Mumsnet members get a 10% discount from Boden (including free returns and free delivery), The White Company, sweaty Betty, Luxury Family Hotels, JoJo Maman Bebe, Siblu, Blooming Marvellous, GLTC, Bump to 3 (the official online shop for Grobags) and more. Click here for more info Join mumsnet here.
My ds is almost 9 and has always been quite a character. I would describe him as lively and quite boisterous, really a typical lad i suppose.
I would say we have spoilt him a lot really and perhaps not always been consistent with discipline, although we are not complete pushovers.
Generally, at home he is fine, although we do tend to have to repeat ourselves when asking him to do things. Its almost that he does stuff we he fancies it rather than when we tell him sometimes.
The main problem though is school. Lately he has been repeatedly in trouble for certain things. Mainly being slightly disruptive as in talking in class and having to be separated. We have not been unduly worried about this. Also he seems to be hanging around with a couple of trouble makers and doing stuff he shouldnt, calling kids names, wandering into the infant playground, chucking paper towels around the loo etc. Again, i wouldnt be that worried, except for the fact he has been called into see the head teacher almost every wk. We go through his silly behaviour and how we are not happy and that he must stay out of trouble only for him to do the same thing within a few days.
Im at my wits end. We ahve taken almost everything off him. TV etc and it doesnt seem to be sinking in. Im also aware that he will soon have nothing left to work towards as he has no sigans of getting stuff back
The final straw was last wk when the head said maybe i should see the GP TO rule out a behaviour problem as he does not seem to be learning from his mistakes at all.
This has really upset me. Does anyone have any thoughts. Does he sound like he is is being naughty or have a problem. It really is making me feel ill as i always though he was just a very silly boy, nothing more.
He sounds like a silly boy tbh. How smart is he? Is he bored? Is he being challenged at school? alot of it sounds like boredom, as well as getting in with the wrong crowd.
I think it would be useful to show him that you are on his side - still punish him, there needs to be consequences. But if you have an inkling that he is not being challenged, then you shoudl support him by pushing the school to challenge him apprpriately.
And regarding seeing the GP to rule out behaviour problems - that just seems to be the answer to everything today. Oh, he's misbehaving, so you should see the GP in case he has some obscurely named, recently created syndrome of some sort. It might be worth talking to some other mums of 9 year olds in RL to understand how he compares - then take it from there. It is true that often parents are in denial about something that is right in front of them. But I also think that schools often like to blame the parents or the child for their (inevitable) shortfalls.
Good luck - and keep the positives with him. all negative will indeed end up with a spiral into, 'why bother behaving - it makes no difference anyway' from him
Not sure if it's a 'problem' but from the things you have said I feel that it's not surprising that he is a bit wild. First off, I really don't get the 'typical lad' thing. Boy or girl sometimes they need telling that some things are not good behaviour. Aswell, why are you not 'unduly worried' about him being disruptive in class to the point he keeps being separated? Why are you not worried about him "hanging around with a couple of trouble makers and doing stuff he shouldnt, calling kids names, wandering into the infant playground, chucking paper towels around the loo etc" I would be. Stop taking stuff off him. Find out why he is doing what he does. Talk to the school. They must have some ideas. I would really be on at him to find out what's going on and what he thinks he's doing behaving like this. I would also emphasise that education is for his sake not anyone else's. I would also find out if he is being bullied that he thinks he has to act the big guy. At 9 it might be a bit more than being a 'silly boy' and needs sorting out now.
SanAndreas - you could be talking about my 8yr old DS2.
He has come home on Friday with a behaviour record card, which we have to sign daily. He was sent to the Head on Friday for going through all his chances with his teacher. For morning and afternoon lessons they have to put a comment on how he behaved. After the telling off from the Head his lessons went well, in the afteroon assembly he spoilt himself by talking.
He does things like whistling in class when the teacher is talking. We said to him he should be listening. His answer was I can do both at the same time!
I am a bit concerned that you said several times that you weren't worried about his bad behaviour at school - almost as if you were condoning it(forgive me if I'm wrong) But he's not a baby, and you really need to back the school up on this. It doesnt' sound as if there's anything "wrong" with him, but it does sound as if you need to be a bit firmer and more consistent.
You're not that worried by him throwing paper towels around and going into the infant playground?? I think that's the answer to your problems as I'd be very worried if my kids were behaving like that!
My dp thinks the same as you about the GP, that its easy to blame a behaviour problem these days. I was so mad last wk though after his latest problem at school that i was all for marching him in to see the doctor.
I dont know what to do though. I dont want him to think that it isnt even worth behaving anymore. Every day i say gently 'Please stay out of trouble at school' etc., only to get a phone call at the end of the day. One of the other parents is involved cos my ds has been calling him names and i feel like everyone is talking about us!
He is bright, i think so anyway, but doesnt always apply himself. He is probably just an average student i suppose, but he is so easily distracted.
i have ocassionally wondered myself if he has a problem cos he has a tendency to mess about something rotten, but he can be lovely and often very grown up and sensible. Could he do this if he had a behaviour problem and be able to sometimes act 'normal'?
Bellavita, I think I would have said well you might be able to do both at the same time but the other children in the class can't concentrate on what the teacher is saying and the teacher finds it difficult to teach while you are doing that so stop doing it.
He is a very bright boy and always eager to help but does not know when to stop with the behaviour. Unfortunately, one small thing that happens earlier on in the week will set the pattern for the rest of it.
We are not happy with our sons behaviour or attitude.
No im sorry that i came across that i didnt care about him being disruptive in class etc.
I do care. When he first did these things i was mortified but i kept excusing the behaviour of that of a silly boy showing off or being boisterous. The teachers have told me that he is never cheeky towards them, just constantly larking about. However, now im worried that all that silly stuff was something more serious.
The school are watching him carefully and informing us. I was upset when i heard he was sitting on his own an asked him to try and be sensible and get back on a table with his friends. He said he would, but that he didnt mind sitting on his own as he was not really alone as his mates were still quite close on the next table!
Bella, as for the whistling, that sounds like something my ds would say.
We talk reasonably about these issues all the time but nothing has cahnged really. If i dont take stuff off him then how the hell do i punish him for this behaviour??
How you are with him at home re discipline sets the scene for how he is at school and elsewhere. You aren't doing him any favours by not being consistent with discipline and by spoiling him. He very probably is picking up the message that you are not that bothered about his 'silly' behaviour, as he is 'just being a lad'.
It would be a good start for you and your husband to think about how you can improve his behaviour and your responses to it at home, and then consult the school to find out how you can back them up 100%. If you don't get this sorted now he is going to end up being The Wrong Crowd and you don't want that for him
He does similar things out of school. Its almost like he has no fear of authority as i would have been frightened to death if i had seen the head teacher at that age. He has cried a couple of times when we have gone to see her, but how bothered is he if he does the same thing the next wk?
I keep toying with the behaviour problem but could he switch it off and on like he does?
We are desperately trying to control things before they get out of hand but we are struggling really on how to deal with it when we have yet another report of bad behviour at school.
We have a good routine at home. He does his homework after school, we watch telly have dinner and a bath and go to bed at a reasonable time and he sleeps well.
He goes to school and i discuss with him about being sensible, staying away from silly boys and apying attention etc.
I encourage him with the promise of nice things and his privileges back, only to find at the end of the wk he has been involved in something else. Its usually something quite minor, but given the situation he is in and the reputation he has it really is quite unbelieveable that he has done something else.
We keep having lengthy conversations(all 3 of us) to no avail. How the hell do i punish him when i get yet another bad report from school?
So far he has his electronic games taken off him, tv etc, with the promise he have them back for a short while at the weekend if he is good. We never get that far. So far he hasnt had his new XBOX back properly since January.
TheProvincial - we asked for an assessment and were told there was nothing wrong with him, basically she said he found some of the lessons boring.
When he was in Yr1 we had a terrible year, everyday when the door opened I was beckoned over to be told he has been fidgeting today can you deal with it,yada yada yada. It got to the point where I dreaded going to school for him.
We had meetings with the head and we asked if someone could go in and observe - which the school did arrange.
The assessor was really helpful and proposed putting things into place that would help the teacher and us.
Yr2 he had a fantastic year - his teacher was so supportive of him - understood that the school were perhaps trying to pigeon hole him and he was his own person - never had a wrong word said about him.
Yr3 his teacher is lovely but obviously has her own methods of dealing with things which I can understand. She has expressed her concerns over a couple of things and she has asked us if it is ok to get him extra help through the day.
If you are/were getting a call everyday from the school about his behaviour then I think you should be concerned reall Have no advice other than find out what is meant by 'getting extra help through the day'.
Don't punish him. Get his trust in you back. He now knows that you could take away everything he has. It's not working. See whether being understanding helps. It might take a while. Be concerned and keep asking him why he's doing what he's doing. He can't be happy with everyone against him, surely. If he's not afraid of anyone then it sounds as though he might be past the point of caring. Somehow he needs to be brought back to caring again. Show disapproval/disappointment of bad behaviour at home. Show him you love him but don't put up with bad behaviour. And let him know that you are not being a spoilsport, you are helping him now so that his life won't be so bad when he gets older. If he's having trouble with others at school which is making him want to join up with the other bad boys so he doesn't get picked on then find out and let the school know so that something can be done to sort it out.
beanie - if you are referring to my comments - re the extra help it is to do with spellings and reading. His teacher things that he did not pick up on all the phonics when he was in YR1.
Bella, i feel like you felt. I dread going to the school now i really do. Im waiting for the teacher or head to call me and im living on my nerves. Ive even had a couple of kids say 'You ds has done so and so today' which pisses me off.
After yet another chat on Wed and Thurs i dropped him off at school Thurs am with no apparent problems. Dp picked him and the deputy head informed him that he had called another kid a dork and thrown stones in the playground at lunchtime. Probably doesnt sound like anything major but considering the trouble he is in i cannot beleive he would be so bloody stupid.
Janitor, ive considered another school, i really have. Its a good school though. Im also worried that it would take him long to satrt messing around again. Im not excusing him, but he also seems drawn to the kids that fuck about. wherever we go.
Bellavita I'm not sure that you can do anything else but keep telling him that it's bad manners if nothing else, to disrupt the lessons for others. Could the teacher recruit him to help out with things? Collect stuff, give out worksheets that type of thing. Get him involved and hopefully interested.
I keep telling him what a lovely sensible boy he can be and that i want to trust him. wE BOTH tell him that we know he can be good and to stay out of trouble so he doesnt get a bad reputation etc. We tell him that nice boys get nice things and that we love him and dont want to see him in trouble.
I am really struggling with what to when( and it is when rather than if)he gets into more trouble.
Today i went shopping with him for some holiday things as we are going away soon. He was lovely and we had a chat about maybe if he was sensible at school this wk he could get one of his electronicgames back to take on the plane. And then on the way home he started mucking about.
DP thinks we are too soft and the nice, reasonable approach isnt working and we should just take everything off him and send him to his room every night. He really is sick and tired.
Juule - he is the teachers "job person" as it is which he loves doing.
His year are doing an allotment and he is interested because we have a veg patch and grow lots of stuff. The mum that helps out with this said he is a mind of info and behaved beautifully.
In the IP that we have got it mentions a "hornet book"?
Bellavita, can't the teacher talk him into being quiet during the lesson then? Won't he listen? If he likes being job person and helping can't she talk to him about helping her during the lesson to help the other children learn? Not heard of Hornets nest.
Juule i have cried a couple of times recently(especially afer the head called us in to discuss maybe seeing the GP) and my DP said this is making mummy sad.
He promises that he will be good but he doesnt.
I feel torn. I keep thinking maybe he cant help help it. Then other days i think he just doesnt give a shit, which sounds daft i know.
Ive asked him if he forgets or if he cant help what he does and he assures me he can help it. In which case i tell him that that is very naughty behaviour.
i think all boys this age muck about but knowing when it's appropriate is the key.
it sounds like you are being very sweet and understanding of him. I'm not sure about 'nice boys get nice things' though.
Have you tried really cracking down? I see that you have done gentle but have you really laid down the law and stated very very firmly that you will not tolerate any more of this, that you will be checking with his teacher every day, and if there is any more of it , there will be real trouble?
That sounds good about sitting in the class, he would be mortified.
Weve tried promising things he loves.Doesnt work either. He is always asking for things. Today when we went shopping he saw a poster for an exhibition at a museum and asked if he could go. I replied in the usual way by saying of course he could as it sounded great, if there was an improvment in his behaviour and it was down to him, not me. He just says 'Yes, i will be good, i promise'. He is for about a day.I tell him its not long enough and he goes 'Yeah i know, im never gonna get my treats back '. I always reply that its down to him, not me and there is nothing id love more than to give him nice things.What else can i say?
I am worried about things he does, i just think some things are silly kids stuff like throwing stones etc and i wouldnt be especially worried normally that there is a problem. Its just given the current sitaution he should be keeping his head down.
Yes it is a big deal, but what i mean is that if it was just that i wouldnt be terribly worried or think he had a behvioural problem.i would think he was just being stupid.
School, apart from pulling me in, have seated him on a separate table(which doesnt seem to worry him) and sometimes he is kept it at break or lunch
doesn't sound terribly effective. do they do golden time? at our school on a friday they can choose what activity they want. if they are naughty theylose golden time in increments..works very well.
No they dont do that. They do get merits for good behaviour and work etc.
The thing i struggle with is feeling powerless to control his behaviour at school. It dopesnt matter what i say or do before he goes i just dont know how he is going to behave when im not there.
I think a week of smiley faces AM and PM is too much. he'll never get there, so the chart will soon feel meaningless. Can you reward him after each day? Imagine how long a week is when you're 9 y/o...!
From what you've said, it really sounds like you're being both too gentle and too firm. He should have his stuff confiscated for 24 hours, not longer. Any longer than that, it's like his stuff has vanished and he loses motivation.
He needs to see ongoing proof that good behaviour equals nice stuff, and bad equals bad. But quickly. Quick rewards that add up.
If he's fine at home then I'd be interested to know what's happening in school and why he's acting/reacting the way he is. I agree with the mmj who said arrange to sit in class with him if possible. I also agree with Beautiful that a week of smilies might seem a mountain to climb.
I agree with the daily rewards. hAVE said if he gets smiley faces today he can watch a film later.
I wouldnt say he was fine at home really. He isnt terrible. He just has a tendency to muck about.
For instance if i ask him to get dressed he will often ignore me and go and do something else instead. Not always but quite often. Its almost as though he just does stuff when he feels like it
Sounds to me as if your son has become the naughty one in the eyes of the school and therefore, to some extent, in his own eyes, and in your eyes as well. That has become a defining part of his persona, so that when someone else does a particular thing which might be termed a bit silly, it is seen as naughty. And when he does something outside the boundaries of acceptable social behaviour at school, it's immediately picked up on and seen by all as further confirmation of his badness.
You say he's ok at home.
In your situation, I'd be finding a way to help your son learn about socially acceptable behaviour in different situations in a non-punitive and hands on way and without him being "the naughty one", and that probably requires him to leave that school, and whether he then goes straight to another school, or stays with you at home till the autumn and has a fresh start at a new school with the new school year, or whether you shift across to home edding for a year or two until you've all recovered, I don't know.
But it sounds to me as if that school in particular, and maybe the school sitaution in general, is not something which is suiting your son at the moment.
I dont have a problem controlling him or anything, its just like i said he mucks about. Its just he needs telling lots of times to do stuff even if i stress the importance that we will late etc if he doesnt get dressed. I know a lot of kids do things like this though.
An example could be that i will say lets get dressed, brush teeth etc and go to the park If we dont leave now we wont be able to go. HE will get ready in his own time really and say oh im ready now. Then i will remind him that it had to be quick or we wouldnt be able to go. He doesnt seem to get it that we are the boss and hes the kid. I think thats just spoilt behaviour though.
I think some of the problem here is the definition of "a bit silly". I honestly think that big kids going into the infant playground if they are not allowed, throwing paper towels round the loo, throwing stones and calling other children names goes beyond a bit silly - and I would expect the school to be a bit tougher on this sort of behaviour. He's 9 - he's not a baby. The school does seem to be washing its hands of this a bit and expecting you to sort it out. ~Maybe you need to discuss a joint plan with the school - joined up disipline if you like. And I do think you need to be a bit firmer - sorry. It's hard when firm isn't your style, isn't it!
I can be firm! But im sick of always seeming to be telling him off or taking stuff off him. I love doing nice things with him but lately its all no, no, no to everything. Im conscious he wont have anything to work towards.
Dp has had enough, hes all for sending him to his room after school every day until he learns his lesson and emptying it of all toys. I dont blame him for feeling like that. I just cannot believe that after all that has happened at school recently that he would be so damned stupid to do yet another thing!
The school are good, but what the hell can i do after i have dropped him off. Im not there physically to sort him out.
I agree it is going beyond silly, but does it suggest a big behaviour problem?
As far as i see when i go out, boys are generally horrible compared to girls(!) and when i went to school there were always boys doing daft stuff and playing up. He isnt fighting, swearing smashing things up or being rude to teachers! Im just wondering where normal boyish behaviour ends and a problem takes over. Its so hard.
SanAndreas, I might have missed it but have you ruled out taking him to the GP? As you might (only might, though!) get some more good advice.
My ds (who was 9 in April) has some similarities to yours - specifically the (very hard to comprehend, almost weird-feeling) failure to learn from experience. I describe it to myself as him missing a kind of feedback instinct - ie, the one that should automatically kick in to tell you not to do something again when last time it got you in hot water. My ds also has the apparent oblivious nature where he doesn't seem to massively care (or just forgets?) about the sanctions. And as for getting ready in his own time ........... let's just say I understand.
In a way it's easier for us to go down the path of thinking there's something "up" (rather than something "wrong") with my ds, as we also have a younger dd who is completely on the ball. We try to do very steady & consistent parenting with both of them, & one of the criteria for investigating further is of course when a child's behaviour is significantly worse than the parenting he/she is getting would indicate.
What I am getting at is that sometimes you can do your absolute level best at parenting, but a child just is, in some way, more difficult to reach.
Your GP may not be able to give you any kind of technical term for why your son is behaving as he is (we don't have any for my ds) but I've found that the more advice I can gather in (from anyone) the better things go. It gives me perspective, options for strategies, contact with other people in same boat, etc.
PS - my ds has been at a specialist school for the last year & half, where they've been explicitly teaching him things like social skills - ie, things that other children pick up instinctively but he seems not to be able to - and he is much better than he was. You might want to try to approach your ds by treating him as if he needs the same sort of explicit teaching - have you heard of "social stories"?
(Sorry for long post - I just thought this might be useful.)
My DH teaches year 5 and I have heard a lot about the behaviour of boys, girls and children in general. Boys can be very sensible and thoughtful and girls can be very silly. Being a boy doesn't give him carte blanche to act like this. Do you think you might be sending him the message that it is ok for him to be silly/horrible because he is a boy and can't help it? Not consciously in those exact words but YSWIM?
Your DS isn't fighting and smashing things up yet but it could easily become that if he can't control his behaviour or respect authority.
I know I am repeating myself but I do think you need to get together with the school to resolve this together, home and school behaviour as one issue. If they aren't interested then you need to consider changing schools even though it would be a PITA.
I will speak to the head again this wk(if anything happens) to see a better way we can work together. Im worried about changing schools in case the same things happen again and he will have an even worse reputation.
Bink the characteristics you have talked about with your ds describe my ds exactly. Not caring or seemingly to 'forget'. Exactly spot on.
I wanted to add something that a Dr pointed out re my ds, & was such a useful way of seeing his difficulties clearly. The Dr asked ds what sort of misbehaving ds did at school - and, despite really wanting to explain, ds just couldn't give a concrete example, all he could do was say "being silly". Compare that with your average toddler, who can & will (however shame-facedly & self-justifying) give you the specifics ("I threw some sand at Sally but it was because she snatched the spade") - let alone with your average 9yo.
The Dr said ds's inability to recount a specific incident meant that, at some level, he didn't quite understand the whole picture. Hence the need for the explicit spelling-out approach.
Have there been any changes in his life like bereavement or moving house? that could be affecting him?
Does he have many friends out of school or is he bored/lonely.
I loved the advice given to you by Onwards, and would only add that I would throw my everything into finding him an all consuming hobby that he is passionate about and that might introduce him to some young positive role models as well as teach him discipline.
Sailing, rock climbing, air cadets, surfing, sealed knot, art, photography, Something that he can do really well to increase his self esteem which must be on the floor.
I think the school sound pretty hopeless. If they have concerns about his behaviour at school they should call in the Ed Psych. After all, he's better at home so why suggest you see the GP...I think I would ask the Head to get the Ed Psych in to assess him, if they're that worried. And if they're not that worried, then the school need to be providing more positive re-inforcement/stronger consequences.
He sounds immature for his age - some kids are, it's just one of those things.
I think being punished at home for stuff at school needs to stop right now if I'm honest. I think it's so counterproductive and just makes kids feel victimised and harrassed and I tihnk it could even be adding to his silly behaviour.
Work with the school so that he knows you support what THEY do in terms of consequences/positive stuff but don't punish at home for stuff that's already been dealt with. Home is home and his treats, or not, should depend on home behaviour ONLY imo.
TBH though the school sound as if they are too weak; if he's properly supervised, he shouldn't be able to get into the infant playground etc. Obviously it would be better if he behaved more sensibly but the school should have tough and robust procedures in place that squash this sort of behaviour. It is possible.
Hmmm, I'm a teacher, and I'm not sure this is totally to do with how you treat him re discipline etc. It is easy to say that, BUT if you are generally supportive of him and his education then this usually shows up in the child. I was not always consistant with my ds at times (long story) but he has never behaved like this. Your ds may be the sort of child who needs consistent discipline, but I don't think this is the whole story.
In my 13 years of teaching experience I have come across a lot of boys who misbehave. Usually it IS something to do with parental input or lack of it. It is not often a child misbehaves who has strong parents behind him, but it can happen. However when it does happen SEN are usually involved. There may be something driving his behaviour. I am not trying to make excuses for it, BUT it does sound as if you need some help with him.
I would ask the school to do an assessment on him, and if they refuse get one done yourself privately you KNOW what you are dealing with and have a baseline to go on.
Has he always been like this or has this just started to happen lately? If he has always been this way, it should have been picked up on at the school much earlier, and support should have been put in place.
I deal with them all and some are just plain naughty and full of devilment, but they are few and far between.
Ooh, have just rememebered that awful programme "Honey we're kiling the kids" (Is that right?)
Anyway, she was always suggesting that parents spend more time doing stuff with their kids outside the house, and sharing activities.
You said you enjoy doing this sort of stuff with your ds, could you do more of it, rather than trying to be always on his back. This gives you chance to back off and just enjoy being together
Ooh, have just rememebered that awful programme "Honey we're kiling the kids" (Is that right?)
Anyway, she was always suggesting that parents spend more time doing stuff with their kids outside the house, and sharing activities.
You said you enjoy doing this sort of stuff with your ds, could you do more of it, rather than trying to be always on his back. This gives you chance to back off and just enjoy being together
ds1 constantly does things he shouldn't at school and at home - he's very impulsive and he really struggles with the whole 'learning from experience' thing - it doesn't matter how many times he's got into trouble for something before, when he's in the throes of excitement/anger he just can't seem to access the bit of his brain which should be screaming 'this is a really bad idea' at him
we have a sort of traffic light system at home and at school to try to head off some of the worst behaviour - at home I say 'stop and think' and at school he has two warnings and then he's out of the class. Sometimes this works, but other times nothing seems to reach him
we took him out of his previous school at the end of y5 as he'd got into a terribly negative spiral - he (and I suspect your son too) had the attitude of 'might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb' and as soon as the punishments started, instead of stopping him it seemed to push him into ever deteriorating behaviour
we did go to the gp about his behaviour, partly on the advice of his nursery teacher who said that if we couldn't give schools a medical reason for the way he (sometimes) behaved, that he would be wrongly labelled as being simply naughty
he has a real mish-mash of a diagnosis, but most importantly he has a statement which means that he can get lots of extra help at school - not with academic work as he's very bright, but with organising himself and stuff like reading subtle social cues to help him moderate his behaviour
we have regular meetings with the psychologist to help us (and school) finetune tactics, but basically he tells us we're doing all the right things and some children are just much, much harder to deal with
certainly from our experience, ds responds much better to positive reinforcement than punishment - trying to foresee potential flashpoints/opportunities for silliness helps too as it's often easier to head situations off before they happen
sorry have rambled because I'm tired and should be in bed ....
Fizzbuzz - I was on this thread earlier as my son could be the DS of SanAndreas.
Was golden boy at Nursery, went slightly downhill in reception, had a really bad year in Yr1, fantastic year in Yr2, going downhill in Yr3.
He is on a behaviour report system at the moment whereby they fill in the card day by day and he brings it home and we sign and send back. Previous to this in Yr1 we had meetings with the head and had a behaviour support specialist go in and assess who basically said he was a spirited boy who seemed to be the scapegoat for a lot of things that went on and because perhaps he had done things previously, he just held his hand up and said yep I am guilty even though on many occasions he was not the culprit.
DS2 at home does his own thing. We speak to him, ground him or ban him from the games console or computer, then once the ban is lifted then it is business as usual. For example, last night was the first night he was allowed out. He has been taking it upon himself to leave the street, should not go past a particular point (we do live in a village) and go call on various friends who live on the other side of the village - we then have to go look for him. So, last night playing outside our house with other children, then DS2 no longer there. We get a phonecall from someone right at the top of the street up a culdesac (where he is not allowed) to say DS2 is here playing he has asked me to ring you to say where he is.
When he came back I said why did you go to that house and he said but I got M's dad to ring you to say where I was. He cannot seem to grasp the idea he is supposed to ask first.
The school he is at in our village has about 30 children to a class. We know he works well in a small group as the school have confirmed this. Do you think it would be worthwhile moving him to another school? There are two schools nearby in other villages - one has 50 children to the whole school and the other has 82 to the school.
My husband is not sure about moving him. I think he is worried that he will still carry on doing what he is doing.
How do we go about moving him? I know we need to make an appointment with the Head, but at the meeting do we actually have to go into full detail about what is happening?
The school have just done an IP for DS2 and he has started to go out of class for extra work.
Sorry if this is long winded, but we are getting to the end of the road. By the way, we have had no trouble with DS1 at the same school or with his behaviour.
I have just spoken to our Head who has just reassured me that there is still a long way to go yet on trying to sort his "silly" behaviour out and for DH and I not to worry.
She said he is not a nasty boy but just very silly and immature.
If things do not improve with having the behaviour report card in place, she said they will look into doing other things and getting the behaviour support teacher back in.
I hope so. In Yr2 he had a fantastic year and was not sent to see the Head once, so hopefully we can get some of this good behaviour back.
It is just knowing how to go about it. We cannot be bad parents as DS1 turned out ok with no problems whatsoever and we do not dole out different parenting skills to him.
Gosh, I don't know...If he is better in small groups, then I suppose you could consider it, but most kids are if they need special attention.
If he is only in Y3, I would give him more of a chance tbh. Moving should really be the last option as it may upset him more. As he seems uppy downy rather than continouously difficult he may improve.
Behaviour suport in class seems a better option to me. However I think you should ask for a proper assessment on him from an ed psych. the school may refuse but by law you are entitled to it, but you may have to have it done privately. It may make all the difference to you. Is he very clever at all?
Bellavista don't beat yourself up about parenting. As a teacher I often see whole familes of kids,who will all behave apart from one random sibling.
It happens all the time, but the parents don't treat them any differently, so it is not always down to parenting. Some children are just born like that I think. It puzzles us as teachers as much as the parents.
What was your ds like as a baby or toddler? My ds (now 14) had a friend when he was 2 or 3 who used to have terrible tantrums and be really out of control. This went on until secondary school when he was diagnosed with ADHD, yet his elder brother was nothing like him. Both had the same parents............
He was a perfect baby until the day he turned one, then it went downhill.
Put locks on the fridge door - he would break them off.
He was into everything and at mums and tots all the mums would think he was just so adorable but he would be trying to climb all the time and really keep me on my toes.
Managed to get scissors (from high up which involves standing on worksurface) to cut his hair, my venetian blinds etc.
Managed to get a box of matches which again are out of sight and out of reach, he decided one morning when we were in bed (this is quite recent) to set alight my display candles.
Our fault for not realising he had taken the keys and opened the garage door - he poured paint into the petrol lawnmower - again the paint is high up on a shelf and he got himself things to stand on to reach it.
I try to share out asking the boys to do things - but DS2 just takes over and poor DS1 doesn't get a look in.
My best friend mentioned last time we saw her that DS1 does not get a chance to talk and answer any questions directed at him because DS2 just jumps in and does it.
The thing is he really is a lovable boy and I know he does have feelings even if he has this I don't care attitude - DS1 broke his arm a couple of weeks ago and DS2 was upset about it.
It is just like he has been here before though in another life. He is bright in many ways, we have a greenhouse and he helps DH with the seeds and growing the veg and fruit and he is a mind of info on this. I struggled to put the seats down in the back of my car once and he said don't worry I will do it and sure enough job done in a second.
The Head has said she will give me an update next Monday on how she thinks this weeks behaviour has gone.
Thank you for your input, it really helps to see and read the wise words of others.
Thanks everyone ive been working past few days and couldnt get on mumsnet.
My ds sounds like mims son and bella's.
He has always been a bit of a character all of his life although he didnt do stuff like bella's ds as a baby.
He has been in'trouble' really since starting reception, but it was really just distracting others etc. THe school have never really made it an issue.
Despite the behaviour chart this wk and promises not to get in troble at school he has done something again. i recieved a phone call from ther school to say he had been encouraging other kids to do stuff they shouldnt.
I am really unsure of what to do when i pick him up. The school dealt with it by making him stay in at playtime/lunch but what should i do.
The poster that said i shouldnt punish him again, well im kind of inclined to agree in a way, except im sure he is not a bit bothered about staying in a t school. Dp wants to take everything off him tonight(tv etc ).We have decided to work on a daily basis with punishment. And only take things off him for a day. Dp had agreed but i think he thinks its a bit 'soft' and a day isnt long enough.
He does have a hobby, he goes to football twice a wk and its footy tonight. I dont know whether to let him go or not? If he goes i feel he will not care about being punished at school or having his things taken away because he still has footy. Im just confused.
HE DOESNT HAVE A SELF ESTEEM PROBLEM sorry about capitals! He can be fine, but then forgets himself.
No, most schools won't, it costs money. The law is a travesty. You are legally obliged to have one if requested, but LEA's ALWAYS slide out of it.
Get him done privately. I had to for my ds (differnt issues) but everything became much much clearer when it was done. You really know what you are dealing with then and can push for help or onto SEN register where you can access more support
........... let's just say I understand.
