Mumsnet Talk

Been thinking about this a lot lately as we're having some problems with dd and one of her friends who I consider to be very spoilt. The friend is basically a nice kid who is bought anything she wants and is never told no or made to do anything she doesn't want to do. They are both 10.

Not huge problems between them, just things like dd complaining about how her friend has everything blah blah. I've made it quite clear to dd that I'm not interested in comparisons - she is the one I'm parenting, not her friend. But the girl is also alienating herself from the others now because of her spoilt behaviour, which is a shame.

What I'm getting at is - why do perfectly nice and intelligent parents let their child control the whole family in this way? I just can't get my head around it. They must be able to see that they are not doing her any favours. Even the other 10 year olds are commenting how self-centred this girl is and although it's awful for her and I obviously don't say any of this to my dd, they do have a point.

What do they think will happen if they stand up to their child?

I know a few people who let thier children run riot - they do say no occasionally but they are still brats.

I personally say I do not want my DC to hurt anyone in anyway - so everything follows on from that in how i dispilince.

Lots of reasons. Picking battles, insecurity, having enough money so that cost of something isn't a factor...
I hope my children aren't spoilt. However 2 of them have Beats headphones, so many would disagree!

i am told i spoil ds, because i buy things like dvds now and again as treats, go out in half term and buy clothes that arent necessarily needed. but i dont agree. these are things i do because i like to treat all three of them and i like to spend time doing fun things. we have had an awful few months, ds lost his nan recently and im aware i have spoilt him a lot more since then, am trying hard not too.

The friend is allowed to just do whatever she likes - go to bed when she wants, eat what and when she wants, and speak how she likes to her parents. It can be really quite shocking, and there's a sense of the parents treading on eggshells with their dd whenever we're with them. Sometimes it's awkward like when we're out together and the friend wants to buy ice cream right before dinner and I would usually say no to this but the friend's mum never would, so I then have to look like the bad guy.

I don't want to control my children but I couldn't stand them controlling me like that.

See I don't consider buying treats as spoiling in itself, it's more the way it's done. DD's friend will do things like go home from school and announce that she needs XYZ because someone else has XYZ and her mum will get on the computer and order for her right away.

I agree about the insecurity. It's just such a shame as the mum is lovely and I don't understand why she does this. I assume she must have some deep-rooted insecurities but plenty of people with issues don't spoil their kids.

And yes they have plenty of money.

Competitive parenting comes to mind. I know someone whose children must have the best of everything because "they deserve the best of everything as they are so special" blah blah blah! Thank God I cut contact as this family was quite toxic regarding this.

This extended to seeing themselves as better than everyone else etc so you're made to feel inadequate in all areas of your life stupid bitch

Ah i see, no i dont do that. infact it would make me not get it if i got she has one so i need one behaviours! but im a bugger for seeing something the kids will like and picking it up. i try to put it away for birthdays but it never happens. it is usually dvds or garden toys.
i can see why that kind of behaviour would be annoying. rudeness really bugs me and im the first to pull the dc up if they are cheeky or rude to any adult.

I know parents like this, they are building a rod for their own backs

We can afford things, so I suppose our children are materially quite well off. But in other ways we're very strict, and are currently quite unpopular with 11yo ds over no screens in bedrooms, and with 9yo dd2 over our decision that she can't have a mobile yet!

Our parenting mantras are "you can't buy love" and "different people get different treats at different times". So we're going to a wedding in a fortnight. Dd2 got a £30 dress from Next. Ds is wearing what he had for the last wedding, but after loads of looking and discussion, I've bought dd1 (13) a dress from Desigual that's more expensive than anything I've ever worn apart from my wedding dress and ball gown! And my docs! But she's very into design, it's important to her, she's had some bullying issues at school as she's the "quirky" one in her music/design/fashion sense (in a small school year of only 50 children, she sticks out).

So this time, she got the treat (and the pay off is I'm wearing an old, cheap dress from tesco!). Because she needed the boost, and it was affordable for us.

I think you can spoil children materially if theres no value attached (dd1 posted a picture of her dress, on fb, with the caption "I love my mummy so much!"), behaviourally if there are no consequences to their actions, but it is impossible to spoil a child with love.

I just can't see why they don't realise they are doing way more harm than good. Or maybe they do but feel powerless to change anything.

I run a sport club in my own time, I don't charge anything, and all the kids who come enjoy themselves a lot, including dd's friend (or she seems to). We have started playing informal matches against other teams so I've needed the kids to commit to coming to practices and matches. The friend has missed so many practices as if she doesn't feel like it she doesn't come, and no-one makes her. She's getting quite behind in ability compared with the others and I had to say to her mum that she needs to be in or out as I need to know I can rely on her. The mum made various excuses for why her dd hadn't been much.

It's a problem and I worry I'm spoiling my kids though they are lovely and relatively well behaved etc. they have so much compared to husband and i had in our childhoods and a completely different level of living. But if you can afford it and like to live well then that includes the kids. Very difficult to balance out.

I think there are two separate things going on here. Unfortunately (I guess) I have managed to spoil my DS in the sense that money is not an issue and we generally buy whatever we want and go on fancy holidays quite a lot. It is difficult to teach the value of money in these circumstances, and we love our children and want them to have nice things and be happy.
but my discipline has always been good; he is polite and well-mannered, has always had boundaries and rules that generally he follows.
The two are separate, at least for my family.

Weegiemum it sounds like you operate in a similar way to me.

Definitely more than just buying lots of material things. For me that's less of an issue than the lack of respect, constant demands for attention (a 10 year old who still "needs" her mum to help her shower), and lack of boundaries or reasonable expectations.

I know another family who have a grown up dd who still expects to live a life of luxury even though she doesn't earn much money. She doesn't have much incentive to change anything as mum and dad still pay her rent, holidays etc.

I would say it depends on the family. You could buy a child all the material items in the world but if you aren't interacting with them and spoiling them on an interpersonal level you might end up with a child who socially comes across less spoilt than a child who is lavished with constant attention and everything fitted around them but has fewer material items.

We do some of the things you've mentioned, I don't think my children are spoilt (although I guess I am biased), they all have lots of friends and yes they have their flaws but being spoilt and its associated behaviours haven't really come up.

My dc don't have bed times, not since they were very young anyway, DC5 is 6, I very occasionally tell her to go to bed if she is over tired but she pretty much goes to bed when she wants. I'm also not that fussed about what they eat, there is one family meal per day, if they don't want it or fancy something else they are more than welcome to help themselves. On the weekend they are allowed whatever and if this means ice cream for breakfast, pizza for lunch and chips for tea thats fine with me. Yes I buy them material items and I will try to make sure they have the 'cool' clothes or whatever. However I'm strict with discipline and I prioritise manners, proactivity and taking responsibility. Theres 5 of them so they rarely get to be number one and are used to a bit of give an take. Some people just don't care about bed times and 5 a day.

SashaSashays I think with 5dcs it would be very difficult for any child to control the family to any great extent. I couldn't live like you do though!

Different strokes for different folks yes I judge me for saying that too

It's the not being able to say no though if, for example, you didn't want them to eat ice cream for breakfast (not saying you can't say no, just using that as an example of something the friend's mum would do). I need to be able to say no to my dcs as well as yes.

I think in some cases, if a parent had a particularly shitty childhood, they may feel compelled to give the child things they have missed out on.

Really agree with weegiemum. It's not solely about what they get or how much it cost, it's abbout attitude, valuing things and appreciating what people do for you. I don't think my DC are spoilt, though we are affluent and can buy things - because we say no when necessary and explain why, and a treat is a treat, not just whatever you want, whenever you want it. Also the politeness thing is important - DC shouldn't get away with being rude and demanding, not saying thanks, etc.

I do know of parents who simply don't want to upset their DC, ever - they never want them to cry or feel deprived of anything. Result - they are spoilt, but with the best of intentions IYSWIM, if misguided IMO. I also know a properly, super-spoilt, entitled, rude madam aged 8. I think her parents have a lot of money and just can't be bothered to say no. They don't like her attitude but they don't seem to be able to maintain a consistent way of dealing with it - they just cave.

My DD (nearly 3) wanted ice cream for breakfast this morning (because she saw me open the freezer to get something else). We made light of it and made a jokey response "ICE CREAM??? for BREAKFAST!??? The very idea!!" and said she could have some after tea tonight. End of. She can strop and wail if she wants, or she can lump it. Luckily she lumped it and chose rice krispies - she's learning. (Gradually...!)

"No" doesn't have to mean doom and gloom and a bad atmosphere. I think some people are more scared of it than they need to be. If kids are used to it, and know you will be reasonable and treat them sometimes, they become more accepting I think.

What Kara said. My BIL and his wife bought their children a puppy for Christmas, to join the dog, cat, kittens and guinea pigs. They cannot afford another animal, but becuase SIL didn't have pets as a child she said yes every time they asked.

Yes, Ladybigtoes, they don't want to upset her. There was once a mix up over who was picking her dd up - it was sorted quickly and she was FINE - but the mum went on and on about it and how they must stop that ever happening again. So much guilt over so little.

I know someone like this. Her dc are 6 and 3. They have tv's and dvd players in their rooms, ipads, iPhones, yes even the youngest one for playing games on. They have every toy known to man. They have been to Lapland, Disneyland, etc.

But the parents spend hardly any time with them doing normal, family stuff. Both sets of grandparents reach and fetch and carry. The parents go out without then a lot and away for holidays without them. The dc are demanding, naughty and crave attention. Hardly surprising.

Quite depressing that these two fuckwits think that buying all these things make up for the love and attention their children are deprived of.