Mumsnet Talk

Bogeyface, as a fellow atheist, I totally agree with you.

Oh, FWIW, I'm a Christian, my DH is an atheist, and I didnt feel happy making him say vows that he didn't believe in, so we got married at the register office and then had a separate do in a historic venue.

Would that be an option that might suit you?

I agree Bogey but IME many vicars don't mind as they naively think some of them are "drawn" to the Church for some deep spiritual reason and will enjoy it and come back to Church.

Our Vicar knows quite well that for a lot of people they pick the church simply because it is pretty but they can't turn then down because of that. That said we have had some couples who have got married in the church and then start attending regularly afterwards but I would imagine they are people who had some sort of faith before so not really converted just practising now.

If someone doesn't believe I don't understand why they would want to get married in a church

Vinegar my mums church will marry pretty much anyone because they feel that they should open their doors to anyone who wants to use the church in the hope that they will come back. Sadly, not many (if any) do.

I fell out with my sister over her wedding in a church. She was anti religion but wanted the pretty photos and the big entrance. Actually I fell out with her because she was bridezilla from hell, but that was one of the main things!

We live in hope, VinegarDrinker

Plus our church had horses stabled in it during the Civil War, so anything's got to be a step up from that.

I'm glad someone else said that about faith. But ... the OP does say the church has meaning for her, she's visited it since childhood and she appreciates the history of it - isn't that a good reason? It will mean something to her as a place so will be a good start for her marriage, and that's positive.

What would be inappropriate would be somebody who didn't have respect - but I don't think that is what she is saying at all.

You and my Mum GrendelsMum

I was desperate to marry in our local church, we did go to some services, not many but we supported the church, lived opposite the vicar, children went to the cofe school connected with the church etc etc.

However, we are dirty evil divorcees and so were not allowed to marry there as per our diocese's rules. We were offered a blessing but turned it down on pricipal. It all made me very

I'm with bogey, I think it is ridiculous when people get married in church yet never go and don't believe in it. It would be just as ridiculous for me (a RC) to get married in a synagogue or mosque!

If she could get married in the building without getting married within the Church of England, I'd agree with you that it would have meaning. But you can't (unless it's been deconsecrated, as I mentioned before).

I just can't comprehend making marriage vows you think are bullshit, for the sake of a building you like. That's stepping down the road of "wedding day more important than years of marriage" for me.

I'm a devote athiest, DH is CofE so we got married in his parish church. Where his parents and sister still worshiped and he had been an alter boy.

I wish I had a picture he must have looked very cute.

I was only happy to do this because DH's family was so much part of the church and the vicar knew I didn't believe a word of it and didn't mind.

He did joke, that I went to church more often than some supposed believers. I probably did as we tended to visit Easter and Christmas.

Today it would be a harder choice because I got married just before beautiful secular places were allowed to hold weddings. Back then it was DH's church or my local dump of a registry office.

It also had the advantage that we could invite who we liked, where as back home I'd have had a load of school mates wanting a disco afterwards. DH was older and his lot had dispersed all over the country.

the OP does say the church has meaning for her, she's visited it since childhood and she appreciates the history of it - isn't that a good reason? It will mean something to her as a place so will be a good start for her marriage, and that's positive.

I agree with LRD.

It's not the same as getting married in a synagogue unless that particular synagogue featured heavily in your childhood.

The building means something to her, but the christian vows dont and thats what I take issue with. The important part of the whole thing is not the pretty church or the nice photos, its the marriage ceremony and if you are atheist I dont see how you can take christian vows and them have any real meaning. You are starting your married life on a lie, how is that ok?

I didn't say it was something that I would do, but it's not comparable to using the building and vows of a religion that you have no history with.

When we got married in a lovely old church near where my parents live but not their parish church, the vicar was happy to marry us as long as we went there 'regularly' for 6 months (by regularly once a month was enough - we lived over 100 miles away). I'd been baptized in that church, my parents were married there and my nana was buried there (perhaps the biggest reason for wanting to be married there).

I think most vicars would be fine with someone talking it through with them, though, so no need to lie. My own vicar marries people who're not both C of E. I think the vicar wouldn't be human if he or she didn't hope the wedding would lead to a bit more interest in the church and maybe some faith, but I don't think they would see it as being a 'lie' if you'd been clear that one partner is Catholic an the other doesn't attend church but feels the community of this church is important to her.

I guess all she can do is see what kind of vicar this church has and what his or her attitude would do - I'm sure there are others, not like my vicar, who wouldn't like the idea, but they could say so.

It's not as if they're not going to notice she's not a churchgoer.

I wouldn't do it either, but nor would I have a problem with it so long as it was done with respect.

The church means a lot to you, but you've never actually attended a service there? . Why not be honest and admit it would look nice in the photographs?

I would of loved to have been married in the church where OH grew up. It is very picturesque and atmospheric and would of looked amazing in the photos.
We didnt, because OH's parents are very active in their church and attend regularly. They take their religion seriously and knew OH and I were atheists. I genuinely could not bring myself to stand in front of them, and their family/friends and make vows which invoked the name of a deity I did not belive it. I felt it made a mockery of their beliefs and their church and whilst I dont have faith, I do have respect.
I also felt it somehow invalidated my vows. When I took my vows I meant every word. Not just half of them, which I would of if I had married in a religious ceremony.

You have the right to be married in your local parish church. That's why the CofE are getting their knickers in a twist (so to speak!) about gay weddings. As it stands they either lose the 'official stamp' or they allow homosexual marriage - they don't fancy either option.