Mumsnet Talk

Just a rant really but a longish one

I was walking home with DH last night, had been out for a meal, and he was telling me what car he would buy if we won the lottery. I said I would get a blah, blah and he says no you wouldn't! Cue me looking at him funny and asking "why". Very long drawn out answer that is basically him saying "he gets paid a lot of money and I don't so all the pressures on him and he deserves a new car and obviously I don't". It was a comment about a fictitious win but all this erupted from him. WTF.

We've been married for nearly twenty years, I gave up a good job to follow him. Getting a good job where we live was never a realistic achievement without re training which I have done recently but with the recession I am only on part time. But that's fine as we have kids and its not like he does fuck all with them. I do the house, meals etc and I get no credit whatsover. I don't want a medal and I'm fairly happy in my life but is this really how little he thinks of me and my contribution to our lives (only in monetary terms)?

That does make him sound like quite the twat. Did he have an old fashioned upbringing that might at least explain it, if not excuse it?

Yes, he did. The more he earns the worse it gets too and is manifesting more in our daily life. I've just turned forty and I think my tolerance levels have left the building.

That sounds horrible. No advice, sorry, but I'd probably stop doing everything for him to find a way to make him appreciate your role in the family. Good luck as I'd have gotten seriously angry myself.

Equality in marriage is a myth. Each couple has to do what works for them

My own fault in a way as I've let it go on for so long. Married youngish and was very naive. Difficult to extract myself from what's the "norm" really.

He's just come in from golf and asked me to make him a cup of tea. I said "no whilst you've been at golf I've been cleaning the house so you can make me tea". He says "I've spent a week at a shitty job making money so you can stay in a lovely house and buy nice things". I said "but I didn't ask you to do that and we can sell the house and go back home to live tomorrow if its so bad". He's gone off in the huff.

I think it's up to every couple to negotiate what works for them. Having said that, it always surprises me a little in this day and age when couples seem to want very polarised positions, because there is no reason on earth these days why women should feel their career is any less important (or indeed why men should feel less capable to do child and domestic related things)

Does your husband genuinely feel very pressurised to earn? If so, then it's time to renegotiate, and set out a pathway where he does more with the children and home and your work life takes greater priority. If it was just a throwaway comment and not meant then I guess you're both happy with the status quo

Does he often go off in a huff? That's crap. I'm not sure how you make someone value your role - can you talk to him calmly about it? For me, this would be truly serious, as I couldn't live like that, however obviously everyone has their own tolerance / acceptance levels. I wish I had something wise to say, sorry.

He feels he gets a bigger say in what you purchase and also gets to order you around because he earns more money? This isn't about compromising it is much more fundamental than that. It is about respect for your partner, the basis for most relationships (be they marriage or friendships). He doesn't have respect for everything you do and how you have enabled him to earn his money. Does he do anything with the children? I couldn't work that bit out? They don't look after themselves let's face it. And they are his children too.

I think that this is a big problem because it is his attitude that is the issue and that is ingrained. You could try talking to him but if he keeps walking off in a huff like a child then that is going to be difficult. He obviously feels entitled to be like this.

He freely admits that if we had enough money he would play golf more and the thought of him cleaning a toilet ha ha!

My job always comes second and for good reason, the salary difference is huge. I can't earn what he earns and I guess i never whilst we live here so it does make sense that I make those sacrifices but its shit when I get no credit for it. I tell him I appreciate him and show him in so many ways.

Actually, the more I type. The more I think it's me that's having a bit of a crisis and he's just doing what he always has. Hmmmmm

Huff was just today not really his usual. Kids are teens but we live abroad and public transport is appalling so I do a lot of the running around for them.

At what point did you agree that his career came first?
Did he always earn loads more than you, and you willingly entered the partnership knowing that he would feel this gave him certain 'rights' and accepted it because of the benefits to you? (because being completely honest with you, some women do choose that. They don't want the responsibility of a serious career themselves, but enjoy the lifestyle that they can have through a high earning partner)
Lack of respect and appreciation is never ok in a relationship. But I think your starting point needs to be: how did we get to this situation? What expectations did you both bring to marriage and parenthood?
If the goalposts have moved and you are now not happy with a situation which you previously were happy with, then you need to sit down and discuss things openly, and not accept any bull shitting from him.
Again, I am not being judgemental because I don't know the nuances of your situation, but I do know in RL some women who were more than happy to take a back seat career wise for many years, and quite willingly took on all the childcare and domestic chores as a trade off for not having the pressure of a career. Then a few years down the line, usually when the children are a bit older and in school, the woman can begin to feel unappreciated.
I reiterate: lack of basic respect and common courtesy is a no no
But I also think where situations like yours develop, there's often a long history to unravel about how you arrived at this point

I think you are just beginning to realise this isn't right or fair to you and he isn't as nice as you thought.

There is definitely an imbalance of power in the relationship in favour of him and there is no reason for him to give it up. And don't believe the guff about how is providing everything for you and the sacrifices he has made. He gets all the status with that and really he wouldn't do it if he didn't want to. Hence why he walked off in a huff when you called his bluff. He isn't going to give it up. It gives him benefits.

But again it is his attitude which is the real issue. Would you feel entitled to have a brand new car for yourself if the positions were reversed (in terms of income)? He thinks that is perfectly acceptable whereas for most of us it wouldn't even cross our minds that our partners weren't entitled to new car.

It sounds like money has become overly important in your relationship; in his mind, at least, money is so important that he has become a more important person in the relationship simply because he earns more. I think that's a really unhealthy dynamic and just a bit sad; does he respect you in any way? Perhaps you should make it crystal clear to him that he must change his ways and respect you more or it could result in some serious problems. Purely from what you've described, it does sound as if he views you as a maid.

He judges you because of what you earn, not what you contribute overall. How awful. I earn more than my husband but I don't think less of him for that. Not at all. He is my equal.

Thanks for all you responses. Perhaps, I need to stop doing all the 'other' things or just make sure he knows exactly what I do. Maybe a list? I know he works hard but I do to and a bit of respect would be nice.

Is he starting an argument just to have an argument.
It strikes an odd note for someone to suddenly to dismiss your contribution.
A childish one this reason but has someone recently come into your circle who has those old fashioned views who he likes and wants to emulate.
I work with blokes and find if a new boss comes in some alter their position to mirror the new person. Sort of pack animal behaviour.

Maybe too much cod psychology but a thought