Mumsnet Talk

so this has come a bit out of the blue but instead of feeling adamant I'm not doing it I actually feel like it could be a good thing.
Bit of background,me and dp work full time,long commutes,limited family time,twins that are 3.
He has looked at finances and says we wouldn't be much worse off as we would reduce our outgoings considerably including our second car,tube and parking for me.
He thinks the quality time and having a parent at home will be better than more material things and fancy holidays etc.
Having always hated the thought of staying at home I'm really thinking he has a valid point and I must say I'm struggling at the moment leaving my dcs even though my nanny is amazing.my daughter often wakes up asking for me and sometimes cries for me when I'm at work.
My son was unwell today but because I had a meeting I couldn't stay off with him.i drove to the tube in tears.
There is no pressure from him so ultimately the decision is mine,but I'd love to hear your opinions whatever they are!

Why don't you both work part-time instead.

this or

Would he consider staying at home while you worked?

If you've always hated the thought of being a SAHM, i think you might start to get fed up quickly and possibly regret the decision to pack in work.

Agree. Don't fall into the trap of sacrificing yourself for your DH's career.

You're both parents, you both have responsibilities.

Why don't you both go down to 80%?

durrr, the positives are seeing your children grow up and spending their toddler years with thm

but if you cant see that and have to ask a load of strangers on the net perhaps the kids would be better off with the nanny

What everyone else said.

Did he even consider the idea that he should give up work?

I always enjoyed working and would miss it. I've recently come to the point though where I feel it would be a great idea to spend more time at home. Unfortunately DS is now 18 so I can't really justify it anymore! Do what you think is best for your family now.I deliberated for far too long.

The positives for me are- the house runs smoothly (or rather, more smoothly than if I were working in my more than FT previous job), it's less stressful for us all, the children being ill is never an issue, ditto Inset or strike or snow days, I can get to all assemblies, nativities, concerts etc, I volunteer in school regularly and can help out whenever needed, the children can do the after school activities they want to. I love that I am always there for them.

But, it has to be your decision. it's a big decision to lose your financial independence. I am fully involved in our household finances, in fact I probably know them better than my H so I don't feel vulnerable in that sense, but I have a nagging concern about my lack of a decent pension. And there's no doubt that I would be in the shit if he upped and left me until our finances were unravelled. But I know better divorce lawyers than him!

Also, I didn't love my job and wanted to be at home with the children (even thou some days it drives me bonkers). I'd think long and hard about it if you have a job you love or career it would be difficult to return to.

As a sahm (through circumstance not necessarily choice) a real positive for me earlier this week was when dh got up this week and ds ran through for an extra snooze in my bed. Other positives, I know these early years will be gone in the blink of an eye and I am so lucky to be able to spend so much time with DS, all too soon he will want to be with this friends not "bigger bottom" as he affectionally (?) calls me....

p.s its not even big!!!!

Are your children starting school this September or next? I agree with trying to both go part time, or seeing how your husband would feel about being a sahp. Or, could one of you take a years sabatical till the children start school, then think again?

I am a sahm and I love it. Time with the dc, doing lots with them, building our relationship etc etc. it helps that dh is totally behind it and doesn't mind money spent on days out, coffees and lunches...

Plus you get to teach the dc how to behave nicely, and I have met lots of amazing sahm who are consulting round kids, planning to go back and not working, ex lawyers, ex everything really. I found an interest in art I didn't know I had through my ds and we haunt various galleries

Its not a project though, it's supposed to be fun - you have to find a way to validate yourself. Calming a hysterical toddler so they don't roll about on the floor is a wonderful achievement. No one will notice though, and there is no promotion involved

I did a degree in the evenings. And learnt a language. It's really nice to be with the dc, just the small things. I know I am lucky, to enjoy it and be able to afford to do it. But when they both go to school - well, I'd like to do something, but it won't be what I did before. The corporate world holds no attraction anymore!

Okay, so you had an upsetting morning, but do you really want to give up work? I ask because you've got through one of the hardest bits, which is the transition to being a working mum. Many (most?) working women don't contribute much to the family purse until their DC start school, but by working those years they keep their hand in and have their career ready and waiting for when those DC start school and start costing less. Two lots of nanny/nursery/whatever fees is a lot, but your DTs are three. Are you planning on having more DC? Do you like your job? Is your career something you get satisfaction from?

I'm a SAHM and mostly I love it, but I have no career to go back to. I worked for 12 years and I have very little to show for it, having now been out of work for five years. I wouldn't step off that career ladder lightly if I had my time again.

It's not to sacrifice for his career,he absolutely supports me.He knows I'm not happy and I feel constantly exhausted,my life is just work,commuting and childcare and I'm beat.
His suggestion is more about the twins development,having a parent there after school which he never had.
There unfortunately is no option for either of us to go part time,it isn't an option in our jobs.
We do both have equal responsibility for childcare,we share it equally and the housework is also equally split,I have nothing to complain about,he is an amazing father who loves his family.

I am a bit alarmed at the "quality time, less material things, fancy holidays" cliches". Is he a journalist.?

Another positive- school holidays are so easy (well, in the sense you don't need complicated childcare which can be hard to find). Hard in the sense you have to look after the children yourself!

And again, did he consider staying home himself?

What is your career? Could you easily go back to it?

I have been a SAHM for 12 years , my DS is now at secondary school - I thoroughly enjoy it, our lifestyle is comfortable, we have one joint bank account, (I don't have to 'ask' for money ), I do plenty of voluntary work which I really, really enjoy.

HOWEVER, I am well aware that in my early 50s my chance of returning to anything like the previous career I had are practically non existant; I have two close friends whose marriages broke up when they were 50 and they are both in very difficult situations - so just be careful about what you decide to do

I'm a SAHM and I love it, so I am coming from that angle.

I think any woman who is a SAHM without being married is a fool. You have no legal protection if your DP ups and leaves.

So some questions.

Could you take a sabbatical from work first to see how you get on?
If you were a SAHM for a year and hated it, how easy would it be to go back into your current industry?
Would he be happy to give up work and be financially dependant on you?
What is the situation with your finances, house ownership and so on?
With what you would have to live on, will there be enough to keep paying into your pension as well as his (because you have no legal right to his because you aren't married)?

I would go part time. I have been a SAHM for years (carer etc) and enjoyed it but found it hard to get work after such a long time out. Keep your hand in.

ssd - have a why don't you!

I did the SAHM thing, for lots of reasons and my DP is still adamant that i did the right thing (it wasn't his choice actually) but i am not so sure. My career is buggered although i do now have a job, its not easy and we struggled financially.

Lots to consider
Is your career something you can take a break from? Go part-time? Or not possible? I think that i would struggle to go to work if i wasn't financially much better off to be honest - with twins i guess you have double barrel childcare.

There ARE so many many many positives to being a SAHM, its great, but do be aware that you will drop down the career ladder when you return to work. But that could be seen as a positive too - a time to retrain? So could you study while you are SAHM?

Difficult decision - i think your DH has a point, however it is YOUR life.

One thing - whatever you choose, your children will be fine - SAHM they benefit from mum at home. WOHM they benefit from good childcare, nursery, etc etc.

Good luck xx

Depends how long for. And whether you could get back to work if you needed, or whether there is something else you would like to do later. Or can you reinvent your job and work freelance part time?

What if your DH was made redundant? At least having two jobs you spread the risk.

Can you move and reduce your commute?

What's your long term plan?

ssd-what a nasty fucking post,how dare you suggest my children are better off with a nanny.
I'm asking because I want the best for everyone,and I want opinions based on experience.
Clearly I wouldn't take advice from someone as rude as yourself

Could you work p/t?

I've been a SAHM for a decade and love it BUT I didn't particularly like my work so don't feel I have missed out. I would worry as you say you hate the idea of staying at home, that would ring alarm bells and think you should go with your instinct not to give up everything because you feel you ought to.

I have loved being (mostly) at SAHM while my lot were preschool but I think the biggest issue is how will you find it once your youngest is at school and will you be able to get back into the job market (and fitting round kids as you want) at that point.