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dd1 4 has always been the apple of every ones eye, or the golden child, of my family and is therefore v spoilt, but lately her behavior has been getting worse and worse.
today we were walking to her nan's where she has her sunday lunch and she was pushing her wooden dog toy along when all of a sudden she screamed and started smashing the toy up on the side of the road!
i asked why why she told me she hated the toy it was stupid and she is glad that she broke it!
as her punishment i told her we were going home she wouldnt be going to her nan's that day but that just seemed to make things worse!
she is not sorry at all for what she did to the toy or telling me she hated me, or slamming all the doors on her way back in the house
her punishment i have decided is that she has lost all priveledges, her tv, dvd, cd player have been taken out of bedroom and there is tv or access to laptop, ds and wii untill i believe she is suitably sorry!
when i went to check on her and see what she wanted for lunch she told me she smashed up her toy because she angry with it and she also angry with me!!!!
i know that this punishment sounds extreme but i have had it up to here with her behavior, she is constantly answering back and just blatently ignoring me, telling me she never gets anything and her cousin has loads of good toys and she gets nothing, she is prone to violence towards me, is constantly in a temper at something .... the list could go on..she is just generally ferral!!!!
i know my punishment seems a bit ott but really dont know what else to do her behavior needs to calm down before she hurts herself or some one else!
does any one have any suggestions or has had similar experiences with wild uncontrolable children?
I think your first sentence says it all tbh . She has to much and does n't appreciate it. Taking away her privileges is oen thing but unless he perceives them as such it doesn't really mean much. I'd suggest you make a chart or incentive scheme for her to earn back the things she normally has free access to with good, preferably unprompted, behaviour. But that assumes she really does appreciate them and feels it is worthwhile.
yeah i know that as i said i am aware that she is v spoilt, increasinlgy so lately, the tv and ds were x mas pressies (seperate years tv 3rd xmas ds 4th xmas) dvd player is my old one and laptop is mine but she has unlimited access really and wii is her dads but same with the access to laptop really!!
my problem is how do i change this pattern now that it has started? i need to get her to calm down and be more appreciative of what she has and less tempremental and violent
She sounds very frustrated and angry. Maybe cuddles and trying to get her to explain her feelings would help more than punishments? I'm sure kids go barmy on electronic overload so agree about having too much.
we do stuff together yes, i take her dancing 3 times a week and we do baking and learning and reading which she really seems to enjoy and is v well behaved when doing those but obv i cant occupy her 24/7 esp since i now have dd2!!
i have thought about reward charts we had one for the tv once but that was to do with her getting up in the middle of the night screaming and crying for no apparent reason and demanding that she be read stories or watch tv
it worked for that if she had two consecutive bad marks the tv would go and she would need to be good four nights in a row to get tv back she seemed to calm down after about two weeks
might go buy a reward chart tommorrow or we could make one together maybe
thing is i dont know if she does appreciate these things enough to want them back, she appears to think her grandad will fix her dog toy therefore there is nothing wrong, so wont she just expect that some one will rescue her and get her new things?
Speaking in very general terms: take away the electrical toys out of her bedroom, replace them with a one to one bedtime story. Give her plenty of attention that doesn't involve things. And plenty of physical exercise (and I don't mean the wii) to wear her out. A daily routine that you stick to. And be consistent with discipline.
yes, she will expect someone to rescue her and get new things, because that has always been the pattern.
I think you've got a handle on what you need to do and I see that you're being sensitive to her being displaced a bit with the second child. She is coming to terms with (and being angry with) not being the only child in the world.
How old is dd2? How does dd1 feel about her? Totally agree that you can't occupy her 24/7 btw. Don't get the dog fixed. I mend toys that get broken by accident. If they are wilfully trashed than that's the end of them and no replacement.
yeah she likes tracey baeker i think she has a dvd on it but tbh she isnt really into kids tv she prefers dr who, torchwood and how clean is your house?
atm she watches baby tv a lot through the day as she claims she is teaching dd2 things!
but a lot of the time she is playing cbeebies or learning games on the laptop.
i know it sounds like she is just plonked in front of a video game or the tv most of the day but it really isnt like that!! she gets heaps of attention and has stories read every night, at least two before bed and she sits in on dd2 bedtime stories too so its more like four, i have already said about the dancing she does and the baking and stuff we do
we are starting a routine and hopefully that will help?!
Definitely get rid of the tv in her bedroom. Dr who and torchwood are not suitable for her age, and are on too late in any case.
Yes, a routine will help, but you hjave to stick to it - a set bedtime with absolutely no tv or music afterwards. And she stays in her bed the whole night.
I'd knock Tracey Beaker on the head STRAIGHT way! I don't like my ten-year old watching it. It may have an underlying message but it just seems like the whole programme is shouting and rudeness to me
No way does dog get repaired ! If you think she would like it , then ask grandpa to do so as a surprise only when she has gone through a long phase of good behaviour, but definitely not short term in response to her destructiveness. Agree take all these things away, you may find she is not even that bothered by losing them as to be demanding them back in a week or so. She may be angry as she has lost exclusive rights to you and dh , by arrival of dd2, which is natural but you can't allow your sympathy for that to cloud your reaction to her outbursts. fidn some other outlet for her frustrations , a bean bag in a quiet area perhaps, or you may find it escalating more directly towards dd2 even if she isn't seemingly the trigger now.
yeah the grandparents undermine, i.e. when she is told she must leave their house due to naughtiness my mum goes in a mood with me and my dad and dd1 lock themselves in the bathroom together!!!
she is great with dd2, 11 months, she is like a little mother hen have never thought that she could be angry about her! i ask all the time if she loves her and likes having her here and she always says yes!
but she can be a bit jelous if she gets any outside attention, she is fine with her being with me or dp but not so much when its her grandparents, she is never nasty about it but just pushes herself in so that she is the one getting the attention
micci25, I feel very sorry for you, but tbh, I feel even more sorry for your dd.
I agree with everything that has been said already. Sorry if this seems harsh, but she sounds overtired, overindulged and overwhelmed.
She needs your time, your attention, and firm boundaries and consistancy.
Do you think she feels that all the toys and gadgets are a substitute for attention? IME 4 yr olds are quite perceptive.
Perhaps you could involve her more with the care of her little sister? Perhaps think of things you could all do together? Now the weather is nice there is more scope for trips out to the park etc, and IME all children are better for fresh air and exercise.
Sorry - X posted with your replies. It sounds as if the grandparents are making things worse. Can you limit the time you all spend there? Could she visit them on her own where there isn't the opportunity for undermining? It is very difficult with grandparents sometimes.
of course she says yes, it would be very difficult to express this verbally but she is expressing her jealousy/anger at being displaced in her behaviour.
And it's normal and not to be condemned, she is entitled to feel angry about it. It's too much to expect a child who is indulged and adored to not feel some resentment at having a sibling.
Encourage her to express it, say "yes, it's hard having a sister when you've always had the attention", acknowledge her valid feelings and try and steer the behaviour without making her feel bad.
My Ds is almost 10 and I'm not that keen on him watching Torchwood or Dr Who. I don't think you should be allowing a 4yo to watch such adult themed tv, much of it is violet and you are wondering why she hits you.
The toys gadgets are about the norm now, and can be used in an educational and non head frying potato couch kinda way, my dd loves music, and music channels.
Micci 25, She's trying it on, let her know you are top dog, dont entertain her, take no crap, be precise with your reasoning, no compromising,explain she made the choice to kick off, and every action has a reaction.
She'll eventually cool down, tell her you can shout and scream, call me names, but you are my girl and I love you, now stop acting like a brat, until you decided to behave well, you will be on punishment.
Stay calm, dont let her vex you, you have to remain in control, good luck,
in my defence for the tourchwood/dr who thing she is very old for her age and is more than aware that it is not real and we have sky plus so she is not staying up late to watch them we record them and she has dr who/tourchwood time on a sat night while dp is at the the pub we put dd2 to bed and i have a bottle of wine she has a bottle of schlur which we call her special wine and have a cuddle while watching it. it is like her special time.
her new routine does have park time involved on a sat afternoon, or crafts if the weather isnt good enough
I think you need to spell out a few things to the gps here and try to get them on side. Surely you all want the same thing - a pleasant, happy, well-adjusted little girl? IME the most angry children are those without consistant boundaries and who just don't know what is expected of them. You're the boss here and you need to grab back control and make sure everybody is aware of what is and isn't acceptable. Sorry, this sounds a bit wishy washy, but without knowing the specifics of your family dynamic, I can't be more prescriptive. But I appreciate it's a tough one for you and hope you can resolve it
I think your behavioural problems are coming from the fact your DD has far too many inappropriate 'toys' in her room.
The power of a TV over a child's behaviour cannot be underestimated IMO. TVs/DVDs should not be in young children's rooms in use at bedtimes as they do not allow a child to wind down at night to sleep.
She is definitely watching programmes that aren't suitable for he age. Sounds as though she is up later than she should be too.
At 4yrs of age she should be tucked up in bed by 7pm.
micci25 - just read last post and am shocked about your referral to 'special wine'. It sounds as though you are treating her as a 'pal' rather than a 4 year old child. I really think you should reexamine your parenting strategy or you are going to end up with big trouble on your hands in a few years.
bedtime during the week is 8pm but sat night she gets to stay up till about half nine as she can sleep in sunday morning tv is not allowed after bath time it is there for her to use on a weekend or if i have my sisters here and she needs some space from them
She is 4. She may give the impression of being mature/old for her age, and I have no doubt that she sounds very intelligent. But intelligence and emotional maturity are not the same thing, and I think perhaps you are misjudging her emotional and psychological needs. She is still a four year old girl, and I it sounds as if you might be treating her as if she were much older.
i have never thought about the special wine thing like that but i suppose you are right in a way i probably am a bit too much of a friend to her and not enough of a mum!
have just been to check on her in room and she is all sweetness again now! telling me how pretty i am and how much she loves me but she still hasnt said sorry or explained her behavior any further
well i wouldnt mind knowing why she was angry with the toy? obv this could be tranfernce of anger at something else, we had quite a pleasant morning up untill then though so it cant be anything from this morning, but a person maybe, or situation, maybe even dd2 like was suggested earlier?!
but if she wont tell me why she was feeling angry how will i know what exactly she was angry at?
Sorry but I can't just walk away rom this post without sayig a word and some of you will think it's ott
1. Why are you giving your child a whole bottle of schlouer and saying it's special wine, shes a child fgs she should be having a glass of water/milk before bed and that's it - why not make elderflour juice and say it's gin fgs
2. Torchwood / Doctor Who and all those programmes are made for adults yes a high proportion of children watch it but I would not let a child under 7 watch it whether they were a mature 4, whether it was at 9 am in the morning whatever - it jusn't isn't suitable.
3. She watches tv as I have a younger one to look after - a lot of mums/nannies/dads and other childcare providers manage - I worked as a nanny for a 4 month with reflux a 3 year old and a 6 year old - we watched tv for 10 minutes vefore the school run and then 20 minutes before bed - usually a vbarbie princess/disney film or educational programme - before them all going to bed at 7.
4. 4 yar olds need between 11.5-12 hours sleep a day - what time does she go to bed? Also it's a known fact that electrical equipment in bedrooms can effect sleep patterns etc.
5. Equipment goes - she can have a cd player in her room for story tapes/music cds - she doesn't need a dvd player or tv - and I don't think justifying the fact that she got something for her 3rd birthday - whar ever happened to buying dolls/prams/books/colouring pens rather than technology.
6. You need to be more assertive in your parenting - set out a routine and you stick to it - 7 am everyone up and breakfast - baby sleeeps as and when and that is your spcial time together - go for walks with baby and her - she can push the pram carry the bag, etc pick up leaves, do drawing/read stories whilst feeding the babty, if the baby is whingeing leave he rshe'll be fine for a couple of minutes - carry on with your dd. Bed time routine - tea at 5, followed by bath, quiet time with a childrens dvd for 10 minutes then upto bed for a story - lights out and sleep.
Hope this didn't come across to harsh - but you really need to sort something out now or you are going to have big trouble in the future. xxx
My god she is a child and you are letting her watch adult things with behaviour that is unreasonable for a 4 year old and then you wonder why she behaves like she does - do you not think she sees things trashed on the tv and doesn't have the capacity to understand why - thinks its for no reason and so does it herself - you are confusing her little brain and forcing her to grow up too quickly watching these things - and laptop access for a 4 year old!!
Have you tried telling her that you are going to tell your parents that she has been naughty? That may have an effect but you really need to talk to them anfd tell them that they are behaving irresponsibly undermining your parenting of her.
I wouldn't return the laptop or anything and I would stop the TV shows that are so clearly not meant for small children!
And you may think she is old for her age but it is learned bahviour and her brain does not have the capacity to figure out things that we do associated to feeling and behaviour - she should be guided by you as a parent not as a pal.
no dynamic it didnt come across as harsh as such but i think that you have misunderstood or maybe i havent been clear?
she does not watch her tv on a night its not allowed on after bathtime, which is 7pm, and she is not just plonked in front of the tv all day coz i have dd2 we loads of things together
I have no problem with children playing computer games. Or watching DVDs, as long as you're helping them choose suitable ones
Am also somewhat at torchwood and Dr Who for a 4 year old. Heck, I find Angelina Ballerina a bit high adrenilin for me let alone for a four year old (all that falling out with best friends and making up * shudder *)
As for breaking a toy, I don't see why that merits a punishment, TBH. I'd see it much more as "oh dear, poor dog, you smashed it up. Shall we put it in the rubbish bin here? Or shall we carry it home and see if we can mend it?". It was her dog, not yours, yk? And if a child is going through a somewhat destructive stage for whatever reason, well, that's why God invented charity shops, so we can all buy piles of plastic junk for 50p a throw and not worry about it getting broken. Children learn for themselves about regretting when things they value get broken, they don't need punishing to rub it in IMO
She probably doesn't know what she was angry at. She is 4 - they are not generally that knowledgeable about what makes them cross.
My DS is 4 and doesn't have any of the things your DD has in her room. We have one TV, one DVD player and one not nuch used PS2. DS only watches CBeebies as well.
I really think that taking these things out of your DD's room will help.
She probably doesn't even know what she is angry at anymore.
It could have been that she destroyed the toy because it was what was there at the time. Or maybe it wasn't 'doing' what she wanted it to do.
My dd is 4 & she likes to build things, but they are never easy things that she wants to build. She will get frustrated with what ever she is using & throw it/bash it etc. I gently explain that we don't treat our toys like that & if she is upset with it, she should leave it & go back to it in a few minutes, which she now does.
I think that the other posters are right...your dd is 4 & it sounds like you treat her older than that. And you really need to review what she watches, imo!
I haven't read all of the responses but felt that this is either a complete windup or WAKE UP WOMAN
Hideous, hideous, hideous parenting to give a child all those gadgets at 4 years of age. Try spending time with your DD there is not a mother alive who has not plopped their child in front of a TV to get a break from time to time but all those things in her bedroom.....maybe you could deliver her meals on a tray and have done with it
you will end up with a hideous spoilt little madam if you do not remove all those things from her room....do it now.
off back out to the sun before I say something I would regret
Dr who is watched by younger children though it's scary for some but Torchwood is very adult themed. I don't let my 10 year old watch it to his great annoyance but it isn't appropriate so it's tough luck.
The amount of shloer is totally irrelevant - it's the message she's getting ie I'm being treated like a grown-up friend by mummy, drinking adult drinks and watching adult tv programmes. This is really really unhealthy emotionally for her - she will not be able to cope with this sort of relationship with you as her mother. She is not your friends she is your daughter and she desperately needs you to set some boundaries and manage her emotions and behaviour, and start teaching and helping her to recognise her emotions and manage her own behaviour. There's some good advice on this thread. The problem is your relationship with your child and that needs sorting out fast, or you really are storing up huge problems for later on.Of course she can't explain why she trashed the dog, and she probably isn't sorry - she sounds like a little girl who is very confused about where she fits in and that will come out as anger and bad behaviour.
Poor little mite, being treated like an adult at 4 Let her be a child FGS, I wouldn't let my 7yr old DD watch Torchwood and she loves Dr Who. TV in the bedroom, come on, who are you trying to kid? You know that's awful
Are you sure she isnl;t mature for her age , becasue you wnat ehr to be . You have another "baby" so her role has been displaced and your expectations of her have changed, whetrh consciously or unconsciously. A lot of what you describe is not age appropriate, however mature she seems now in your eyes (bearing in mind she is being compared to your lo) You are encouraging her to be older than her years and she is trying to play along with it, same as she will say she loves her sister unconditionally because she knows that is what you want to hear. The anger could be her way of letting out the mixed feelings and confusion she has about this. tbh I think you need to just let her be her age or even younger, simple crafts, less tv or foucs on under 5's channels, free play with more basic toys to encourage her imagination and vent her frustrations safely if needs be. When she plays with her sister is she in a mother/teacher authority role or playing as an equal. I think that could be quite telling.
Does she get to play with her peers without you ? if so how is she at preschool or whatever ?
Can't believe the way people are focusing on the gadgets & schlur & proceeding then to sweeping generalisations about specific future problems on the basis of a little snapshot picture & episode... Look, at end of the day, she's 4yo, she probably can't identify her ownfeelings, but she is prone to being impulsive (being 4), and she has low ability to be grateful about anything (being 4).
So, er, she's 4!! That's why she smashed the dog and tantrummed afterwards about why shouldn't she do it.
Breaking the dog wouldn't have phased me at all (and I wouldn't fix it). It's her toy to break, no? Make her earn some of her treats/privileges with good behaviour or helping out (chores), if you think her attitude needs improvement. Also, you don't get much in our house without pleases, thank yous and patiently waiting for things...
You dont get it do you . It dosnt matter what time of day she watches TV . Torchwood is not right . On the hopes of not going too far I think you are being an extremly bad parent enchourging (sp) her to watch these programmes .
she has always been mature for her age even before dd2 and dr who!! and yes she has all those electrical things (or she did have they are all in my wardrobe atm, where they are staying for now at least) but she was not using them constantly we do spend time making things and reading etc.
when playing with dd2 she is in mother role usually but has never been encouraged at all to do that, but when she is playing with her younger cousin, she always insists that her cousin be the mother and she be the baby!
she gets on well with peers but likes to play with older children all her friends at dancing are older, aged 6 -8 probably, and she is fine at nursery but was moved to the older group shortly after starting so her friends there were older too however she is now in the highgest group and has been for sometime now so her friends have moved onto reception class and she has made new ones of her own age
i have witnessed some bossiness at nursery, at times when i have been there i.e. tidying up time she was telling every one else what to do but not really doing anything herself
she plays with basic and her favourite game right now is to play 'house' in my hallway, she gets all her toys and teddies in there and usually the dog too!!
micci25 - you have asked for advice - people have given it. You need to change many aspects of your parenting to avoid this kind of behaviour. You have made many mistakes in allowing too much gadgetry and inappropriate tv and people are advising you of this but all you are doing is justifying your behaviour and making excuses.
On the plus side you are spending time on reading and other activities - it's mainly the high tech gadgets and tv content that are at issue.
You need to change or you may end up wondering why she is totally off the rails as a teenager.
sorry, going back to your first post. my child does this, smashes things violently for no apparent reason, it drives me wild. it seems to be frustration more than ay thing, you know, if he cant do something with it, he will throw it or bash it. i take the item off him and traditionally it "goes on top of the fridge" for 24 hours before he gets it back. this really works for us and always has. he hates having stuff taken off him.
he too is 4, perhaps this is just a normal 4 year old thing. i hope so and i think that as he learns to tell me what is bugging him, this will pass. hth
Your DD should not have broken the toy. It should not be fixed and she has been given an appropriate punishment.
You have done the right thing to remove all of the electrical things from her room. My DDs (4 and 1) have the tv on most of the day but it is cbeebies or Nick Junior. we are just graduating to CBBC and Boomerang but I am sky+ the programs and vetting them first. I would not let her watch Torchwood.
She needs to learn how to express herself and watching a program with adult content will show her a violent method.
My DD stayed up last night with me and I painted her nails and we watched Britain's Got Talent. It was a major treat as DH is away. It is not the norm.
It sounds like things have spiralled out of control but you know what needs to be done to fix it. Above all be firm and cosnistent, and give her lots of cuddles.
no i wasnt trying to justify i understand that i have been niave in thinking that all she has wouldnt affect her behavior as much as it has, and i am taking on board peoples comments and didnt really, untill now think that torchwood was so bad, and still dont tbh, but obv other ppl see something i dont.
i dont think it will be a problem stopping her watching that as it is not on tv right now and she doesnt seem to be missing it
what i was trying to do is point out that her whole life does not revolve around gadgets and some ppl seemed to think!
obv i understand that changes need making i wouldnt be asking for advise if i thought that everything i did was right!
i can see that i probably treat her as though she is a lot older than she is and that i need to change that and we had already decided to start a more regimented routine to manage her behavior before this incident happened, however this was put on hold when she fractured her gum a couple of days ago and needed a bit of tlc and cuddles rather than contsant stimulation
we did have set wake up times, meal times, and bed times before this but it was inbetween these times that we didnt
bit harsh sorry but this is really annoying me . Sorry . Anyway moving on . Look 4 is such a lovely ans sweet age let her be 4 and enjoy every minute of it . You wont get these years back again so make her a sweet four year old again and enjoy.
No matter how "mature" you think your DD is, the fact of the matter is she is 4 years old, barely out of toddlerhood!!! She needs fresh air and good old fashioned imaginative play. She also needs boundaries and consistency to allow for her social, emotional and behavioral development. What she doesn't need is hugely overstimulating and inappropriate tv shows, every new gadget under the sun and fake wine with mummy. You youself said she only has a glass of it and often doesn't finish it. So she's obviously not enjoying it! Give her chocolate milkshake or something like that for a treat! You're her mother not her friend, you're there to guide and direct her appropriately for her age. If she was 14 I wouldn't be so riled up, but she's only 4 for goodness sake. All you're doing is skipping ten years of her childhood. A crime IMHO as childhood is short enough as it is.
i actually honestly had not noticed that the swearing in in that was to that extent but as i said in my last post she is not watching this atm as it is not on tv and i she wont be watching it when it does come back on!
i didnt come on to ask about what tv she should be watching or not watching, and yes i understand that tv does have an impact on her behavior, but torchwood is not on now and hasnt been on for weeks but she is still a brat, so this obv was not the only thing influencing her behavior! and icidentily swearing is one thing that she does not do!
i came on here for practical advise about managing her behavior and i am listening to what is being said on here
am off to cash point so wont be posting for a while but will be back on in a bit to see if there is anything else being suggested!
apart from torchwood of course, point taken, and she will not be watching it any more
What about the death by orgasm episode, or the one where the peadophile was killed by the little girl's fairies by suffocating him with flowers? Or the alien ripping out of the stomach, or the whole village of the dead that trapped the gang in that house, or or, god there are so many of them that are quite horror-like and violent in their content
Fair enough . But can I add Tracey Beaker to that list as well . LOL The years will pass soon enough enjoy them . Take her to the cash point with you and her dolly buggy as well .
Glad she won't be watching that again, but really hope some of the advice here is helpful with her behaviour, though sometimes four year olds do behave badly and smash things as just because they are four!
If I were you I would tell her that a few things are going to change and then change them. You've already had lots of great advice here, so won't repeat. It might be difficult at first but will be worth putting up with a few tantrums for getting your 4 year old back. My 9yr old not allowed to watch Torchwood! Please don't expose her to scary adult world yet. Best of luck
As I said before, you need to set some rules, stick to them, be consistent and let her know that there will be cosnequences to negative behaviour and lots of praise for positive behaviour.
Reward her with age appropriate treats like a bar of choc or a trip to the park. Discipline her by removing a toy or withdrawing an outing. Try and have some time with just her and you, DH could have DC2 and vise versa and she should have Daddy time too.
She may be unsettled as she has lost lots of nursery friends not long after she had a new baby in the house. This can take time to recover from so she just needs reminding how to be 4 again.
Does she have any dressing up stuff? This is my DD1 (4) favourite play stuff at the moment.
well been to cashpoint is not v far away, no buggy she didnt want it and no dolly she prefers her bunny teddy right now, who did come with us
pmsl at time with dp, chance would be a fine thing, although tbf he did play footy with her on the street the other day!
yeah she has loads of dressing clothes i cant count how many times she has been to tesco as a fairy or mermaid!!!
i dont think i have seen the peadophile ep of torchwood or the others we only started watching it this series and i think i missed a few so maybe the ones i did see were less violent! i certainly wouldnt let her watch anything about peadophiles
going to start our more planned routine tommorrow so hopefully she will respond to that
my dd is four too... i think the punishment was fair...i don't like my children to damage anything...it shows to me a real lack of respect for their posessions....an easy come easy go type attitude...
my little girls loves to do lots of nice things with me or her dad....making cakes is about top of the list...(the packet ones are cool and very quick to make..come with all the sparkles and topper bits) she loves to play pretend and she loves to dress up.....
how about inviting a friend over from nursery? how about the park? planting things in the garden, or in pots? going to the library etc?
i think that sometimes its easy to see how we enable our children to become the boss...we adore them so much, we want them to be happy etc, and so we give in to their whims on a regular basis and they feel that power, and like to be in control, and very quickly learn how to make you jump!
you need to take control of the reins again and become the parent....
tell her, no, we're not doing that any more, maybe when you're a bigger girl.....if she doesn't like it, fine, allow her to be angry..there must be some transition phase allowed, but stay firm on what you believe to be important things.
explain things to her in an age appropriate way.....tell her you were very sad when she broke her dog, because you thought you were having a nice walk, and you don't know why she got so cross... then tell her that she must learn that its not nice to break things, and that is why you took her stuff from her bedroom.... (although, actually, its probablty too late now to do all that...should be straight after the event)
not really sure why i'm rambling on... i feel a bit sad that your little girl seems to be a little lady too soon....i'm sure with a bit of perseverence, you can turn it around and get your sweet 4 year old back on side.
ok have done a search and you're not a first time poster, so am assuming you're not a troll...
When you say that she is mature for her age, what do you mean exactly? What, to you, constitutes maturity? You say she plays house and plays with teddies etc, she had a tantrum and smashed up a toy, none of these point to a very mature child imo, they all point to a normal 4 year old who is exhibiting normal 4 year old behavior. So could it just be that you want her to be more mature than she is? Do you find it harder to relate to younger children (it's nothing to be ashamed of, lots of people find it difficult) and therefore you want to do the more grown-up things that you had always hoped to do with your daughter?
It doesn't matter whether she watches unlimited television in her bedroom. What matters is that she has a television in her bedroom, that she received a television as a christmas present when she was just three a time when she should have been given dolls and games and puzzles. She has every gadget she could possibly want, and I imagine she has some toys in there as well? so what's left? If she has all this at age 4 what is she going to have for her 5th birthday? or 6th or 8th? You've given her everything, what is left for her to have? What is left for her to want? to look forward to getting? She is a spoiled brat because that is the way she has been raised.
The content of what she watches on television is extremely relevant. It doesn't matter that she hasn't watched torchwood for a while, the images will have been imprinted on her mind. she may not appear to remember but trust me she will.
She will be starting school in September I assume? Well she will find it extremely difficult if you don't stop treating her like a minni adult and start treating her like a child. Also you need to bring her bed time forward by at least an hour, because if you don't she will be exhausted when she starts school, and that will just exaserbate her behaviour more.
yes she will be starting school, when i say she is mature i mean that she has understanding of things that most kids her own age dont (not because of torchwood she was like that before)
i dont know if it has been caused by me apart from the torchwood thing i cant think of anything else that i have done that would have made her this way!
she has little interest in playing with kids her own age when given the choice she plays with older children
she is a very quick learner and very keen to learn and seems to understand adult feelings too! she is also very adamant that she can look after herself and is wondering when she will be old enough to stay at home and 'babysit' dd2?
i do encourage her to play with dolls and play pretend but i am always getting told off by her coz i dont look after my 'baby' properly because i forget to check weather its pretend food is too hot my baby then has to be rushed to hospital!!!
I'm very glad you're knocking Torchwood on the head Micci. A programme involving death and murder is not suitable for a four year old.
I think she's misbehaving because she isn't as mature as you think. She may be feeling pressured by all the time she spends with older children. I'm a bit shocked at her having tv time if she 'needs a break' from her aunts visiting.
I think cutting out tv etc is a very good thing. She isn't going ot be able to say exactly why she smashed her toy up because she's only four and may not understand why she did it, nor be able to articulate the reason.
I think she needs to spend more time with her peers and more time playing on her own. She might be a bit overstimulated.
agre going back to basics is a really good idea.. and stop treating her like an equal. she is 4. enjoy her babyhood, sit and play pretend tea parties with her, rather than pretend wine drinking... she will be so much better for being able to act her age !
no its not her aunts that visit i look after my sisters two dc's sometimes and it can get a bit chaotic here when there are four of them dd1 sometimes leaves the noise behind, her internet access is limited to cbeebies website she has her own username on the laptop and that is the only site that is allowed on her name
also i have never and would never call her a brat or anything else degoratory to her face, apart from when she asks me if she is like a brat in refernece to bratz whch is another kids programme she likes although probably not aimed at kids as young as four!!
have decided tv (in her room or otherwise) is one of her priveleges she is going to have to earn back by behaving better and tv time will be changed to free time in her routine, no tv or laptop access (apart from when doing learning time with me) untill she has earned them
Blimey, my dd is the same age as yours and has none of the things yours does or watches any of the programmes yours does. Personally I would not return any of the stuff and go back to stuff suitable on tv for a 4 year old.
I think you're choosing some good ideas from this thread and I respect you for doing that without getting heated in your posts. I hope you don't feel upset by some of the harsher comments.
i think you have placed to much emphasis yourself on the importance of the gadgets!! As you said somewhere she didn't see mto notice.
I remember my dd suddenly 'changing' and me having to re-assess my parenting, at about 4 yrs.
Its good that she has done a normal 4 yr pld thing, ie having a tantrum over 'whatever', becuas eit has made you wish to address the whole relationship.
Perhpas she was just showing her lack of abiltiy to be this grown up 4 yr od, and desp needed to have a paddy over nothing.
You have to move on form it, don't question it, and thank god she is still 'young'.!!
I get the impression that her opinion is being sought too much. You are the adult and therefore you should say what is to happen, not her.
Try to pick your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't let her wind you up. So, e.g. if she says she hates you, your answer should be 'that's a shame, cos I love you'. Then ignore - end of subject. No need for apologies. If you can be consistent about not getting drawn in to debate she won't be rewarded by negative attention.
I am appalled that your dad hid with your dd in the bathroom. That is deliberately undermining your authority. Can you talk to your parents about this? Even if they don't agree with your discipline they should back you up at the time and discuss it with you later, not encourage your dd to defy you. No wonder the poor child is hard to discipline.
And of course I agree with everyone else. The only electrical equipment in her bedroom is something she can play story Cds on. Do not return her TV etc.
Good luck. It will take time and effort for boundaries to be established, but will be worth it in the end.
Oh, and drinking Shloer before bed is really bad for her teeth. The sugars soften the enamel and brushing then wears it down. So you have a very good reason (to keep your teeth healthy and your lovely smile)for giving milk instead.
Children get naughty and frustrated when they are confused - do you think by treating her as such a grown up her little brain probably is confused and so she acts as she thinks you would want her to or as she has seen on TV because she is just not advanced enough to know the proper behaviour for that situation and so just lashes out!
I would just like to add that TV has an enormous effect on people (I am talking about adults here). Researchs have actually showned that watching violence on TV increases the aggresivity on people. Seing people reacting with swearing and by hitting someone else also sort of validate that it is OK to do so in RL.
Now if you transfer that for young children what does it mean? That watching a soap like Emmerdale, Coronation Street etc.. will in some way make it OK for them to scream and shout when things are not going the way they want. So be very carefull with what she watches on TV.
I know what you mean about her being 'mature' because I was like that and in some way ds1 is like that too. But it doesn't mean she is ready to watch adult TV (soaps, the news are all adult TV as far as I am concerned). I found that what is working well is to read him books that are 'over his age' ie books explaining thngs (how is the body working, about animals like owls etc...) and stories that are more complicated in their story lines/length. I also explain a lot (if she is mature enough to understand adult feelongs then she will understand that something is making you upset/worried etc..) and it works much much better than punishment. Again this is my experience as a child and with ds1. With 'mature/clever' children, punishment does not work because they are able to see through it.Explaination works much better as long as it is a real explaination and it makes sense.
Good luck and well done for trying to change your parenting style. It is a very hard thing to do!
It sounds to me like you have made a kind of mistake that an aquaintance of mine has. When she had her ds her dd was under 2, when her ds got to the same age she was always telling us that he was still a baby and I asked her once if she ever thought about how young her dd was and how much was expected of her when her brother came along? She said she had but realised that her dd was far more grown up than her ds was. The difference? Her dd was a better speaker younger than her ds was which gave her the appearance of being more grown up where in reality inside she was still a small child of less than 2 that had far too much expected of her. Now she is a bossy, opnionated (with grown up ideas) 4 year old that in all honest few parents want to encourage their child to play with.
I think that keeping the technology out of the bedroom is a good thing, apart from being too big a distraction it is setting you up for years to come her expectations for gifts will just get bigger and bigger, I will bet that her DS was not her only present that christmas so it amount to a hell of a lot of money so what do you get next year?
It is hard when you have this walking talking facntastic little person in front of you to remember they are only 4 and that 4 year olds are not little adults they don't have the same reasoning and emotions as us and look for us as parents for so much guidance in this.
You've had your kicking (an over-reaction in true MN stylee), so I'll add this.
You are the boss over your daughter. Not your mum, not your dad, and not herself. You.
If your parents undermine your authority - stop taking her round there until they promise not to.
If she has a hissy fit and wants to be treated like a grown up, you say this....
No.
Can I watch Torchwood? No. Can I play on the laptop? No. Are you going to mend my toy I broke? No.
Ask all her peers' parents what they do and what they are allowed to watch. Do that. Find the middle ground.
I don't even let my 5 year old watch Spiderman!
Your daughter is mature but that doesn't mean this should be encouraged. Would you buy her a push up bra at 8? What about if all her friends had one (because they're all older)? What about if she was crying? W
