Mumsnet Talk

Send a letter with love and offer to help, babysit, feed people whatever. Grief makes you very very tired.

My aunt (mums sister) died recently and her friends sent her flowers she really appreciated the thought

I sent them from an online flower site they were in a vase I do think it is nice for the person to know people are thinkingabout them

Oh yes what rock said. I sent some that came ready arranged in a vase. He didn't have time to be faffing about with arranging (or the inclination).

yes and what ragwort said My friends dad died recently i sent flowers

I sent flowers to a (single male) friend of mine recently when his mother died. I didn't send sombre things, more colourful and fragrant. He really did appreciate it.

I also sent a card and just wrote a few lines about the one brief time I met his mum and the lovely impression she gave.

My SIL sent me some flowers when a very close relative died very suddenly - it touched me more than I could express. They were different from funeral flowers because they were for me, all the flowers at the funeral were on my relatives coffin. One thing I would say is unless you know she likes arranging flowers, send 'hand tied' in water or an arrangement, I love having flowers but hate with a passion having to faff around, cut stems, find a vase etc.

For condolence cards I general go for something along the lines of: I know there isn't really anything that anyone can say to you that can truly help you through, but please know that we're all thinking of you, here to support you etc. Then if I knew the person as well I generally stick in a couple of lines about how much we liked them, a nice memory etc. For me condolence cards are very much about 'the thought that counts' and showing the bereaved person that you're thinking of them; I've sent cards a couple of times to people who have been bereaved when I didn't know the person who'd died - to me that doesn't matter, the card is as much about supporting the person as remembering the ceceased.

I got sent lots of flowers when my DM died, from friends and family who were too far away to visit. It was really really lovely at a very raw time.

My workmates sent me flowers when my Dad died and I appreciated it enormously. My sisters-in-law, however, didn't send cards or even pass on condolences through my MIL, and I will not forget this in a hurry.

The wording doesn't matter so much; I found that the thought that went into sending me a card was enough. But the suggestions above sound lovely.

Sent my (almost- at the time) SIL flowers when her dad died. I'd met him a few times (she is my bil's wife) and was a great guy, I made some reference in the card to his humour, wit and caring nature. It was hard for her, it was just a couple of months before their wedding.

I think that flowers get sent to a funeral, but it's nice for the close bereaved family to know people care about them too!

If she likes flowers, i think it would be a lovely gesture and one I would of appreciated when my mum died. Just knowing that people are thinking about you means the world ime

I often send flowers or something as it is always lovely to be thought of and to have something visible as a reminder of someone's care and love.

I think its nice to send flowers immediately, at the funeral there are usually lots of flowers which stay with the body but this would be a gesture for you SIL directly, flowers for her to cheer her up. I think its a really nice idea. So many people do or say nothing as they don't know what to do.

Now feeling guilty as I don't think I even sent my SIL a card when her mother died .

Send her the flowers! And then some more for the funeral if you wish. There is nothing wrong with letting someone who you know is going through a hard time know that you're thinking of them.

Oh don't worry podgy, I am sure you couldn't upset her further! She will appreciate that you are thinking of her, however you express it. Certainly send a card. How about some flowers in about a month's time, after the funeral, when she will still be feeling low and that everyone has forgotten all about it?

Flouncing that was what I thought about them normally just being for the funeral. He only died today and just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her - don't want to upset her further though.

I don't think flowers are usually sent to the bereaved, unless she specially likes them and you feel they would bring some cheer. But they are usually a part of the funeral itself.

Did you know her father? If so, if you could write a few nice lines about him in the card, some little personal memory, then that would be lovely.

When my dad died one of my step-mother's favourite bereavement cards came from an elderly lady who my dad had done some odd jobs for. It just said "Oh Jane, I'm gutted!"

Words I use are:

so very sorry to hear your sad news, my thoughts* are with you

*add 'and prayers' if appropriate.

You can if you want, is a lovely gesture.

That's about it! Also if anyone is good with words to write in the card I would be grateful.