Mumsnet Talk

Seriously - its doing my head in, i've had it for years and it prevented me from getting work for a long time (people my well remember my self pitying threads).

Ive been on ADs (not taken them for a few years now) and had counselling (ok ish) and CBT ( a load of toffee). CBT was the recent thing - i gave it up because i just couldnt engage with it and then miracle of miracles, I GOT A JOB This was good - but i think my anxiety is going to cost me the job actually.

I am so crippled by self doubt that i am constantly flapping and worrying, its a high stress job but other people manage (so my manager delights in telling me). There are genuine issues because i am not getting enough support and training (college lecturer, no experience, in at deep end teaching A levels and co-ordinating controlled assesments). It got to the point where i gave in and went above my line managers head to ask for support and the upshot is that my line manager wants to reduce my hours to basically one session a week (no good to me) This was not what i wanted, i just wanted someone in authority to tell me I had organised things properly, it turned out that i had and its all going well, but now because of my general stress-pig demeanour I am sure they think i can't cope

Part of me is so proud of myself, i have done it, things are organised and will go ok (they will!!) the other is so bloody angry with myself because now i have asked for help they clearly think im not up tot he bloody job an i will lose it - and i KNOW i can do it but my anxiety has got the better of me again

I am constantly in a state of heightened anxiety, whether its about work or home stuff that is way beyond the hassles i have (everyone has hassles i have no more no less than others im sure) but i just feel as if life is such a struggle and i just want to sleep, well, forever really

I am going to have to go back onto ADs aren't i? I feel such a failure but i know that it is not normal to feel close to blind panic doing the weekly shop. I am surprised that people couldnt hear my heart banging away in my chest walking around tesco.

Why wont the anxiety just fuck off? I know i'm a capable person, things are actually better than they have been for a long time (although the money situation could be better as DPs work going through a dry patch) So why do i feel as if im on constant alert for disaster??

I didnt tell my employers about my anxiety and dont feel as if i can because i know they will use it as an excuse to get rid of me - what a fuck up

It's not a failure to use a medication to help you.
Ds2 gets incredibly anxious. He is so much happier, his life is so much more positive when he as his ADs - he is not a failure for needing them.

I understand your frustration but you are not less you because these things help you. You are doing pretty bloody brilliantly. Your self awareness and your willingness to do what needs to be done is very brave IMHO.

Wow sorry to hear about your anxiety. I'm afraid I don't have much advice, but just wanted to reply. I've suffered from much milder anxiety myself - work meetings, driving, hospitals - but have never seen a doctor about it. I notice that mine comes in waves for a while, then eases off. Maybe you're having a bad time but it'll improve if you keep making yourself do the anxiety inducing things.

I don't know your reasons for not wanting to take ads but if they'd help you get thorough this patch at work then maybe you should take them again?

Anyway, I really hope you get better advice from someone else and it improves soon.

Oh god, you are me, we even have similar backstories (from your op, am not a stalker) except rather than getting a job, I started a degree last October and it is all falling down around my ears.

Last week I sobbed in Sainsbos trying to buy ingredients and decorations for dds birthday cake, twat.

It is so fuck bastard shitty, I just want to have less anxiety, I have total sympathy, but no wise words I'm sfraid, I feel like I have been stuck in this spiral forever and there is no way out.

Thanks for the replies - I am not necessarily worried about the ADs in terms of stigma etc but I am worried about side effects, my DP says i was pretty zombiefied and didnt give a shite about anything when i was on citalopram (40mg). He doesn't want me to have them again, he is worried for me but i know that i need them really because my nerves are shattered. Will make an appointment and talk to the doctor and see if there is a less sedating medication for me to take.

Gobblers - what degree are you studying? I think everyone who does a degree feels that way to be honest - i know i did and i think i was "leaving" pretty much up to my final exams - i did ok Have you got some strategies in place to help you cope - pm me if you need any advice (my background is in science).

Oh you poor thing. 40mg is quite a lot, I'm not surprised you felt zombie like. It is good for panic disorders thoUgh, is there any reason you're on such a high dose?
DH is like this, he's lost a number of jobs because he's unable to perform. I just don't know what to do.

Im not on meds anymore Serenity - i think it was about 3 years ago i stopped taking them. I stopped against medical advice though so i am now thinking that i stopped them too soon.

Is your DH on any meds? It is very frustrating for partners i know, it has damaged my relationship with DP considerably because he just does not know what to do to help me. Before i "got sick" he would be mortified if i cried about something (i was always a bit of a hard faced mare) and now i will blub at the drop of a hat and he will just be indifferent to it, he doesn't know how to cope.

I am really worried that i am going to lose this job, its so unfair because i know it is a) my anxiety and b) my manager and the general management at my place of work are not supportive in any way. The trouble is, i dont know what else to do.

Oh Lucy, you sound so stressed, poor you. I think if 40mg of citalopram was zombiefying you, then it's not the ad for you. 40mg isn't that high a dose so perhaps a different medication will suit you better. It's so worth making a doc appointment and talking through the options.

You have to give yourself credit where it's due - despite suffering from this crippling anxiety, you've actually managed to live your life and land yourself what sounds like a good job - can't imagine anyone would have entrusted you with that job if they hadn't felt you were capable. Can you talk to both your line manager and the manager above to explain why you said what you did? Don't necessarily emphasise the extent of your anxiety, just say something along the lines of, since you haven't worked in the field for a while, you were just after extra reassurance, but having had half term to reflect, you now feel you have a good hold on things etc etc.

I would try a smaller dose of citalopram if I were you, I think I was on 20mg the last time I had it and it was great.

My Mum once said to me that asking for help is a sign of strength (this was right after I had my second C-section and DS2 was gravely ill and I was still insisting I could do everything) and I think she's right. It also shows that you care about your job and want to do your best. It sounds like your line manager is being a cock.

yes badgers, she is But to be fair, she is stressed out beyond belief too so just doesn't have time to pander to my needs for reassurance. I just need to learn to get on with it. I am just so scared of screwing up though, my DP said i should learn to care less but how can i, people are relying on me to help them through their exams. .

DS1 is like this and it just causes shut down. I am beginning to wonder whether he needs mediction. Panic is horrible and makes you have such physical sid effects. You are in a different place now to when you were first on AD so the dose won't need to be so much, perhaps just something to take the edge off.

Will ask for an alternative AD, i was given citalopram for anxiety and PND, i am not depressed now (despite being in tears at least once a day) its just the anxiety and i think there are other SSRIs that would suit me better.

I'm so grateful for this thread today (and I hope you don't mind me jumping in Lucy)

I am definitely not depressed, because I have been before and I don't feel like that, but my anxiety is getting out of control. I feel panic and stressed and I'm having what I can only describe as catastrophic thinking - expecting the worst all the time.l. I feel completly unsafe.

I've even fallen out with DH now because of a stag night he is going on in four months time, someone has dropped out and while I really like teh guy who's taken his place, he's daft as a brush and I've convinced myself him and DH are going to get into some type of trouble and be away abroad and it'll be awful.

I had taken months to get myself calm about him going with the people he is, who are all lovely and gentle, and I was actually just starting to look forward to a few days peace when this happened.

That's just one example - but it's worth going to the doctors then? There are meds that might help?

I was thinking of starting a thread today called "lost - one grip - please return"

Lucyellensmum95, performing arts for my sins On stage! I mut be mental (well I am) I know what you mean, and degrees are stressful, but I meant more in common than that, 16 years now of severe GAD and Health Anxiety, on and off depression, meds, psychotherapy, eating disordered, hospitalization, CBT, recently ACT (quite good actually).

I don't do well on citalopram, felt terrible on even 20mg. Zispin suits me but makes me put on a load of weight, at the moment I am torn between vanity and sanity and the fact that vanity is winning makes me think I am not quite bad enough to need meds, but it is a real struggle to keep my head above water.

rhondajean have you been on meds before? How long have you been feeling this anxious?

Back when I was about twenty I was on seroxat for about two years, I don't feel like I did then. I don't know how long it's been going on - I'm ok as long as nothing happens to rock the Apple cart as it were, when something I don't expect or can't handle comes up I fall to pieces and I can get like this just thinking about to do lists for work. The worst (most irrational ) was a few weeks back, I waited in the car while DH went into the shop and he was gone all of five minutes, I had worked myself to a near frenzy imagining what awful things could have happened while he was out of eyesight.

You sound just like me - i can certainly make a drama out of a crisis or a crisis out of a drama? Which is worse?? I can make a crisis over spilling the milk!

Yes, medication can work but they have to be the right ones, hence my reticence. Im sick sick sick of feeling like this - i just want to stop worrying. Before i had a job it was "if only I had a job everything will be ok" well now i have a job and its not, in fact, its almost worse

Yep that's it. It'd a feeling that nothing is safe - I almost don't trust anyone either.

I dunno what to do horrible isn't it?

I think your first step rhonda is to visit your GP, explain how you feel and explore the options - i will if you will? I am going to try for an appointment on tuesday (working tomorrow)

oh and even when things are going well - i wont allow myself to be happy - in case i jinx it! I mean, really???

It's particularly bad this week because I have pms too. Ok I'll go for it / it might be a bit before I can get an appointment because I need to get one that fits round work too but I will phone this week.

Deal?

Deal I have just had a chat to DP about it, he is worried bless him but i think he sees how much this is blighting things both for me and him!

I'm much better in writing. I crumble at the thought of the telephone but can normally cope in person (if I know the person or there's no one else listening. or I blurt uncontrollably)

in writing I am awesome. I can put what I mean and get to amend it as I go along.

have you tried that with your line manager? type out reports for everything you've done to prove that you know what you're doing and it's going well.

they really should be giving you feedback.

I'd at least make an appointment with the GP. When I had doubts as to whether medicating was the right path or not, mine referred me to the Community Mental Health Nurse for a chat. It turned out that I was right; he didn't think medicating would suit me either (the thought of taking the medication made me highly anxious in itself)! I tried CBT and that time really clicked with the therapist. IMO, the therapist themselves is hugely important as to whether the treatment is effective or not.

As for work, I'm sure they've noticed far less about your anxious state than you think they have, especially as things are going well there and what you are producing has been good. Well done for getting your job and for doing so well at it!

Oh Lucy, I know exactly how you feel.

I also didn't engage with CBT and hated being on citalopram. I hesitate to say 'what worked for me', because I'm still very much in anxiety's clutches, though much, much less than I used to be. One suggestion, though: you say you didn't engage very much with counselling or CBT. I had the same experience, and I found that a year of proper psychotherapy helped a lot more. This can be expensive, though I think NHS referrals are often possible (with a waiting list) if you ask directly and tell your GP you've not had any success with meds, CBT etc.

I saw my psychotherapist twice a week. It was the only way I really felt like I could engage with the anxiety properly, discussing my problems with someone who would just listen and allow me to go through it all, rather than with someone who would try to 'counsel' or 'advise' or 'suggest exercises', which really don't work for everyone. I just needed someone who could regularly bear the burden of all my anxiety, who would take whatever terrible things I said about myself and the world without getting upset, and who wasn't somebody I loved or who would leave. It made me a lot calmer just knowing that this person (the therapist) was there and that was a safe place where my anxiety could go and have our full attention, so it wasn't seeping out into the rest of my life as much.

It may not work for you. But it could be worth a try?

Incidentally if your employers did get rid of you because you have anxiety then I reckon you could probably sue the pants off them. It's mental health discrimination.

I quite want to buy this t shirt: https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FYSbyNqws3g/UPmkxZ8AjNI/AAAAAAAAAeM/Grfi2Erg3LA/s640/blogger-image--1873194836.jpg Because, you know, it's not easy.

Hope things get better for you soon.