Mumsnet Talk

Oh dear. You can't have your cake and eat it, which is what it spynds luke you want. You want to exclude her and also want her to be ok with it? Why do you really want her to be fine with it? Because its socially awkward or you don't like feeling like the bad guy? Cos that's not fair. If you want to go on holiday with one friend and not the other, you are making the decision that her friendship isn't as important to you, so of course she's going to be upset. But that's really what you want, so I think you have to bite the bullet and jettison this friendship, as it sounds like you don't really value her anymore.

Do you and friend a have the same parenting styles and b doesn't? Then I am surprised you have managed to keep a friendship going with dc as they get older as surely it would come up so much? And make you all so uncomfortable? A drift of not inviting her to shared trips to the zoo or whatever because of the shouting and smacking or wherever friend b does you don't agree with.

She might not want to come- she might think your parenting styles are beyond the pale and not want to spend a week watching you let your dc stay up all night or whatever!!

I would book it and when holidays come up say you and friend a decided to go to x. If she asks why she wasn't invited just say you thought as she does things differently, both you would hate it to cause friction on a holiday.

Lots of good advice... you're right, I shouldn't lie to her, and I don't really want to, but how the hell do you tell someone that you don't want them to come on holiday with you because of their kids??? I don't even know how to begin with that conversation. I'm sweating now at the thought of it, I've never been good at confrontation.

The different parenting styles doesn't cause much bother normally as I tend to see her without the kids, ever since her DS and my DS1 had a massive fight once while they were over at our house. We've managed a few long weekends away as families, but to be honest I don't even want to do another one of those, although I would because I'm a wuss who can't stand up to people and tell them the hard truth.

Anyway, thanks to all of you for the advice... I'll try and think of a way of telling her the truth that hopefully won't lead her to ask me outright why she hasn't been invited. I'm off now...

Ooooh its really difficult. I feel for you!

If your dc don't get on and fight then that's your reason - after all it's your dc holiday too, and no one wants to holiday with someone they don't like if they can help it. If you already meet without the dc then it's not so hard.. Good luck, she's not going to bite you!

How about...
Hey friend B, come sit a moment, I need to talk to you. Friend A and I are going away with our families for the holidays to X location. We have decided, for a bunch of reasons, that this time it will be just us. We want a stress free time, and we have different parenting styles. I know we each do our own thing when it comes to the kids, but you can see how it could get stressful when its day in and day out, right?
I wanted to talk to you about it directly, so you didn't think I was being sneaky. I value your friendship, and I had a great time with you on our girls get away. I look forward to more of those kinds of trips.
I hope you can understand.

Would she be OK with something like that? Its honest, but kind, iyswim?

One of you can say you are going on holiday to X and be very open about it. The other one can book it as a last minute thing, cheap flights, unexpected time off work, kids wanted to go together etc. And don't say until after the trip, if at all?

Don't think you can completely lie though.