I'm not desperate, and would not take anything on offer. Believe it or not I get a lot of offers but its been a long time since I've met someone where I felt such overpowering chemistry, hence been single for a while.

Anyway it's over now before its began. So no harm done.

I wont contact him now because I dont want to run the risk of upsetting anyone.

You sound a bit desperate like you would accept anything. A bit lost.

Stay away from this man. If it turns into something it could really hurt his family. What did you find out that you didn't like! You already knew he had a wife and kids.

Agree with Frumpygrumpy. It shows you have love inside you and you are ready for something. Unfortunately the first object turned out to be the wrong one. It'll be a bit of a wrench to let go, but the love is still there, you need to be free to give it to a suitable person (ie one who's free to have all the fun you like, and spend his time, money and attention on you ).

The connection on your part feels strong because at the time of your original meeting you did not know he was not single.

You liked him and, because it is human nature, your mind ran ahead a little and imagined what could come next. Then you found out he is not single. But your mind has already begun playing the game.

This is now a mind game. And you have to be clever enough to fix it.

Why did you meet him then

I wont see him again, after all he lives a long way away and he wont make the drive up for a peck on the cheek and rejection again.

It feels really tough though and I'm surprised at the strength of feeling on my part.

Please dont become the OW, it starts off fun at the beginning but will only lead to heartache. It may be painful not to meet up with this bloke but it will be more painful in the long run it you do start a relationship knowing hes involved with someone else,

It is not a case of luck OR love in this instance, sorry to be harsh. I am sad that you felt the need to meet him - now you have shown him that you don't mean it when you say no. I qpuld expect him to keep trying now, and the bump back to earth will be from a much higher place.

Well, as long as you go with your gut instinct. Your ex sounds more free just wondering why he is an ex ......

We have met up today. I know it was wrong. I was hoping that in the cold light of the day I wouldnt have felt the same attraction. I was wrong it was stronger. Went for a stroll, had a chat etc. Found out more. Dont feel so bad now but not happy with what I have found out.

That's it though I wont see him again. An ex flame sent me the I still love you messages last night and I've been chatting to him. Its wierd how he pops up when I'm on the threshold of something new. Its a year since I've spoken to him and 2 and a half years since I've seen him. Its taken my mind of all this.

There is something in the air atm in my life. My love life has never ran smoothly. I envy people who just seem to get it right. Thanks for asking. I know I'm not a bad person just very unlucky in love.

Keep perspective.

You wouldn't be asking for advice on here if you felt totally ok with it.

It could be something great......but it should begin on a solid, honest, strong footing if its going to truly be great.

Give yourself that chance. Don't skulk around.


How is everything else in your life? If other things are a little stressed/down then these things can become the only light and thus the most attractive.

So, how is it going? Has he been in touch?

Yes MZ, that is true! I saw my near miss man a few weeks ago and I was struck again by how good-looking he is. I don't miss him on an every day basis now that he no longer works with me (out of sight out of mind sort of thing) but I know I would still be tempted if I met him face to face. Not saying I would actually do anything because I now see what a shit he was, but the physical attraction would still be there.

Dilemma - I do have a far understanding of how you are feeling. I know that it took about six months for me to actually realise what he was really like. You may still be tempted overthe next few weeks, especially if he keeps in at you. Remember, if he really respects you, he will keep well away from you.

When the idea of snogging this guy makes you snort with laughter, then you can safely be friends. And you may well get to that stage - think of some of your past crushes, for instance, or any XPs that are far enough in the past to be friends and nothing more.

Hi Dior and Lou33, I'm abouteve really (wisper emotion). I got a nice text from him today said respect etc. I'm feeling very positive about my decision today and am very happy that I asked mumsnet for advice.

We are all planning to meet up at a festival, mutual friends, (hippy emotion) with the kids and his partner in a couple of months and at least we may have a friendship.

My niece is trying to set me up on a blind date with a single man and hey I may go.

ha, now there is a good turn of phrase

Erm...I think you already have Lou - several times

I honestly can't believe I couldn't see through him. It was like I was seeing something different to what was really there. 'Nob dismorphia' maybe?

Dior, can i say i told you so now?

YOu might not be, but I was! I was going through a very hard time with my h and this guy was in the office I started working in. He seemed lovely, but was really a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I wonder if I am vulnerable. I know what I like and turn men down rather than start anything that I cannot follow through. I havent had sex for a over a year although I've had opportunities. Is that vulnerable? Anyway I wasnt vulnerable enough as I've got rid now. Its all gone very quiet.

Posibility that our paths will cross again. Mutual friends involved but he does live about 100 miles away so its at arms length.

Yes, it was a book on how to get vulnerable women into bed.

INadilemma, hopefully his continued pestering will help you see what a selfish dick he is. Men who keep trying when they have been turned down are always bad news, they just want what they can't have and will be downright nasty once they have got it.
If he keeps saying he only wants to be friends, try telling him you want to be friends with his wife too, which should get rid of him.

He had a book on it!! Well a few of my friends read the rules etc so I suppose its a similar thing. I think he's got the same book. Because even though I've told him to go away hes very practised in the art.

Just remember that he is only being persistent because he didn't get to the final prize. He is taken so should not be persuing you. If he were genuinely smitten with you, he would have left his partner. A lot of men know what to say to vulnerable women. My near miss actually had a book on how to prey on them and get what you want.

You've read my mind Dior. It doesnt feel great just now. He's being very persistent. I dont know your history but hope that things worked out well for you in the end. Men what complete bastards, sorry my state of mind atm.

You have, most definitely. It may not REALLY feel that way yet, but it will one day. I have been there, except I was the married one. He was flirting with every female he met, although he covered his tracks well and made me feel special at the time. I am so glad I didn't sleep with him, but it took a long time to feel that way.

Yes, I did post because I knew it was wrong. Re the issues in my head. I have been single for a long time and usually go into relationships because I feel I should give it a go, albeit half heartedly. Its not often I meet someone that I really like. And when I do well there is usually a catch.

Thanks for everyones advice on this. I've knocked it on the head now and know I've done the right thing.

inadilemma, I can only hope you posted because you knew it was wrong and wanted some confirmation of the sort.
I'm glad you didn;t go for it but I think now you need to address issues in your own head.
Why don't you deserve more?
That's the crux of the issue, not the guy who, sadly, wil probably just find someone else to cheat on his wife with, but you and how you're going to respect yourself more.

I knew posting on here would help me make up my mind. No-one would have condoned it. I'm glad I cancelled too. I feel so relieved now. It never got to an affair except in our heads. I'm very reserved when it comes to sleeping with anyone but I must admit I was tempted this time and he was attached which is even worse. I couldnt have lived with myself if I'd let it happen.

It would have been so not worth it.

Without meaning this in a patronising manner...well done for cancelling. When I told the man who was trying to get me into bed that I thought it was not a good idea, he gave me the, 'I understand and I really like you' crap. He then spent the next 3 months ignoring me.

I think you have hit the nail on the head there. I dont think I deserve any better, but dont usually suffer fools so gladly.

why do you dislike yourself so much that you would 'fall in love' with someone who cheats on his partner?

you deserve better, you need to tell yourself that every day

And lou33 is very fussy. I am too, dont know what came over me this time.

It's amazing how the attached ones can make you feel like a princess. Whereas the single ones always seem to be on there guard.

you never know what's out there. glad you told him to jog on thou (lou33's phrase there!)

apparently it's good to be fussy

inadilemma - I hit my thirties with a failed marriage and NUMEROUS failed relationships behind me. I was utterly resigned to being alone for ever and had totally given up on ever having kids. I came home from work one night and my housemate wanted to go out for drink, I was knackered and said ok for an hour only and didn't even bother to get dressed up. I met someone who I married within six months and now have two DC with. We have our ups and downs but I wouldn't change it for anything. It can and does happen - I am living proof. I am really glad you called it off. There is something else waiting for you I am sure.

Thanks Macdoodle. I hope I do. I'm resigned now to being on my own, but you never know what's round the corner.

A life without lust not love and with integrity. As a single person you badly need to keep your heart open to meeting a really decent man. Having a tawdry fling with a dishonest twat means said twat is taking up the emotional space that should be filled with a decent bloke (of which there are lots btw). good luck and well done.

dilemma - I have read this and (as someone who has recently been through hell as an OW) one of the best bits of advice I've heard here is the one that said - these men are very good at making you think they are a great catch. Somehow I think we have part of our brain that can be overriden in the face of an attractive sexual proposition no matter how morally wrong we know it to be. You sound now like I sounded back in November. I have subsequently almost wrecked my life and family for a smooth talking attached man who knew how to manipulate my weaknesses, and was prepared to let me thing it was love and a wonderful unigue friendship and connection until things got complicated..

My only advice can be - be prepared to walk away with dignity intact.

sending you love and strength x

Yes he's got kids. I have been left and cheated on also but it was a long time ago. I guess I'm just hardened to it.

I'm sorry for women who are going through breakups and it was insensitive posting this thread. But your advice has made me see sense.

Well done Makes me feel better TBH
He is a prat and will hurt his family anyway but at least you don't have to help him
And you will find love with someone who deserves you ...and IMO it is better to be alone than feel like a shit (or be with one)!

I've text him and cancelled. He's replied that he respects my decision but wasnt assuming anything! Hes giving me the hard sell.

So its all nipped in the bud before it started. It was only a kiss and I was wrong to let him kiss me.

Thanks mumsnetter now I will carry on my lonely life without love.

Has this man got kids? Because if so you should be bloody ashamed of yourself for even considering this. I don t want to flame you OP but when you look at the pain in some of the posts on this board caused by behaviour such as this, I am actually really surprised that you posted this "dilemma" here.

And yes I know its the man who is the arse blah blah blah - but he didn't post or I would have let HIM have it with both barrels too.

You want something to happen, that's why you want to go through with meeting him again.

You should back off.

This man has no respect for any woman.

He cheats on his wife.

He kisses you without bothering to inform you he's in a relationship, taking away your choice in the matter.

What's so 'great' about that?

But you don't sound as though you really want to hear any of the sensible advice you've been given.

quite macd.

it's simple attached or married men are out of bounds end of discussion. pack him back to his partner/wife.

And before anyone says it - yes the men are mostly to blame, they are the ones betraying their familes, yes they feed the OW a line of crap blah blah we know - we blame the men we are angry with them.....
BUT FGS why on earth would you belive them have you never heard of "just say no"

Oh and trying to disguise it as love or a connection is just plain pathetic in my book!

No I agree AL she won't will she - I think it is either something you find morally wrong or not and the fact that you even consider it shows which kind you are

When I told my MIL about a silly girl who was had been draped all over my DH in a pub when she was extremely drunk and then continued to try to pursue him by passing on her phone number to various people to give to him, MIL said "Why doesn't she piss off and find her own man"

I suggest you follow that advice.

But you wont.

I'm glad you meant it that way TFF. I've just read over your first post again and it def sounds like you are telling her to go for it if she wants something shallow!

It wasn't clear that you didn't mean with him!

Love at first kiss oh FGS are you 12?? Lust more like
Quint I disagree - the fact she is posting on here implies that she in fact feels that she should go and stuff the consequences - my H OW bleated blah blah how hurt she got...hmm she knew he was married with a child whatever crap he spun her she COULD have walked away!! IMO if you get involved with an attached man and then get hurt frankly my dear you deserve it!!
Go look at Carmenere's thread if the ones full of pain and heartbreak don't move you - that is how someone with an ounce of human empathy and morality behaves ....am going away now too close to home

No..Anorak. I said be HONEST with yourself. HONEST about what you're doing & what it means. If someone thinks it's ok to have "fun" with a married man then they need to admit to themselves that those are their intentions. To have nice sex even though that man has a wife & children maybe.

I didn't mean...go for it, as in "I think that's a great idea"

quite b4 the sex they're fantastic! after - not so much!

naughty sex? honestly if you want that sort of thing get yourself onto any of the 'adult' web sites and you'll find single guys in an abundance to do things which would make your mums eyes.... well would shock them a lot!

there's no connection, this is infatuation. walk away do the right thing here, if he contacts you again tell him you don't do married/attached men.

honestly as the wife of someone who went off - walk away and don't wreck it all. don't listen to his crap that he spins, sending him packing back to his partner - he'll do it because he can.

plenty more fishes in the sea (so i'm told)

Yes, AnneMR, especially before the sex!

...and men can be very charming and make you think that you are their world when this is what they want.

Connection my arse...this guy wants sex with someone different that's all.

It's not 'too late' to cancel, text him and tell him you have explosive diarrhoea and can't leave the bathroom.
I'm not a monogamist but he does sound like a prick. He's probably one of these blokes who just loves playing the tragic 'ooooh, if only I was single, we are star-crossed lovers' line to get other women to drop their knickers, and them he will blame them for the fact that he's breached the bounds of monogamy.
You, dear, are just horny and there are plenty of nice men out there. Best of luck.

Are you sure its him you're smitten with or that you're just really ready for a loving relationship?

If its the later there appear to be lots of dating sites people on here are using. Been thinking about checking some of them out.

No its not too late - don;t turn up! You're looking for excuses to go - don;t be a fool

Dilemma - love rats have the enviable talent of making themselves seem like the perfect guy...for as long as it gets them somewhere.

Believe me, if he will cheat on his partner, he will cheat on you. He isn't a catch, just very good as acting like one.

It was a magic moment. Just after I thought to myself. This is it, this is the one. It sounds crazy, I know, I am a grown woman ffs. Then I found out he was attached!!! It was almost love at first kiss. Still life is full of surprises and I'm starting to believe you cannot help who you fall for.

I wont tell him that I will be available if he splits with his partner. To me that's worse than having an affair in terms of trying to split a couple up. He hasnt even expressed any dissatisfaction with his current relationship.

Its too late to cancel the meeting its going to be over a coffee in broad daylight and I will get some answers then.

Thefearlessfreak - You think if she only wants naughty sex she should go for it?

Even if the man is your DH?

You are not a horrible person - you obviously know it is wrong which is why you asked on here. He is the shit - he has a family he knew all about when you met him, initially you didn't know about them so you have done nothing wrong. However if you do meet him even as a friend then you have no excuse and are as bad as he is.

Walk away - don;t go there, you are worth more than that

Back off - he is someone else.

Until a time comes when he is not attached I think you should stay as far away as possible. Even then I think you should stay away - if he cheats onthe current partner who is to stay he won't do it again to you.

Hes taken, back off. Go have a read through some of the relationship threads and you will see the hurt and pain that you are considering being party too. Walk away with your self respect.

feel *like a* 'safer' option - sorry

just a thought - if you've been hurt badly in the past the thought of getting in deep with an available guy might be very scary. So getting carried away with an unavailable guy might, in a strange way, feel 'safer' option you know that ultimately this relationship isn't going to go anywhere- hence the strength of your feelings.

Or I could be reading far too much into it... !

Whatever, he's a schmuck. He knew the score when he kissed you. You didn't - but now you do, walk away.

Thefearlessfreak. That is the dilemma. I have been beating myself up because I was a bit tempted to go for the naughty sex. I know I cannot do it. Other people can. I'm sure he can.

Look this is really simple - ring him and say sayonara until you are single. It may well be that his philandering is symptomatic of a crap relationship and if he feels the magic connection too, he might be inspired to disentangle himself and when he has you may have a chance of happiness with him. Or you might never hear from him again.
So it is a gamble but it is a win-win situation for you because if you never hear from him again you will know that he is a tosser and you will have been saved heartache. If you do you will know that you mean a lot to him and that you have behaved with integrity.
Just go and read some of the heartache caused by betrayal on mn and keep it in mind when you speak to him.
Seriously i know what I am talking about, do the right thing, you will be a better person for it.

No I dont Macdoodle. That's why I started this thread to put this silly attraction into some context as there is no-one in real life that I can discuss this with.

You are probably right that we are both horrible people, perhaps we deserve each other.

This is how I've been feeling anyway since it happened. Most mnetters are partnered and I know the pain when one partner falls in love with someone else and it's happened to me in the past.

Anyway damage limited as I'm not going to see him again.

walk away

If you meet him...something will happen & you know it. You have to be brutally honest with yourself & decide now. Can he really give you what you want or need if he's in a relationship? And can you respect that from him? Or, if you just want exciting & naughty sex then go for it. Be honest.

Yes he sounds lovely/a real catch/a perfect gent ..as do you
My god you only have to look at the relationship threads do you really want to be involved/cause in any way such pain and heartache ..and there are kids are there
Nice !

I hardly know him at all. I just cannot remember being so bowled over. It's as though I've fallen hook, line, and sinker. I feel really silly/.

I've had my heart broken and few times in the past and it hardened me up too much. Although I've gone through the motions with boyfriends, in the last 14 years since I was left whilst pregnant, I havent had any real feelings for anyone and its worried me.

Oh well at least I know I'm not such an ice maiden after all. Maybe I will feel this floored again with someone available. Sorry to go on but this is something alien to me.

There is no dilemma.

He is taken.

Stay right away.

There is more than one person for everyone and if he was the perfect man for you, let him finish with his partner first.

Even if he left his wife, would you ever be able to trust him knowing how you got together?

he kissed you whilst in a relatioship, he is a rat, you just haven't seen that sideyet.

You aren't smitten with the real him.

In six months time you'll be checking his phone to see if he's been unfaithful to you.

The outlook isn't good.

Not sure he did misrepresent himself. He appears to have a free and easy lifestyle when he is away from the family life and I presumed he was single.

It was after a lovely kiss that I asked him. I know I should have thought but I was swept of my feet. He may have assumed that I was the type that wouldnt care about his status but I obviously am very concerned, cannot be the OW.

Thank you all for talking some sense into me. Why does life have to be so complicated. Its like I've been waiting so long for such a connection and when it happens its all wrong. I know he feels the same and maybe he is a serial adulturer but just maybe he was taken by surprise too.

I'm going to tell him its no go.

Do not meet up as friends, you will only get hurt and cause hurt for his partner - get out whilst you still can

"meet up as friends " my arse

Yes it can only lead to heartache. Have enough self-respect to be very annoyed that he misrepresented himself to you and tell him you won't see him again.

Why would you want to have anything to do with a man who doesn't mind sneaking round behind his partners back? (Assuming here that she knows nothing of this 'friendship')

That in itself would put me right off...for good, friends or otherwise.

What would you think if your friend's boyfriend went out on a date with a single woman he was 'smitten' with? What would you say to your friend? Would you think that was okay?

he sounds like trouble altogether

he has made a connection with you and then let you know he is not single. He is an unfaithful lout by the sounds of him.

He can't be that "Great" if he's prepared to meet other women (and there may be others) whilst in a relationship with someone else. Probably best to leave well alone.

you will be doing the wrong thing in meeting him if you have feelings for him

stay away it is so not worth it...

Yes you are mad. Tell him that when he is no longer attached and if you are still single then perhaps you can go from there.

What's the point of meeting up as friends? There is an attraction there so you are both fooling yourself if you think you can be just friends. Either tell him to end his current relationship before you even go there or stay well away.

he has a partner...back off

Please dont flame me, obviously name changed for this, trouble is he is attached, I'm single.

I only realised this after a strong connection was made. I've met him before and presumed he was single.

We are both smitten but have arranged to meet up again as friends. Its a long time since I've felt this strongly and although I know we cannot go there I want to go through with the meeting. I will make sure nothing physical will happen. Am I mad? help can anyone talk some sense into me.