christmas dinner dilema

[upduffedsecret]

trying to cut a long story very short with my nearly-2-year-old trying to "help" me type...

I got together with my partner this year. Prior to that he's been my best friend for years, and I've been living as his lodger (before we got together, obvs!) since my eldest child was born 4 years ago.

I don't celebrate christmas any more, my children and I (and my partner) celebrate the winter solstice a few days before - we do presents and the big dinner etc then.
And my partner has celebrated and taken part with us the whole time. And then he has gone to his parents for christmas eve/day and celebrated with them. Which is fine.

We had dinner with his family -parents, his sister and her son, and the 4 of us - the other week, and there just wasn't room. My partner and his father had their dinner on trays in a different room while the women and children sat at the dining table (my little one in the high chair).

Now he wants us to go with him for christmas this year as well as doing the solstice here at home. Which I'd be fine with, I like and get on well with his family and they've always treated me like one of their own anyway. But I can't see it working, it felt wrong enough for 2 people to be excluded for a normal sunday dinner! I really don't want that to happen at christmas too.

So to my mind, it's better for those of us who don't usually celebrate christmas to stay home, rather than have the celebration dinner be split into those who are on the table and those who aren't. I've had that situation happen (back when I used to celebrate christmas) with my family - my then-husband, my brother and I were sat on the sofa with trays while my mother, her husband, her MIL and her MIL's neighbour were at the table; and to be honest it felt very much like we weren't wanted nor welcome at all. We all three ate feeling crappy, then my brother voiced it and we all left pretty much as soon as our trays were empty (to my brother's house a few doors away where there was a big enough table we could all have sat around but my mother had refused). We didn't enjoy the meal at all.

I don't want that to happen here!

On the other hand, my partner says that if we don't go with him it's STILL splitting the family into two groups and he will have a miserable time without us. I think he needs to talk to his parents about it as soon as possible so we can at least attempt to find a solution, otherwise the children and I will be staying home.

There's also the secondary issue of the whole family "doing" santa for the 3 year old nephew and my 4 year old obviously not believing because we don't celebrate christmas! Normally easy to manage, but not when the 3 year old will be hyper and excited because of what "santa" brought him...

I would have posted this in AIBU but I didn't want to set off another argument about where it should have been posted and why my child "should" believe in father christmas for fear he may let it slip at school...

it's still october and I'm stressing about a festival I don't celebrate... anyone got any suggestions about what we should do?

[girlywhirly]

Can I say that lots of people whose religious beliefs are not Christian celebrate at Christmas; my boss was jewish, yet always went to the Christmas do with his colleagues, gave Christmas cards and so on. You can still be tolerant of others beliefs, and you can teach your son the same.

The greater issue (for you) is the overcrowding at the meal. Could the table be made larger by placing a board on top which is a trick used by many restaurants? Thus creating a larger perimeter to sit around. Or could two tables be pushed together, my cousins used to do this, people used to transport their chairs and stuff to the hosting house, furniture was moved etc. It has been known for kitchen tables, and patio or conservatory tables, even wallpapering tables to be pressed into service. Get them to measure the room and the table and consider the problem creatively. Working together on this will do heaps towards family relations, they won't feel as if they are being shunned and you will be all together for what is after all a celebratory family meal.

[Leeds2]

If you really can't make the table bigger, could you and DS go round for Christmas tea, or whenever lunch had finished?

[TheRealMaryMillington]

I think that as they have invited you and want you there, there must be a way of fitting everyone around. It's a terrible reason to decline a warmly extended invitation. Maybe have a chat and see what suggestions you can come up with. All of which might be more fun than plates on knees.

RE the Santa thing, you are going to have to deal with this sooner or later as 4 year old may let cat out of bag with nursery or school mates, just work out what your line is and stick to it.

TBH I think you are fretting over nothing.

[Picklewickle]

I've never come across the idea of some people sitting in another room! We have always just squeezed round, using a garden table or wallpaper table if necessary, people bringing extra chairs/camping stools/tables if the hosts don't have enough. Accept the invitation, and offer to bring furniture! Or if there really isn't room, we'd do a buffet and everyone sits in living room with plates on knees, with maybe children using coffee tables. That said, as guests you can't insist if they are determined to put people in different rooms. But it's v odd IMO. I've never had guests over like that or been a guest where that happened.

I can't answer the father christmas thing for you, but your 4yo is presumably at school or will be at some point so it will come up with anyway. Better for it to come up when you are there to oversee.

[upduffedsecret]

I have no problems with anyone celebrating christmas, or we wouldn't be even considering it! it's just not what we do, that's all. We still give them presents, we still write cards for the eldest's classmates as we know THEY are having a major festival.

my 4 year old managed not to tell anyone in nursery last year (through two different Santa visits organised there too) - though I will be pre-warning his reception teacher in a few weeks, obviously. He has been told it would be very rude to tell anyone that what they believe is wrong, and he's a good boy who took that to heart.

there is no other table to push together, apparently. No board to add to the top (I was told no to that suggestion). there is no possibility for me and the children to go after they've all had lunch as I don't drive and it's too far to walk, either we all go together or we don't go.

it's a BIG deal in his family that he has to be there. big enough that they're already asking to make sure he won't stay away this year because of me. Neither he nor his sister have ever spent christmas day elsewhere.

[maddy68]

I'm an atheist but still have a family Christmas. Yes some of us used to end up with dinner on our knees until we invested £20 on a camping table which extended the table a bit.
You need to support your dp don't spoil his Christmas with his family , go even if it isn't your cup of tea. He clearly wants you to go

[upduffedsecret]

I want to go, because I love them all. it's just the numbers of people vs table-spaces that's the problem

[Vivacia]

But they don't seem to think it's a problem, and besides as hosts it's up to them to solve it.

[maddy68]

They don't think it's a problem....you do. They are hosts they have obviously considered that having family together is more important than sitting round a table. They sound great in laws to have

[Penfold007]

You are being welcomed into a new blended family who will have different traditions and ways of doing things. Your child needs to learn about other beliefs and what a great way to do it in a normal family situation. Let DC enjoy having a stocking, maybe provide MIL with a green one trimmed with cones, leaves etc.
When I was young the children all sat round the kitchen table at my grans whilst the grown ups had the dining table as there was no room it was just her tradition.

[jamtoast12]

I think you should go. Our family is huge and in total there are up to 30 of us including the kids, all in my parents house which has a 6 sweater table! It's a nightmare in terms of stress but worth it. I think it'll be rude to not go, especially as the day isn't that major for you so it's their Xmas that is going to be compromised in terms Of space and they still seem to want that than you not go at all.

The Santa thing will be an issue as your child gets older and you may find him feeling excluded (our school makes big deal out of Santa in winter with breakfast with Santa, Xmas parties with Santa, Santa at the Xmas fair etc ) but appreciate you have your reasons. If he does tell any of the kids, I can say fairly safely that the parents will go mad! In our area the aim is to get kids to 10 before the magic goes (and most do) sono ensure he understands the importance. It's easier at his age now but it'll be harder when he's 5-7 and kids love nothing more than knowing something others don't.

[Picklewickle]

I think then you just go, accept whatever seating arrangements there are gracefully, and enjoy spending time with them, as they obviously want you to do. The eating part is not the whole day.

[JustSpeakSense]

If you have specifically been invited by his family then they obviously are happy they can accommodate you at the dinner table - the onus is on them (I would never ask people around for a meal if I felt I didn't have the space to accommodate them)

Christmas is obviously a special, family time for his family - and I'm sure you want to share the special day with those you love?

Also, as this is your first christmas together, remember that traditions you set up now we likely to continue in years to come (do you want to be home alone every christmas in the future?)

[upduffedsecret]

where I grew up if you still believed at 7 you were thought very odd by the other kids.

my son thinks Santa's a nice story that some people believe, and was happy enough to play along last year. his closest friend's mum knows we don't do santa and is prepared just in case he does let it slip. To be absolutely honest though, I don't see why I should have to take part in something which is against my beliefs just to keep the other parents happy (they aren't particularly welcoming, on the whole. very cliquey and we are unusual in that we aren't from here). He's been told I'd be very cross if he tells someone what they believe isn't true, just like I'd be cross if someone told him what he believes in isn't true. He doesn't want that :)

the school knows we believe differently to most, and he doesn't do assemblies etc now so they know enough to not exclude him... I told his teacher that I'm always willing to discuss things as and when they crop up (this week it was the harvest festival, which I explained was quite like our autumn equinox and so he can of course take part in the class performance of "dingle dangle scarecrow" and the teacher will remove him before the religious part of it happens)

Step-grandparents know we don't do santa, and won't be expecting us to. We'd be going over after breakfast anyway so they won't feel the need to do a stocking for the boys.

I get the feeling that they haven't considered the seating, just that he's told them unless we can all go he won't be going. they don't plan ahead that much, but I do. He's fully prepared to do the whole feast twice, once on the solstice and then do all that cooking again on the 25th (though I don't think we have enough freezer or fridge space for all that food!)

strangely, although we invited them all last year, his parents refused because it "isn't what we believe"... His sister and her little boy came, turned out she had the full turkey dinner 4 times that week!

[meditrina]

I think you should go. They know how you fit (or don't fit) into their house and have invited you. I don't think your views on where people sit outweigh those of your hosts.

[LittleBearPad]

I do think you're making too much of this. You've been invited by your in-laws who you like. The issue is just a practicality of seating. If they don't mind, why should you?
If it really gets to you suggest that your smallest sits on your lap. Getting rid of the highchair might create enough space at the table. Part of Christmas is being a bit squashed.

[upduffedsecret]

I've told my partner he needs to check again if they're actually prepared for us all. I honestly get the feeling they'd rather we didn't but they know he won't go without us.

[Iggi999]

I don't think the Santa thing needs to be about your ds being "right" and the others "wrong" - can you not phrase it all as beliefs. So, we don't celebrate Eid because it's not out belief, not because it's wrong/incorrect etc. The other children are likely to have their own solution if he "lets slip" as you put it - "x doesn't believe in Santa, so he doesn't get presents, but I do believe so I get presents!"
The table issue - a fold up camping/garden table would cost what, a tenner?
I would absolutely go round for a meal to celebrate Eid, Diwali or the Solstice with a friend/partner, I wouldn't feel that compromised my beliefs unless perhaps I was made to pray - and let's face it, how many Christmas celebrations involve prayer these days!

[upduffedsecret]

ummm... I've never told him that they are wrong, just that they believe it where we don't and that he'd be very rude to tell them that what they believe in is wrong. He accepts it.

I'll suggest a camping table to them when I get the chance.

[Iggi999]

Having re-read your posts I can see that