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Can't believe it. Opened the post this morning to find wedding invite number 3 for this summer. Yet again 'UNFORTUNATELY NO CHILDREN ALLOWED!' stipulated.
That now means that for three weekends in may and June we will have to choose between the wedding of 3 close family / friends or finding a babysitter for 12 hours at a time!All weddings are over 150 miles away.
Is this the current vogue to have adult only weddings? Personally find that some weddings without kids can be stuffy and v formal. Much prefer old fashioned celebratory sort! Any one else finding this? What are you doing?
Don't go! I would be deeply insulted to be invited to a family/friends wedding and to have my kids excluded. Shows a deep lack of understanding of the meaning of family IMO
We have been invited to DH's cousins wedding, with no kids. I find it strange as all of his family are going and there are loads of kids within the family - none of whom will be there. We are extremely lucky that my sister is available to look after our 2 otherwise we would not be going. I can understand it from the point of view of bride and groom - it is their day after all, just wish that the WHOLE family could enjoy it IYKWIM
You have to respect their wishes and decide whether or not to go. They cannot moan if you can't go because you'd rather spend time with your kids. Don't feel guilty if you decide not to go.
i hate child free weddings. plus i think they are hypocritical.
weddings are anciently tied up with fertility-and if it's a church wedding there is even a bit in the service about procreating and marriage being a means to have children in a solid union. to then exclude children is wrong i think.
i also hate all the 'oh it's their day' stuff. i'm sorry it's not. a wedding is all about two families coming together-when you get married, you don't just join wth your partner, you join with their whole family.
I hate going to weddings and look for any excuse to get out of them, so a child-free wedding would be like a get out of jail free card for me. Unfortunately all the invites I've had have been kids-included ones.
If I were you I would pick one wedding that you think will be the most fun and go to that, and send your excuses to the other two.
I have said no to one, but the other 2 - one was my bridesmaid and one my DP groomsman. Right royal pain in the ass, would love to see it but soooo difficult practically and find it very different to my views of wedding and families coming together. I guess both of the couples have no kids, career minded and just don't value same sorts of things!
I think the adult only weddings are so formal and boring. But then I think most weddings are now way over the top, and overplanned that they have become a staged day/night out. Can't think of a less exciting way of spending a day.
Agree with PF. We had a wedding invite where children are invited but are not allowed to be seated during the meal. They are being offered an alternative of a kids meal in another room.Given my DCs are only 2 yrs and the other is 2 months I dont think this would work so have said we can't go. If the DCs were older it would ahve been fine. We had another wedding where no kids were invited and we didnt go as the cost of just neing a guest plus the hassle of findig someone to look after the kids wasn't viable for us.
i like a nice peter kayesque wedding myself-with a buffet at night, and the kids dancing and skidding on their kneews, and someones dad singing danny boy at the end...
micegg - "We had a wedding invite where children are invited but are not allowed to be seated during the meal. They are being offered an alternative of a kids meal in another room." I am completely taken aback by that. How horrible. "OK darhling, we'll allow children but I don't want the little buggers making a mess during dinner, they must be isolated from the main diners."
micegg a kids meal in another room? Where do people get these ideas? I might suddenly take against old people and at our next christening make them sit in the toilets in case one of their hearing aids whistles.
I don't like it either. But I can see that it might be a cost thing. You have 100 friends and family to invite - half of them have more than one DC, makes it a lot more expensive. But the only real excuse I can think of.
LOL at seperate dining room for a 2month old! Do they get a wine list?!
Just phoned one of the brides to apologise for not being able to make it - now DS IS invited after she asked why we couldn't attend. Now feel really guilty about whole thing!
One wedding excused One wedding now have to go to with v.large gift One to go.
I actually like the idea of a separate room for the children. My friend did this last year and employed somebody to look after them during the meal. Meant that kids didn't get bored, parents got some peace to enjoy a lovely meal and friend had more space to invite extra adults. My dd wandered backwards and forwards and it wasn't an issue. We were invited to a wedding recently when ds was 4 weeks old and I had to leave afterbthe ceremony because he wasn't allowed to come and I was breastfeeding- venue was 1 hour from home. That was fun
i just would'nt go! dhs bestman and his dw always treated our dd like an extention of their family, we now treat their lo in the same way, i'm with mmj - i always thought that marriage was celebrating the coming together of 2 families and also friends, i think it most odd when children are excluded.
I was stunned when we were invited to our best friend's wedding and they said 'no kids' Our dd is their god-daughter and she adores them. She is very bemused why she can't go. I said it was for grown ups only, and she said 'but I went to Sally's wedding' and I didn't really have a good reason why for her
i don't mind child free weddings- went to a fab one in October, the girls would have been bored through alot of it and dh and I would have been stressed and probably not got a chance to chat to anyone at all. At our wedding we had loads of children and it wasfun but it also meant an awful lot of people missed the meal and speeches as they were in and out with bored children, we did provide activities at the tables but they didn't hold attention for too long. Evening part was fab though, children loved the dancing. I always think of it like this- It is an invitation and not a summons. I wouldn't think twice about turning down an invitation if I objected to the conditions tbh.
I said no children for the evening part of our wedding, but only because the evening entertainment was not child friendly and the only kids who we knew at the time were my cousins, and total PITA And I knew that my aunt would enjoy the evening out by herself.
I don't like going to weddings either so if anyone wants to bar my DS that is fine. £100 saved on outfit, £50 on present, £200 on hotel and travel.
We'd have potentially had 71 extra guests if we'd invited children. We had nieces, nephews and godchildren and that came to 14 as it was. And my godchildren's parents said to me afterwards "I wish you hadn't invited our kids, we had to leave just as it was getting good"
I couldn't give a toss if DS doesn't get invited to a wedding, he's my son not my arm, we are capable of doing things separately. Do you get pissed off if you get invited to a dinner party and your children aren't invited? Plus it would be DS's idea of hell.
DH, DD1 (aged 2) and I were invited to a wedding in November. Unfortunately DD2 (8 weeks at time) was not allowed to come "because if she was invited there would be too many children at the wedding" My cousin was happy to invite our noisy toddler but not a young baby who would have slept to his wedding. Just wonder if they'll change their opinion now they've just had their 1st? Needless to say we didn't go or buy a pressie either
I would hate to take my kids to a wedding, i never have, even if theyve been invited. There is no way they would sit through a 4 course meal and the bloody speeches without spilling something / crying / fighting. By the time the disco started they would be knackered and we'd have to leave early.
No, they would get on my nerves, much better without them imo.
Most of my friends have had child free weddings, and rather than being stuffy and formal I found the adults to be having a whale of a time without their kids!
Oh, just don't go. It's such a hassle to organise all day childcare, lose a weekend with the kids and spend half the time ringing to check they are okay. We once had to fly somewhere for a wedding, pay for a relative to fly to us to babysit (no local family)for the weekend, and were told how nice it must be to be childfree. Not for 48 hours it wasn't and not at an additional £200.
Haylstones - I'm going to a child free wedding in october but as I'm a bridesmaid and due to give birth in september they have obviously made an exception for me! Sending you home cos you can't bring your breastfeeding baby in!!! Horrible.
But it depends on the type of wedding doesn't it? if you're going for the full on hour in the church followed by 3 hour of photos by which time everyone is gnawing of their own arm in starvation and then you still have to sit through dull speeches then heh I agree, what sane children would want to be there. But if it's a more light hearted affair than children can love going. agree that sometimes it's great to go to a wedding without the kids, I think what upsets people is when NO KIDS is put forward to vehemently, and with it the suggestion that they'll spoil the 'perfect' day.
My DH's nephew got married recently and the brides family stipulated no kids under the age of 10. This pissed off my SIL's family immensly and half of them didn't turn up. My DD is 12 so attended but if she was under 10 and not allowed I don't think I could have gone.
I agree with Katierocket. I don't mind when my DSs are not invited to a wedding - if the invite just says "Tommy and DH", then I assume they're not invited and that's fine. I don't get invited to their friends' parties so I shouldn't assume they are always invited to my friends' parties but I find the peculiar custom of putting "NO CHILDREN" on an invitation particularly rude and unnecessary and, thank god, I have never received one or I'm not sure how I would react.
We put "no children" (not quite that bluntly ) but it didn't stop about 20 people ringing up to check. Imagine if we hadn't put it! Just because a child isn't named on an invitation doesn't stop people thinking they are invited IME.
It's all a bit Chittychittybangbang-ish though isn't it?
We had a lovely BBQ garden party with extended family and kids and a separate kid free day for our vows with late night meal for a few close adults - we invited everybody to both, and outlined what was involved in both days. Babies were allowed on both days!!
Lots of people said it was the most enjoyable wedding as we seemed to have a ball both days.
We would prefer not to take our kids to a wedding they are to young We would end up taking it in turns outside watching them playing than at the actual wedding Nor would i be offended if the kids were`nt invited .If we could get a babysitter then we go and if we can`t we don`t.
If my kids were going (2 and 5) I would be constantly worrying about whether they would sit still in church (would they heck) entertaining them during that boring bit between the ceremony and the dinner (which they would be unlikely to eat) and having to miss the speaches as they would be bored stiff by then and need to run off some energy. And yes just as the disco hots up it's time for bed as they will still get up at 06.00 more grouchy after a late night. And as a lot of couples get married later now the majority of friends are bound to have kids of varying ages. As other people have said not only expensive but multiply the noise of my two by a few...
Now that I think about it a bit more, I think it is tough for people who marry late-ish. When I got married (a long time ago) there were no children at the wedding because I didn't know anyone who had young children. If I were to get married now and have the same people for the reception there would be 50% more guests because of children and we wouldn't fit into the venue.
I had the wedding that I wanted, late on a winter's afternoon followed by a meal in a cosy venue with fewer than 100 guests. If all my friends had kids I would have had to go down a completely different route and had a totally different wedding.
Yep we've just had an invite like this too-i felt really angry (esp as the couple have lo who'll be going and is only 3months older than our ds!) I'll still be bfing too but luckily venue only half hour away so going to get mil to sit then leave before night do starts...
It just gets my goat,badly, and it reeks of bridezillas with their 'wedding organiser files' with swatches of the dress material pinned in so they can pick the right shade of sugared almond to match it.... Urgh, i feel ill at the very thought but each to their own
Went to a child-free wedding at the week-end, and had a really relaxing day. The DC had a lovely time at home being looked after by my cousins. It would have been really stressful if they'd been there. They would have hated having to be quiet and contained in small spaces.
It would have been a pain if it hadn't been so local though, as we would have had trouble getting someone to look after the DC overnight.
It would have cost the bride and groom a fortune if everyone brought their DC. Money better spent on their honeymoon.
If they've put no kids, and it means people with no kids won't go - no offence but it probably means they don't give a shit if you turn up or not. You were probably only invited out of politeness.
I also love weddings without or with few children, so much more relaxing, and you don't feel you have to be setting a good example. If you live some difference from the couple, then i assume they don't know your kids that well? I found it really annoying having to invite partners who i didn't know, let alone their children, cos they took places of other poeple who i may have invited had i got the space. It also depends on couples parents - by the time my parents and my PILs guests list were in, I had even more restrictions!
why do so many people spend so much time determined to be offended or affronted. If it is a child free wedding then you are perfectly free to decline if that bothers you or causes you logistical problems.Its just a wedding. We seem to have the opposite problem with very sweet people finding it diffivult to understand why we will not put our son with ASD through the torture ( for him) of a wedding. Seriously. Life is too short. Get over it.
went to a wedding that when the speeches came the 5year old who was the only kid there went upto the main table and started shouting to whoever was doing the speech. His parents thought it was cute ,
Well is was`nt
We had no kids at our wedding and my cousin who had 4 kids at the time did`nt come in the day There were to many kids (25)when we counted them all up that we would have to invite and pay for.
I agree with you. The chance for a day out without the dcs GReat!! Seriously they are bored stiff at anythig formal, start messing around I get stressed,.... no fun at all
I'm off to a wedding next weekend without dd and can't wait - she's 2 and the prospect of a late ceremony followed by photos and then finally eating way into the evening when she'll be bored, tired and hungry would be enought to put me off taking her anyway! It will be a rare treat for me and dh to have some time together with our friends and relax!
Not to mention of course, it's my friends day, so if she says no children, then that's her choice.
i'm off to a child-free wedding tomorrow and can't wait! my kids will be spoiled rotten at their grandparents', i can have conversations with my friends lasting more than 30 seconds at a time, get drunk, stay up late and have a lovely lie-in in the hotel room before sauntering back to my parents' at some point on sunday...
I can't see much difference between "weddings should be family affairs and that must include children" and "I want a wedding with no children" in terms of imposing your view on others.
Really, I see as much evidence of guestzillas on these threads as I do of bridezillas.
TheFallenMadonna, that is the nail on the head, very well articulated - can you make sure you copy and post it on to every one of these threads please?
in my upcoming wedding I have actually been asked by a friend if it was okay to bring their 4 mths old baby daughter.
Since when has it become acceptable to exclude children (the very reason to get married for IMO) from the nuptials?
Also, I am 5 months pregnant and laughed it off saying of 'course not and I'll personally make sure my bump stays at home, too'. We giggled and that was it.
Having said that I think if a child starts to throw a tantrum or cries or is whiny because of exhaustion and hunger, then you should have the good manners to leave the church or ceremony and return once your babe has calmed down a bit. Surely, everyone gets that bit and I think it's important to make a point of bringing kids to a wedding. After all, they are the next genneration, they will carry on family traditions, they are lovely and funny and can lighten up the stuffiest atmosphere.
People that ban kid are controlfreaks who want to 'airbrush' their wedding day to tabloid glam...but life isn't like this. How boring would it be??
Alexa, that last statement you made was ridiculous. No different from saying "all kids are screaming brats who can't behave at weddings" Of course they're not, just as all people who have child-free weddings aren't control freaks.
LL and a few of that camp have a point. It might be boring for kids but IMO the invites should be extended to the whole family so it's up to the parents to decide what they want to do. If they'd rather leave their kids at home or in a htel with a nanny then what's stopping them??
It's not like the invite is a MUST and you'll have to drag your kid to it...
But children aren't "the very reason to get married" for lots of people. And there are a lot of people who don't take their little darlings out when they start playing up.
Alexa, there can be multiple reasons, and money certainly comes into it for many.
But, it's not really any of your business to be honest, just because you have a set idea of what a weddding "should" be doesn't mean the rest of the world has to agree with you.
Alexa - I can give you a reason. Not all weddings are completely happy, joyous occasions. Ours was very emotional, as we had lost some very close family not long before we got engaged. It was a lovely wedding, but there were a lot of tears and I was worried about whether I would cope as it was (DH is a bit more stiff upper lip!).
I had to have a small wedding, and I just couldn't have coped with small children running around. We purposely kept the ceremony very short as it was.
And sadly, one of the families that we would have invited was of the "isn't it cute when they run around shouting in church and knocking over the flowers" kind. Do we not invite them, and just invite the "well-behaved" families???
I never said that but I might be enlighted as to why you wouldn't want them around. I'm certainly not the type to impose my ideas on anyone but I can voice my opinion just as you do. End of.
I love the idea that people over see their children at weddings. my sister is a registrar and the stories she can tell would make your pee go green. My fav remains the woman that changed her babies nappy during the ceremony.
I wasn't saying that your opinion is wrong. I'm happy for you to have as many children as you want to your wedding.
But you asked why someone wouldn't want children at their wedding, so I told you why we didn't have them at ours. I think that children are very distracting, which can be great at certain times (I think that it is lovely to have children at a wake, for example, once the funeral ceremony is over, as they are a wonderful distraction and a postive sign of life going on), but I couldn't have coped with being distracted at my wedding ceremony.
'My fav remains the woman that changed her babies nappy during the ceremony'
and
'went to a wedding that when the speeches came the 5year old who was the only kid there went up to the main table and started shouting to whoever was doing the speech. His parents thought it was cute'
I'm beginning to see way people don't want children at their wedding!
MM: I didn't say I wasn't personally addressing you. I said you shouldn't take it personal as in: it's not a character assassination attempt. We just don't agree on this topic. That doesn't mean I don't value your opinion, it's just that mine is different.
I have to add though: after reading some kids behaviour on this thread I can understand why some people would rather not take the risk of having their vows spoiled.
I can't understand how people could be so insensitive to the couple's feelings.
FWIW, my objection isn't to people feeling hurt that their DC aren't invited, it's the slapping on of labels like "control freak" and "bridezilla" that I think is unfair.
I'm a control freak to a certain extent. 80% or so, I feel most comfy knowing what the score is and such.
There's nothing wrong with matching dress colours to sugared almonds either.
I think when I made my statement I was rather naively believing that guests were well-mannered and considerate enough to teach their children how to behave on such occasions but I guess now I'm overwhelmed by feeling it's like letting a gang of paint ballers go nuts in a bridal shop...
I mean: how on earth can you think it's okay to change a nappy during a ceremony????
It is up to the bride and groom and it IS their day. If they stipulate no children, or limit the children to very close family etc then they cannot be surprised if they get a few declined invitations from those who can't make it. That's the risk you take. I;ve been to too many weddings in where the vows were drowned out by screeching toddlers running wild. Not my choice but if that is what the bride and groom wanted due to wanting a family occasion then that's their perogative. So we invited specific children only (2 nephews, 2 well-behaved teenagers who were family friends and a couple of babes-in-arms based on the fact that their parents could not be expected to come without their very very young children). As it was, several friends who had "babes-in-arms" chose to leave them with baby-sitters anyway, and a couple who had a toddler managed to come for the ceremony but not the reception due to their baby sitting issues and there are no hard feelings. If the invite doesn't suit then decline graciously you can always still give a present and see your friends to congratulate them another day. I wanted my wedding to be a combination of serious moving ceremony followed by a raucous adult night. That's what I got and if that makes me a bridezilla then so be it - I'm never getting married again.
I have two boys and when my sister in law got married I had a frank discussion with her regarding the younger one (age 4.). If she was planning to have a child free wedding - absolutely fine with me but she insisted. I said that we would sit at the back as I didnt think he would sit still for long but she wanted us to sit in the front row, she adores my son and didnt want him to miss anything.
I did warn her.....
He managed to escape from my MIL's lap, walk up onto the alter and started blessing himself with holy water. The vicar completely ignored him as this was the time of vows, everyone was laughing including my SIL thank goodness but I have to say I do enjoy a child free wedding. I have been to weddings where a nanny was employed to look after the children whilst the service was going on and also like the idea of a room for the children to eat in.
I will have children and an entertainer for them during speeches at my wedding, if I had no children I wouldn't invite any but very close family. Nothing worse than kids shouting during speeches, wailing during the ceremony and staying far too late. I will be having a small note on my invitation about parental responsibility and speeches are for adults only etc, ie the venue has requested children do not talk during the ceremony and that all parents supervise their children at all times!!!
Posie - good for you. I fear that 'children not talking during the ceremony' will be really difficult. What about children that just shout out, burst into tears or are just crying.
I would go further than you and not have any children at the wedding. You would be amazed how many people think they are 'close' family or even turn up on the day with a crying baby saying that their babysitter let them down.
Based on some of the responses here, some people are trying to make a point.
We invited all the kids - most of our friends had started producing by then. And we had a separate meal for them and it was nothing to do with wanting them out of the way! We did that so that the tinies, who wouldn't be able to cope with being separated from their parents, and in fact probably couldn't feed themselves, would be able to have their meal nicely during the champagne bit (which all kids find very boring unless they create total mayhem!) and their parents would still be able to eat their own meals - with tinies sitting with them if necessary. After the meal, the tables were moved and the older kids could play in there if they wanted.
We haven't been to that many weddings where kids have been invited though. It seems a shame sometimes, but of course there are occasions when it just isn't right for the bride and groom. We're going to one this summer but are lucky to have grandparents to mind DD and we're having a day off. But 3 weekends so close together is really tough.
I dont have strong opinions either way tbh. I think its up to the bride and groom how they want their wedding day to be whether thats kids or no kids. DH's friend is getting married tomorrow, our smallest is only 12 weeks old and its a long way away so DH is going on his own (child free wedding)
Posie - I have to say that I would rather it said 'no children' on the invitation than say 'children must not speak or make a noise during the speeches' that sentence would put the fear of god in me that my dc's would ruin your wedding as they are 2yrs and 12 weeks and nothing on this earth would MAKE either of them be quiet for a length of time!!
Their wedding, their choice. We decided to get married in central london rather than my hometown so we figured that the vast majority of people would be happy to get babysitters since most of our guests lived in london. If we had invited children, it would have been 120 adults and 40 children. No reduction on the cost of children's meals and it would have been a children's party, not a wedding. I also fancied a dance at the end of the night with my mates who otherwise would have had to go home with their LOs. It is the one day in your life when you should be able to do what you want, IMO. But, you can't be pissed off if people then say they can't come.
One thing I've noticed about this "debate" is that the pro-kids camp often uses it as open-season to throw insults about the bride/groom/wedding in general.
I am just loving the sweeping and grandiose statements. Child free weddings are low class and tacky. All of them ? so the one at the church we drove past the other day with the kids outside in track suits and the guests with tinies in hand was presumeably a local society affairs ? I will look out for the notes in Harpers
I agree with the fallen madonna. No-one has the right to dictate to another person their concept of what a wedding should be. If you like kids at weddings, then have children at your wedding, and if you don't then don't but no-one has got the right to dictate to other people that they should / should not have children at theirs!
I personally wouldn't have children at weddings myself, all too often I find them boring, so I think that the concept of making a small child sit around, bored out of their brain, being well behaved with not much to do all day completely inappropriate. And I know on the few occassions I've had to bring my daughter with me, it has always been a stressfull occasion, as she has just not got the ability to sit quietly for the hour long service, the hour and a half sit down meal whatever (no matter how many toys I take along!). Kids end up running around, messing about and imo spoiling the day for everyone else. Maybe I'm being a misery guts here, but even I get annoyed by other people's kids who mess around at weddings!
Final point, again someone else iterated it, but why do you expect that all invites have to include the whole family? When my eldest daughter gets a birthday invite, do I expect her sibling to be automatically invited too? No, because they are individuals and it is my eldest daughter who is the friend, not the youngest. Likewise, if I am invited to a wedding, should I expect my children to be invited too? No, not automatically (although it is nice if they are!) because often the bride is my friend, she is not friends with my children! We can accept the concept that we are individuals and so get invited individually to things, therefore it is perfectly acceptable for us adults to get invited to things without the kids... geez, some people will be demanding that their kids get invited to the hen party next!
So bringing me back to my original point... people can have whatever kind of wedding they like - if you like kids at weddings, then have them at your wedding, but this does not give anyone the right to say what other people should do at their weddings. If you don't like it, don't go but that doesn't give you grounds to moan or bitch about it. Just get over it.
Why do people get so on their high horse about this? DH and I married relatively late and if all our friends and family had brought their children there would have been about forty of them. That's a bloody primary class or two. We couldn't have the wedding we would have done had we met ten years before, ie 100-ish people in a London venue, because there just wasn't room for children. We compromised and had a small registry office do with nieces and nephews and one babe in arms followed by a party for everyone, including children. We were new parents and wanted to be child friendly. Frankly, I wish we had just done what we wanted.
Aaaaagh, if we had invited kids to our wedding their would have been 50 of them, which would mean we could invite 50 less of our friends, and the place would have been like a f*cking soft play centre with the number of kids there. And we would have had to pay £1000 to feed the children. I know that may sound like i'm a bit of a child hater but I'm not, I love kids, but it really riles me when people get all ar*sey about children not being invited. Perhaps they would like to cover the cost of hiring the largest venue in the world, and the approx £20 per head cost of feeding them? Oh, and while I'm on one, if it's so unacceptable to invite adults without their children does that mean I should never ever attempt to see adult friends again unless it's a day time affair with kids there too?
if you noticed I started my post with 'I think... ' Of course people can do what they like and no one should dictate, but, and call me a pedant, I think, means that this is my personal opinion, which if you ask questions on a world wide web internet site of unlimited numbers of strangers, surely you are expecting a wide range of other peoples opinions
Where do people get these ideas? I might suddenly take against old people and at our next christening make them sit in the toilets in case one of their hearing aids whistles. 
) but it didn't stop about 20 people ringing up to check. Imagine if we hadn't put it! Just because a child isn't named on an invitation doesn't stop people thinking they are invited IME. 
