Mumsnet Talk

Mine did and he did not love me at all. He called me names, humiliated and belittled me infront of others. It was relentless.

I hope I am not alone in this

No sole, not alone at all. Sorry to hear you were bullied, no child should be terrorised, it was wrong that it happened, and his fault not yours.

Oh, that's awful. Did your Mum step in at all?

My Dad didn't so much bully/dislike me, as ignore me. Both he and my Mum had high profile careers which were much more important to them than I was. But on the plus side, my wonderful Grandma got to bring me up. And Dad got better as I got older.

Is there a reason it's on your mind now?

Well, he rarely ever talks to me. Maybe twice a year or so.. I don't know if he likes me or not and I doubt he does either as he doesn't know me enough.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood, sending you hugs xx

the demons the abuse creayed haunt me everyday. Sometimes it is all consuming as it has been the last few days. The legacy of my abuse has really damaged me thus limiting my happiness and socialbility.

I have had eighteen.monyhs of tgerapy.

I feel the.legacy of abuse is very poeerful but the last few weeks my internal cogs are adjusting for the better and pain oscreleasing very slowly. Mind seems a bit clearer.

demons are losing the battle to stay

Things are getting better in small ways.

That's good to hear Sole, the therapy is evidently helping some. I think it's good that you're thinking about stuff and processing it. Hopefully, you'll get to a place where you can see that, whatever happened with your Dad, the problem was his, not yours.

Do you have contact with him? Is he still a bully?

I agree with Farley, the problem was entirely your Dad's.

So sorry he's affected you like this...but well done for making a change.

I'm sure things will continue to get much better.

Sole, yes

The way my father treated me as a child still has repercussions for me over 40 years later. Things are coming to a head at the moment because my mum needs me more due to ill health, and she stayed with him at the expense of her children

Tough times

You are not alone

Mum stepped in about twice. She is emotionally stunted where her children are concerned.

I had a lovely Auntie and she taught me so much tbrough her lovely caring treatment towards me. I no.longer see her gut if she wasn't around when I was a child I might not be here now. She was aware of how my Dad is but not really the full extent. Forever I will be eternally grateful to her.

I cut my parents out of my life in 2005.
He will never change without professional help mayaswell

Thank you Worra

Sorry for typos

Sigh AF gosh must be really really painful. To know our Mothers put their husbabds first over their child's emotional and mebtal wellbeing.
Are you a bit.more protective of your own children's mental and emotional wellbeing AnyFucker?

I know you are married. How I will ever let a man really get to.know me so.i can enjoy a happy relationship/marriage I do.not know. It feels too scarey.

Sole, I try to be protective of my dc's emotional well being. I am not sure I am any more effective at that than anyone else. I certainly make sure I never mirror any of my father's behaviour.

Sole, I am very very lucky with my H. But I sure kissed a lot of fucking frogs before I met him. Most of the bad treatment I ever tolerated from men comes courtesy of Daddy Dearest.

"Things are getting better in small ways"

That's wonderful to hear. And things will keep getting better.

I was very lucky with my parents, but my DH wasn't. He still struggles today, but in a way it's made him the wonderful dad he is today.

Where I've used my parents as a guide for what I want to do. He's used his dad as a guide for what he doesn't want for our DS. So good can come of it, hard as it may seem.

I had an extremely difficult relationship with my dad from when I hit puberty. This was also when he started having affairs and ramped up the emotional abuse of my DM too.
I don't remember him doing anything with me at any point during childhood. I felt I was just an inconvenience. He locked my mum in the house on the day I was having a big operation and I went to theatre alone and scared, aged 6. He claimed it was accidental.
During numerous hospital stays he never visited once as he hated hospitals.
The relationship took a further dive when I caught him at it with his OW. I told my DM. She found the courage to leave, whilst undergoing chemotherapy. He blamed me for the break up and managed to turn most of his side of the family against me.
Ill always remember him turning up on my birthday to collect my much younger and more impressionable DSis. He never even acknowledge my presence let alone wish me a happy birthday.
Things improved a little when I got older. I could at least hold a conversation with him. It was never a loving relationship where I knew I could count on him.
He then got cancer. He bought properties, leaving as little moveable estate as possible. He wrote his will so that my Dsis and i couldn't contest it but left most of his assets to my aunt.
He had organised his own funeral - leaving us out of his self-written eulogy. According to that his 20's 30's and 40's had been a miserable time (when we were born) and nothing good came of them.
The funeral was like a bloody soap opera/horrible nightmare. Poor DSis was only 13 at the time.
I have been left with lots of unanswered questions. There is no point dwelling on it and I'm just thankful to my darling mother and fabulous maternal grandparents for giving me a great childhood.

I am proud of myself in that I have given my Son so.much love, care and confidence. I praise and value him as a person and notice him.

My therapist says I.made the decision to give my.own children the opposite of what I experienced myself at a very young age.

was it similiar for you AnyFucker?

My Dad was awful to me at times. I'm sure he didn't like me, and he clearly favoured my brother.

I think about this often actually. It's been almost 8 years since my dad died, and I've always wondered what it would have been like to have had a dad I got on with, who loved me.

I get really jealous when I see other women getting on with their fathers, especially when their dads obviously love them and are proud of them.

I was nothing but a source of disappointment to mine

MOG your post is why I have very little tolerance for when people make excuses for people who treat people badly "because they had a bad upbringing"

I don't agree that perpetuating the cycle is inevitable, and simply gives abusers a get out clause

Not good

I might be wrong AF but I think MOG was saying the exact opposite?

I try to, sole

I am not always successful in every small way. I lose my temper occasionally and snap like all parents do. But my children are secure, and feel safe. they behave badly sometimes because they know they will still be loved even if they do. That is all we can guarantee, sometimes.

Sustained emotional abuse is another thing altogether.

I know, worra, I was agreeing with MOG, and continuing in the same vein, IYSWIM

I agree AF

I can see why it could make it harder to break the cycle, but people can (and should) make the effort.

Oh right gotcha! Sorry AF.

Yes some people do 'use' their upbringing to excuse their own abusive behaviour.

But actually (and this thought has just come to me this second) that is where the internet and forums are fucking brilliant.

Unlike days gone by, people can now instantly speak to people/read about the damage poor upbringings can and do cause, and not only can they identify with others who have had the same abuse, but hopefully there'll be a whole load of people who read and recognise themselves as abusers.

Whereas they might have considered their behaviour somewhat 'normal' otherwise...due to the way they've been raised.

My therapist said his abuse was deliberate and served to make him feel beter about himself. We rarely ever had a conversatiom, probably two and that was controlled by him but just for a few seconds I felt he was a lovely bit very damaged amd hurt individual.

His loss he missed out on a lovely Daughter.

Did you and your Fad have chats AnyFucker?

I did not know my Fathet even though he was always there. I used to wish my parents would split up just so.i could run awsy from the abuse.

Sole it's good to hear things are getting better. I know full well the impact of a terrible childhood, but for me dad was what kept me alive.