Mumsnet Talk

Sorry for clumsy title and if this upsets anyone.

Relatives unfortunately lost their baby in awful circumstances a couple of years ago. They've just had another baby and I want to send a congratulations card but feel like I should refer in some way to the baby they lost.

Obviously I have no idea what they've been through, but I wondered if having a new baby brought other feelings with it. I'm sure they're delighted, but imagine they're also heartbroken that their first born isn't there too.

I'm terrible at expressing myself well and want to avoid upsetting them with my well meaning but probably clumsy sentiments.

It would have upset me if someone wrote about my son or daughter in a congratulations card for the birth of my other children. I would just leave it and send them a card on their babys birthday or anniversary if you know it, to let them know you still remember their child.

I don't think I would with this. New babies are a time to celebrate the new life, not bring up past heartache.

If it was me I'd just keep it simple and congratulate them on their new baby.

Just offer your congratulations, that would be best.

I would remember their first child on their birthday, I am always very touched when people remember.

Oh I didn't want to ruin their congratulations card, I know it's a celebration of new life I'm sorry if my post sounded insensitive.

I made a donation to charity and sent a card at Christmas and their first child's birthday. I just didn't want to forget their older child but of course I won't say anything in the card if it sounds insensitive. That really is the very last thing I'd want.

This happened to a friend of mine - stillbirth dd. 18 months later they had another dd. In the card I just wrote the usual congratulatory stuff, but when she and I were alone at some point when I saw them, I gave her a cwtch and we talked about her first baby a bit as she felt that everyone had avoided the topic and not known what to say. But not in the card - the card is for happy times and is all about the baby.

Yes you're right, gosh I'm mortified and sorry if I've upset anyone. I really, really do not want to do that.

I don't know them well (they're on my husband's side and some distance away) so I suppose don't have the existing relationship to do that. But I will of course just send a nice card and say how happy we are for them.

You shouldn't be mortified. Whatever people would prefer or do, I think the thing that really matters is that you are thinking about and remembering their first child. You sound like you have been lovely in thinking to send things in the past, and I admit I wouldn't be sure what to do in this situation either.

Good job you asked.

I think that remembering the baby that died is a good thing, but the card congratulating them on the birth of the new one is not the place to do it.

I have a friend who had 7 miscarriages and 2 still births. She finally had a lovely live baby last year.

I bought pressies and a card and kept to the normal congratulations. We did chat about those lost later on though.

Thanks for being kind Amanda.

Although I can never begin to imagine what they have been through, I just wondered if a new baby might bring some mixed feelings? I just don't want to them to think we have forgotten their first child but obviously this isn't the way to tell them that. I will try and say it sensitively when we see them.

I've seen their parents and I think they think it is a good thing and now they can "move on" (I suppose a common reaction years ago) and of course they can't have. That's not to say it's not great news they've had another baby.

Congratulate on birth only.

It's so nice and thoughtful that you're thinking of the baby they lost, but as others have said, this is not the place to mention it.

You are really being very thoughtful, and it would have meant the world to them that you remembered their baby and made a charity donation, a lot of people are just awkward and don't mention it.

You have nothing to be mortified about, at all

george don;t be mortified, there is no blueprint as everyone handles their loss in different ways. I know my friend was always jsut so touched that anyone else remembered at all. Nice card will be just fine.

Thanks guys. I understand what you are all saying and promise I won't say anything in the card.

OP you sound lovely. I understand your concern about whether or not to mention their first child.

As the mother of an older child that died for me ( and many other bereaved mums that I talk to ) it is very important that our dead children are not brushed under the carpet.

Nothing can upset us anymore than them dying. Ever. We want them to be remembered.

Hopefully someone who has lost a baby then had another will add their thoughts on this subject.

But for me I would and I have mentioned the child that has died.

And it upsets me that a dead child being referred to is bringing up past heartache.

A dead child is never forgotten. They are still part of our family. We still love them and talk about them.

I suppose that was what I was thinking everlong - it's not that I would be reminding them of their loss really, as they must feel it acutely every day. I just didn't want to be insensitive, either way - is it insensitive to say something? Or nothing?

I think I will hold back on the card and say something when we see them. I suspect that some family members will see this as them "moving on" when of course that can't be the case.

And I should have also said, sorry for those that have had to experience this loss too. It's just heartbreaking and I really appreciate you giving your advice when it must be painful for you.

I agree everlong, but I don't think a congratulations card is the place to do it. Maybe a letter in a couple of weeks time, or saying something in person.

Op I would especially urge you to remember their childs birthday this year. When I lost my son people remembered until I had my son 3 years later then he seemed to be forgotton about, when I lost my daughter no-one bothered much at all as I had 2 children with me. In fact its been 6 years today since she died and no-one has remembered at all

I wouldn't mention it at al. Just congratulate them on the birth of the child they have just had, and leave it at that.

It's the safest thing to do. Mention the lost child and it could all go horribly wrong, but no-one could hold it against you for not mentioning them in these circumstances. It's impossible to know what to do for the best in situations like this, but if in doubt, do nothing.

I'm sorry nobody has remembered your dd missy

I'm sorry Missy.

There is nothing that hurts more than their name not being mentioned. Believe me.

People think it's the right thing, but it's more for their needs, not to mention it. It's just all too awful, so they keep quiet.

When all you want to do is talk about them.

Oh Missy I'm so sorry I can't imagine what you've gone through and when people do that it must make you feel even more alone. I hope this thread hasn't added to your pain today.

I promise I will always remember her birthday. She existed and a new sibling doesn't change that at all. I suppose my thoughts about this were that people would think exactly what you say has happened to you, it's all OK now because another child is here. The grandparents said something along those lines to me, and although I know they meant well, I thought it just sounded awful.

It's not comparable but I lost a parent at a young age, and no-one ever mentions it to me. Never asks me anything about them, what they were like, what happened etc. This was from a young age and always made me feel a bit of a freak, for want of a better word. I learnt then that nothing anyone can say is as tough as losing someone you love.

My dd1 died 14 months ago when she was 2 days old - I am now 31 wks pg with my 2nd child.
I would love if people acknowledged dd1 on a congratulations card when this lo is born - as they might mention an older child eg 'congratulations on the safe arrival of xxx, a beautiful dd/ds and brother/sister for yyy'
My daughter is still part of our family and mentioning her couldn't upset me any more than I already am iykwim.