Mumsnet Talk

Yes some people take that feeling of not wanting your child to suffer or feel any pain to the extreme. A lot of these people haven't necessarily had shitty childhoods but complicated ones. Maybe where they didn't feel secure or felt their parents acted harshly or maybe said things and took as a sign of lack of love whether it was or not.

Was having discussion with friend of mine. She was quite shocked how I was disciplined as a child (typical 70s parenting, was smacked every now and again, nothing noteworthy) as I adore my parents, i explained this was because it all happened in the context of a very secure loving home. She was never really disciplined but also never really shown love. I don't think her children are spoilt as her DH is a balancing force but she struggles with finding the equilibrium of being able to say yes and no.

That's sad slimshady. This family is not like that - the dd gets constant attention if she wants it. The mum revolves everything around her and won't commit to anything as she needs to wait and see how dd is feeling before they decide. My dcs are very important and I listen to them and what they want, but we have always made them aware they are part of a family whose needs are equally important as each other. Sometimes that means not getting to do what you want or even waiting for something you need - dd2 needs new trainers but we just had to pay for dd1's school trip so she will have to wait until we get paid. She will survive.

me and dh raisr our 3dds to want the best of everything in life and we provide it i see it as building there confidence and seld beliefe. i also hate them to not have what someone else does to i guess i am a competative parent. i was raised very spoiled and still am i often through a fit at not getting what i want but thats just me my dad raised me to believe there are two people in the world ones that work for everything and ones that its handed to and sail through life on there looks... he said i was the latter and between him and dh he was right.

I have a friend who kids have everything.Even if they don't want it and its considered the thing to have they get it.
It's wasted on me as I have little interest in what the thing may be.I don't know why but she often went without growing up and I often wonder if that's where it stems from.
We were talking about going away and she said that they are planning a trip and intend to get a loan so that she does not have to say no the children for anything they see or want.
Also her ,her child reads better,she considers her gifted,she is an amazing dancer/swimmer/climber fill in the blanks...her DD is pushed alot.She is a nice little girl who would be even nicer if she was just left be a bit.She is only 6.

I don't understand exactly what is wrong with saying no.

They think they are doing right by their kid, same as you do for yours. Leave them to it, keep your beak out, and parent your own child.

The saddest thing is that these spoilt children grow up into spoilt adults - reproduce, then continue the cycle...

Yup, I know a couple who have a daughter like this.

They do tread on eggshells around her and she definitely rules the roost. I think in their case it stems from the Mum wanting to be 'cool' and not authoritative. She seems to want to be her daughters "best buddy" and courts her favour by buying her stuff, letting her do what she likes and finding her naughty behaviours "funny". She doesn't want to be the baddie and upset her child.

The poor child doesn't know what boundaries are. She's confused when she finds other people (us) aren't prepared to let her get away with being demanding and obnoxious and she kicks off with horrendous tantrums if she's even looked at disapprovingly.

Fair enough, but the girl's behaviour is affecting others too - affecting me and her team mates when she doesn't turn up for matches. I had to get involved for that specific instance. If she won't commit I'll have to tell her she's in or out.

Last post was replying to Kobayashi.

I presume the friend is an only child?

It does sound like the parents are pretty OTT, but it's easier to view an only child as spoilt, partly because of people's preconceptions, and partly because any resources, be they material or in terms of time/attention, trend to get directed at that one child rather than bring divided between 2 or more children.

My DD & I are both onlies, and whilst I wouldn't consider either of us spoilt, we both are privileged in that we have things we wouldn't have if there were siblings on the scene.

No excuse for never saying 'no' or letting the child control the whole household though.

Sounds familiar Eskino. And not the kid's fault at all (suddenly got Verruca Salt poem in my head). Sometimes they need a decision to be made for them. dd's friend was supposed to come over the other day (to check out shoes dd has which she wants!) but the mum phoned me at the last minute to ask if dd could go there instead with the shoes as the friend didn't feel likecoming over at the moment. I said no, that's not possible. DD said her friend was in a mood with her about it the next day. In my opinion her mum should have told her "if you want to see the shoes, you'll have to go there" but she can't or won't.

Dumspiro there are much older half-siblings from previous marriages but essentially she's growing up as an only as the others don't live at home any more.

I am an only. You do get more choices, but in no way was I allowed to control my parents! <represses memories of trailing through war museums every holiday as that was my dad's obsession.>

Surely you have a policy for if a child misses a match? It doesn't need any angst about it. It's none of your business.

Just getting started and has been very informal but yes, if she continues to not turn up I will have to take her out of the team. That will go down well with her mum.

I have seen children spoiled in some respects as some sort of compensation from their parents for them being unable to provide something else.

I have seen working parents spoil their children materially because they are unable to spend more time with them, I have seen less well off parents spoil their children by letting them make choices which perhaps they shouldn't because they can't buy them x, y or z; and I have seen parents compensating for some deficit (real or perceived) in their own upbringing.

We are all human. Our experiences and circumstances influence our behaviour and priorities. None of us is perfect, or gets it right every time.

I know several families where the kids rule the roost. They are not expected to have good manners or tidy up after themselves and their parents never seem to say NO. I have often wondered why the parents let this happen, in some cases I think it is pure laziness, but in most other cases I think some parents want to think of their children as friends and they treat them as such.

Seems insane to me, but they genuinely seem to treat them as equals (in terms of decision making) and mates (demanding mates!). God only knows what the kids will be like when they grow up!

often there are reasons and who are we to judge.

I know two totally obnoxious spoilt children.

The first behaves nicely for the nanny but is a brat around his parents. His mum works long hours, and commutes, so in the little time she gets with her child she doesn't want to discipline him or set boundaries. He knows this and plays her for a fool. It's a shame, but she loves him, and feels guilty about the time she commits to work.

The second is a much wanted child, born after years and years of IVF and many many miscarriages. The mother spent nearly the entire pregnancy in hospital and nearly died after the delivery. She cannot have any more children, so not surprisingly she spoils the one she has.

DH was an only and very very spoiled (materially) he is a lovely adult but still insists on getting the best of everything whether his level of interest/needs demand it or not. eg. he decides he wants a bicycle to cycle to work (a mile away) so he goes and buys one for £1,500. The bike IS used - for 2 miles a day. We are really struggling in the recession and he is in his 40's so he has learned a bit but it is the one area in him that I find difficult to deal with. If he wants it, he gets it.

Seems insane to me too. And also makes it very difficult to spend time with what are otherwise very nice people. If we go to a cafe together, friend is ordering extra drinks and snacks without even asking first. The mum just pays for it all at the end. My dcs know I won't just order the same for them, but it does make for an unpleasant atmosphere. Then she wants my dd to sleepover (she doesn't like to go to others' houses, possibly because there are boundaries there?) but I have a 3 day rule for sleepovers and my dcs know that. Friend is looking at me with such a disbelieving face that I am not giving her what she wants. Such a shame as she is nice girl underneath all that.

TBH, I couldn't be friends or spend much time with a mum and child like that. Would just be too annoying. My child plays a sport with this other boy who is an only child. This child throws strops, can be incredibly rude, throws his racket around, shouts and swears etc, even in organised tournaments. His parents seem nice enough but they just look apologetic, shrug their shoulders and say 'what can you do?'. March on court and drag him home letting him forfeit the game is what you can do. Seen him actually shouting at his dad standing at the side of the court and his dad just placates him. He's 10 yrs old, not a toddler.

IME it is parents who work and so splash the cash on the kids when they see them. This is what I see at DS's school, not a generalisation on all working parents/mothers.

DS is a very innocent 7yo which is just as well as most of his friends have way more "stuff" than he does but it doesn't worry him.

Tbh I think this girl might be LESS spoilt if her mum was working. She would still get bought the masses of stuff but at least there would have to be some routine and structure in place and she would have to learn to fit around someone else at times rather than her mum being at her beck and call to do what she wants when she wants. It's all very odd and so obvious to everyone else. I've sat and watched her manipulate her mum so many times. A sudden tummy ache when about to do sport, so the mum lets her sit out even though she admitted to me she knew her dd was faking. So tell her to stop faking and join in! Argh!

Can we please stop emphasising the 'only child' thing? Of course some only children are spoilt. So are many children with siblings.

I know a family with three boys - those boys have everything - new trainers every week, bikes, scooters, motorbikes, quad bikes, new playstation games, designer clothes. They are always the first to have the latest new thing. The boys are really badly behaved as well, out of control really. The parents have normal jobs - I have no idea how they pay for all that!

I am an only child, so is my DH and my DM. None of us wanted to be only children, and it wasn't our parents' choice. I don't think any of us are spoilt.

It's much easier as a parent to encourage sharing when there's more than one child. I don't think anyone's slating singletons and their parents, just recognising that it's harder.

Sometimes a child is spoilt because one of the parents is afraid to say no to anything, in the mistaken belief that the child would no longer love them.