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Red Flag #1: Crying Out for Help "The most common warning is when a partner tells you something is amiss and you don't believe it," Praver says. "He or she may say, 'This marriage isn't working,' or 'I am not happy.'"
Red Flag #2: Sudden Change—or Interest—in Appearance Is your husband talking about getting Botox to eliminate his frown lines? Did your wife recently start coloring her hair and scrapping her jeans for a low-cut black dress? If so, this may indicate he or she is on the prowl, experts say
Red Flag #3: Unconstructive Criticism "If your partner says, 'You need to see a psychiatrist,' 'You need help,' 'Get a job,' 'Lose weight,' or 'Go to the gym,' and is constantly critical, it's all part of the same theme—which is that there is something wrong with you," points out Elizabeth Landers of Gross Pointe, Michigan, co-author of THE SCRIPT: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat.
"Unconsciously, they are setting it up to say their partner was nuts and wouldn't even go for help." Another tip-off is when he or she starts picking fights about something you are good at, so you fight back and then he or she calls you argumentative," she says. "These things happen 100 percent of the time."
Red Flag #4: the Tony Soprano-Style Guilt Gift On HBO's The Sopranos, mobster Tony Soprano often presents his doting wife with lavish jewels so she will look the other way about his extramarital activities. "Sometimes it's a guilty, look-the-other-way gift or a see-I-am-really-a-good guy-even-if-I-leave-you gift," Landers says. "It could be a diamond bracelet, a cashmere sweater, a new car. Or if you are former President Bill Clinton, it could be the state of New York," she says, referring to Clinton's now notorious philandering and his wife Hillary Clinton's ascension to New York's senator. "It may seem normal to think, 'He's obviously not cheating; he just gave me this gorgeous bracelet'—but don't be fooled," she says.
Red Flag #5: Snubbed at the Company Party "If you get the cold shoulder at your husband's company holiday party where everyone used to be friendly, it's a sign," Landers says. "His colleagues either know about the affair and figure you are on the way out, so why be nice? Or your partner has been making critical comments about you so they think you are no good."
Red Flag #6: Sneaking "One of the red flags is when a partner is sneaking around a bit," Praver says. Maybe he or she takes secret cell phone calls on the porch instead of using the phone by the bed, or maybe he is out on weeknights whereas he used to be home watching television, she says. "If you see that a person is not around that much and is gone on different nights, something may be up," she says.
Red Flag #7: History Repeats Itself "Sometimes people with a background of these types of things may be more likely to repeat them," Van Epp says. "There are exceptions and people can change patterns in their life, but if we are talking about red flags, history is a red flag."
I don't agree with Red Flag 2 (or at least not for women). As so much emphasis is placed on women's weight and appearance in media etc, that I think women want to do this stuff for themselves.
I agree with you on 5 - that knowing about affair doesn't = thinking he will leave you.
Agree with icod on point 5 - embarrassed more than 'why be nice?', but still a valid point.
Oh, I've had every one of these points done to me. You should have seen my face when he presented me with some flowers after I'd taken an exam. They weren't to impress me, but to impress the young girl I was with at the exam, so she would think 'what a lovely man. I wish he was mine'. I looked at him like 'WTF? You never buy me flowers. What's going on?' So that one backfired on him a bit!
This post brings back memories of the good old, bad old days
It's all well to say trust your instincts, though I absolutely agree but the criticism goes a long way into making the decieved partner feel their instincts are untrustworthy. Unfortunately! The deceived partner's queries or actions upon following instinctive niggles tend to be faced with denial on the part of the deciever and assertion that the decieved is stark raving bonkers for even considering the mere possibility of such a thing (as well as stupid, heartless, ugly, useless, etc, etc.)
It's not only about demoralising and degrading the decieved, it's also, importantly, about creating a truth~ seeking self justification for their behaviour, for which there really is none!
Number 2, my xh always, always wore black trousers and a shirt, as though he was dressed for the office (though he never worked, the git!)
When he had an affair, (and he had several), he would suddenly start buying trendy stuff like combat trousers etc.
Here's another good clue: Becoming manic about the cleanliness of the car. He always used to say he was giving one of his friends a lift to the airport, so it had to be clean or they would think he was a slob. In reality, he didn't want sweet wrappers and fag ash stuck to his arse when he was rolling around in the back with her
Hmmm, for example, my relationship with exP was not an abusive relationship until the moment he took up with heartless, callous OW. At which point it became one of the most abusive experiences of my life.
Which is why (apart from the fact he's attempted to take back all the rubbish he came out with) I know it was just a load of hurtful self serving tosh. Now.
*taking care of their own appearance *new perfume or after shave *mobile on silent, texting and taking calls outside *making big dramas over what seems small details * presents of any value - guilt gifts from flowers to diamond engagment or etenity rings tie or cuff links
four of these things or more happening and something is amiss in my experiance
agree with icod and stirling, these 'flags' are very american. Usually people tend to keep their distance at an office party because they don't approve of their boss'/colleague's behaviour but daren't say anything and feel sorry for the wife but don't want to meddle.
Depends on what you're used to in a relationship but I get small things from my dp, or sticky notes with lovely stuff on them, he even bought 2 summer dresses for me recently and gave me flowers for mother's day (tentatively as I was 8 weeks pregnant by then). So if he continued that it wouldn't be an indicator at all.
And he always wants to look good and is really meticulous and stylish in his appearance, so I wouldn't notice at all.
I guess as women we just 'feel' something has changed isn't quite right. Love the book Blink on tis topic. A gut feeling that something isn't quite right. A look into cell phone, bank account, etc. then proves the theory et voila, Monsieur has been paying attention elsewhere...
It's the criticism and blame, the shifting of guilt onto an innocent wife's shoulders and the constant drip feed of making the wife feel insecure which is pure poison and shows something is terribly amiss.
I have to add that over the years I've also come across a good percentage of women who do turn a blind eye to extramarital activities and cling on to their social status/perceived perfect lives like glue. Even if they inwardly hurt and are unhappy about the situation they'd much rather be Mrs. X then stand up for themselves and re-establish equality and show their kids that a wife's role is not being an unloved doormat but a person with spirit and pride.
I agree, WileE, the 'you're paranoid' stuff does undermine the deceived partner's confidence in their ability to see the world clearly. But I think sometimes that the deceived partner would rather believe they were wrong than right (I always preferred to think I was paranoid, rather than that he was actually having an affair, even though you can see from my statements above that I did actually know). I was complicit in his campaign to prove me paranoid, because it was less painful than the other alternative of facing up to the truth.
Number 5 is odd, agree they are more likely embarrased and avoiding you
My friend caught her DH out becuase she kept on having to fill the car up with petrol cause he was driving to see his ow and not filling the car back up
My xh used to take my daughter to ballet, nip off and see his OW, then forget to bring daughter home from ballet on his way back. He did it three times. Pillock.
Was there not once a thread on here about your unfailing ability to know when marriages were going pear-shaped, cod?
I remember posting something about staring gloomily at the cake knife at parties, and you could tell the person was fantasising about plunging it into their spouse's back.
littlewoman, the women I described who are hanging on to a relationship where the H has gone AWOL are separated in two distinct groups if I may add.
The ones I described have grown so accustomed to a certain lifestyle, social circle, are set in their ways that they 'know' he's playing away or suspect him to do so but never really investigate and after all don't want to know because their 'perfect' lives would break apart, etc.
Then there are the thousands of women who are just simply in love with their partner, have grown up with him, love their family units and simply refuse to believe he could do such a thing. Most of the ladies on MN, also your own story (yes I've been stalking you on your threads , fall into the latter category. Good hearted, trusting women who have their carpets pulled away under their very feet. >Hugs<
Since finding out about h's affair, I lost loads of weight (not to gain his approval, more that I couldn't eat and felt totally sick when I did). I starting keeping fit to counter the anger and rage so now I look great (I know, modesty!!).
What I am trying to say is that I now look and act different as I am regaining my confidence but there are (Alpha) Mums in the playground that stare at me in that "I'm sure you're up to something" way, and dont speak to me!!
Well, I was worried, motherinferior. He kept buying sleeveless T-shirts, which make him look gay. It was very hard to know what he was up to, and with whom.
I used to work in a company where the senior executives travelled a great deal to visit International affiliate offices. My boss (and his boss) were notorious womanisers on business trips.
I found it extremely difficult (and eventually impossible) to socialise with their wives 'back home' when I knew that 2 days earlier (for example), one had been naked in the hotel jacuzzi at 3AM with Maija from the Finland office. Socialising at company head office events (where wives/dp were invited) required me to go along with the charade that these were happily married/faithful men. I couldn't do it - felt complicit somehow - so avoided the wives, or had minimal contact.
Same Earlybird. When I was in my twenties my evil ex flatmate was bonking her boss and invited him and his wife to a party at our flat. It was excruciating - everyone there knew they were having an affair except the wife. They had 3 kids, one was a baby who he used to bring to the flat as he used the baby as cover to see my evil flatmate. They only stopped when the baby started to talk.
lol at MIs h adn clothes my h has lost all this weight and is clothes mad 0- ofr the first time in his life has the money and figure to buy what he wants
I used to work in a hotel - there was a couple who came on business and always wanted the rooms with interconnecting doors - cos then when their spouses telephoned they could answer the phone in their own rooms and where always in their own hotel room!!
One spouse did though twig that the other was having an affair and turned up at the hotel - when they knocked on the hotel room door (they of course knew the number as it was thought they were miles away) the spouse answered and the connecting door was pen into the next room and the game was up.
They never came to stay again..... any of them.....
Oh, the things you must see in a hotel. I've heard some stories. One which really should have involved the police actually
Salla, we've had a debate (read massive argument! It was brilliant!) The word slapper was voted a big no-no on here, but we can do all the smelling bad, eating lots, and wearing ugly clothes we like
I started trying to lose weight, tone up and wear nicer clothes a few months after I had each of my DCs (four in all). I was just waking out of the postnatal fog and trying to reclaim myself as a human being instead of a brood mare - as I worked full time I needed to look at least respectable. XH always thought it meant an affair. Eventually I gave up trying to look nice, and looked forward to being fat and old so he would stop suspecting me. But he never did - in between commenting how unattractive I was. When I pointed out the inconsistency he just said some men have peculiar tastes.
Now I'm trying to get the energy back to reclaim my figure and self-confidence - and it's STILL not for some bloody bloke, it's just for me. "Because I'm worth it."
Agree, in situations like that at work, any reason I have had for avoiding wives has been a complete refusal to be complicit in their betrayal by their bastard philandering husbands
God people here do go on a fair bit about bleeding affairs. No offence meant, it just seems that if you do not devote your whole life to being a mum and wife you are suspect. Since my youngest went to school full time I have lost weight, bought new clothes and perfume. If any man falls for that, it's their problem not mine.
