I dont know what to do. The pain is so bad. I love him so much and i desperatley want it to work.But i cant make him love me can i? Why am i always the one loves too much. Even my father left me and chose his lover over his children.

I feel so un loved, un wanted and i just hurt.

Has anyone been through this and worked it out.?

I should never have asked. Ive been making jokes for days about him never being in the mood and never in a million years did i expect this bombshell

just had to give you a virtual hug.

Just wondered how old he is. you are. I have been thru the same, and found that these words were very commonly used in situations where things had got stale. Or when major things had happened and rocked the foundations of a relationship.

Its devastating, but if both parties are stil wanting to make a go of it, then help is out there.

Maybe relate, or other counselling, to get a better ideaof what it going on with the dynamic of your marriage?

Unfortunately, my dh said this, and left that day, so i didn't get a chance.

sorry if thats not what u wish to hear.

I asked mine too. You ask for a reason.

i said 'whats wrong, don'tr you love me anymore' and he said no.

Make both of you a drink and sit down with him and talk.

Sorry for you going through this.

FWIW A few years ago I didn't know if I still loved my husband (he had done nothing wrong) but we are strong now and are fine.

Thank you pirate cat for ans.

We are both 40. Weve had it tough with all the kids and miscarriages and just general life has distantced us but we have been working on that and i thought things were getting back on track.

He says weve become just good friends and he respects all that i do, thinks im wonderfull bla bla bla BUT doesnt think he can give me the love, passion that i deserve.

Ive grilled and grilled if there is anyone else but he swears there isnt. Ive suggested counselling and for him to leave so he can have some space and think as he says he needs to get his head straight and work out exactley what he wants before we can move on.But he doesnt want to do that. he now wont stop cuddling and apologising me but that hurts even more. Ive sent him out in the garden so we can have some space.

I needed to talk to some one but cant face real life friends with this

Weve been talking for over an hour, Well crying mostley

Nothing wrong with being "just good friends" imo.

"love"....."in love"....just words that mean diff things to diff people.

Stick with it, if you can. You've been through a lot and I bet with a bit of effort the sex will come back.

Do you still like one another, it sounds as though you do and there's a lot to be said for that. Couldn't this be just a phase?
I can't imagine anyone has decade after decade of passion. How wearisome that would be.

Hey there

I was on the other side recently and told my DH that I felt we'd become just friends. It was actually the best thing to happen as we'd become very lazy with one another and very nearly separated. We did loads of talking and also tried to reignite the feelings we had for one another pre baby. It seems to have worked. Don't lose hope.
Its the worst feeling in the world to face the end of a relationship, but keep talking. I'm sure you'll find a solution.
Big hug to you. x

Sorry about your Dad.

Remember, your DH has told you he loves you.

That's it brightongirl, that's just it.

He loves you mrsm, this doesn't have to mean the end.

i am glad u r talking, this needs to be happening, and I am hopeful that you can see a way thru.

Its better that this is happening, it will alow you to re asses, and value what you have.

Yes he still likes me. I pointed out all my bad points to him but he says thats not it. I feel if there was somthing id done or do then it would be easier.

Your mesages are so touching, brightongirldownunder, you have given me hope.

Could it be mid life crisis?

I want to ask him to move out for a while so he has the space to think and sort out what he wants. Is this a good idea or not do you think?

no i don't think it's a good idea. i know its only my perspective and that is all I have exp of. I just think, talking, or going somewhere to talk, is more helpful.

I told mine to go, even tho i was devastated, i just thought 'well, if you feel like that about 'us', you can sod off and think' but he never came home, and it gave the demonic, childish side of him free reign to go and get stoned, and pretend at being a teenager!!!

I know your dh is not mine, but sometimes it doesn't work to be apart, becuase you need to talk.

No, don't push him away. And don't point out your "bad points" either.

There's that old chestnut "How can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself?"

Ok i wont. I did mention it earlier but he said there was no where for him to go so i wont push it. I just want him to be able to sort his head out but i guess it will take time.

He says im doing nothing wrong and its all him. Ive heard that a few times in my life though as we all prob have.

I have really started to like myself again, my old confidence is peepig through and it helped that things have been good between me and Dh apart from the lack of sex. We wont get chance to talk again till tonght as 3 kids 5 and under running about. its hard to keep this brave face on infront of the kids when i feel as if ive been kicked in the stomach.

He's asked me to go out and garden, with him but i think hes best on his own to think!

I think the depth of my emotions shocked him though. I havnt cried like that since i lost my babies

We had a relationship crisis a while back and my husband wasn't sure how he felt. He too said he loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me. We talked, I cried and we decided we both wanted to try to get things right again. It has been tough at times but about three weeks ago he told me that whilst he was still not certain how he felt, he was much more positive about us and said that I had provoked feelings in him that he had forgotten he could feel. Last week he told me that he does love me, that he is 'in love' with me and has apologised for the hurt he caused me originally. Things are so much better now, he is very affectionate, initiates lovemaking more often (and it is lovemaking, not just sex)and generally I really do think we are over the bump so to speak. We are slightly older than you, so I wonder if you have got stale, as we did? we had sort of forgotten to work at keeping our relationship fresh and loving, but trust me, I don't think either of us is going to let that happen again. Maybe you both need to work on showing how much you do love each other and maybe, yes, he will fall in love with you again. But you both have to want it and work at it. We sound so alike, I too had a series of miscarriages, came from a broken home. I also lack self confidence because I am very overwieght, but I am doing something about that and he still wants me even before I get to my goal. ( good job cos that is at least a year away!) I can only wish you luck and say that if you both want it, it CAN be saved.

"3 kids 5 and under running about..."

Nobody fancies sex with that going on, honestly, just read some of the "how often do you have sex?" threads on here.

I really do believe that if you give it some time you'll get that spark back. Do you respect one another, that's important I think? It sounds to me as though you do.

Grief does funny things too. A friend lost her Dad recently, shortly afterwards she left her DH saying she wanted more passion in her life.

She regrets it now.

justdidntthink. Im happy you have got through it and yes we do sound very very similar. My wieght issues are a polar opposite though, and this wont help as i really cant face food at the moment.

The main thing we need to sort out is wether he wants to try and get all those feelings back. Ive asked him and he says he doesnt know as yet as doesnt know what he wants.thats why i want to give him some breathing space. he does however agree that we have alot more to gain through trying than not.

But i am firm on this, he has to want to try. I wont make him otherwise i will never be completeley sure he really wants me. Do you understand what i mean by that.

Lest just hope he does want it as much as i do.

Cadelaide. he says he has nothing but respect for all that i do and all that im trying to do. As in making an effort with the marriage, looking after the kids, going back to college and helping out at the school.

He does a hell of alot too. He is in no means a lazy husband, does alot with the kids, sometimes i feel more than me. Hes a great dad and i feel maybe he is under pressure to keep everything right a work and everything right at home.

and now the youngest has just pooed all over the floor and its not a firm one iyswim. Yuk Yuk. Normally i would shout Dh to help me but i think ill just deal with this one

To my mind being "in love"lasts about 6 months or at most 2 years- did you know that psychologists have proved that "being in love" doesn't last? Don't take it as an insult- what your H is feeling is normal!

Is he saying he wants out of the marriage, or just that what you had changes- which is quite normal.

He's not saying he wants out of the marriage, and hes not saying he wants anything to change, he just says he doesn't know what he wants so that doesn't help me at all really.

He's mentioned pressures of work and giving me all that i deserve, but thats more emotional giving not material giving.

Sorry if I am talking out of turn - but does he have too high an expectation of love, some people tend to think the first flush of love feelings should stay for ever - they rarely do and love evolves into something else.

Perhaps this is really what is confussing him, life and love grow and change and this is his time of love changing.

I feel like giving him a good shake for you, he has this wonderful loving wife and he can't see the blardy wood for the trees.

hugs for you

No not talking out of turn at all. You have a very valid point.

One thing he did say was all we talk about are the kids. So thats one thing we can work on.

We will talk again later hopefully. Ill let you know tomorrow how we get on.

Thanks everyone for helping me through this afternoon. I dont feel as fragile as i did earlier although dont any one say anything nice or im likeley to cry xxxxxx

Rather than having a trail seperation, think about a trail doing things for yourself.

By this I mean new things e.g. college course or new hobby going out once at least a week and being with other people doing something that interests you, try for two times a week. Leaving the children with dp - do things seperatly with the dc aswell, bike rides swimming etc rather than althogether as a family.

Weekends doing sperate things then coming together and having an eve meal aropund 8.30 over a bottle of wine and a chat with kids in bed.

You may find spending less time together - makes for better quality time together when you are together.

I would also if in your shoes go for a bit of a make over. Hair nails clothes, go and see cod in style and beauty for some help. it will boost your confidence which I bet is low right now xx

It does all sound so very fixable. We all put so much effort into our pesky children and it is so easy to forget about ourselves and our relationship.

God i hope so, i really do xxx if he says he wants it to work then it will work, i just cant stand this him not knowing what he wants.

Bump

My initial thought is that long lasting relationships do go through spells of loving without being in love, you work through it and then the spark may reignite.

I can so identify with what you are going through and my heart does go out to you so lots of hugs, dh and I split last year there were issues (no one else involved) however he told me that he didn't love me, one thing I would suggest is don't get him to move out but to give him some space if that makes sense, I would suggest a book called I love you but i'm not in love with you (relate counsellor wrote it) think Andrew G Marshall and its fantastic, quite often when you've been with someone a long time you neglect each other, focus on you and your children and let him see the you again that he fell in love with.

Please don't feel like you have to point out your faults because everyone has them including him no doubt! Get yourself to relate even if its alone to start with. My dh and I almost divorced (infact I had signed the papers) now we are working things through so don't give up hope. Does sound like a mid life crisis if you don't mind me saying so tho. I hope things improve for you

My heart aches every time I read a thread like this and there are so many on here and so many of us going through or have been through some extremely tough time, I love the solidarity between us women tho

How about tryng to view it as one of the "downs" in the "ups and downs" people always talk about with regard to marriage. The good news is that he does love you. That could surely see you both through this patch, if you're both committed to the idea of marriage "til death do us part." Give him some space (but not too much), and keep the lines of communication open.... but how about each of you taking a bit of time out in turn? NOT by one of you moving out (bad idea, I think) but days/evenings out separately? It might help you each gain a lttle perspective.
By the way, I might be dense, but I've never really understood what people mean by love/in love. I've heard it on TV/films hundreds of times, but what does it actually mean? I think it's become a bit of a cliche really.

Hes putting kids to bed now so we will be alone together soon. I want to talk but im dreading it to iyswim.

He want to get a chinese like we always do on a Sat.I desperatley want to reach out to him but am scared of the rejection.
Have you any advice on what i should or shouldnt say?

Forgot to say we fly out on Holiday next Sun. I plan to be as happy and carefree as poss as this really could be the make or break i suppose. I think he may be worrying about the work he needs to do before we go and wether he will have everything done in time so that wont help how he feels.

Well we had an early night. he was cuddling me and saying sorry for all the hurt hes caused. he fell asleep but i couldnt and spent the night torturing myself looking at photos
then at 3.30 i checked his phone and BOMBSHELL
a text from his work colleuge saying 'love you x)
my world fell apart for the second time, i woke him and he said its not what i think,nothings happened but yes he does have strong feelings for her but they both know nothing can ever happen
so at 4.40 this morning i was wandering aimlessley round the woods as had to get away and i phoned her.
The thing is she was nice and i understand why this has happened. They have grown close at work and me kicking and screaming is not going to change anything.
Ive just got in and hes been worried sick, ive told him ive talked to her and he has to decide what and who he wants. So hes gone for a drive to clear his head. i said he could go to her if thats what he wanted but he doesnt even know where she lives.

I feel strangley calm. Nothing can hurt me anymore, ive been destroyed emotionally

Try to be calm- you haven't been destroyed. This is not nice, but it is possible to get your H back- not that he's gone anywhere yet.
This sounds like a flirtation. From what you said yesterday, it sounds as if your marriage has gone stale- very common- and he is flirting- but it may well be totally harmless.

You need to go for counselling as a couple. Phone relate tomorrow and book yourselves in. if he won't go, go by yourself.

You need to be calm and strong. he won't throw away a marriage and kids so easily- believe me.

Don't become a victim- stand up for yourself.

Don't think of this as the end of your marriage, but as the start of putting it right.

Be strong.

just an extra- don't go phoning or visiting this woman- she is not worth that much attention-she isn't that important and you will just cheapen yourself and look desperate. She is a SYMPTOM of what is not working in your marriage. Don't make her into something she isn't. Forget her and work on your husband's feelings.

he obviously hasn't been honest with you and please don't think that you're the one that has to do all of the work to save your marriage. you've been up to your neck with the three under five and he's been feeling a bit ignored? oh poor dh.

you have my sympathy - this (more or less) happened to me. he left us for her, even though i did the 'what do you want?' chat, he eventually chose her/freedom over us/commitment. (then he left her, but thats a nother story) please don't think it's all your fault or you're being dull and talking about the kids all the time. give yourself a shake, start thinking about what you want, rather than what he wants and what will be best for you and the children instead of indulging your dh. all this 'they both know nothing can happen' is just a way of making you feel somehow grateful that he hasn't slept with her.

I'm really !!

pixiep says some good stuff, and persephone's right too, it's not your fault.

I'm so sorry to hear about the text. At least I knew there were no skeletons in my husbands closet when we had out problem. It's one thing to work closely with someone, but quite another for them to send that kind of text message. The fact that he didn't even have the sense to delete it suggests that either: it really doesn't mean anything and is just a flirtation,( but not harmless, no flirtation between a married person and a.n. other can be truly harmless) or that he actually wanted you to find it to make it easier for him to do whatever he decides to do. After all, how much easier is it for him to blame it all on you being 'suspicious' and driving him away, rather than accepting that his actions in beginning a relationship with someone else whilst you are slogging your guts out to look after the children, are despicable in the extreme! Only you will know what is the most likely scenario with your husband. I just get so mad when I read about this kind of situation wher the men manage to suck out all the self confidence from their wives/partners and then make them feel guilty because the husband turns out to be a complete ar*e!
Be strong, whatever he says when he gets home from the drive. If he says he wants to put things right between you, make sure that he doesn't get to dictate all the terms so to speak!

morning mrsmaddyd.

God what a night you have had. I agree with persephonesnape, that its not you who has to do all the work here.

I nkow that you must want to be able to portray yourself as perfect etc, but its not totally what this is about.

I am sorry. When my dh left, others said months later that perhaps he had had a flirtation that brought everything to a head. I still don't know. Yet it is very hard to understand.

hope you are ok.

mrsmaddyd -you poor thing.

Reading the earlier posts made me realise that though I love my DH, I am not IN love with him. He's done so many awful things recently that if I was in a posititon I could leave i would.

I think yours is so much worse, esp if he has told you how he feels, prmises he's with you, then you find someone else is involved. I wouldn't contact her again. It doesn't make it any easier. You have done the right thing, asking him to make up his mind. All your talking will hopefully have made him realise the difference between long term love, and lust for someone else.

When you start, in your head thinking about the whole |"inlove/ loving" someone, it is posible to over think it, and talk yourself into a situation. The more you think you are not in love, the more desparate it gets, and then you think you want to feel that feeling again. I'm nottrying to justify what he has done/ said to this other woman - but a casual flirtation can get exagerated (by him, not you, I hope you understand).

the reality should be that he will realise that this is nothign more than a flirtation that has got out of hand, and that he belongs with you.

"Both know nothing can happen" is just a way of saying that nothing has happened so far. It means it's on their mind.

Personally, when men start talking about space etc, it nearly always means another woman.

I'm really sorry it has happened but at least it means you don't have to blame yourself. He's messing around and that's what you and he need to deal with.

oh sweetheart
an emotional affair is just as hurtful....maybe more than a sexual one as there are deep feelings involved.
whatever the outcome you need to start thinking about what you want now....it is not all about him.

Just read your message about the "other woman". I'm so sorry.
Do you still wqnt to fight for him? Does he deserve it? Will you trust him again? Do you still love him as much now that you know the truth?
My mum told me last year that my dad had an affair when I was about 10 years old. They are still together after 40 years of marriage. They really love each other but I think sometimes a marriage with kids eats away at bond that you originally create between one another and thats when people can stray. I'm not trying to defend what your DH has done, but all I know is that my mum forgave him and he can be a bloody difficult bastard at times. The woman DH's involved with may well be nice but you must detatch yourself from her. She is his problem - you just need to work out what you want now. Don't try and reason why he strayed - that will only make you question yourself.
x

I was in your shoes a few weeks ago. Was told exactly the same thing, literally verbatim the way you have described it.
But for us, this was after 2 years of trying to put his affair behaind us. And I thought we were doing well. Wrong.
DH left to get some space, which has now progressed into official separation. And <sarcasm alert> oddly enough he's being going out with a friend from work - for company you understand.
And I believe not a single word of it.
Anyway - I'm not sure I can add to what you have already been told, and I hope things go differently for you.
I would say that one mistake we made was thinking we could manage without counselling the first time around. Part of your problem is that your DH is comparing the first flush of infatuation/lust with what you have developed over years. And it is a kind of fantasy land, an escapism for him. I think that in order to fully get away from that he needs to talk to other people about it, to make it part of reality. I'm afraid that you probably aren't being told the whole truth about this woman, and if that comes out he'll tell you it's because he cares about you and was trying to save you from hurt. But really he's trying to cover his arse.

For me, I can now acknowledge that I would not risk going through this again with my DH, even if he were to change his mind. I know I have done my best to preserve our marriage for our DC's sake over the last 2 years, but it seems I was the only one doing so. So while I am hurting, and I do love him despite everything, I know that this is best for me in the long run.

So if your DH decides he wants to work with you to fix what he has broken, make sure he talks to someone, and that you realise that it is up to him put in the hard graft. Paying lip service to the 'of course I want to make things work' approach is not enough, and long term will not work.

Pay more attention to what he does now, rather than what he says.

I'm trying very hard here to come from a balanced perspective, but given my own situation I'm not sure how successful I have been. But I have had an amazing amount of support here on MN, please make use of it too.

Still no news on what he wants. Ive cried on and off all day. I get waves off pain and just break down. He keeps holding me and apologising.
Im trying to put on a brave face, but its hard.He talks about future stuff as in our building plans, the garden, kids so thats positive i suppose. I realy dont think he wants to go but i cant compete with the feelings for this girl as they are new to him and so intense. We will see

just to say i am thinking of youx

Hey, Relate, relate , relate.... and just think lots of people have snippets of what you're DH is going through but it leads to nothing and is forgotten. Chances are most people never know, relationship lulls and gets better again.
The fact that he wants to be with you is enormous, perhaps this could be a wake up call to stop coasting (if you do) and for both of you to really appreciate what you've got.
Finally I think you're DH needs to egt a new job, seeing the 'threat' everyday will not make it easy for either of you.
Take care.

Got to get him to stay with me first. He is being really loveley and loving today, not sexually but caring.
I have a two week holiday to make my6 husband fall in love with me again as i know that when we return it will be time when he either stays or gos.
Any tips gatefully accepted.

I love him so much but i am preparing myself for the worst.

If he does stay then yes relate definatley, he will have to leave work and we will have to move as some of house bought from money lent to us via work.

If he leaves he will loose us, the house and his job. Im not saying that nastily, its just a fact. The boss ( a huge family value man)of the company will not stand for this kind of thing especially when they have looked after us both and treated us like family for the past 10 years.

Thank you all so much for your support xxx

My advice would be to give him LESS attention and then you might have a better chance of getting what you want. You can't MAKE him fall in love with you again- he either will, or he won't.

I know this is REALLY hard for you, but try to have some pride, don't crawl- get mad if anything! He is more likely to want to be with you if you have a "take me or leave me"attitude, rather than being all needy. If you put him under pressure, he might just run.

I think you both should go to Relate whether he stays or not- and with 3 kids you should have counselling first for their sakes if nothing else, before you call it a day. he should be able to see that. The marriage is in trouble- you both need help.

Good luck.

Good News. He wants to try and make it work. Ive suggested counselling and he said he will consider it. Hes not really up for it as has done alot of physcology in his life, but he said he will def consider it. Either way i will go as have my own issues to sort out.
Feel such relief especially with the holiday coming up. Thanks for your last pixiepip and there is no way i will crawling to him and turning into somthing im not but i will make more of an effort to keep our lines of comunication open.

I asked him if anything made him come to his decision and he said he has to give his family a try as too much to loose if we dont

i also asked him about the work friend

Your gonna shout at me for this but i havnt asked him to stop seeing her becuase that would only cause resentment. He is her manager and she is a mangaer too so i know they have to work closely together, but he has told me that its just a really good friendly relationship. He has been getting praise, laughter, encouragemnt from this woman which he hasnt been getting at home. So im sorry mn ladies but i do understand why hes been so messed up.

I dont know why im so understanding all of a sudden as im a very reactive person but theese two days have been absolute hell, emotions have been released that i didnt know i had and me and Dh have talked like we have never talked before.

So please wish me the best as i couldnt have got through this without your support. xxx

Agree with Pixiepip.

Do not over do it on holiday - the more you try the more likely he is to retreat and back off.

whoops cross posted, glad things are on the up.

Please don't let him wriggle out of counselling- knowing stuff about psychology is NO excuse! if that were true, no counsellors would need counselling themselves, or have less than perfect relationships. It's a man thing- he is frightened of talking!

You are being so understanding because the outcome is not as awful as you at first feared it might be. I don't mean to bring you down, but I think it's possibly a relief-type of reaction. The worst didn't happen, let's move on, type of thing.

But it will need confronting at some time, so don't be surprised if you start to be 'not understanding' all of a sudden.

I am so glad for you that the crisis is over for the moment though, and I really hope you can work it out together.

Agree with Pixiepip. Even counsellors have counselling, and most psychologists have psychotherapy as a matter of course, so your hubby shouldn't dismiss the idea. He cannot view the marriage objectively, which is what a counsellor will do. It's important your marriage gets the very best kind of care and attention, I really hope he will consider it for all your sakes.

Agree with all above. Make sure you don't put too much pressure on yourself when on holiday though. I've had some of the worst arguments with DH when on our hols..
Up to you about the woman at work. But tread carefully - she knows you exist and that you have kids and could have taken a step back. Its good to recognise that we all have faults and if you actuallt think he's been feeling a bit rejected at home (such a man thing) then that can be resolved easily. I'm not sure after the "love you" text that they re just friends but it seems like DH is keen to keep his lovely wife. So good luck. Remember - mumsnet's always here! It helped me time and time again. xx

mrsmaddyd, my heart goes out to you, how old are your Dc's?

Morning all. Still didnt sleep well but we held onto each other all night. My hear still fels broken and im still very fragile. I know he sent her a text last night as found another setting on his phone that logs it but i dont know what the text said.

We will get through this and i will push the counslling thing, but after the hol.

Brightonirl, thankyou for your thoughts. Me and Dh have never argued really, i just quietley sulk then get over it. I think communication has been a big issue with us

As for the girl, i will handle that as and when i need to

sophiesmiles 1 have one girl 20, 1 girl 5, 1 boy 4 and 1 boy 21 months

Sending you an Ozzie hug. I really think he's got to be compltely honest with you about the texting. That is the worrying thing. I've just remembered, some dear friends of ours had exactly the same situation. He felt isolated and in need of a bit of passion and fell for a girl at work. She (friend) devoted every waking minute to DC's. It was all very childish and the feelings he had for girl weren't real. We sat them down together and told them to be honest infront of us, which I know prob wasn't the right thing to do but we hated seeing them so upset. They patched things up (eventually), and with now do lots together with and without the kids. I've even noticed a sparkle in both of their eyes again which suggests the passions back too! So don't lose hope. It could well be a mid life crises too. It seems to happen to so many people.
Most of all have bloody argument if its needed, I swear that its all part of communication in a marriage. Blimey, I could never quietly sulk!!

Dear mrsM, I've just read your post and am sorry to hear what you're going through.

I'm not going to add more to the very good and sound advice you've already received but wanted to point out a book to you which might ake an interesting and helpful read for both you and your dh.

I'm wishing you the strength to pull through this period.

www.amazon.com/Love-You-but-Not-Relationship/dp/0757305482

Oh MrsM. 6 years ago I was where you are now, and all the stuff you have posted rings so true.

According to my H I was too busy <<gasp>> working and looking after our children to pay him attention, he loved me but wasn't 'in love'...and funnily enough a woman that he worked with was providing him that support - from what I could see by sending him texts saying 'suck on my tits'! Obviously he said that was going to end the affair, but as weeks went on it was obvious that he hadn't. He thought that if he kept me sweet and was all lovey dovey for a while then he could pick things up with OW at a later date.

Eventually I woke up and smelled the coffee. I ended things with him, and only took him back when he had found a new job and was willing to enter into a new relationship with me on my terms. Yes, there probably were issues in our relationship pre-affair, but dealing with such issues by lying to your wife and pulling the 'my wife doesn't understand me' trick on work colleagues is just WRONG!

I hope you work things out, but please do not do all the running. He sounds like a smooth operator in my opinion and he's really messed with your head.

I had a chat with him last night and let him know how mad i was that i thought id been paranoid and was going mental for the past few months when rumours at work at been flying about. He said he knew nothing of them at the time and i believed him

I told him there can be no lies as he lied to me about the rumours, he lied to me on Saturday when i asked if anyone else. He said he lied as didnt want to hurt me, which i replied that i was already hurting and he could see that and he could have fixed that.I told him i wont be taken for an idiot. I was firm and got my point across.
Weve agreed that any niggles or worries have to be discussed immediatley and not left to fester as this isnt going to be easy for me especially as he still will be working very closeley with her.
I then asked him if he had seen or texted her yesterday. He said he hadnt seen her but he had text her to see if she was ok and she hadnt yet replied.
We then had a hug and moved on.

We are communicating really well but its still like walking on eggshells and im atuned to everything thats said and done between us. I actually had butterflies in my stomach when i heard his key in the door. Im yet to feel if we are on the right track but i guess it will take time. I slept a solid four hours so feel a bit less tired but im just so close to tears all the time still.

I dont know if i will ever trust him again but thats up to him to earn the trust back. Im not doing all the work.

Alexa and tlv is that book for me to read or only beneficial if we both read it?

you're right, ' he has to want to try' but don't put obstacles in the way by asking him is he sure he wants to try etc, give him time without monitoring his feelings, that will give you both space, sometimes not talking for a bit is as good as talking.

Were not so much talkng about whats happened more talking to each other about everyday things like work etc. Just re opening those communication lines and taking an interest in each other and basically just getting along. Ive been letting him know what im doing in the day where as before he wouldnt be intersted and im getting texts back for him not declaring love or anything but they are caring and he uses my pet name which means alot to me.

Im off to bed for the afternoon as i had a mini break down in HSBC today. I explained to a friend earlier that i feel like a piece of glass that could just shatter any moment.

I went to waterstones and bought the book too Anything that helps!!!!

Just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you - there is just so much of this about at the moment - it is at Hs work and it has brought a lot of it flooding back to me.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

Could I just point out that the reason he distanced himself from you emotionally and sexually is because he has transferred those feelings to this other woman

I think he needs to realise this

that the reason he has been unhappy with his relationship with you is because he hasn't been in it properly!

He has been comparing a real life relationship with all its baggage with this fantasy

I am very sorry you are going through this xx

Being in a relationship with someone doesn't stop the "crushes" that both parties can have on another person - after all they're just an extension of relatively normal fantasies that many people have.

But acting on a crush rather than just sitting it out and enjoying them is rather foolish.

Hopefully now you're back communicating the crush will fade away leaving a slight sense of embarrassment on his part!

Good luck and hope you can get things back on track.

hi mrsmaddy, i'm know what you mean about walking on eggshells as sometimes i feel myself doing it (tho god knows why!) the book is really beneficial for both I would say, you read it and you think wow that could be us, good that you are communicating well though, sometimes I feel like i'm holding back which is bad and only feel like i can say what i really feel in the counselling sessions but maybe it will get easier with time

gagarin thankyou for your message. Youve hit the nail on the head. It is a crush and along with crushes come powerfull feelings.

Cd you are exactly right too, but i do have to take some of the blame. Ive realised the past two days with all this extra communicating we are doing over trivial things that we have hardly been communicating at all, when really its the little things in your life that can make all the difference iyswim. Ive enjoyed it too, i can feel its breaking down barriers that ive had with him and i know he has built barriers too as he told me. ive been un intentionally pushing him away and putting the kids first thinking he can cope. But as ive been told men are basically children too and this is so true.

tlv i will read the book first and hopefully if i think it will help then dh wil read it too. Its hardly a beach read though is it Nearly picked up a chick lit read for the hol called the other womans husband but then thought its a bit close to home at the moment

MrsMaddyd, you have been 'building barriers' because you have been looking after his children. He has been building barriers by dallying with another woman to the point where they are talking about love.

I know your head is messed up at the moment, but please remember that the trying has to come from both directions. Also, and I know many might disagree with me, have you done any fact finding, verified exactly what's been going on etc... while it's great that you want to work things out you've got to protect yourself.

As for him texting her to see how she is, I bloody hope he's been texting you to see how you are.

obi thanks for your concern. i have done fact finding, i have not sat back and just believed what comes out of his mouth. As i told him i wont be taken for a fool and yes he has been texting me as i put previously and using my pet name which makes me smile.

Glad to hear it MrsM!! Just make sure you look after yourself ok?

MrsM, I'm really glad you fell positive. Make sure you are getting what you want, you have the power here as you did not betray him and so communication to 'her' via text or otherwise is not acceptable. I know that when we think everything is going to slip away we feel that we should be accepting but this only goes so far. Keep your dignity as if this falls apart you will need a little of it. If I'm being a little harsh anyone who has been through this don't hesitate to say.
Take Care
PPxxx

PS Call counselling asap as the waiting list is sometimes very long, if when you get an appointment you're not ready then defer. And don't let your dh wriggle out on his knowledge of psychology as that should only encourage him to go.

TLv and Alexa. That book is amazing. It could have been written for us.
I would definatley recomend it to anyone who feels the spark has gone out of thier relationship.
Things are going really well and im feeling better about the future. Honestly girls if you were a fly on the wall you would know what i mean. Im really seeing in myself that i have been neglecting him (that doesnt mean im taking the blame) but i am accepting some of the responsibility.

One thing though, i still have the inability to sleep at night. Have only managed a few hours each night since the weekend. Im exhausted when i climb into bed but the sleep wont come. Dh and i were chatting at 2 this morning something we havent done for years.