Christmas......and the in laws - do you get rail roaded?

[Spirit72]

I'm sure this is a very emotive topic but one that we struggle with and this year I can feel it heating up.

My inlaws are extremely controlling eg threw a strop when we got married (paid for ourself) we had 50 guests and 'only' let them have 10 friends. Threw a strop when my husband asked if they'd mind not coming to stay over the first day I came out of hospital. Demanded we went on holiday with them etc etc, I'm sure you get the picture. My husband is not close to them and they live 200miles away (and they also have another sibling).

If I weren't a strong person I think we would have been walked all over. Last Christmas was an awful for time for personal reasons I won't bore you with, we spent it alone with our 2 children. I have always seen my parents, who live locally, on Christmas day. This year we want to spend it with my parents and my husband is fully supportive and also wants to do this. The problem is we are made to feel bad even though my husband has told them we are not spending it with them. He gets pressure from his Dad ringing him at the office, she has a face on and I'm finding it so so stressful. There are severals reasons we don't want to spend it with them eg it would involve them staying over before and after due to distance, it would mean I wouldn't see my parents as the two don't get on. I would have my whole Christmas spoilt by their controlling and it is all for show, like we are trophys. They have another son, they have lots of family including their mother is still alive (my husbands Nanna).

They are due to visit us soon and I know it's going to come up and when I'm not there they will corner my husband. I know this may sound selfish but I just want to do what I want to do this year, no stress, no house guests and to put behind an awful year. When they choose they go on a cruise for Xmas without a mention so it's not like it's expected or they consider us.

My husband has little time for them but I'm worried it will come between us. Our marriage is fragile as it is and I am sick of tired of their controlling ways.

Out of interest this happens over numerous things, not just Christmas and each time I end up getting to stressed. Why oh why are they only interested themselves and not us?

Can anyone shed any advice or relate to this? Thanks

[HappyCamel]

Can you be brutally honest? "We really don't want to, we find it quite stressful because you are so insistent and that makes us want to go less, not more".

[Spirit72]

HappyCamel that actually is a good way of putting it......if only they would ask me face to face rather than corner my husband when he's alone.

In the past they have rung and 'advised' us that WE would be eating in the evening (we always have xmas dinner around 2pm) and they would come up in the morning before we ate. When we said no we're eating at lunchtime they then say we'll come in the evening.

Funnily enough I've just had this conversation with my Mum on the phone and she says as long as it doesn't come between my husband and I - it's a nightmare!

But thanks for your words, I'll type them into my phone to remember!

[ChipsnCheese]

feel your pain!

Whatever happens, it's important for you and DH to have an agreed approach beforehand. If you can't think up an agreeable compromise beforehand, if he gets cornered, he needs to say that you and he need to discuss plans before they get an answer. He should certainly not give an answer there and then even if he's feeling the pressure from them. (And afterwards it's important that he doesn't blame you if it's nmot an answer they're happy with)

You could also speak to their other son to make sure they have plans at christmas and can maybe come to you (and stay in a b&b) a few days after?

Try to get it sorted out and agreed. You don't want it to ruin Nov & dec, as well as christmas!

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

They sound just like my inlaws! Last year was DD's first Christmas and it was special to me for me, DH and DD to spend at least Christmas eve alone as a family but we got railroaded into spending every waking moment of Christmas with them and it was absolutely horrendous with lots of arguments, inlaws were roaring drunk and completely controlling of DD who was 5 months old. I still fume about it now. This year DH and I have decided we will only be having Christmas day dinner with them and that is it. Inlaws are not yet aware of this...we will drop that bombshell nearer the time!

OP, be strong and put your foot down. I wish I had done this last year and definitely will be this year. Have the Christmas you want. At least yours are 200 miles away, mine are a 10 min drive away!!

[Spirit72]

It's terrible isn't it that you have to start worrying now - TimothyClaypoleLover you're right, lets not spoil Nov and Dec aswell!

My brotherinlaw is actually visiting them this week so I'm sure a quick text for a 'heads up' on the situation could be beneficial before we see them. However your 10mins down the road comment....my parents live 5mins down the road so I'm sure that is a bone of contention for them whereas my husband adores my parents and once said he see's them as great friends rather than family.

I need to reherse my speech!!

[girlywhirly]

Is there any way that you can foil the ILS attempts to call DH at work? Could he have caller I.D. on a direct line so that he can choose whether to answer, or an answering machine? Get someone else to answer for him and take a message? Get someone to pretend they are his boss and tell them personal calls are no longer permitted on work phones, due to blocking important business calls, meaning they have to call his mobile and suffer voicemail until he is ready to speak to them?

A good way of putting off giving a definitive answer, is to say he needs to discuss it with you first, then say the same thing again, and if still being pressed say he'll let them know and hang up. Then when you have made a decision, just say it, no need to explain or make excuses, just say the decision is made and change the subject. Repeat as necessary.

[oldraver]

Timothy why do you even have to go for D dinner if it stresses you so much ? Make you own as stress free as possible with your DD and DH