Mumsnet Talk

Name changed for this, but am a very long-standing MNer - Moldies, pom bears, biscuits, bumsex, etc. Putting this in Chat, not Relationships, as want this to disappear...

Am in shock! While checking my dh's emails for work purposes (we run a business together), I've just come across an email exchange between him and his last serious ex-gf before we met over 10 years ago. It looks as if he contacted her back in 2011, they had a very friendly catch-up email chat back and forth, and then he sent her a photo of himself to show how he now looks! She didn't appear to send one back, although she said she doesn't have children, and didn't mention a partner/husband either.

Roll on to 2013, and he has just contacted her again (on same email thread, so possibly not had contact since 2011), saying he's going to be in his hometown (where she still lives) soon "without the family", and could they meet up for lunch? She's agreed, and they've set a date for a few weeks time.

Now, if he had been open with me, and told me about all this, then I would be less suspicious, but the fact he hasn't mentioned any of this whatsoever to me is really concerning me. Plus, from the email thread, it is clear that he made the move to contact her initially, he decided to send her a photo of himself unasked, and he has asked to meet her. It looks to me as if he therefore wants something to happen between them.

Am I over-reacting? What do you think? What should I do?

I'd move heaven and earth to arrive at their date about 45 minutes in.

With the kids and his parents

I'd turn up at the meeting and asking him WTF he thinks he's doing, but I can see that might not be everyone's idea of the best approach. It does sound like he is doing all the running.

I would confront him plain and simple. Ask him what he's up to. My DH is still friends with several of his exes, I am friends with some, others I don't know but he still mentions if they've been in touch. It's the secrecy that bothers me.

No, you are not over-reacting.

It could however be a totally innocuous meet up. The problem is not that he is having a reunion, it is the secrecy and deception. Be aware of the possibility that if he is keeping one secret he could be keeping more.

The question now is whether and how you tackle him about this.

What is communication between you like generally?

Are you going to raise this with him ?

Don't take any shit from him about "snooping". Your "snooping" may just have saved his marriage.

I would demand full disclosure about any and all contact they have had.

If that is not forthcoming, you don't trust what he says or any blame for his deceit is sent your way....he would be out on his arse.

The problem with asking him though is that if he has got sinister motives he may start hiding them in secret email account etc. Be very careful how you approach this, you need to nip it in the bud not drive it underground.

X-posts with AF

I don't like the sound of "without the fmily". He's making it very clear that he wants something to happen IMO.

if it is "driven underground" that would be the fault of the deceiver, not the deceived

and hence...marriage over

Was he going to be in his hometown anyway or is he making a special trip?

Sounds like he has been thinking about her a lot. He could be just feeling nostalgic about the past or he could be hoping to pick up where they left off.

Either way he is being an underhand fucker

Turn up.

It'll tell you everything. Asking him will probably result in lies and as many half-truths as he can get away with.

Let's face it, there are very few innocent reasons for both contacting her, sending unsolicited photographs, arranging dates AND keeping it all from you, is there?

And specifying he'll be "without the family" is very telling too.

Offer to go on the trip with him?? See if he starts to squirm.

Print out the emails and present them to him with a 'Care to explain?'.
Don't let him have time to think first.

Can you not suddenly announce you want to go with him on the trip? See his reaction.

I often go with DH on business trips if I get chance. He goes to his meetings and a browse shops etc.

Just ask him casually if he's going anywhere nice with work over the (time frame) then say.... 'oooh Manchester (or whichever town it is), I'd love to come along for the ride and go round the shops'.

I don't care about exes,but I do care about lying. I would say something vague like 'so when you are working back in your home town do you have any plans?' He may say 'oh yeah, I forgot to say I'm catching up with x for lunch' in which case I wouldn't worry. If he lied I would regroup and decide whether to gather more evidence or confront him.

Surely he knows you read his emails if it's for work?

^^ What they all replied. Distinctly dodgy and no I wouldn't blush for having found out. Sorry OP I'd be very unhappy about this and the thought of it would drive me nuts tbh. I couldn't wait that far ahead to shadow him and pounce - nor even wait until the week before the big meet up and contrive some reason to prevent him going.

I'm sure you'll figure out what to do, in the meantime watch him like a hawk - try not to be obvious but look for him being extra genial, paying more attention to personal grooming etc, helpful even - all round good guy Dad-of-the-year stuff. Keep track of any phone-stuck-to-person stuff, and any odd outgoings on your family credit cards.

Hmm. If it was me I'd be fuming amd confront him as soon as he got home, but then he'd probably just get very defensive and very good at hiding his emails in future.

I would say print them off, so you have proof in case he deletes them, then carry on "snooping" and see if and how she replies. I would be tempted to turn up at their meeting myself, but I don't really know what I'd say if I did!

Either way, it's not on.

What Betty and Nightsky said.

Wherever his 'hometown' is, tell him you've heard there's a really good new restaurant/bar/whatever there and you'd love to go - so is he planning on going there any time soon?...

But it doesn't sound good TBH . The 'without the family' comment speaks volumes.

DON'T TURN UP....that's very bad advice.

You'll look like some bunny boiler loon and he'll end up looking like the poor sap stuck with a mad wife.

Yes, I second not turning up. If you confront him, do it privately. It doesn't sound like the ex has done anything wrong and you will look mad.

I agree - it's not the woman you need to confront, it's your H.

Sounds dodgy.

This is what I would do if it were me:

I would follow him to the lunch but I wouldn't make myself known - I'd watch and wait from a distance to see how it pans out. It may be perfectly harmless, for old times' sake, etc. I completely believe that he should have told me first, but I am also a realist, so completely understand why he might feel awkward doing so, even if his intentions were innocent.

If it's one harmless lunch with a peck on the cheek at the end, I'd let it go, but I'd remain super-vigilant and keep a close eye on any further emails/texts, and if any move was made to see her soon afterwards I'd be on it like a ton of bricks.

I would keep an eye on the email for now.Closer to the time, when it's clear he has no intention of telling you, he needs to be given its printed out version.

Give him no forewarning,and watching him will tell you all you need to know.