitting around doing fuck all - watching my DD and DP together (im like a spectator in her life, nothing more). I make her cry more than I make her laugh. The house is a pit but we will lose it soon so whats the point. I tried to make my DPs busines work i started putting flyers into houses but people on here say that just annoys folk so ive fucked that up too.

The only real reason i can see to continue is that if i don't then DP wont have anyone to look after DD so will screw him over financially. SAying that, surely as a single parent the will get support from the state? His family will rally, he could move back to his hometown (im less keen for DD to live there so maybe thats anotehr reason to say)

My last lifeline of some agency work looks like it has fallen through - so my career is fucked and i wont be able to contribute financially anyway.

Yes of coures it will be awful for my DDs, but one of them is 22 now and i hardly see her (probably because i was a shit mother to her chasing a career that has now disappeared), she has no relationship with her sister so maybe that would bring them closer together? DD2 is only seven, given a few years she wont remember me. DP is an amazing father, just amazing - she adores him and most of the time i may as well not be there anyway - he would have the opportunity to meet someone who wont hold him back, emotionally, financially and in every way.

The only thing is im not sure if i have enough pills and i don't want it to hurt. I can't see past today - so that has to be a sign doesn't it? I could see into next week but now i cant....

Sorry, this is rambling and long but it helps to write things down

Please call The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 (if you are in the UK)

Talk to a professional.

You are distancing yourself from them sweetheart, you are doing it right now & that's a prelude to saying goodbye.

Do what anyfucker said, call the Samaritans as you are in a bad place & can't see the light.

Can you talk to your DP? Does he have any idea how you feel?

<hug>

She wouldn't forget. You would be inflicting a lot of pain and suffering on both your daughters which would stay with them all their lives.

Please talk to the Samaritans.

Hello lovely

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered, you sound so sad at the moment.
It sounds like you are terribly depressed and I would really suggest that you talk with your GP.

Please don't commit suicide. Even though it may not feel like it, both your DDs need you.

Please talk with your GP and get help. You are a worthwhile human being.

Huge hugs and

AnyFucker is right, you need to call someone. If not the Samaritans can you go and see your GP? Don't rush into anything, just get some help. xx

I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to switch off, i don't want to die, i just want everything to be ok, but it wont be

When i read what other people go throgh on here and get through it, i feek ashamed and embarrased to be whinging on about something so trivial but i just feel useless, so whats the point.

Your DD will always remember you left her. Your thinking is skewed because you are in a terrible place.
please do as the above poster said and contact the Samaritans.
Go to your GP and tell them how you are feeling, get some help.
You WILL NOT always feel this way.
The fact that you are reaching out here means there is a tiny part of you that still has hope. Use it to get help. Please

do what AF and everybody else says phone now you obviously need to talk to somebody NOW or you wouldnt have posted your daughters will always remember you,

onetiredmummy - that is exactly what i feel i am doing, i love that little girl so so much but you would think i hated her when you look at the way i have treated her this weekend. Nothing bad, just indifference.

Where in the UK are you?

You need to speak to someone, now. Call the Samaritans or call your GP. Your DDs need you, your DH needs you, don't do this to yourself or to them.

If you are local to me I will gladly come to your house and go to your GP with you right now.

None of those problems are static - things will change, some without you needing to do anything and some with your actions. Your choice at the moment is not a good one, and incredibly permanent. If one plan fails, it's time to try something else - not give up.

Speaking as someone who lost their mum at 14 and is now in their 30's, nothing has ever hurt me more or had a long lasting impact on everything in my life - please don't do that to your daughters.

Please don't sit stewing on these things by yourself, would you call the Samaritans to talk these things through with? (08457 90 90 90 // jo@samaritans.org )

Please please don't do this to your family, you are a loved and needed part of their lives.

You just need some help to get yourself out of this rut you are in.

It all sounds overwhelming, I can see that but do talk to someone...now.

I have been where you are, it's bloody tough, but life CAN be good again.

Honestly.

The thing is, i dont want to have to tell my DP that i screwed up AGAIN, he is trying so hard. I just keep fucking up I can't face him coming home

Depression can make you detach from the people you love, and who love you. Please call a professional who will talk it through with you, and signpost help for you. You don't have to feel like this.

Please, weighing, please don't do anything. Please find someone to talk to. Does anyone have any idea how you feel? Your eldest daughter maybe? Just, please, find someone to help you.

You are their mother and they love you. You are a special person in their life, and your dps too. You are not useless, that is a lie.

Please talk to the Samaritans or someone else if you don't want to speak to them.

You've made me cry for you. If it helps to write it down then keep writing.

The indifference is an attempt to distance yourself from the pain.
But these thoughts you are having are not you. They are depression. They can change. They do not have to be like this. It is not hopeless and you are needed here.
Pick up the phone. Ask for help. The help is there.
I am sorry you are feeling so very low

I don't think i will do it, i really don't otherwise why would i be posting here? But it seems by far the fairer thing to do. I adore my DD yet i have been withdrawing ffrom her for a long time now. I can't even play with her anymore - she doesn't even ask now

Please speak to a professional.
Call your Dr today and tell them what you've written in your post.

I am so sorry that you're feeling this way, but you need to get help and things WILL improve.
Honestly - i'm sure there's many of us who have been where you are now.
Suicide is not the answer.

you are not a shit mother you did what was best for your family and you are not a shit mother now, because you cant get a job ,

It's the depression that's making you see things in a skewed way. Suicide isn't the answer, it is never the answer.

Please seek help.

Weighing - if your input has no value, then what does a trip to the GP matter? What does a phonecall to the Samaritains matter? What does one more week to put things in order matter? For your sake it's worth at least trying - Why does it have to be now?

Just lift the phone and call someone. Anyone. Just do that one thing.

There are ways to make things better. I have been very close to where you are now, but theres always a way.

I am so so sorry, the last thing i wanted to do is upset anyone i just can't see a future for me I so want to but i can't when i see it, it doesn't have me in it.

How can a mother withdraw from her own child ffs