Mumsnet Talk

I have learnt not to expect anything much from dhs family.

Dhs brother has moved to the uk, and lives with his dp and dd.
Dhs mum is coming over for a long weekend. She was invited to stay with us, but naturally she is staying with her sister.

Since ds1 was born dhs aunt has had a habit of promising more than she can deliver. Like coming over to see me when dh was abroad for months at the time, picking up shopping when I was ill and ds was a wee baby, etc. I dont hold a grudge. Just learnt not to rely on her.

Numerous times she has asked if she can babysit, or offered that she babysits so we can go out, and when we have actually asked her, she has been enthusiastic but cancelled last moment due to other plans. In recent years we have not asked her at all, as we have learnt that she is unreliable and can cancel virtually last moment, or just not show up at all, leaving us stranded, even for parents meetings at school where the teacher has wanted to see us both.

Last time dhs mum was over, she and aunt and other family was invited over for a meal. Sunday lunch. No show. I cooked for everybody, the kids were expecting grandma and auntiagrandma, and nobody turned up. Eventually dh rang and was fobbed off, so he went and picked up his mum for an evening visit.

So, back to the present, so to speak. Dhs mum is arriving tomorrow. Dh is to pick her up at the airport and bring her to her sister.

Dh suggested to invite his brother, brothers dp and baby, and mum over here on Sunday. I said, "great idea, it is mothers day, I will cook sunday lunch and all the "mothers" are present, sil, mil, auntie and all." He rang his aunt and suggested it and she gave her usual "yes, what a good idea"

So, here is the problem. I said to him "Just please ensure that they actually come" He had totally forgotten about the other times where I have cooked, the kids have been disappointed, and they have simply not bothered to show.

He has gone off in a huff, furious that I have said something bad about his family.

Well- He says bad about my family all the time, and rightly so! Why can I not speak the truth about his?

Bad attitude from your husband when you are going to so much trouble to cook for so many (seeing as it's your Mother's Day too!!) Next year, suggest your husband takes you all out for Mother's Day lunch and gives you a nice treat. I think it was wrong of your husband to react as he did; after all, it's really not nice to put yourself out and have guests not show without very good reason.

Tbh, I'd be booking myself a spa day and buggering off. It's your Mother's Day too don't forget

That is what I told him. I said "Actually, I wont cook at all if you cant even make sure they bother to turn up, just take them out for a meal and leave me out of it!"

I would of said the same "please make sure they come this time"

I'm not sure i would of invited them for lunch again perhaps after lunch tea and cake kind of thing just so I would not of wasted my time on them.

Your DH is in the wrong but is prob a bit embarrassed from the last no show. if not he should be

Hope they turn up for you all this time.

Oh No, I would be asking him to sort it out himself - the cooking or restaurant booking, sorting it out by cooking is simply " enabling" him, so he will never know the effort you go to and how annoying it is when someone doesnt turn up.

It's mother's day and his family- why isn't he doing the cooking? The point is that you are pampered in recognition of your hard work all year round. I think you should go to a spa for the day.

Problem is, I am not that coherent now.
I have been off with the dreaded Flu for over a week, had a nightmare in work prior to that being on a course. Ds1 has had a tummy bug and off school since tuesday. So I opened a bottle of wine and feel slightly tipsy.

I told him I am the first to agree with him when he slags off my family, so why can he not just accept that his family can also cause issues.

It is unfair.

<stamps foot>

Think I will stick to "I am not cooking, he can take us all out for a meal"

All of us that shows up, that is....

Out for a meal sounds great, you get to enjoy Mother's Day too that way.

We cant actually afford a meal out for 11 people!!

Not in South West London we cant!

I am just disappointed that he can be honest about MY family, but I have to tiptoe around his and not say a word, like they are holy cows and my family are shits.

Sod off out to eat as a treat for Mother's Day and let DH cook a meal for his mother and family?

Get thee out of the dog house and go do something you will enjoy with your DC, have a great Mother's Day. Of course I hope MIL enjoys Mother's Day too, whatever she does.

It's just a natural thing, to feel protective of your own family and embarrassed about their faults being spotted.
It's Ok that your DH was defensive straight away, but I hope after thinking about it he'll realise his reactions were unfair. He should apologise really.

I hope you aren't doing too much after being ill!

I would just make a vat of something that can be easily frozen and if they come and eat it all well and if they don't you've got a few meals' worth in the freezer!

In all honesty, I wouldn't have offered to cook in the first place if they hadn't bothered turning up in the past, but you have offered.

"I would just make a vat of something that can be easily frozen and if they come and eat it all well and if they don't you've got a few meals' worth in the freezer!"

I agree.

My mother always said to me "Start as you mean to go on". She said this because she wished she'd taken note of it when her own mother had said it to her when she married my father during the war in the 40's- and she hadn't; and no doubt, her mother hadn't from her mother, in her turn. This was with solid reason; my father wasn't a bad man but he had a temper. So had his brother. His brother's wife, however, was a good downright, northern lass and made it plain, from the get-go, she was not going to tolerate any temper tantrums. They had five boys and she ruled the six of them, it was said, 'with a rod of iron'. My mother, on the other hand, was taken somewhat by surprise by this propensity, from my father, to indulge himself in his temper and while I cannot say we had a bad upbringing for the time, we were all somewhat 'terrorised' by my father's moods. My mother, I think, always felt that had she 'put her foot down' at the start, it would have brought my father up short and given him a boundary. While I do not hold my mother responsible (and neither, quite rightly, did she) for another persons (my father's) behaviour, in real life, with real people, it can often be the case that they must do something about it. People can take the piss, especially in-laws; it's almost as if they're 'testing' you (and that can include one's own dh - they can feel trapped in the middle, between loyalty to their 'old' family, and their 'new' family) in these convoluted family dynamics. You have to demonstrate your position and your authority, childish as it might all seem; what you'll tolerate, how far you can be pushed (and there will be those who want to see exactly how far that is, consciously or unconsciously, including one's own dh). You should start to call the shots, on your terms. No doubt it'll cause ructions, at first, but when people don't show up for a big pre-arranged meal, knowing all that that entails, that's just damn bad manners; appallingly unforgivable in fact, short of a bloody good excuse like a heart attack, and in my book, they've forfeited any future considerations. If you simply cave, that'll be translated as you being a weak pushover. And the next time, and the next time. So put a stop to it now; before it's too late. Not in a nasty, bad-tempered way, (not that you'd not be entitled) - don't let this build up and build up until you 'suddenly' blow your top which will be interpreted as 'ooh, what's wrong with her?', but a strong way. Get yourself some respect, even if it means talk behind your back. So what. While you don't want to cause family division and argument (I'm assuming) people like that, in the end, aren't worth your putting yourself out for and I can see this ending in making a rod for your own back if you're not careful.

So he is cross that you've pointed out that last time they didn't show up? He can hardly be surprised that you are worried about whether they will turn up.

You need to sort food that can be frozen, as Sissy suggests. Then if they don't turn up you will be prepared but if they do come you can feed everyone.

If they don't turn up your DH will have to acknowledge how flaky his family are. It should be nibbles only or a restaurant meal next time they are invited. Or they bring their own contributions.

And DH can start being a bit more useful in the kitchen in future, it shouldn't all be falling to you.

Hope that DH is suitably apologetic this morning, Quint, it sounds totally weird that his family can simply 'not turn up' to a pre-arranged lunch . Have a nice day tomorrow .

I find it best not to criticise my ILs as DH tends to get defensive about them. I can understand that - I wouldn't want to hear him slagging off my parents either. So I leave it to him to make the first critical comment and then when he does I agree with him and we have a good bitch about them together

Hope they show up and you have a lovely day.

Tell your husband to cook a big meal while you head out with your own children for lunch.

Or do nothing.

And my husband is the same. He can slam my family to Mars, but the second I criticize his I am the worst person in the world. So I tell him to fuck off when he does it and that turn around is fair play. It shuts him up for a few days at least.

He was very apologetic and sheepish this morning.

We have turned Sunday lunch in to a Norwegian lunch. This means Smorgasbord, with cold cuts, smoked salmon, scrambled eggs, herring, salad, different breads and cheeses. It wont be too much work, and what is not eaten just goes straight back into the fridge.

Sounds like a good compromise, Quint.

Perfect idea hope all goes well for you.