Mumsnet Talk

Didn't want to R&R

OP sounds like you are doing the right thing. Your DD know you are there for when she does want to talk.

I still have a 'feelings box' at 28 for writing down my feelings about berievement, (have quite a few ill friends and family at the moment.) every couple of days I take all the pieces of paper out and either share what is written with my DH or shred/burn them of they are sad things or put them in a special album of they're happy memories of the person.

Gosh, this has had me in tears. Your poor DD, her poor classmates, the poor teachers who will be affected by the loss of their colleague (and probably friend too), and most of all, her poor poor family.

Oh God, my thoughts are with you

Few monthe back, I moved to a new area, and joined the Surestart centre. The lady who was in charge of it was lovely, attractive, young, energetic, chatty.

She had a major heart attack and passed away. I had to tell DS she had moved house.

She was a star, couldnt do enough for you

My dd was very quiet for a few days in the run up to returning to school. She didnt talk about it much. She did email her friends a little bit over that time. I saw their messages and they were all a bit shell shocked tbh. She talked more after they returned to school. I guess because it was discussed by staff and children together and the initial shock had worn a bit as we had 6 or 7 days between the news and school.

Dd did ask about what happened next, who the new Teacher would be, etc. I know one mum was worried hat her dd was doing that and concerned it seemed a bit heartless and not thinking of the death. But I think it's normal and a way of them getting thinks straight in ther own heads.

Hugs for your girls, its a tough time for all concerned.

Thanks to all. I've come back to ask for your thoughts on something.

Dd2 continues subdued, but has been interacting well with us and I made a point of spending lots of time with her yesterday. She was very happy to see our friend's baby and we had a pamper session in the evening. She knows that I'm around but WILL NOT discuss her teacher's death at all. It felt right not to force things, so I have been going along with this. This means that after the initial shock of Friday afternoon we've been very close but effectively pretending that this has not happened.

However, there is a note on the school's website saying that Miss M's funeral is tomorrow afternoon, and inviting anyone along who wants to attend. (We don't live in England, and funerals happen much more quickly here.)

I really don't know whether to take dd. It might help the family to see pupils there. Dd was in this teacher's class, which is the oldest class, aged 10-11. On the other hand, dd has never been to a funeral before, is very upset and my instinct is to protect her. The idea of seeing a coffin that has her teacher in it makes me cry, never mind a child . But this seems selfish in the context of the teacher's family and this horrible bereavement.

School is closed tomorrow, and as it happened on Friday there have been no school days in between the death and the funeral. I know that youknow and her dd may not be going for other reasons, but I don't know whether other pupils are going. I may contact some other parents later, although I imagine they will be as torn as I am.

I hope I haven't upset anyone with this question, and would really appreciate your advice.

I think I would be tempted to take her TBH. I think the family would be glad to see the children there. I would contact some of the other parents and if you can try and go together?

Maybe the funeral will help her to open up about her feelings and maybe have a huge cry?

I am no expert. I have a DS of 11 and I think I would do that if it were him. x

I think I would ask other parents if they are taking their children - much better for them if there is a group of them. A funeral also helps to give closure, and I don't think 11 is too young.

That's sort of what I was thinking MrsS.

Thanks to both of you. I think I'll start by contacting other parents, as I agree it would be better to have a group.

I think I would go with her to the funeral if she is OK with the idea.
And you could perhaps find out if others are going and go with them ?
I wish my DM had helped me go to my friend's funeral when I was 19.
I know I could probably have gone on my own but I didn't really understand funerals at that age and would have liked it if she'd suggested going with me.
I would have liked to have gone and think it would have helped me and hopefully their family too a little.

IThink. This was not what you had ever imagined doing tomorrow. It's so unbelievably hard for the children. Well everyone really.

Thank you. The school staff are meeting beforehand to travel together to the funeral, but I don't know yet if any of the pupils will be attending. I wouldn't want dd to be the only pupil there so will ring other parents and ask them.

I'm in the same position as IThink I really don't know what to do tomorrow. I really really should be at work it would be very very difficult to take the time off and I was wondering if anyone would feel that I was doing the wrong thing and somehow being disrespectful if I didn't go or did t take DD?

The other thing that may be relevant is that my DD (unlike ithinks) has been to 4 funerals already and knows exactly what to expect.

My thoughts are with you both and your DD's and all who are connected to this tragedy.

I am a blubbering wreck having read this as my DD's yr4 teacher had a serious RTA almost a year ago. Fortunately her teacher survived and following a long recovery is now back to work. However DD was heart broken for a long time. He too is young they were his first class.

I cannot imagine the way your DD's are feeling but please know you are doing your best to help them. With regard to the funeral I think if you can find out if other parents and children are going it would help. If you feel it would be too much perhaps you could meet at school and remember her together?

I went to my first non-family funeral when I was 10. It was the first death of somebody close to me. A friend of mine from school died suddenly, we were very close and I wanted to be there. I still remember throwing a rose onto his coffin in the ground. It certainly helped remove the "mystery" of funerals for me as a child. I attended with a group of friends, my parents did not come, although I am not sure why not. We lived in Switzerland and by that age were very autonomous - I remember i went on the bus.

If she wants to go I would definitely take your dd to the funeral. I took our DS - 7 years old - to a memorial service for a friends mom yesterday and we talked in advance what to expect and then spoke about it afterwards as well.

We told him that it was about supporting friends in difficult times when they have to say goodbye to a loved one, and that others would give us that support when needed too.

I chose not to take dd to the funeral f her teacher. We did what felt right for dd at that time. And dd expressed a feeling not to go. We went to the local park and released a balloon with message and said a few words ourself. She had a big school memorial too though.

3 girls did go with their parents. They said it was a lovely ceremony.

I think you have to just do what feels right for you and your dd, and what your dd wants too.

Btw the family were happy either way and definitely were not upset if children didnt go. The children involved were about the same age: 10-11.
School did have a big memorial though which the class involved had a large part. They did readings and memorial speeches, and prayers, etc. and the teachers partner and other family attended. So I guess for us this formed a similar function as the funeral, which was the same day but later on. There were many years, children and adults alike. But i think the shared grief helped in some way too.

Ask your dd. If she wants too go then go. If not don't or do something together like letting of a balloon and saying something.
The school will no doubt do a memorial service. My friend was a ta and her school had one for her and people went to her funeral - she did 1-1 so the children she looked after went as did her boss and friends from school.

It made me and her parents happy to see people cared enough to come and share memories

You did things with your DD together with others to remember her teacher Hulababy to me that's what matters, that could either include going to the funeral or other ways of remembering her. I just wished we'd done more when my friend died, but we did go over and visit her Mum with my mother so that was good.