Fairy Tale of --New York-- Mumsnet

(134 Posts)

Fairy tale of –New York-- Mumsnet

It was Christmas Eve babe
Here on mumsnet
A poster whinged to me
There’s mumsnet royalty
And then we posted stuff
Into A-I-B-U
I logged onto my phone
And trolled about poo.

So often I’m logged on
I may neglect my son
I’ve started to suspect
I’m not the only one
So Happy Christmas
I love you Mumsnet
I can see another year
When I hang out here…

They’ve got threads that take off
They’ve got threads that just fail
But the worst ones for fighting
Link to Daily Mail
When you first flamed my arse
In a mega bun-fight
You said I’d get mentioned
By damned Matthew Wright

We’re vipers
We’re swearers
You’d best all beware us
When the thread hit one-thousand
We started anew
In chat they got lairy
All the trolls were quite hairy
and sometimes its scary

And the Folk of the MNHQ choir
were begging “please behave”
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day.

You’re a knob
You’re a grunt
You’re an atrocious cunt
Now its message deleted but you know I’m right
You credulous reader
You mad troll believer
Yes Its Christmas I know
But dear god you’re so PO

And the Folk of the MNHQ choir
were begging “please behave”
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day.

I’m just a knackered Mum
I’m not the only one
I lost a chunk of me
When I gave birth you see
And though I love my child
That moment they first smiled
I like to spend a while
where I can swear without you.

And the Folk of the MNHQ choir
were begging “please behave”
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day.

turkeyboots Mon 24-Dec-12 11:14:40


Merry Christmas!

EveryYuleKnows Mon 24-Dec-12 11:15:18


turkeyboots Mon 24-Dec-12 11:15:26

And ohmygod how long did that take you! V impressed.

That made me well up, feeling sensitive today grin

EleanorGiftbasket Mon 24-Dec-12 11:17:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aw fanks.

writing it? Not that long, but the sound of my typing made it look like I was actually working for the last 20 mins. Just got another 6 hours left to go!


EveryYuleKnows Mon 24-Dec-12 11:19:06

Keema is our Poet Extraordinaire !

Got it in my head now smile

StewieGriffinsMom Mon 24-Dec-12 11:19:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EchoBitch Mon 24-Dec-12 11:20:02

When will you,will you get published?


EchoBitch Mon 24-Dec-12 11:20:55

^^ to the tune of when will i,will i be famous. wink

AudrinaWhiteChristmasAdare Mon 24-Dec-12 11:21:26

"You’re a knob
You’re a grunt
You’re an atrocious cunt"

That's my very favourite bit - I will be singing it in my head all day grin

FairyJengleBells Mon 24-Dec-12 11:21:54

Absolutely amazing!!!!

HQ I demand this gets saved forever!!

grin Audrina, that was my best bit too. It took a while to fit atrocious cunt in and there was a sense of pride one I'd managed it.

EchoBitch Mon 24-Dec-12 11:22:56

Audrina...YES,that's the best line i've heard in years. grin

MrsLyman Mon 24-Dec-12 11:27:23

Awesome grin

RebeccaTheHallsMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Dec-12 11:29:07

"Please Behave"

<claps loudly>

Fabulous grin

FarelyKnuts Mon 24-Dec-12 11:31:16

That is the best version of that song EVER!! grin and you have way too much time on your hands :0

musttidyupBeforeSantaComes Mon 24-Dec-12 11:32:22

*I lost a chunk of me
When I gave birth you see*
Well done grin

DontForgetTheSproutsLawrence Mon 24-Dec-12 11:33:00

Marvellous! grin

Pagwatch Mon 24-Dec-12 11:33:16


GotMyGoat Mon 24-Dec-12 11:33:43

<loud applause>

Seal claps all round!

IvanaNapAfterChristmasDinner Mon 24-Dec-12 11:36:08

"the sound of my typing made it look like I was actually working for the last 20 mins" grin

I hate the original - I love your version by comparison! Gold star for Keema

FarelyKnuts - I'm letting my staff go home at midday, but someone has to stay here until the end of the day, so yes, I have a lot of time to kill.

Yes, I could be working, but this seemed a much better use of my time. grin


McChristmasPants2012 Mon 24-Dec-12 11:39:07

amazing smile

Smeggnog Mon 24-Dec-12 11:43:07


<wipes festive tear from eyes>

GreatCongas Mon 24-Dec-12 11:43:35

First post that's made me feel Christmassy
Thanks keema and merry Christmas grin

SantasWearingHisTrampyPants Mon 24-Dec-12 11:43:41

I fucking LOVE you.

That's awesome.

HotheadPaisan Mon 24-Dec-12 11:45:37

That is brilliant, well done!

LtXmasEve Mon 24-Dec-12 11:45:58

That is the BEST thing EVER! Bloody Hell Keema, you are FAB!

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 24-Dec-12 11:47:47

Brilliant, Keema!

But it's in Chat. MNHQ.... instant Xmas classic?

blush never has my doing absolutely fuck all work been so appreciated before.

Thanks All smile

MyMelody Mon 24-Dec-12 11:48:54

fantastic! merry Christmas! you are very clever smile

That is awesome!

NinthWavingAtTheSnowman Mon 24-Dec-12 11:50:23

<wheezing> at 'trolled about poo'

I fucking LOVE you Keema

Love it grin

That is brilliant! Bravo Keema

IvanaNapAfterChristmasDinner Mon 24-Dec-12 11:52:18

<clears throat>

Away in a forum,
No mods for a thread
The vipers and trollies,
were at log-er-heads.

The tech in the dark shed,
logged on in dismay -
the little mobile version
messed up yesterday.

The posters are swearing,
the lurkers keep schtum
But over in "Christmas"
are signs of some fun.

I love thee, oh Mumsnet,
For all that thou do
Secret Santa and Blankets,
To name but a few.

Be kind to each other,
think of HQ today -
I'll not log on too much,
over Christmas I pray.

Bless all the dear MNers,
Christmas and New Year too.
May they all have some joy
with no mention of poo


BahSaidPaschaHumbug Mon 24-Dec-12 11:53:37

Better than the original. Well done.grin

CheerfulYank Mon 24-Dec-12 11:53:43

That is AMAZING. I honestly got a little misty. (Am pregnant and sleep deprived and it's 6 in the morning here, but STILL.)

I just <sniff> love you atrocious cunts so much.

cakesonatrain Mon 24-Dec-12 11:55:43

Excellent use of your time, love it!

IceTheChristmasKateMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Dec-12 11:58:45

<applauds loudly>

reindeercanteatsweets Mon 24-Dec-12 12:00:28

I feel christmassy now. Thats brilliant keema

IvanaNapAfterChristmasDinner Mon 24-Dec-12 12:01:06

kindof thought others may have posted some too in the meantime
<shuffles uncomfortably>


MamaWomanAha Mon 24-Dec-12 12:02:28

Throws thanks on stage for Keema and Ivana.



CrispyHedgehog Mon 24-Dec-12 12:04:48

bloody brilliant!!!!!

almapudden Mon 24-Dec-12 12:05:23

V good, bravo! <wild applause>

5madthings Mon 24-Dec-12 12:07:58


Enigmosaurus Mon 24-Dec-12 12:09:03


BOFingSanta Mon 24-Dec-12 12:09:05

Oh fabulous! grin

I feel all Christmassy now.

GobblersSparklyExplodingKnob Mon 24-Dec-12 12:10:31

Omg, that's brilliant grin

Viviennemary Mon 24-Dec-12 12:11:26

That's amazing. You should be a songwriter. You're one already!

maillotjaune Mon 24-Dec-12 12:14:05

Keema I didn't think anyone could improve on Shane McGowan's poetry but that is AMAZING flowers

thanks & blush to everyone!

dingdongMadHairDayonhigh Mon 24-Dec-12 12:14:59

utterly love it!

Ivana - I've just noticed your version of away in a manger grin.

Maybe we could start a MN christmas song book?

TheWombat Mon 24-Dec-12 12:37:06

<sways to the music>
Lovely! It's properly Christmas now!

PretzelTime Mon 24-Dec-12 12:38:21

<applause> Merry Xmas all knobs and vipers smile

TheWombat Mon 24-Dec-12 12:38:53

Mumsnet carol-singers! grin
I dare you to knock next door and perform those versions Keema and Ivana.

Silent Night
Trolly Night
Lets all start
A bunfight
Host Olivia
Helen and Anne
Heads in hands
reaching out for a can
Not today not today -ay
Just for this time Nicely Play....

<bit quickly written>

grin @ East Holly.

JsOtherHalf Mon 24-Dec-12 13:05:51

Woohoo for all creative poets :D (I have no ability whatsoever in this area, Mum used to have to write all my poems for primary school homework smile )

everlong Mon 24-Dec-12 13:56:13

Genius woman!

AlexReidsLonelyThisChristmas Mon 24-Dec-12 14:00:56

Bravo MN songwriters! You are all clever clogs. grin wine grin

pofacedalways Mon 24-Dec-12 14:15:44

PO??? Am I to take this personally? grin

wonderstuff Mon 24-Dec-12 14:21:54

Excellent, you so clever thanks

RiaUnderTheMistletoe Mon 24-Dec-12 14:48:22

Love all of these! grin

SellotapeInMyHairExtensions Mon 24-Dec-12 14:54:05

grin Fab! grin

TanteRose Mon 24-Dec-12 14:55:43

These are all brilliant flowers to all the genius songwriters grin

well pofaced I didn't want to say, but now you mention it...

RobinsBaubleSparkles Mon 24-Dec-12 15:04:07


grin grin grin grin

RiaUnderTheMistletoe Mon 24-Dec-12 15:08:55

The Holly and the AIBU

The Mumsnet section AIBU
Where we all go to moan
To all the trolls who enter there
Beware the HQ’s frown.

The parent-and-child parking
And supermarket grapes
Mother-in-laws, bastard exes
Yabu, yabu, yabu.


soontobeyummy Mon 24-Dec-12 15:13:23

Brilliant, love it! grin

VBisme Mon 24-Dec-12 15:19:50

Brilliant, thank you!

grin excellent

KenDoddsDadsDog Mon 24-Dec-12 15:42:00


ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Mon 24-Dec-12 15:43:57

Brilliant! grin

Bearandcub Mon 24-Dec-12 15:45:31

Brilliant! grin

Bearandcub Mon 24-Dec-12 15:49:21

I'm giving you all a standing ovation here, DS2 is clapping and DS1 is confused.

If I showed this to my DH, I'd get a confused face as well, but I've given up trying to explain MN to him.

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 24-Dec-12 16:27:24

OliviaMumsnet wrote this in honour of StateOfConfusion's new baby.

The Twelve Days of Mumsnet
On the twelfth day of Mumsnet, my true love gave to me: <deep breath>

12 Mothers chatting [gin]
11 Knitters knitting
10 Folk a-shopping
9 Ladies birthing
8 Boobs a-milking
7 Trolls a-flouncing
6 Techs a-tweaking
5 Bun Fights
4 x 4s abound
3 froot shoots
2 Sausage rolls
And a Justine and a Carrie!

That's brilliant Empress smile

Oh, sorry, just noticed it was OliviaMumsnet - A lady of many talents wink.

MorrisZapp Mon 24-Dec-12 18:34:38

Genuinely, truly good. Keema, you are talented! x

SarahStratton Mon 24-Dec-12 19:10:21

But dear god you’re so PO

grin grin grin

JellicleCat Mon 24-Dec-12 19:14:39

Brilliant grin

HeadlessChristmasLambrini Mon 24-Dec-12 19:22:14

fab-u-lous, fantastic, bloody brill grin

TheJoyfulChristmasJumper Mon 24-Dec-12 19:23:33

Not a carol but a couple of weeks ago another poster and I came up with this (on this thread):

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring .... except for a zombie mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But the zombie mouse would give everyone a scare!

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Little did they know of zombie mice (some without heads!),
And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap
Had just settled our BRAAAAIIIIINNS for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to mislaid limbs below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
Hoards of undead rodents who were drawing near

With a little old mouse so in need of some Vicks,
I knew in a moment it must be very sick.
More rapid than eagles these rodents they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Rotten! Now, Rancid! Now, Poorly and Itching!
On, Three Legs! On, One Eye! On Mouldy and Twitching!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now lurch away! Lurch away! Lurch away all!"

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells Mon 24-Dec-12 19:27:27


This is why I luffs MN. Happy Christmas!

OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Dec-12 19:39:12

Reposted with original links:

<<clears throat>>

The Twelve Days of Mumsnet
On the twelfth day of Mumsnet, my true love gave to me: <deep breath>

12 Mothers chatting wine brew [gin]
11 Knitters knitting flowers
10 Folk a-shopping
9 Ladies birthing
8 Boobs a-milking
7 Trolls a-flouncing hmm
6 Techs a-tweaking
5 Bun Fights biscuit
4 x 4s abound wink
3 froot shoots
2 Sausage rolls
And a Justine and a Carrie!

Peace and love this Christmas from all at MNHQ


BOFingSanta Mon 24-Dec-12 19:40:17


And to you too, Olivia xx

Dillydollydaydream Mon 24-Dec-12 19:45:52

Ha! That's great grin

EchoBitch Mon 24-Dec-12 20:15:37

Bun fights biscuit?

Nowt better than a good,clean bun fight.

<<chucks rock cake into the mix>> grin

Love it even more with all of the links, Olivia. grin

Peace, love and reasonable behaviour to you all.

TheJoyful braiiiiiiiiiiiiiinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 24-Dec-12 20:43:21

Thank you Olivia grin

I couldn't do the original links on my phone.

We really do need a Mumsnet Songbook.

thixotropic Mon 24-Dec-12 20:59:13

Pmsl @ fitting atrociouscunt into that


Mumsnet wouldn't be Mumsnet without an atrocious cunt in it. smile

HollyDayzacummin Mon 24-Dec-12 21:19:39

I love this. Fabulous...xx
Merry Christmas 'ye arsholes'...sorry...felt the need to make a nod to the homage original smile

Oblomov Mon 24-Dec-12 21:21:36


SantasNaughtySack Mon 24-Dec-12 21:21:48

Keema, you're an utter genius grin The next time my friend asks me what the hell MN is all about, I'm sending her the link to this thread!
<Christmas squeezes> to all!

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 24-Dec-12 21:32:49

Actually I think MN is full of bloody lovely cunts.

SantasNaughtySack Mon 24-Dec-12 21:34:37

Ooh-err Empress, my cunt and I are blushing at your high praise grin

DreamyDreaminOfAWhiteChristmas Mon 24-Dec-12 21:44:10

Fantastic! Lots of very talented, funny people on this thread. grin

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 24-Dec-12 21:46:36

so good!!!! <applause>

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 24-Dec-12 21:48:35

Well, isn't it?

Cunts are great. Look what they can do!

Atrocious cunts are a whole other matter of course.

Jamdoughnutfiend Mon 24-Dec-12 21:50:04

Ding dong mumsnet on high
On the drunk thread we are drinking
Ding dong trollers that lie
Our BF'ers are milking

Am I beeeing un-season-abllllllllllll-llllllllllll-llllllllllllllllllll-lllllllllle
Of course you are and you know it

BoatysTinselSails Mon 24-Dec-12 21:54:26

grin love this thread! So MN festive!

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 21:59:14

Once in royal mumsnet city
Stood a lowly parking thread,
Out came all the angry posters
Slashing tyres and scraping cars
Jesus Christ!
It's just a car
Keep hair on
And you'll go far!

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 22:03:24

Jingle bells
HQ smells
Please don't delete me
I will be a good girl now
And stop being norty

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 22:05:21

Sorry MNHQ, I don't mean it, I luffs you, you don't really smell much
Merry Christmas!

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 22:13:21

O come all you posters
Lets all have a bunfight
O come yea, o come yea and grab your buns
Chuck em at trolls, atrocious cunts and arseholes

O come and throw your buns
O come an throw your buns
O come and throw your buuuuuuuuns
Chrisssssst I'm pissed!

Pickles77 Mon 24-Dec-12 22:15:19


ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 22:23:03

Hey pickles! How are you? <waves>
How's baby?

OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Dec-12 22:23:32


Jingle bells HQ smells.

I'm HOWLING here grin

<disclaimer: I do not believe HQ smells, unless the said smell is of gin and biscuits>

Oh Come all ye posters - shakeysings love it.

EmpressOfTheNorthPole Mon 24-Dec-12 22:28:10

Olivia! Shaky's sorry, we'll make her behave. We're doing our Puddle nativity and since you sang for the Messiah, we want you as the Angel Gabriel.

DizzyHoneyBee Mon 24-Dec-12 22:36:47

love the original, part of it seems to have been written especially for my ex and part of yours suits him even better smile


ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 22:42:44

<behaves self>
Olivia smells like roses obvs I know she's been raiding the tin
Olivia would make a brilliant angel Gabriel but its a bit of a step down from being GOD at MNHQ wink

blondietinsellyminx Mon 24-Dec-12 22:50:04

These are brilliant grin grin grin

notreadyforchristmas Mon 24-Dec-12 22:53:03

Brilliant grin

OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Dec-12 22:59:29


Olivia would make a brilliant angel Gabriel but its a bit of a step down from being GOD at MNHQ wink

If only.

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 23:02:28

grin Merry Christmas Olivia MWAH!

So, are you going to be our angel?

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 23:05:02

grin Merry Christmas Olivia MWAH!

So, are you going to be our angel?

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 23:05:45

Oops sorry for double post blush

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Mon 24-Dec-12 23:13:55

Oh HQ, OH HQ how talented is Olivia!
she sang a song for baby State
So she didnt have to call her Jesus
Oh have heart, it christmas

You can be god, we know you can
Oh vat of gin, oh vat of gin
Just for you Olivia

MerryLindor Thu 27-Dec-12 21:09:21

Ooooh. Just discovered this and think it is brilliant.

Bumping for those who haven't been on MN over Xmas

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 28-Dec-12 01:11:02

<bows> merry Xmas everyone! Especially OP xxx

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 28-Dec-12 01:15:54

And merry Christmas to all of MNHQ , we luffs you! MWAH
<puts gin down and goes to bed>

IceTheChristmasKateMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 28-Dec-12 10:37:27


And merry Christmas to all of MNHQ , we luffs you! MWAH
<puts gin down and goes to bed>

And we luffs you all too most of the time

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 28-Dec-12 15:51:28


FBworry Sat 29-Dec-12 10:56:44

Excellent op!

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