How to keep the grandparents in check...

(59 Posts)
MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 09:09:35

....in the nicest possible way?. My DD is 2. She is my parents first and only grandchild and my PIL's second of 2. We are so lucky, because they both adore DD and thoroughly spoil her. However, at Christmas, I wish they would just back off a bit. I think the problem is that when DH and I were little, neither family had much money. However, both sets of grandparents are better off than we are now and want to spend a fortune on DD. I am grateful, but it is overwhelming and ends up treading on the stuff that we do. An example would be the 'Advent Calender', last year we bought DD a lovely wooden calender that we could fill with our own treats. I managed (just) to convince my own mum not to buy DD a chocolate calender, but MIL bought one and gave it to DD even though I asked her not to. It is only a small thing, but it is annoying. DD doesn't need two, and we want the wooden one to be special. The same happened with the stocking, we bought her a lovely, personalized one, hoping to start a tradition, we told everyone about it, but she ended up with 5!! All of them personalized with her name. All of them filled with the same type of stockingy presents that we had already bought. This year, as with the two previous years, we are going to PILs on Christmas morning for breakfast and my parents in the afternoon for dinner and, if the two previous years are anything to go by, DD is going to have huge piles of presents at both houses that dwarf what 'Santa' has bought her. MIL also insists that 'Santa' has bought the gifts at her house too which I find annoying. I just want them all to follow our lead a bit more, and I want to be able to tell them they are getting carried away and treading on things that we are doing but without hurting their feelings. They do mean well, but we are the parents. I have already tried suggesting that DD goes to stay overnight with each set of grandparents and they can do special things together rather than just buy her loads of stuff. It seems to fall of deaf ears though. What do I do?

CaptainSweatPants Sun 29-Sep-13 09:12:47

I'd leave them to it tbh

Or go away for Xmas grin

My mil is like this

It annoyed me when kids were little but now they're 9 & 7 I've learnt to just accept it
They know that the inlays spoil them
Luckily my parents are more moderate

BillyGoatintheBuff Sun 29-Sep-13 09:13:19

oh this would annoy me very much! Your sticking should be the presents from santa/father christmas. You just need to tell them that it upsets you! I dont know how you tell them, but in your shoes id be upset too.

Tonightivehadwine Sun 29-Sep-13 09:17:09

Could you not just go with it and let them enjoy it too?

Sounds like they're wanting to spoil her at Christmas, and I honestly don't get why this should be such a big deal to you.
Your advent calendar sounds amazing, I don't think another calendar or two will take away from that. If you're worried about her having too much chocolate, then you and dh have the extra ones.

You might find their plans annoying, but I'm pretty sure your dd will love it, and so will they. Trying to stop them from doing this will really hurt their feelings, and when it comes down to it, it's one day, let them enjoy it.

If you end up with too many toys, put some away for a few months and get them out when she's bored of the others.

Dilidali Sun 29-Sep-13 09:19:28

Can you think of some large purchases for them to get their teeth stuck into? Like a toy storage unit, a book case, a stroller, swimming lessons for a year, shoes vouchers. I used to send my MIL potty asking for weird stuff like table corners (the clip on ones), childproof plugs, a particular sippy cup or bib. Hours of trailing the shops!!!
The too many toys I resolved swiftly declaring loud and cleargrinooh, Santa brought them for this house, so they are here for when you play at granny's. I watched with glee, as she has bought her oil paints that year for some reason.

DontmindifIdo Sun 29-Sep-13 09:22:41

Oh I've tried having words with my parents, it doesn't work - similar issues about mountains of stuff. My solutions are: a) tell them that Santa/Father Christmas only delivers to our house so if it's from FC it comes here in advance - but then also b) play on the fact DCs have richer families than I did growing up - I said that only a few things would be from FC, the rest from GPs, Uncles, Aunts etc, esp as "well, Mum, there's going to be children at playgroups and then later school who's parents and grandparents don't have as much money as us, I don't want those children to feel like they weren't 'good' enough in the year if mine reel off a list from Santa. That must put a lot of pressure on poorer parents" (playing on her remembering feeling stressed about Christmas costs).

This did help contain it (plus it makes thank you cards easier, if everything is from Santa how do you teach them to say thank you?), as they were limited to a bag of things they could sneek to ours in advance.

I also invite people to us at Christmas so keep more control. Oh and ask for clothes!

Ememem84 Sun 29-Sep-13 09:25:30

I think you (both of you) need to sit down with them and tell them how you feel. Suggest overnight stays and trips out etc. but tell them you want to start your own Christmas traditions and explain how to do them. Could they contribute to stocking gifts?

2anddone Sun 29-Sep-13 09:27:12

Oh dear my parents used to be like this! I remember driving home from theirs on Christmas eve with a boot full of presents (I had a people carrier and had to fold down seats to fit them all in!!) crying because I have tried so hard to not spoil my dc. When we were younger my parents gave us money and gifts rather than spend time with us and I don't want the same with my dc. When my parents rang on Christmas day they got really arsey because dc hadn't opened all their gifts yet. I explained they had completely overwhelmed dc and they were fed up opening gifts as they had gone Ott. Think I was a bit harsh for Christmas day but they have never done it again!!! This year they are getting ds Disney infinity and a play pack and dd playmobil take along hospital and ambulance and giving me £100 to take them out for a treat day. So major improvement!!!!

ZiaMaria Sun 29-Sep-13 09:28:37

I am also facing this problem. DD is almost 1 and her grandparents want to shower her with gifts. I, however, don't want her thinking that christmas is about chocolate and presents because as far as DH and I are concerned, it is not. Same goes for birthdays. So - we are about to tell the GPs that T should only get one present from each of them (and we will be sending out a list with appropriate suggestions). If they want to give more they are welcome to put money into DD's bank account or buy her premium bonds.

One reason for this one present rule is that one set of GPs is not as well off as the other, and I can see this becoming one of those things where one side is upset because the other side could afford to (and did ) but two hundred presents for DD.

We are also going to have to point out to them soon that there is a limited on space in the house, and that sneaking toys into the toybox while I am not present does not mean I don't notice they have arrived! Aaaargh.

CaptainSweatPants Sun 29-Sep-13 09:33:43

you're going to send a list if what they can buy?
You do realise you'll be a grandparent one day don't you !

TapTapBangBang Sun 29-Sep-13 09:36:28

I've given up trying. DS gets 3 advent calendars from both sets of GP and an aunt (SIL). His presets are ridiculously generous. Again 4-5 presents from each of them. It was annoying at first but it's what they do, I cant offend.

ZiaMaria Sun 29-Sep-13 09:38:35

And when I am a grandparent I think I will be wanting some decent guidance as to what my grandchildren want/is age appropriate/doesn't already have. Otherwise it will end up being like not having a wedding list and ending up with seven toasters when you don't eat bread.

raisah Sun 29-Sep-13 09:40:56

Dont tell people in advance what your plans are so they can't copy you.

Can you convince them to buy one gift to open and the rest in the bank? If you open two accounts, one for each gp and ask them to deposit the plastic tat money towards something long term like house deposit or university. Would they accept this?

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 09:43:10

Thanks all. I can't just go with it. I've tried that and it is just too much. I have invited both sets of parents on separate Christmas activities because I want them to be part of the fun. We go to their houses to join in with their traditions because we want to all be together. I just want them to back off a little bit. We told MIL that we are having Christmas eve afternoon to ourselves to spend at home this year and she got a but funny about it. I want them all to be a part of DDs Christmas, I just don't want to do everything their way. Same goes for my parents. I think I will try and have the conversation again.

StrangeGlue Sun 29-Sep-13 09:46:33

Could you do Christmas in your house? Sounds like a lot of running round on Christmas Day for you. Then it'd be in your house so your rules. They got their choice on Christmas growing up but now you're the ones with kids so people do what you want.

The stocking thing would really piss me off off along with the running round.

IsItMeOr Sun 29-Sep-13 09:49:05

Not that I am very proud of myself, but I had a mini-rant at DMIL when she bought DS a second stocking his first Christmas and she has never done it again. She is lovely though.

My view is that there's a lot of drudgery that goes with parenthood, and things like organising what comes from Father Christmas is one of the perks that helps to balance it out. They had their turn with you and DH, and now it's your turn. They should back out. Personally I wouldn't care how much they spent on toys and whether they were bigger than Santa's, but it would hack me off if they claimed they were from Santa. I hate waste, so lots of tatty little stocking fillers annoy me, but so long as they're things DC will use, I try to be relaxed.

As a compromise, DMIL buys the chocolate Santa for DS each year.

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 09:50:36

They absolutely will not give money at Christmas so that is out. Clothes are in addition to presents. When dd was 5 mo on her first Christmas I asked for clothes and MIL told me I was being unreasonable. Thanks again for the replies x

topbannana Sun 29-Sep-13 09:51:56

We did the same as raisah suggested and got my DP's to open DS a bank account though this did take a couple of years of constant lobbying.
Now DS is older we also go halves on big presents so they are part of that. This year DS is having an xbox one, an uncharacteristically big present but one that will be greatly appreciated. We explained to DS that as it is very expensive he would be getting very little else and he was happy with that. My DP's have been primed along these lines too and hopefully will get the message (they are much better recently!)
Also clothes is a good one. DS likes Animal which is too expensive as an everyday purchase but my DP's can splash out at Christmas, he gets the clothes that he likes and we save a little money as he has new clothes smile

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 09:52:45

I think Christmas will be at our house from next year! Hubby really wants to cook for everyone so that might be the way forward x

K8Middleton Sun 29-Sep-13 10:02:08

Oh gosh I'm so glad it's not just me. Every Christmas Ds cries because the present mountain is just overwhelming. I also struggle with the stepping on toes with stockings but also the rewriting of Christmas traditions by family members so it becomes impossible to keep our story straight.

I have compromised on a few things - I still get a stocking although I am in my 30s but I do my children's stockings. I had to firmly say to dm "stockings come from the parents. You have had your turn, now it's ours".

I'm also trying to implement a "one present per person" rule using space in cars etc as a reason and clearly stating that I do not want Ds to become spoilt. We also don't have room for all the tat stuff. It is the sheer volume I find horrifying. It just becomes meaningless because quantity has replaced thought.

I'm considering suggesting a secret Santa with a price limit so it doesn't get ridiculous but I think my parents would be very offended.

I find the whole thing really, really stressful. We have to be careful with our cash because I've been on maternity leave and for other reasons but we're not badly off. I feel like we're seen as being poor or tight and actually I think we have a healthy attitude vs the obscene profligacy.

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 10:07:12

I am so glad others feel the same. I just want Christmas to mean a little bit more than presents.

NannyPlumForPM Sun 29-Sep-13 10:37:16

mamabear I have exactly the same thing with my inlaws and my parents feel left out as Pils Buy everything. I have convinced my parents to put money in an account now until she's older and wants bigger presents like a bike/ school trips etc. but inlaws are u stoppable.

It is probably going to sound harsh but I look at the surplus presents from Christmas and birthdays and take them down to the women's shelter who are SO grateful. Other options are charity shops but I prefer them to go to the children (rather than just hoarded and sold on by charity shop connoisseurs)

In laws buy so much they often cannot remember what they have bought. (I find that directing them towards a particular gift - ie this year they are buying a tablet ?!?! For her birthday (she's going to be 3) which will cost a fair bit and should discourage them from buying other useless tat)

In my experience (sorry for long post) you will probably offend if you tell them she has too much and it's probably more discreet to let them buy as it makes them happy, and siphon the excess after. There is usually a thread closer to Xmas that has lots of mums in hard financial times DESPERATE for things. Maybe you could pass them on this way?

NannyPlumForPM Sun 29-Sep-13 10:42:20

Also for ther second Xmas dd had two big Christmas bags stuffed with toys. I was shock to put it in context we hav THE tiniest 2 bed house in world. You can touch both sides of kitchen at the same time!!

kiwidreamer Sun 29-Sep-13 10:44:19

If they don't like the idea of giving money would they consider gift vouchers for something like Peppa Pig world or National Trust, something that you could all do together when the weather is warmer?

I would be very firm on the stockings situation, Father Christmas is for the parents but let them do their thing on the other gifts... also love the idea of having grandparents presents live at grandparents house!!!! But that might upset your little one so maybe not.

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 10:46:47

I would love to be able to do that, but Hubby wouldnt agree with it and the Inlaws would know. We are close and they would expect to see the things in our house. If they found out I gave stuff away they would take great offence. I am doing a carboot in a week or two to sell on some of DD's baby toys and hubby has already moaned that it is offensive to people who bought them for her. The only thing that is keeping him on side is that we have no room for new toys if we keep the old ones! I think im going to bite the bullet and attempt the conversation. Im going to be honest about how I feel and not accept comments like 'thats what grandparents do' as an excuse!

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 10:51:24

My parents allow me to leave presents at their house - they quite like having stuff for her to play with. My IL's dont though because they have two grand daughters and feel it wouldnt be fair if one played with the others toy. I dont know how to do an eyeroll emoticon but I do think that is silly! Im letting MIL do a stocking, she does one for each of us and I wouldnt even dream of asking her to stop doing her tradition. However, it stays at her house. Same for my mum. The advent calenders I am going to insist on though. DD does not need three. And the presents - Santa only delivers to our house, the rest are from grandparents/aunties etc. Last year DD was more excited to give them presents than open her own anyway! (Although, that was just because she wanted the sparkly wrapping paper once they had opened them!)

CbeebiesIsMyLife Sun 29-Sep-13 11:08:36

My inlaws are like this and it drives me nutty sad telling dd's the presents are from Santa, insisting on spending hundreds on them when we don't, buying toys they don't want or are too young for them. I sound like an unhinged ungrateful cow whenever I talk about it tho and many people can't see the problem. But I can sympathise with you 100% op.

Last year I got very annoyed at dh and he agreed (it helped we were moving house just after Christmas and suddenly didn't have enough moving boxes after his parents toy gifts!)
We made up a new rule and have been bed t firm with them. They can give 3 gifts from them, NOT Santa, he visits our house. They have 1 dinner table gift (tradition) and she can buy them a story book and pj's for bedtime (we stay at their house) it sounds very controlling and I guess it is, but I know they have already got them pjs, slippers, dressing gowns and 2 books each for bed time. Their table gift comes in 2 parts so has been wrapped separately and one of their 3 gifts is a bag with lots of little things wrapped inside. Christmas is still 2 months away.

It's mainly upsetting because she steps on my family traditions and has already bought things I was planning on getting for the girls. But I do know they love them very much an his is how they show their love so I do know I have to accept it to a degree.

K8Middleton Sun 29-Sep-13 11:23:11

We also cannot discuss presents in advance because my mother then buys whatever I have said we were going to get. Then she "pretends" she's forgotten hmm

Her: what are you thinking of getting Ds?
Me: well dh and I haven't really discussed it yet but probably Lego. He's really into making things and wants a Lego police car. So probably a Lego police car.
Her: we were thinking we would buy <insert ridiculously expensive item which is not really age appropriate>
Me: erm, that sounds nice although you really don't need to spend so much and he might be a little young..?

Christmas Day: DM arrives with a fleet of Lego police cars, vans and motorbikes and some play mobile and <insert ridiculous gift> plus a million outfits.

Crutchlow35 Sun 29-Sep-13 11:44:12

I am going to be blunt but DH and I don't have any parents so DS aged 5 has no grandparents. Yes, I can see how elements of it are annoying but you are lucky they are there to give extra gifts.

DS gets what we give him and that is it bar a t shirt from a relative who lives overseas.

I think I would get everyone together and round the table. Tell them you love how they are keen and excited but that last year there were too many duplicates and can you all agree what the best plan is. Give everyone a list at the end so they know exactly what is what.

Sorry if I sound blunt but there wasn't a pleasant way of saying my first paragraph. Hope you manage to get everything agreed.

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 12:04:28

No need to apologise Crutchlow. You are right, we are very lucky. Going to talk to them honestly but kindly. Like I said before; we are grateful, its just a bit much x

K8Middleton Sun 29-Sep-13 12:09:44

With the very greatest of respect Crutchlow just because some people have it worse doesn't mean the situations people are in are not valid and worthy of a complaint or a moan or even despair. It is a bit unfair to suggest that if we just all got together and spoke about it all would be resolved, as if we haven't already tried this. Some things are just not that easily resolved - if they were we wouldn't all be here.

We would all love to have a happy Christmas with our relatives alive and well, where everyone is thoughtful and considerate and pulls together. For some this is impossible because their relatives have passed on but for others, like the people on this thread, the problem is the thoughtless or difficult behaviour of others and the fact that you can't say anything for fear of being accused of being ungrateful or failing to appreciate how lucky we are that the grandparents are still alive.

I do sympathise with you, I really do and it must be very hard but you are comparing apples and oranges. The absence of loving grandparents cannot be compared with the presence or thoughtless/controlling grandparents. There is no top trumps to be played here; a miserable Christmas remains a miserable Christmas.

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 12:23:41

I think that is what I find difficult about mil K8, she is so controlling. She just does what she wants anyway regardless of what I say. Im going to have to just be tougher with them. X

Where did I say the OPs comments were not valid K8? I have quite clearly said I can see how annoying it can be. That I think they should get round a table and discuss it all and that I hope she resolves it agreeably.

Wails! Name change fail!

Anyways, hopefully you will get everything resolved and everyone is happy.

DontmindifIdo Sun 29-Sep-13 12:45:51

Crutchlow - while I can see how this might seem ab unimportant problem compared to yours, that doesn't stop it being a problem - rather like saying yes, your broken leg is worse than my stubbed toe, but knowing you have a broken leg does not make my stubbed toe stop hurting.

OP - I'll join with you in having "the chat" - going to be firm with my parents this week which they will ignore and make me seeth at Christmas, because their attempts to be number one grandparents is apparently more important than me and DH being happy at Christmas

K8Middleton Sun 29-Sep-13 12:51:13

You imply that it is easily resolved, which suggests the issue is not a valid one. Did you miss the bits where OP says she's already discussed it? Or all the other posts on this thread? Annoying is an understatement in some cases. When you spend the whole of Christmas Eve on tenterhooks because you know that grandma is going to whip out new Christmas PJs (even though she knows you have already bought some) and the pile of Christmas presents is bigger than the Christmas tree (despite multiple conversations and agreement that presents will be limited) and you spend the whole of Christmas Day and Boxing Day managing the tantrums of over excited children who have just had a present orgy and have barely looked at anything and don't want to interact with other people but just have more stuff... it does really make it hard to have a happy, family time.

Your suggestion that it is easily resolved by a round-table discussion is to minimise the situation which implies the op (and the rest of us!) have not tried hard enough to resolve the situation. In some cases it cannot be resolved, only tolerated.

K8Middleton Sun 29-Sep-13 12:52:45

x-posted with DontmindifIdo who has said it better than me.

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 12:58:48

In keeping up with this on my touch screen phone and i think i just accident reported a post! I tried to press the back button so hopefully it stopped it. So sorry, I think it was yours K8. In not sure how to un-report it! Please ignore me mumsnet HQ

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 13:03:16

Right. Going to the inlaws for Sunday dinner and will attempt the chat again. Wish me luck!

mummybare Sun 29-Sep-13 13:19:10

I find the whole thing really, really stressful. We have to be careful with our cash because I've been on maternity leave and for other reasons but we're not badly off. I feel like we're seen as being poor or tight and actually I think we have a healthy attitude vs the obscene profligacy.

Wow, are you me? This is only DD's second Christmas (first grandchild both sides), but the excess has always stressed me out, and it seems to get worse each year. I just want to spend time celebrating with family without this pressure to reciprocate when people have bought a ridiculous amount of stuff that we neither need nor want. It really does upset me actually, but I have no idea what to do about it, I'm afraid. Requests to keep things low key seem to fall on deaf ears.

DontmindifIdo Sun 29-Sep-13 13:47:16

ooh partial success! I just took the bull by the horns and had a word.

My dad called, it's his birthday next week and I'd sent him a message asking if he had anything he wanted. Apparently he's got a list of books he wants, but mentioned I should only get him one or two (as much as he loves buying shed loads of stuff for other people, he doesn't like to recieve much stuff!). I said I'd get a few of them and put the others to one side for Christmas. He then said "I suppose [DS] is old enough this year to have a list for Father Christmas, you'll have to let us know what's on it so we can get him something." I then said that it might be better this year if he only gets one or two gifts from each person - and if they wanted to spend the same, I could give suggestions of slightly more expensive items, or put money in DS's savings. I pointed out that as it's also DS's birthday at Christmas, he often gets all his gifts on Christmas day, I reelled off the list of people who'll buy a gift for DS, and pointed out that even if close family (just both sets of grandparents, DH's and my siblings, DS's godmother and my godmother) only bought DS one gift each for Christmas and one for Birthday, that's still 20 parcels to open before he even gets anything from DH and I or his stocking from 'Father Christmas'.

Dad actually said that he'd noticed last year that DS seemed to get bored of opening pressies last christmas by tea time when he was handed a loads of birthday pressies from my brother. (!!!) I said that yes, DS seems to get overwhelmed by it all and I'd rather they just get him one or two gifts, if they want to get him more things, they could put somethings to one side and give him a gift in January (ok, still not reducing the amount of crap in my house, but at least staggering it a bit to help DS actually have time to play with his toys, rather than every time he starts to play with something, being handed another parcel to open).

We've left it that he'll talk to Mum about reducing the sheer quantity of things, and they won't get anythign until I send a list of ideas, also that DVDs and books might be good "little extra" gifts - but that giving them to me to give him between Christmas and New Year on rainy days when pre-school is closed rather than on Christmas day might be a better idea.

Oh and as DD will only be 6 months old and she already has lots of DS's old toys, they've agreed to get her clothes for Christmas.

Now, does anyone think this will actually happen???!?!?!

LadyFlumpalot Sun 29-Sep-13 13:53:17

Xmas day is also DSs birthday so he gets a massive pile of gifts. His first Xmas/birthday my mum and MIL were being all secretive about what they had bought him.

My mum lives 5 minutes away and MIL lives 100 odd miles away. PIL couldn't come visit on Xmas day and were coming on the 27th instead. My mum came over on Xmas day.

Anyway, it turned out that they had both bought him the same... but because my mums had already been opened, assembled and played with, the one from MIL had to be the one to be exchanged (she wouldn't entertain the idea of leaving it at hers for DS to play with there).

She was not a happy MIL, not at all. Now I insist that both sets of grandparents actually communicate with each other.

ringaringarosy Sun 29-Sep-13 19:27:34

shes only two so you can nip this in the bud now.as far as them buying stuff im not sure what you can do,i have 5 and my mil has 20 grandchildren in total so thats not an issue for us,my mum spends a lot on them and buys them stuff i probably wouldnt choose but as they are getting older she asks me directly what i think they would like.

Its the other stuff that bothers me,the answer is easy,TELL THEM!thats what i did,mil told my lot that santa had bought their presents and i just said "oh no they know that you buy the presents" (we dont really do santa or anything the kids know its just a story so your response would be different,like santa only buys the presents at our house")

MamaBear17 Sun 29-Sep-13 20:00:30

I spoke to mil and she agreed to 2 or 3presents plus clothes and stocking. She also agreed not to get an advent calendar either. She has bought xmas eve pjs, but I have asked her to keep them for Christmas day night and she was fine. I told her that i found it overwhelming last year and she said 'thats as it should be' but I stood my ground. It was okay in the end, im just hoping she sticks to it. Will have the chat with my own mum too. I find it easier to talk to my own mum so it shouldn't be a problem. Thanks all x

Why not ask them to put money in a savings account and get little presents if they insist?

Chottie Mon 30-Sep-13 05:29:48

I am a GM with one GS and it is his first Christmas and I will be talking to DD before buying a single thing.

MrsHoratioNelson Mon 30-Sep-13 05:42:30

Agree with those saying that its particularly mean of them to trample stockings - on one of the fun privileges that parents get to counteract all the drudgery. I would be hopping about this. The least they can do is stick to the traditions that you and DH have decided on.

cupcake78 Mon 30-Sep-13 06:06:48

We have this but have worked out that we can direct them into larger presents and they then limit the rest because they only have so much cash. I exchange clothes I don't like. Mil tends to go mad on the sale rails and most things are the wrong size/ season or I think too grown up.

Suggestions for presents are outside climbing frames/ playhouses, trips to Lego land, help decorate child's bedroom. Help with storage units for toys! The vito now is if you buy a massive/loads of stuff it has to come with a storage solution or it goes back to their house. That of course is another solution to it. Get mil to keep some of the toys at theirs for when you go there.

This may sound crass but the more expensive the better as it leaves less to be spent of tuns of toys that just get dusty.

The principle of the advent calendar would piss me off as mil went against what you said. This IMO is not acceptable!

To give you some hope the older your child gets the more expensive the toys get and the smaller they are grin

There is always regifting for children's parties and some shops will let you take stuff back. You can't stop them but you can direct them.

It's taken me 6 years to get it to this point.

wannaBe Mon 30-Sep-13 06:31:57

life's too short to get upset about an advent calendar.

at two kids really don't care about tradition, and by the time they're four they'll be wanting all the marketed ones in the shops and wooden ones will seem boring to them. Those types of traditions are more about the parents than the children.

As for the excessive buying of Christmas presents, I would be more inclined to berate the commercialisation that is Christmas and point out to the parents that it shouldn't be about competitive giving.

NellysKnickers Mon 30-Sep-13 06:32:44

I just let them get on with it. Last year DCs had 5 Advent Calendars between them, they had one each, DH and I scoffed the rest. As for the presenst just put some away once opened and swap toys around now and again. It's not worth upsetting the GPs over it, it really isn't.

turkeyboots Mon 30-Sep-13 06:48:48

I have this problem with the in-laws too. Compounded by the fact they are divorced so end up with 2 giant piles from them, plus what Santa brings and my parents (also divorced) and other relatives.

MiL now has 4 grandchildren and has maintained the volume of presents by getting cheap tat which breaks on first use. FiL swears he'll buy one thing but doesn't tell sMiL who goes mad at Christmas every year and buys everyone at least 10 gifts each. Nothing thoughtful or considerate though.

It's deeply frustrating and DH speaks to them about it every year. And gets ignored, or told (in September) that they've bought everything already. I do a huge charity shop run in early Jan every year which feels sad.

turkey does your DH tell them it ends up in a charity shop? Or are they only concerned with the "wow" factor at present opening time? It's a bit sad really.

derektheladyhamster Mon 30-Sep-13 07:57:16

It has taken years! But the boys are now 13 and 10 and for the last few years it's calmed down grin mainly because they now have granddaughters aged 6 and 4

JerseySpud Mon 30-Sep-13 09:44:02

My parents are a bit like that so now i send them DD1's list and they ask what to get DD2 and its all from santa smile

SugarHut Mon 30-Sep-13 12:12:39

This will never change, it's what grandparents do. My mother even had nursery curtains made whilst I was mid doing his nursery (my scheme was blues and creams, she disliked) she waited for me to leave the house, went in armed with curtains, poles, huge glass finials and I returned to these fucking things (green, brown, cream vintage sketched animals) hanging proudly in his room. She "accidentally" left the invoice for them behind, (4 digits) so I would be silently guilt tripped into leaving them there and not hoiking them down, as she knew I would usually do. I then had to redecorate my blue walls to match HER curtains.

Don't get me started on Christmas.

But, it's not a first world problem. It can be overbearing, and they can tread on our toes, and they can infuriate us. They will always see their way as having the best intentions, and feel snubbed when we try and explain that sincerely they are lovely but being an utter pain in the arse.

My advice, after 5yrs of it, just live with it. No, you shouldn't have to, but realistically, the underlying friction you cause if you try and say something, no matter how right you may be, will be way worse than the situation now.

Oceansurf Mon 30-Sep-13 12:19:56

I think you should do Christmas Eve/Christmas Day in your own house for starters. Then it's your traditions, your day. Both sets of parents had their time - with you and your husband.

Then you could do the alternating thing on Boxing Day. However, you need to put your foot down about the presents definitely. I don't think you should pussy foot around. Just ask them directly. I'm sure most reasonable people would rather keep the parents happy too. If they'd really rather spend that much on them, then surely they could put that ££ amount in an account instead?

FWIW we're staying at home this Christmas for precisely this reason. As a family ourselves now, I don't see why we should be traipsing around at Christmas.

Oceansurf Mon 30-Sep-13 12:22:23

oh, just read one of your updates..what the hell is your MIL doing buying Christmas Eve pyjamas??!! That really is stepping over the mark imo. That's what you do for your own kids. That in itself would piss me right off.

CMOTDibbler Mon 30-Sep-13 12:27:14

If they don't want to give money, but want to spend more, how about asking for a season ticket to the zoo/National trust membership / Merlin passes or something else that you can all get pleasure out of all year

MamaBear17 Mon 30-Sep-13 17:38:14

Both sets of grandparent just get carried away. MIL wants to treat DD as though she is her own. It is very kindly meant, she was the same with me when dh and I got together and, when we married, asked me to consider her as a sort of second mum. I love her to bits, but find her hard to talk too because she isn't good at listening to things she doesn't want to hear. She doesn't mean any harm, just can't see that she is treading on our toes. If im honest, i do think she finds it hard not being 'the mum'. That is why I wanted advice on how to talk to them because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time, in fed up of feeling pushed out. She seemed fine when we chatted on Sunday, hopefully it will all work out. Next year we are hoping to have Christmas at home so hopefully it will be easier.

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