Mumsnet Talk

Someone is planning a surprise party for my birthday in a few months. Not spent any money yet or invited anyone but booked the venue (free thankfully). I found out completely by accident.

I know that their heart is in the right place but I really really dont want this party. There are several reasons why, not least of which that every other event that this person has been involved in, even when it was not supposed to be just their function, it has been all about them. They are a real party person and every party they go to they end up being the main focus. She even did this at my wedding!

I also am really not arsed about celebrating in a big way, I would rather have a nice family meal. So should I tell her that I have found out and dont want a party?

Hints wont work, she will do it anyway on the basis that she would love so she would be sure that I would too once it happens.

I either have to suck it up or put a stop to it. It could cause a bloody row if I do say no though

Book yourself a trip away that weekend?!

Any way you can just not turn up?

Look just fess up otherwise it will spoil your birthday and a lot more.
Good luck!

Put a stop to it! Be nice, then be firm if you suspect she's not taken the hint. Make sure you tell her you have other plans, then stick to them so that you are completely unavailable should she decide to go ahead.

Yep, thats what I thought.

I just need to work up the courage to do it, it will not go down well.

Any suggestions?!

Email!

Weekend away or book theatre tickets for that night?

My mum was afraid of this. It's her 60th next month. So she has booked a holiday to Cyprus on the week of her birthday. She ssud that unless she leaves the country she knows a family mbwrveill organise a surprise party.

I'd just tell her you were planning something special for your birthday, and that you won't be around. (No need to mention that the something special is a lie-in and a pint of creme-de-menthe)

Nightmare
Really actually that would be one of my worst nightmares
You need to be out of the country.
And then gush about how pleased you are to have avoided the whole birthday thing by being away

But why will it cause a row for you to decline a big party that's just not your thing?

Yep. Drop into the conversation that you have booked a lovely family weekend away.

email is too cowardly even for my and am a right custard!

Thanks for the confirmation, I wanted to check I wasnt being an ungrateful old bag but am too sensitive at the moment for AIBU!

Will give her a call tomorrow. She is one of natures organisers so if I give her another project, such as the small family meal suitable for children (the venue she has booked suggests she hasnt considered that I might want my kids there!) then she will probably jump on that once she has got over the sulks. If I word it in such a way that I appreciate her effort but I am not good at big parties, would she mind scaling it down please, then I might get away with it without a row.

My parents will be on my side anyway, my mum hates surprise parties as much as I do!

Meryl because I will be ungrateful at all the effort and all the love and thought that has gone into it. Did I mention "all about her"?

I know that their heart is in the right place - but that's not true, is it? Neither her heart nor her mind is in the "right" place. If they were, you wouldn't be in the position of trying to deflect her from the plan she's set on.

She sounds either self-absorbed or downright toxic. Maybe talk to your parents first, and get them alongside to support you. Whoever she is, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her.

Self absorbed definitely. The sentiment comes from the right place, she really does care and wants to do nice things for people but then she gets tied up in it and doesnt see that she isnt always doing what they would like. I think she assumes that everyone likes what she likes. The same with parties, she doesnt realise that being the life and soul isnt always appropriate, she sees it as enjoying herself and encouraging others to do the same, but thats not always such a good thing at someone elses wedding or birthday!