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Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.
Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!
Yes, absolutely normal. They first few weeks are a nightmare, and your hormones are all over the place to boot. Get as much help as you can, ignore the houseworl, buy a massive ;laundry basket and retire to bed for as much of the day as you can manage! I didn't leave the flat for a fortnight - be realistic about what you can do at this stage
Are you bfing? Resign youself to feeding all the time - it will settle down again in a few days (and go manic again at about 3 weeks...). Co-sleep if you're happy with it. Sleep while the baby sleeps. Get other people to cook and clean for you. Be gentle with each other - you've both been through a stressful experience.
neuroticlady, I think it's completely normal, especially with your first Baby, to feel completely overwhelemed, because before you have a child, it's impossible to really appreciate the change they can mean to ones life. I also think we often have a certain anticipation about how it will be having a Baby and what kind of parent we will be, and well...especially in the early days parenting doesn't come into it, it's pure survivial of the fittest. Things will become easier over time though, and just be easy on yoruself, it is a lerning curb, and in our society we often haen't really got a chance to get a proper insight into parenthood, until we actually beocme parents...but it will come. Not sure if this helps you,but things will get easier!
That is completely and utterly normal. I used to feel like a big bus had gone past me with 'my life' written on the front - and I'd missed it! Ok - so to move forward: stuff the house and laundry etc etc. You must have takeaway or nice ready meals for the rest of the week. Is there a laundrette nearby? If so take some washing there and have them do a service wash. If there is a nice barbers near you I suggest dh goes and has a shave - apparently it's a total revealation to have someone do this for you and then you need to ring you hairdressers and ask them just to wash and dry your hair - no time for a cut but if they wash it (with a good head massage too) you will feel a lot better. The other person can walk the streets with baby whislt this is going on. If you don't have a sling get one! And if you can bear it - get outside and just walk - good chance baby will sleep Congratulations on your beautiful son - you have waited a long time for your baby and your new lives as a family are going to be a hundred times better than your old ones - you just need to 'move into' them a bit.
oh dear, that is very very normal. my husband used to leave for work with me sat on the sofa, breastfeeding and crying (as i have been breastfeeding all night) and for him to come home 11 hours later, am still in the same pajamas, still on the sofa, still crying. it doesn't help that people say, oh baby is crying because she can feel your stress (which is caused by baby) etc etc. anyway, if you find you have to carry her quite a bit, buy a sling, at least it frees your arms, get the cleaner in a few more times during the week for at least a few weeks, buy frozen food (www.cookfood.net) - to keep you going for a while. it does get better, i know little comfort for now. But i personally know how tough it can be. If you are breastfeeding, rent lots of DVDs like friends of csi etc etc., it does take your mind things off a bit. i had no relatives around. i know some of my suggestions above require some spare money and i don't know your personal situation. but if you have money spare, now is the time to put that to use!!!
Oh don't feel bad. It's totally normal. I wept my way through weeks 0-4 and then most days till week 12! But honestly it gets sooo much better. By late Spring you'll be doing really well, I'm sure. Things click into place and you'll be taking your lovely smiley baby to the park to look at the flowers and ducks. It's just people think it'll be straight to park and flowers and ducks and actually you have to get through the newborn stage first.
It's normal, it's expected. You really can't believe the havoc that such a small being can wreak.
It's gets better, once you adjusted, it really does.
Hunker down for the next few weeks. No unnecessary distractions, like cleaning and tidying, accept all help offered without question and trim your expectations (it takes a while before you feel like a mummy).
Just caring for your baby (the nappies, the feeding) will do for now - don't worry about anything else.
Sending lots of positive vibes. Oh and newborns will cry for absolutely no reason you can discern sometimes. If you've checked the obvious, be reassured it's nothing you are doing wrong.
I remeber this so clearly. People would say oh you know the cry for food and nappy etc, we just used to look at each other and work through the list, well he not hungry, wet, dirty, too cold, too hot, tired and on and on and on.
I think that the expectation is far removed from the reality and that it is such a big change to your lifes it takes time to adjust.
Just sit back and try to relax, it does get better
My DH (holding bright red angry baby) has just been reading your replies over my shoulder, and it makes us both feel SO much better to hear others say it's ok to feel like this right now, and that it will get better. And hopefully soon!! I would love to take him out for a walk but unfortunately we're currently living in Australia and it's the middle of the night, which always makes everything feel so much worse. Especially as all our families are back home in England. Oh it makes me want to cry... And as for breastfeeding, it was a disaster. I had breast cancer and I won't bore you with the details but I've ended up having to give up after having such a rubbish supply he rejected the breast completely. I am devastated about it and I don't think it's helped with my negative feelings towards him. My poor DH is trying so hard to be supportive but he's miserable too! I wish we had our families around us just to bounce the baby around or provide a meal or two and give us a break but the reality is we're on our own. It wasn't meant to be like this, was it??
Stupid, naive question, but when might we start to get some joy out of this...???
I wish I had heard of MN 8 years ago, when I had my DS. My DH was at work all day, and out most evenings (sport/meetings etc), and I was so miserable. Then my lovely sister wrote me a letter, explaining that it was perfectly normal, and everyone else had been the same. It was better in a letter, than face-to-face, I felt a bit stupid for crying all the time. I was completely overwhelmed by it all.
For me, giving up strugggling with the BF was great - then just trying to get out more (even though it was raining most of the time)
good luck, you will look back on this later, and you are lucky that you are able to speak to your DH about it.
the ugly truth - for many people the first year is an absolute bloody nightmare. it was for us. mine was wanted and planned too, but he was one heck of a screamer and he basically cried all his waking time for the first 3 months. i fantasised about walking out many times, and i totally regretted having him. i screamed at him to fuck off and i daydreamed that he would die despite feeling so protective of him. god, i felt so guilty. the beautiful truth - now he's 16mths and i think he's brilliant. i LOVE toddlers, they are so much better than babies. however, many parents i know think the opposite. i guess their babies were easier than mine. we are best friends now, me and him. we fall out several times a day admittedly (especially teething) but it really is heavenly compared to the horrendous first few months. for me these are the things that helped: i found that going to baby groups was a lifesaver. staying indoors was murderous for me. find what works best for you. i turned up at babycafes bawling my eyes out on many an ocassion. where are you? if you are in Leeds, i can recommend many! if you are somewhere else post on your Mumsnet local site and find someone. which brings me to... remember you are not alone. USE MUMSNET. this was my second lifeline. put everything else on the back shelf. nap when you can. mine was a vile sleeper, and he still wakes up stupidly early, and often doesn't sleep through the night. but, again, its not like in the beginning. write a list of all the things you are looking forward to. for me, sleepovers at the Natural History Museum when he's 6 was one of them! the baby stage will go really quickly (some say a shame, others of us say thank god!) learn about your own baby. yeah, read the books if its interesting, but don't expect yours to comply. mine wouldn't be put down EVER. he slept on me or my partner. normal, normal, normal. now he naps 2hrs every lunch and goes to bed at 7 in his own room, and usually he asks to go to sleep! don't believe the doomsayers that if you let your tiny child nap on you now then they won't ever sleep on the own! bollocks! eat. drink water. i often forgot, and i was breastfeeding. oops. don't expect to feel the same about your partner for a while. thats normal, and it changes. indeed, everything passes. this little monster in your arms will grow on you, into some brilliant great child that fills you with hope and passion. finally, theres nowt wrong with a large glass of red (or chocolate, or whatever your poison is) when you need it. i've so been there. im so out of it. you will be too. xxx
I think I started feeling vaguely human after about week three...
Don't beat yourself up pver the bfing, you made the decision that was right for you
Living apart from family and friends must be hard - canyouy get in some help like a cleaner? Slings are also great for high-needs babies (DS was one of those, it IS hard but they are also really rewarding as older babies and toddlers) . Remember the whole thing has also come as a shock to your DS and it will take a while for him to adjust to the big wide world as well
One advatnage that you have is that when you're doing the lonely 3am shift (3am is the worst IME) there are loads of people here to support you
You can go for walks in the middle of the night! My dh still talks about the ones he did with our dd1. Sorry to hear about the trouble with b/feeding - was there anybody to give you any support? It can be very hard - but don't feel bad - you and your dh are doing a great job as parents! And actually it's really nice to read how much you are supporting one another too As for Joy - it's there already and you will be able to see it soon. Nothing in this world can make your heart turn over like the wonder of your own child. You will have years and years and years of it, your hands will overflow
Totally normal. In fact I think the problem is sometimes worse in babies that have been wanted for a long time. You think of all the positives that a baby will bring and it pushes the negative bits to the back of your mind.
This is the most difficult time and it will get a lot easier I promise. Drives me mad when people say 'Oh you think it's bad now! Wait until they are X age' - thats a complete load of rubbish. There is nothing harder than dealing with a newborn for the first time.
Keep talking to your DH - you'll need each others support to keep going through this huge upheaval. You will get the housework done again and you will have time to yourselves again.
This phase doesn't last long, I think the best plan to follow is to give yourself a break by reducing your stress as much as possible, (best way to do this is to realise that you cannot do everything or read your babies mind and that wonderful natural mums who instantly cope are incredibly rare). If you manage to reduce your expectations to a more realistic level you will find that by the time this is all over you'll not be carrying a load of guilt around with you about how long it took you to come to terms with the changes a little one brought to your life.
neuroticlady, oh it's so much harder when you don't have Family support nearby (those doting grandparents come in so handy at times)....do you have closer friends that could be like a substitute family?
Breastfeeding can be difficult to get the hang off anyway, and I have no idea how the support system is out in OZ,but if you could get hold off a BF councellor or Lactation consultant, maybe it would be worth to have a chat with them, and see if a) maybe with a bit of help BF is achiavable, and if not, they will also be able to talk to you about your feelings, etc...!
I think, as soon as you ditch all expactations and just go with the flow things will become more enjoyable. Whilst I know a messy house can be very unpsetting if you like things tidy, it really isn't the end of the world if things aren't spit and span...or maybe getting a mother helper or somehting in, mihgt help...
I think, if you can, the most important thing is, to get sleep whenever possible...and maybe this means "shiftwork" or sleeping when ever your little one is sleeping...
oh, and my little one transformed once he could move. he was dead fast, he first started walking at 8mths, he's now talking in sentences. i think he was angry all the time cos he was frustrated by not being able to do anything. so he became fun and all that by about 6mths. which isn't to say there weren't happy times before that.
started to feel a bit more human after 3 months -- but it did get marginally better after about 6-7 weeks......
you will get there in the end. and the fact that we ALL remember how difficult it was means it was REALLY difficult - not even time and lovely new experiences with the baby can erase. so you are not alone.
this is why cultures like italians, greeks, filipinos have it much easier. in those cultures, the family DESCENDS on the family that just had the baby, do all the cooking, cleaning and help with the baby. i think our society these days are just that bit more cut off and there are some days you wish to be surrounded by people who will do things for you, and this is one of them!
hang in there you both. And to the new dad, just keep supporting each other!
Oh wow, what wonderful responses - thank you. Making me feel less of a monster and more that this is just an awful stage we have to, and will, get through. Can't really afford a cleaner as much as it would help - will just have to turn a blind eye as much as possible. My parents are flying out from the uk at the end of the month and it cannot come soon enough, though I already dread them leaving. I am actually desperate to come back to England (you really can have too much sunshine...) and be with our families. I don't want to do this alone.
One of the worst aspects for me right now is opening all the congratualtions cards that say things like 'you must be over the moon' - no actually I am teary, feeling panicky, miserable, overwhelmed and functioning with the baby but with no real love (yet) behind it. And DH has admitted he feels just the same. We're just in a total panic that we've made a huge mistake but your posts have made me feel so much relief that we will reach a stage where it's joyful and rewarding. Thank you for your honesty and for telling it like it is. All you ever hear is how amazing it all is and nobody admits when it feels shit. Thank god for mumsnet to keep me sane through the long night here in Australia! x
this is the oz breastfeeding website. the counsellors can help you get over the grief of losing the bf relationship and possibly help you to restart it if it turns out you have been given duff advice by health profs (as is common here in the UK).
they can also point you to a support network in your area.
and really get a sling. I found this video on the first link. and I just had to smile. A moby, karime, hugabub or tricot slen by babylonia as he is using will be great for a newborn.
P.S. Yes, sleep when the baby sleeps... I know I should be doing this. But I am so keyed up I am not sleeping, even when I get the chance. It's a vicious circle. Maybe I should talk to someone about all this - I hope to god it's not the start of PND...
I am having flashbacks to when my ds was born. i remember his first week just as you described. i remember dh saying 'why did we do this??' He then went outside and had a good talk to himself!!! Ok, so you're not bfing anymore, that's ok. You two can now take it in turns [there's always an advantage!!!]. my ds was really colicky for first few weeks and on those nights, he could scream for hours. we took it in turns, 1 hour each during the evening until our bedtime, then we did longer stints at night. It nearly killed us both, but eventually (about 6 weeks, we were all in a routine of sorts). Incidentally, we have no family nearby and i finally cracked and got on a flight with a 3 week old to see my mum - god i must have been deranged. When i turned up, she said 'why didn't you just tell me and i would have come straight away' but i was too proud to admit i couldn;t cope. It might sound silly but can your family not fly out to see you/help you out???
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture used all over the world because its an effective way to mess with your head - it works!!! Right now, you are not rational because you've had no sleep, your hormones are raging and your life has been transformed....be kind to yourselves.
Expect a tough time every 3 weeks (growth spurts) but it does get easier. Remember your baby is adjusting to life with you, just as you're getting used to him. It WILL get easier but can't say when as all children are different but after a few weeks your body adjusts to less sleep - its just a total shock at first. I thought i woul dnever survive on 4 hours sleep, now if ds is sick, i can be up with him all night and still go to work - i couldn't have dome that before he arrived.
I think if you could manage to get out of the house for a bit that might help you all with sleep. It's a bit of a circle isn't it - you are anxious about the baby so then you're anxious about being anxious then you can't sleep because you're anxious then you get more anxious about how wound up you are.......
Oh just seen you're in Oz so no late Spring for you...lovely stroll on the beach then instead?
It must be so hard for you being all the way out there without your family but please take heart from what everyone is saying. It IS a nightmare at first. Just awful (I had a sleeper so not as bad for me but I still found it shocking). Your job is just to get through the days. Keep feeding and stay on the sofa with a DVD until the madness passes!
If you do want to try bf again, you could probably get some advice on here about it. It can be a long haul (it was for me) but if you feel like giving it a go or that giving it a go might help you feel better then there's help on here. If you decide (very reasonably) that that's going to make your life tougher not easier right now, then good for you and stick with what you are doing.
Please take heart - this will pass and you will get your nice lives back again but with a lovely little boy to boot.
oh missed your last post. I didn't sleep either. Couldn't sleep for about two weeks - I was too revved up to sleep. Don't worry about that. It's just the shock of your new life. You will sleep eventually.
PS no decent health professional would diagnose pnd in the first week - otherwise we'd all have had it!!!! I believe the baby blues is the norm and those who have an 'easier' ride, are unusual. you are not depressed, just adjusting to a new life and you will get there. I was the same with the sleep thing. i felt totally wired and when ds fell asleep, it took me an hour or more to drop off and then ds would wake!! Maybe try: baby falls asleep so you go to sleep (with ear plugs in) and dh agrees to do next stint and then you swap and so on????
neurotic lady, don't want to worry you, and don't think there is anything to worry about at thsi time, but, especially as you don't have family support, etc...it would be worth keeping an eye on this, just incase it devellopes into PND.
I found the first six weeks were the worst after my DD1 was born. We finally got into the groove of being parents (things that seem a nightnmare to get done now will feel like second nature to you by March) and slowly started to enjoy our daughter. She became less wobbly and a little less keen on crying and started to smile at us. Those tiny smiles are a great reward!
Your lives will never be the same as before and the change is a major shock to the system (not to mention recovering from the birth and your illness). Be kind to yourselves, continue taking about how you're feeling with your partner and things should get better .
ooops. loulou, does have a point, by the way...but I see you already mentioned worries about pnd...was honestly not suggesting that I think you have, just that, if yuou feel lonely, etc...there is a possibility that you are more likely to experience it, iykwim
when DS was newborn i said to DP 'God I am so sorry for ruining our lives' and I really meant it... i hope that the replies on here have helped, to echo a previous poster I wish I'd had Mumsnet in those early weeks because I just thought I was an evil ungrateful person but I just felt so ill and so tired and just wanted DS to shutup and go away... he was same as Maebees Lo tho I am sure he just hated being a newborn, bored silly/frustrated - cried loads, slept little but much better once on the move and could interact, now he is a high energy, funny, hyper wee chatterbox and far from my life being ruined i couldnt be happier - he is my wee pal for life so I guess what I am trying to say is we all understand and sympathise and are sorry it is crap for you just now, but it will get better
Am trying not to cry at your lovely replies - and kiskidee a big hug to you for the links. Am typing with one hand with baby in the other who is finally silent and i daren't move... must try and get some sleep ... though somehow I think I'll be back on here before too long!
As everyone says, the newborn bit really is totally appalling.
However, really good that PND is on your radar... it's very early days and things change so quickly at this point, but if you're still feeling grim in say a week's time -- ie, if the gloom isn't really lifting at all -- you should deffo talk to someone.
I had PND, it set in very early and never budged (anxiety, unable to sleep, crying all the time, hopelessness, feeling inadequate, fearfulness: all fairly usual new-mother emotions, but they never, ever shifted). Like you I had this panic that all the 'joy' had just drained away and would never come back. Quite soon after I worked out I was ill and sought help, the joy came back with bells on and I had a lovely time with my baby.
Anyway, it's a good thing to keep at the back of your mind for the time being.
3andnomore - bless you!! I was the same as neuroticlady and felt numb/scared/no love etc but i soon discovered it was sleep deprivation. when i got some sleep, i could look at him differently iyswim.. but you're right, without any changes (ie support, more sleep etc) pnd more likely. If you keep posting on mumsnet neuroticlady, people here will support/advise/listen to you. wish i had found it when ds was wee, it would have saved so much stress and worry!!! Keep in touch but right now, get some sleep!!!
lordy - this thread has made me cry just remembering how overwhelming/ frightening / horrible/ exhausting and worst-of-all guilt inducing (I wasn't able to BF for various reasons) it all felt (which is unfortunate since I'm at my desk at work). Our family was also 12000 miles away (in oz and nz)- it certainly makes it that much more scary knowing that you don't, in practical terms, have a support network that you can call on, even if you wanted to.
It WILL get better, even if you can't see the light at the tunnel right at this moment. really.
Just wanted to echo the other posters - it really does get easier and one day, you will look at your DS and realise that you love him more than anything in the world and would do anything for him but those first few weeks are absolute crap!
I really felt like I was just going through the motions with DS when he was born - feeding, changing, dressing etc - but I didn't love him and I used to sit and fantasise about our old life and really really wished I could go back. It was particularly hard as he was being sick all the time so we didn't want to go out in case he puked everywhere, we were constantly on edge waiting for him to puke etc so it was really tough. Funnily enough, the moment I realised I loved him more than anything was when he ended up in hospital and needed an operation at 8 weeks old and I cannot describe how awful that moment was when I had to hand him over to the anaesthatist (sp?) and walk away. Obviously I wouldn't wish that on anyone but there will come a time when you realise that your new life is actually better - DS is now 19 months old and our 'new' life is so much better for having him as he brings so much joy to us both.
Sorry for waffling but as everyone else has said, things will improve
neuroticlady, I could have written your post just over 2 years ago when I had DS1. He, like your baby was very much wanted but when he arrived I felt like I had been hit by a truck, that my life would never be the same and that I wished I had never had him, everyone around me who had babies seemed to find it a breeze whilst I was really struggling, but I have realised that they were probably lying!!!
Like everyone else says, it does get better and you will fall in love with your baby - I certainly did and have even gone on to have DS2 who is now 9 weeks old and it is so much better second time around
i don't think i really felt much love towards DD until about 6 weeks just overwhelming fatigue, fear, overwhelming responsibility etc could never relax enough to sleep during the day etc etc it really does get better hang on there, i wish i also had known about MN at the time. Sending you lots of love across the continents NO-ONE TELLS YOU QUITE HOW HARD IT WILL BE and no-one else seems to be going through it either
and by way of advance warning, I think it's also normal (tell me it's normal, people) to start having riduculous arguments over what to the casual and non-sleep-deprived observer seem very minor issues: whether the formula has been warmed up enough/too much / why it has taken so long; what is wrong with the other person's calming technique; whether the baby should sleep on your chest or in its cot/moses basket; once your DH goes back to work (assuming he is), why he's half an hour late home; and (drum roll) who is / isn't the most tired. I suggest you write yourselves a note to this effect so that you can read it back in a couple of weeks time.
This is perfectly normal. You don't always get instant love when your baby is born.
I ended up having post natal depression quite badly. Keep an eye on your feelings, if they don't leave or if they get worse in the next few weeks then go to your Dr.
I am back to my old self now and love my daughter sooooooooooo much I wish I could have back the time I had with her as a new born baby.
Neuroticlady, I clearly remember being at the microwave warming DD1s bottle (small gap between DDs), with newborn DD2 in my arms, making myself give her a kiss as I didn't think I had given her one all day and then being absolutely wracked with guilt. Anyone who says the first six weeks with a newborn isn't hell, is lying! Best of luck. Rx
This is only too normal. I explained it to a pregnant friend as living in a bubble for the first 2 months. Nothing seems real. It seems asd if reality will never return. Everyone is exhausted. You are trying to learn so many new skills. Dont WORRY!! Try to get as mucj help as you can and take it a day (or hour) at a time. It soon passes!
Oh god I felt exactly the same. It didn't help that DD had colic for the first 4 mths and NEVER stopped screaming. TBH I found having the second much easier than the first - even though it meant I had two under two's. Hang in there, it will get easier
I don't have much to add, everyone here has echoed what i felt. I had twins very early (29 weeks), so had 8 weeks of them being in hospital and being looked after PROPERLY by PROFESSIONALS. The minute I got them home, I felt helpless, useless, pathetic and a failure.
For example for the first few days we would take it in turns to be upstairs with them and one or other of us would go out for supplies....if it was my turn to sit with them i didn't go to the loo, i didn't move basically....I would sit and sob wondering how on earth people made it through. Then it twigged, people do make it through, people go on to have MORE kids, so seriously how bad can it be?
It took me a good year to settle down properly, would feel very shaky a lot of the time.....I went back to work when they were 5 months old and I would dread going to pick them up, break into a cold sweat, panic almost. They are now 3, and I would love another! I can vividly remember how shit it used to be, but I also know how differently I would do everything. I have learned so much. (I also stupidly think one would be easier, but know i would have been the same had i had one instead of two)
At the time you are going through it, it's the worst experience of your life, but it really does fade, but I also remember being told the same and hating hearing it, thinking "but it's not fading, they are not sleeping, I can't go anywhere, do anything...." You find your own course, theres no right and wrong, but I can guarentee the minute you do take a deep breath and think I can do this, your little man will settle too. They feed off our angst and its a viscious circle, you get wound up, he gets more shouty, you cry, he's cries, blah blah.
What helped me was just trying to focus on the little happy things (rather than the great big disasterous things going on as my old life dissolved!). Things like when he had a good feed and was calm, or when he fell asleep in my arms. or when me and DS managed to eat a sandwich together, little triumphs
oh and take some pics of him looking angelic and sleeping, so you can run off and look at them when he's giving his lungs a good exercise.....it used to calm me instantly - and still use a variation on a theme now when I have two quarrelling toddlers to contend with.
It always feels worse in the middle of the night because you think you're the only ones, but really there are households all over experiencing the same! Nature plays the trick of making you forget the really bad bits once you are past them which is why no-one tells you the truth before you have the baby. It gets better - look at all the people who have 2, 3, 4 etc etc babies. Try writing things down i.e times screaming, awake, sleeping etc then in a few weeks when you think you are having a bad night you can look back and you'll realise its got better!
sorry you are having a rough time. I felt exactly like you. We found it so hard. The most miserable time of my life to be honest, we did't have a clue what we were doing. All this talk of a babymoon seemed to be the biggest joke ever!
Ignore the housework (easier said than done when you are running out of clean clothes / the bins are overflowing mind you!), get as many take aways as you can afford / bear. It will get better in time. Your life has changed so much that its proably normal to be freaked out by it. Can you arrange for your parents to help out when they come over so you can get a haircut or go for a quick meal with your DH. To have just an hours break from a small baby seemed like a lovely holiday to me! Arrange what you can now so you have something to look forward to. Big love and hugs to you all x
nlady - YOU ARE NORMAL. VERY VERY NORMAL not breast feeding - so what. having weird 'why have we done this' - so what.
The great thing is you as parents are talking about it.
I felt the same when I had my FOURTH SON - couldnt remember what to do, cried, became somewhat manic, felt everybody was thinking 'shes 41 its her 4th child, she will know what she is doing.'
It really will improve. Be kind to yourself. I had to write down what I had to do each day - you will get into a routine and start enjoying it. Little steps.
oh and SHARE your baby with each other - i mean properly share....you have him for a few hours, then DH. It makes the few hours you have him for easier becuase you know you are due a few hours peace later on, then you are fresher when its your turn to take over.
As my two got older, I would feed them in the morning and then dh would send me to sleep in the spare room and he'd deal with them, nappies, cuddling, the next feed (this was at weekends) and it would make the night time easier to deal with as i knew in a few hours time i would get some 'time off', but be aware dh will need some him time too - as long as you listen to each other, and TRY to understand the others feelings you will get through this.
Neurotic lady - I haven't read all the replies, so apologies if I am repeating what has already been said, but byGod you are normal, YES!
Parenthood is a HUGE adjustment. Nobody, no matter what they say, can quite prepare you for the lack of sleep, the physical demands, the boredom and mundanity and repetitiveness, the overwhelming sense of responsibility and the sheer bloody back breaking hard work of it. It is a big shock to the system for most people - possibly the biggest you will ever face.
All I can say is - it will get better (although it might get worse before it does!). You will adjust. You will travel up that steep learning curve, doubting yourself at every turn along the way probably (!), and you will look back at this stage and see it for what it is - a whole new chapter in your life, the hardest but also the most amazing thing you have ever done. And the funniest thing is (might not seem funny now...!) you may well decide to do it all over again.
In the meantime, get as much support from family and friends as you can. Get yourself into the mindset of 'it takes a village to raise a child'. Don't think you have to do it all yourself, or get everything 'right'. And rest assured - almost everyone on Mumsnet knows exactly how you both feel :-)
DH sat on the stairs crying when we got back from the hospital I just gibbered.
It gets better soon
Try and get some help and give yourselves a break, can you get a cleaner, ready meals/takeaways for a bit. Or when you cook do massive amounts and freeze several meals.
p.s. Just remembered so clearly the first few months of my son's life (now about to turn 3 yrs old) - like a proper flashback! I had barely recovered from the birth and there I was - supposed to be caring for this little creature, when all I wanted was to be looked after myself. He cried all the time. I didn't know why. Breastfeeding was hard. It hurt. I was tired all the time. I cried all the time. I barked at my husband all the time. I worried about everything, constantly. I looked like a sack of cold shit. Our flat was a complete tip (God, it was grim!). I was convinced that I had to do it all perfectly to be a <gasp> GOOD MUM. I beat myself up because I wasn't some how managing to keep the bathroom sparklingly clean and the washing ironed and in neat piles, while also looking pretty and effortlessly BF-ing my newborn, oh, and receiving visitors and going to mum&baby groups and...blah blah blah. It was HARD. And I felt like screaming 'WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?'. To which my friends with babies said 'Urrr, we did. But you were too busy folding up your little piles of white babygrows and obssessing about which buggy to get to listen'.
Hi and congratulations ! I remember feeling like this when my ds was born I just wished I could have returned to my life before baby. It will and does get easier I think around the 6 weeks mark things pick up and it gets a bit easier. I said never ever again and now have a dd who was 1 last month. It is good to talk dont bottle it up and if you want to have a cry then cry. Take care try and rest when he rests and stuff the houseowrk for now, before you know it he will be at the terrible 2's but that is a whole new chapter.
First steps - tahnk god for you, i felt EXACTLY the same with ds (now 2) and have another on the way - very worried that it will be the hell it was first time around. i had forgotten how bad it was until i had got pregant and now all i can think about is how will we cope and its too late to have doubts now!! I too had friends who seemed to find it all really easy - i now know they were either lying or have had problems since. Ds is great now and i have fallen in love with him (made me cry when i read that bit in your post - must be my hormones)!!
Have you got your buggy set up and ready to go yet? A turning point for me was just getting into the fresh air and going for a (very slow) stroll with my partner and baby. It's amazing how the baby will calm down when on the road too- and its great for your sanity!
My DD did her first proper smile at around 7 weeks and it felt like a reward for all the hard work! Finally it felt as though she knew, and cared, that I was there.
Have you found that no matter how many books on babies you read before the birth, you can't remember a single word? I forgot to wind my DD for about 4 days!
The best piece of advice I received was to sleep when the baby sleeps. It's obvious, but it makes a huge difference. Forget the cleaning and anything practical, just sleep and eat! xx
Also, try to laugh about it, it is pretty bizarre to think how two previously sane and respectable adults can be become the crazed and befuddled servants of such a tiny creature...
I've got some really funny (now to look back on it, not then of course) photos all three of us in the depths of night, wide awake, in various states of undress, both baby and me leaking god knows what all over the place, boxes, dirty nappies, cards, flowers, half eaten meals all heaped up everywhere in our bedroom.
I could have written that message myself just over a year ago - in fact the best advice I got pre-birth was from my sister who said not to be surprised if I felt overwhelmed and wondered why I'd had the baby after a few days. It happened to her, it happened to me (though despite her advice I thought it wouldn't) and I bet it happens to loads of people. After I'd cried down the phone to her when she called to see how I was doing one day, she said it gets better when you accept that your life has changed. And it does. But that doesn't mean life is like that for ever - just for the short time until your baby and you get used to each other. Bit by bit you will regain your freedom, whether it's when your baby's naps become slightly more regular as they get older or as you feel you can entrust them to other people while you have a break. A year on, my LO is at a childminder's a day and a half a week and DH looks after him for another day and a half, I work three days a week and everything is great. It just takes time, honest. And it gets heaps better.
Your post could have been written by me right down to the bit about questioning whether he was a good idea. Tbh, it took me (and DH) quite a while to get over it. It really helps when they finally sleep at night and you can have some time alone or having a nice evening with your dh.
If you still feel overwhelmed after a few months talk to your HV.
Finally, 4 years and a second child later and I can honestly say that my children give my life a meaning which it would never have had without them and the unconditional love which they offer is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
I hated the baby stage with both my DS's, but LOVE the toddler stage.
The main issue is tiredness. I remember when we got home from the hospital with DS1, and we were up all night trying to work out the nappies, where to put him to sleep etc. It all seemed so hard and no fun at all, and we hadn't slept for 3 nights. Remember, it can only get better! You need to take turns with your DH to sleep. When my DH went back to work, for the next few weeks I went to bed as soon as he got home from work, he did all the feeds til midnight and then I took over.
Don't feel pressured to do anything which you don't enjoy. I got really depressed by going to mother and baby groups as I had a really difficult baby and felt that a lot of the mums at these groups had easier babies and were there to chat, which I couldn't do. So I went out for lots of long walks with my DS, visited lots of places I had never been to, and got really fit! Enjoy the small pleasures. If you drive, babies fall asleep in the car. But hopefully you will have a contented baby.
Wear a sling in the house so that you can get things done.
Really, it is a steep learning curve - everything seems hard at first, but you will get used to it and will start to feel more normal. Keep a check on your health - iron levels, thyroid etc too.
what a lifeline you all are. thank you for the amazing response to my cry for help. sorry about typing but one handed. as much as i wish i could say i got some sleep last night the baby was fretting and awake from 2am until about 15 minsago - 7am. i feel numb, panicky, sick, and nothing for this helpless child. i just want to get away from him. your posts have assured me what we are going through is not so unusual, and i just have to try and hang on in there for it to get better, so good to hear you all saying it does. that hasbeen my biggest fear - that we have made thismassive mistake and our lives will forever feel and be this bad! i know it's sleep deprivation talking but that's how it feels, though you all know that from your posts.
thank you for helping me, i will keep posting here as i can see this will be my lifeline through the next few weeks. i had such high ambitions about being the perfect mother and getting him into a routine - ha! now i don't care what i do when as long as i get some precious sleep at some point. i'll get dh to take over now and will try and calm down enough to at least rest - too keyed up to sleep, i never know i could look or feel so shit - and at what everyone tells you is the happiest time of your life. sorry again about lack of punctuation. just trying to keep him still and asleep.
i am so grateful to everyone for posting. i am going to re-read properly when not so emotional. thank you. x
p.s. i am in sydney to the poster who asked. parents coming out in two weeks and i am hanging on for dear life to that thought.
God, I've just had major flash backs to how I felt when I read your message. Honest to God, I thought I must have postnatal depression ir something cos I felt so hopeless and also had no idea why my baby was crying. Thankfully he was always good at night so it gave me and my husband a bit of respite to gather our thoughts and feelings. I honestly got to the point where I just didn't want anything to do with our son when he was crying. I just couldn't handle it so thank God my husband was there! My baby was and still is very high needs and I still feel like pulling my hair out somedays (he's six months old!). The feelings I have now though are totally different to what I had then. I think the problem is that in the beginning it just feels like 'hard work' looking after this baby that you don't really know yet. Don't worry about the feelings your having. I swear it's completely normal, although at the tine I didn't realise that all my friends had felt the same way (some for a couple of months). I remember on the twelth day of having my son just crying and feeling so crap. It must be hormones and also the fact that it's just an endless cycle of the baby crying and feeding, it's exhausting to say the least. I'm glad to say that on day 17 I fell so in love with my baby (I specifically remember the day and time as I finally stopped feeling like a heartless bitch who didn't know if I wanted my baby!). Like you, we had spent a long time planning our son but nothing can prepare you for the hard work and the hormonal changes involved. Some people sail through it but I really think that the majority of people feel exactly the way you described. It's completely normal and understandable! You'll be fine, even if it takes some time!
Everyone else has said it already, butjust wanted to echo their sentiments... I remember that song kept going through my head for weeks when i was in the v.same state of shock after having dd2 last April (ten year gap between her and dd1 so just the same as being first time mum if you ask me!!!)... "Have to believe it's getting better, it's getting better all the time...!"
Good luck, sleep when you can and have a larf at silly things whenever possible... you are a brilliant mum!!!
I couldn't not post on this one. I'm so glad to see the best of mumsnet supporting you and your other half! Like so many others have said, your post brings back memories of such a terrifying time. I remember endless nights of being unable to settle our daughter, days of doing nothing but feeding and pacing up and down. I was so scared of this tiny little person and had no idea what to do for the best.
I had horrible postnatal depression, which was for the most part hormonal and unpreventable, but I think my perfectionist personality contributed, and the feeling of wanting to do everything by the book. If having another baby, I would be so much kinder to myself. Please don't worry about bad habits, sleep routines etc etc. It will all work out in a way that works for your family in the end.
It WILL get better. There will be new challenges, but as time goes on you will feel much more equipped to deal with them, because you will have dealt with many before.
When my daughter was very tiny and I was feeling pretty wretched, I got into bed with her and we had skin to skin contact which seemed to calm her. It was also a really nice relaxing experience for me.
Come back and tell us all how you are getting on. MN is a great support.
Nothing prepares you for the shock of getting home with a baby and trying to do it "right". Don't worry it gets a little better every day (although you won't notice it some days) and one day you'll notice you have your life back but a much more wonderful life than before. Forget routines for the moment, much more tiring than going with the flow. Congratulations!
By the way, everyone has visions of being the perfect mum. You might feel crap now (I honestly wanted to get on a bloody plane to Sydney and leave my baby behind in the uk!) It's not til you look back and realise that you're not being a crap mum just because you don't feel the instant rush of love that some people bullshit about. You don't know this little person yet. It takes a while for your body and your mind to recove. I really think that most people feel this way if they're honest. No one likes to talk abut it that's all. Believe me you are not alone in wanting to get away. Just remembered an incident where my husband was comforting our baby and I said I was off to the toilet, I sat on the toilet for twenty minutes just because I didn't have the evergy to pretend to love this little boy anymore. It was an awful time and I must admit, thinking back to those initial feelings, I still feele a bit guilty now but please be assured that it does pass. Soon your little bundle of joy will be smiling and cooing (still crying but it doesn't feel so bad when you understand them a bit more!) and you will feel exactly how you thought you would and you'll be the mother you always dreamed you'd be, even if you make mistakes along the way, which we all do! Sorry to blab on but I really feel strongly about this as so many people feel this way and are made to feel ashamed of it. IT'S NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am just rehashing what people have said but you are comlpetely normal, the first few weeks are a blur of feeding, crying, me not getting dressed. I don't think I washed beyond flannel washes over the basin for about 2 or 3 weeks after DD1 was born as I couldn't work out when to do it!
Bonding will come with time. Take him out, put him in a buggy or pram and get out of the house it will soothe him and then you get fresh air as well which will help you sleep. I was the same, I couldn't sleep when DD did as I was too wound up and hadn't left the house for days. Then I found if I walked for half an hour I could sleep and she slept better as she was noisiest when she was tired.
Gosh it all came flooding back reading your post - I remember sitting at the end of the garden on the Sunday after we'd left hospital on the Wednesday and feeling utter overwhelming panic at the enormous responsibility. I knew I had a baby who needed looking after but I wasn't quite transferred into the baby camp.....My heart lurched every time he cried, I worried about everything. It all seems a blur really, My best friends baby had colic at the same time constantly for 3 months. She would frequently arrive war weary and tearful and we'd both end up in tears !! But.....it is all sooooo worth it. You get "used" to it, you then get a bit more sleep, you then get a bit more perspective on life, you then realise they are getting a bit older and things aren't quite as bad as they were and you then think "ok I can do this" and then you have a bad day and think "ok maybe not" and so the cycle goes on.....but now I have an 18 month old who is cute and funny and a pain in the arse at times and exhausting and despite the fact that I didn't feel overwhelming love when he was first born, it gradually crept up on me. When he gave me a little kiss over the bath for the first time a few weeks ago, well , I just melted......
These first 3 months will feel like a lifetime but take one day at a time and accept any help you can....and look after each other too.....
neuroticlady i really feel for you. I remember when i had dd (now 16mths) and i had never been around children or babies in my whole life. When she was born it was a big shock to the system. Those first few weeks where you don't know where your at is very hard and very testing on even the strongest of relationships.
Things start to improve when you get into a routine which can take time but you do get there in the end i promise. My friends baby cried non stop for 4 days when she was a baby. She is now a happy little girl who is a joy to her mother.
In the first few weeks of DD's life I actually thought to myself that I could understand why some people choose to remain childless, and wished I had done so.
Don't worry, it passes. The first 6 weeks are pretty hellish. but it's a relative short period of time in your life. it will get easier. Good luck
and then you need to ring you hairdressers and ask them just to wash and dry your hair - no time for a cut but if they wash it (with a good head massage too) you will feel a lot better. The other person can walk the streets with baby whislt this is going on. If you don't have a sling get one! And if you can bear it - get outside and just walk - good chance baby will sleep
I just gibbered.
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