Mumsnet Talk

i was talking with one of my closest friends today about our mothers (and a bit about fathers, siblings, wider family) we both feel our parents passed on/created emotional issues in our relationships with them that stemmed from their own emotional state of minds.

as an adult i can accept that my parents, like all parents, are just as human as me and the man who runs the greasy spoon down the street. they have made mistakes and i am sure that on the whole they both believed they were doing the right things as they raised me/dsis. however, the fact remains that i do still feel the weight/hangover of some of the 'mistakes' they made during my life and it has worried me that i will have already created issues with my own dcs that they will carry with them all their lives and pass on to their dcs.

i can honestly say that out of all my close friends there isn't one who hasn't been negatively affected by how they were raised. (they all have had good experiences aswell) obviously my friends are more likely to be of a similar personality and maybe background to me and so maybe we are drawn to each other because we share experiences but i cant help but think that no matter what i do i will mess my children up somehow and it has made me feel terrible. i know no-one is perfect but surely there are people out there who have raised well balanced children to adulthood and are able to maintain healthy relationships with their adult children? should i just accept that i wont get it right and my dcs will blame me for messing them up no matter what i do?

No

They fuck you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean it, but they do;
They fill you up with their own faults
And add some new ones just for you.

that rhyme is good but still sad.

They fill you WITH THE FAULTS THEY HAD

I was too lazy to link yo Larkin

Am sure I have some issues, everybody does, but when I think of how my parents brought me and my siblings up I really don't have negative feelings about it. They weren't perfect but they loved us and we knew it.

Hoping we can pull off the same thing with DS.

I like to think I'm fairly well balanced, and I don't seem to have any negative baggage because of my parents.

I think it IS possible to raise kids to adulthood without causing emotional issues within them. It involves a lot of luck though, because life gets in the way a lot.

I don't think its possible to not pass on or create issues. Somewhere somehow something will be done that might not be noticed for a long time but it will be there. I think even the strongest healthiest relationships will have an issue even if the people involved dont realise it yet.

Pretty sure the idea is that you "correct" - ie sort out - the issues you do create, as you go along. So eg if your dc have issues which come into plain sight during pre-teens, you can doing lots of listening and loving; they say where they hurt and you say sorry.

So, yes, all kids will have issues; their fate depends on whether you help them sort it out. Being honest helps.

Sorry, was just paraphrasing, too lazy to double check too

glad to see there are some who feel unscarred by their parents' issues (maybe they have/had none?)

i of course will tackle any issues as they arise. i just worry that even with that i'll have messed them up. i'm sure my mum would be shocked to hear some of the issues i have relating to aspects of my upbringing. no doubt, at the time, she ticked the box marked "dealt with" and thought she'd sorted whatever the issue was or never even realised that the issue existed or had been created by something she had done.

if i'm being very honest i am terrified that my dcs and I will have the type of relationship i now have with my mother. i would hate to damage them so much whilst all the while thinking i'm doing the right thing and re-create what i already have with my mum.

There's a book called They Fuck You Up which basically says, no, you can't avoid giving them any issues. The author wrote a follow-up with the optimistic title How not to fuck them up - might be an interesting read?

If there are specific patterns you want to avoid repeating with your DC I think that's different, but there are always going to be hurdles in the process of becoming an adult and finding out who you are and how you fit into the wider world relating to how you have fitted into your family. I don't think anybody is totally well-rounded and sorted 100% from the day they leave home, are they?

Oh although Oliver James is the "all working mums are terrible" loon isn't he? Perhaps not the most reliable of sources then... but I found the "they fuck you up" book interesting to read in the context of my own relationship with my parents.

I've probably got a few superficial issues, but nothing I can really pinpoint or hold resentment over. I'm really glad the stork delivered me where it did.

I think we all just do our best. Well, most of us.

thanks bertie. it's a horrible thought that i will hurt them no matter what i do to prevent it. it really upset me today when we were talking about it and BF has actually decided not to have dcs because she honestly believes she will do what her own mother did and just couldn't face doing that to a child.

glad to hear that midnight. do you think your Dparents did anything specifically that meant you have a good relationship with them/yourself? or is it just personalities? are they lucky enough to have come to parenthood without any issues?

BooyHoo - that's sad about your friend not wanting to have children in case she turns out like her mother.

I think I'm fairly well-rounded. I think both my mum and dad (and step-dad) did what they thought was best for us as children, it just didn't always work out as planned.
I have an amazingly close relationship with my mum (considering we live at opposite ends of the UK). I have an ok relationship with my step-dad, used to be great, but he's been a bit of an arse since he hit his 50's so I've gone off him a bit. I like to think I would still have a great relationship with my dad, but he died when I was younger, so I'll never know!

I don't think it has to be as terrible as all that. I have some issues which probably come from childhood but overall I'm happy, I'm fairly successful (if you skip over the teen pregnancy part ) and my mum's always been unfailingly supportive and there for me. "Issues" doesn't always mean massive, life-limiting issues, and overcoming these things has/is just a big part of me growing up and becoming an adult and a person in my own right. If someone did miraculously never have any issues to deal with ever, how could they relate to someone who had? How could they relate to 99% of the population?

The book actually reassured me because it made me stop worrying so much about getting everything absolutely "right" in the hope of preventing any kind of trauma because whatever you choose it might not be right for your child, you just have no way of knowing how they will react to different things, so it's all about how you deal with stuff as it comes up, not being afraid to say "I'm sorry, I dealt with this badly, let me try and make it right" (although without grovelling since that's not really helpful either...) rather than making excuses or minimising or denying or ploughing on with something which is clearly not working because you believe it's the one and only right way to do something.

It's definitely possible to avoid destructive patterns that your parents followed, you just have to identify what they are (that can be the hard part).

it is sad. and i think both she and her DH would make great parents but she just cant get past the issues with her mum. i do understand her fear though.

what do you think it is that has kept you and your mum so close?

yes bertie, i see what you are saying. that all makes sense. i think i just had a bit of a panic today when we got onto teh subject and it dawned on me that i was raising children to the best of my ability and still might fuck them up/hurt them.

but yes there are defintely patterns i dont want to repeat.

maybe i am thinking too much and should just do what i'm doing and hope they dont hate me?

Booyhoo, I am another one that is scared of turning out like my mother. I have her temper and find it very hard to control, especially when stressed. I would hate to treat my children as she treated us.

And therefore I'm not having any.

I was having a jokey discussion about this with my 16 year old DD. We were trying to work out what I should or shouldn't say to her about her looks.

Do I tell she looks beautiful (then I value her looks and wouldn't love her as much if she was ugly)
Do I never mention her looks (then I am not interested in her and I must think she is really ugly if I could never tell her she was pretty).
Do I tell she is ugly (obviously a bad idea)
Do I tell her she is average looking (also, obviously a bad idea)

You see, you just can't win

Of course it is!
I'd say it's "the norm" tbh.