What do you DO on Christmas Day?(42 Posts)
I've never had nice Christmas Days due to family awfulness, but this year I want to schedule in some nice moments to break up a bloody awful day.
It will be my parents, me and my little boy.
For the last 3 Christmases it's been everyone sit in silence and watch boy open presents and tut at how many I've given him. Then boy cries then everyone sits in silence staring at each other making tense polite conversation and I go cry in the loo, miss my sister and husband and wish I'd never been born.
I cannot do this again!!!
Am thinking small traditions and stuff we have to DO rather than sit staring...
Let me learn from your Christmas days please!
I wish! They live 250 miles away so it's all or nothing which is a damned shame! They'll be here from the 23rd -27th. Hell. On. Earth. Trying to book them into nearby hotel as it will get nasty very quickly in my one bed flat...
Right some brill ideas...
Christmas hat/ crown making.
Under the bed store of loveliness for after hours fun with ds.
Jigsaw good idea, my mother will refuse to play any board game (don't know why, always has done) ... But helping with a jigsaw I think she d do.
In under bed store will be something alcoholic for me to toast self for surviving day!
Just trying to think what they can do whilst I have a rest... They tend to sit in silence listening intently for any sign of stirring from me ... Which tbh freaks me out and makes me feel v trapped and guilted into not resting.
Fuck it last moan coming up! Unsound like a right old misery guts... I only really say this stuff on mumsnet, sorry you guys get it all!
soundeven I'm not penalising my parents for showing grief, i wish i was as that eould be an easy fix!
I'm dreading the way everything lands on me and Christmas intensifies the scapegoating & awfulness of it. I was def botn into the wrong family... They want to do the tense brit sulent thing where every tiny action is scrutinised abd carries a thousabd meanings... 'pass the sugar' means so much cia tone etc. i am more if a s european out pouring type of person where i cant stop self crying and have the urge to talk about everything...
They won't talk or see my illness as it reminds them of my sister... To the point where last visit they turned my own carers away from my door as they were 'too embarassed' yet refused to help me instead. My mother now refuses to talk to an old family friend as when my parents refused to help when everything was falling apart, this friend stepped in and was an absolute saint. I'd literally be dead if it was t for her, but my mother sees this as a deep betrayal.
They hate anything that remind them of what they lost so take it out on me, I have to pretend not to be disabled when they're near me which is bloody hard as errr, I am. I doubt they'll walk next to my mobility scooter as the shame would be too much. Ro top it off they sense weakness and really puts the boot in if they see I've been crying, so very hard situation. My father tries to borrow money off me every chance he gets, and they both to for months without even speaking to me whilst pretending to neighbours that they're oh so involved and put upon because I am ill.
Most of the time I can try and be the adult and although I can never forgive them for what they do, I can understand that they are weak and broken people ill equipped for the trauma they've had. I'd love not to see them at christmas as its so painful and so nasty but I feel I have to, to do my duty and to Do what my sister would have wanted. I owe her that. Hopefully give my ds some nice memories of his gp as well as long as I can feel strong enough to play act ok...
It's got to be better than last year as its in my home this time and all you're helpful ideas are going to change the dynamics just a tiny bit so I can cope better...
Yours is a painful reminder of why xmas is so painful for many of us who have suffered loss.
Loosing immediate family member's is so hard, I have lost two, and one still here who is also very hard to handle.
I totally understand your feeling the need to have them with you, I am going through the same thing right now, either leave a relative alone at xmas or put myself and my family through a stressful difficult time.
You just sound so hopeful and up beat, and wonderful really, after everything that has happened, and it seems a shame that this wonderful attitude which will guarantee your little boy a wonderful xmas is in jeopardy from your very strange sounding parents...who can't process their emotions.
Anyway, I have found playing games is helpful when people are hard to talk too or can bring conversation down, would they play some word type games, guessing games and the like.....
Can you move them to for the sake of your son?
Thank you and sorry you are in a position to relate
Am wondering if I could somehow ask my mother to think of something special that she can do with ds as a new kind of tradition just between ds and her... The specialness may appeal. Has the capacity to go horribly wrong though!
Would she sit and watch a DVD with him while you have a nap?
God, that just sounds so bloody awful!
I know we've been over this before, but no parents and agency carers sounds like such a more pleasant experience. I think you are a better person than me to still be thinking about doing your duty towards people who behave like that to you. I don't think you should feel guilty for refusing to have every christmas ruined.
No idea if this is the sort of answer you're looking for but there are lots of tips above for getting through the day. How about after Christmas day itself you have another one with just you son. Maybe keep some presents back for it, even just a dvd or something then you and ds can watch it together and eat some goodies.
That's a good idea, am wondering if I can make it a special day, like twelfth night or something? Don't want it to be interpreted as a 'hurray they've gone', mind you I guess there's no one there to see as ds still too little to think about stuff like that. My guilty conscience!
I've decided to do a 'make a bauble' craft thing on xmas day... get a set of polystyrene balls (cheap on amazon!) then glue bits of the wrapping paper on them so making a ball specific to that Christmas day... Also is cheap
Am going to have to search out some films that are unlikely to be on tv so i can have snuggle time with ds over the stay.
This thread has been so helpful for to get me really thinking about what makes Christmas so awful... Beyond the emotional stuff.
One of those things is that my parents tend to be tired so use up all the quiet time activities and ds patience for sitting being stared at. So when I am on duty (vs resting and pacing), I have to do all the energetic things which end up causing me pain / injury, like active playing to let off ds steam.
Soooo any ideas what I can do with a 3yr old that i can do from lying down / on sofa, but will tire him out?
I think the best I can do with the problem of the hours I need to rest in the day is to suggest they do a jigsaw w ds, and then have a film to put on, from ds stocking, or time it so there is some great film on tv that is a treat...
But that leaves me without the 'film & cuddle' moment later as ds will be bored of watching tv by then. Bit frustrating really.
Do you know any good Christmassy films for 3.5 yr olds that are less popular so won't be repeating stuff he will already see on tv?
Toy Story is fab, any of the three. As for games from the sofa how about Simon Says, or a solo version of that game I can't remember withthe coloured spots on the mat and you have to put your left foot on a blue spot. Yes, Twister, I think? or troll may I cross your bridge? only if you are wearing blue.. or some sort of mad dancing to music and you mark him, musical statues, musical bumps. He won't mind that it is only him as you are giving him all your attention. You could get your dad to turn the music on and off. Or get your lad to make a rum kit form pans and bxes and things he can find, then play it to you and you have to guess the song, or you tell him the song to play and sing while he belts it out on your pan set.
Can you limit your parents visit to three hours twice by saying that you and your son will need to have a rest in between and you don't want them to get bored. They really might enjoy not being there for some of the time, but not want to suggest it.
Or wrapping paper baseball. I have just invented it. You both screw up the wrapping paper into balls, then you bowl from the sofa and he has to hit them with something like a rolled up newspaper and see if, or how far he can hit them or something. Then he plays sheepdog 'fetch' and brings them all back to you to throw away or start again.
You don't have to do this you know. Your sister wouldn't want you to suffer for her I'm sure. Tell them you're not up to it this year. Have a quiet time with DS.
Can't believe they don't help you because they're embarrassed of your disability. That is so . Makes me angry for you.
Tell them not to come.
Would some Christmas music make things seem less awkward? I have loads, from Slade to the Motown Christmas album, Sinatra, the Weinachts Oratorio and Hely-Hutchison's Christmas Symphony.
could you go to church? I am a confirmed atheist, and I strongly suspect that our Canon is aware of this, but the kids love church at christmas, and so we go. I'm happy to go and have a sing, and keep my thoughts to myself during the prayers.
Yes you could try and appeal to something within her....
DS loves you so much and has been talking about playing such and such, I thought it might be nice for xmas day...
after all, you only get one childhood, we must make it special for him....and I know you will.....
appeal to a higher and better nature.....
just googled some xmas bauble ideas....what an amazing idea....love them am getting some also....
whodunnits, idea is pretty good isnt it, for tiring ds out....and i am sure he will love that.
do you have a freeview box?
we still have films on ours from last year...they are great then you dont need to worry about how and what why on films...and have plenty on there to show him.
I'm liking paper baseball!
Double, your parents sound absolutely poisonous. I was making allowances for them (at a stretch) until I came to the part about turning your carers away
Any chance of them going to pub for a couple of hours before lunch? It's a Christmas tradition, and we could hope they'll be sozzled and go to sleep for most of the afternoon.
I also second 'hunt Rudolf's present', a second Christmas with DS, and roping your parents in to take DS out for an hour. Do you have a playground nearby, where all they'd have to do is push him on swings and stop him eating the sand?
A dance video or game might be good for letting him show off and wear himself out; I'm assuming your parents wouldn't actually join in but you can make them clap along, cheer, sing, etc.
Basically, the more you can get everyone's focus on your son, the better it'll be for him and the less 'staring' for you.
Would your DS be up to a puppet theatre kind of performance?
My DS used to make characters and stick them to ice lolly sticks, then perform from behind the sofa. His rendition of the Gruffalo was a HUGE hit and it was amazing to hear him do the different voices. I had to sit on the sofa and watch and clap. DS drew all the characters on paper, coloured them in and cut them out but I'm sure there are printable sheets you could use. Or finger puppets. Follow it with a DVD of the Gruffalo and show him how clever he's been at remembering the story?
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