It is a relief to know I'm not the only one..I think you can't change someone if its so ingrained (their bloody parents!) and if I add up all the good bits they out weigh the bad. Especially when I see how may of my friends husbands do sodall around the house. That wouldbe worse as that is behaviour you can change.

Or am I fooling myself????

"I've told him I need cuddles etc on a day to day basis to feel like having sex with him but it's like he can't process that and whenever we do cuddle he starts groping or humping me within minutes-it really pisses me off."

Same here too - it would be nice for a cuddle to just be a cuddle iykwim...Ireally dont want to be groped when im cooking tea and the children are trying to kill each other!!

Thanks for messages.
Have decided am okay with the odd demonstration here and there and would actually not like him all over me either. And that there are things I can do to improve relationship but for some reason am steadfastly not doing them. I think when people have said unkind things to you in the past it's difficult to forget them and you carry a kind of stale resentment and hurt around.

yes I agree eyeliner. I don't want to be slobbered over but it would be nice if he did grab me for a cuddle rather than me doing it all the time. I would just love to lay on the sofa cuddling sometimes but that never happens

My DH is the same - no physical affection apart from in bed. I have got used to it. All his family are the same. I have told him again and again but he forgets and he just can't change sincerely it is just the way some people are put together.

i don't want to be slobbered over but hey - holding hands would be a start LOL

Neither!!

Hi. Just thought I would add my bit, not read the whole thread though.

My OH has always been very unaffectionate. Me on the otherhand am affectionate. He wont cuddle me in the day, does kiss me if he arrives home or leaves most of the time but no snogs! He works away in the week and we still have a healthy sex life but that is when his affection comes out. I look at it as his parents are not affectionate at all and this is how he has been brought up but my parents were affectionate so so am I. I am affectionate to my kids, he will give them a cuddle though.

I have kind of become withdrawn from this and don't really care now if I get a cuddle or not!

I meant to add, I think that some people are just not naturally very tactile. To try and force it feels very alien.

This has struck a chord with me.

I am the other side of this coin.

My DH would love to show me more physical affection but I am the one who clams up. I have no idea why. It may be something to do with it always being prelude to sex (I like sex, just mostly on MY terms so I hate to be groped.)

The funny thing is, my DH is a very reasonable fella and if I explained this he would understand and respect my POV. I just can't seem to bring myself to talk about it.

Long story short, I sympathise to some extent with Arabella's DH (although I do agree some of the behaviour you describe is controlling and I don't do any of that shenanigans).

mine is affectioante day to day-lots of hugs and kisses and messing about and lots of i ,ove yous-i'm very lucky.

Message withdrawn

Don't fall into the trap of comparing the outside of someone else's relationship to the inside of yours

Many couples present a very different picture to the reality!

I don't want him all over me - just the odd acknowledgement now and then that it is us and not me and him at loggerheads. Yes I think he does play powergames and is often irrational in what he says.
Maybe all of us with people who are kind of detached need to cultivate a strong life of our own so that we don't rely so much on one person for everything. Part of you knows that something is kind of wrong when you see how uncomplicated and loving some other couples can be.

arabella,
your dh/dp sounds exactly like mine im having a miscarriage now but he still acts like nothing happened.
his culture is totally different from mine and he comes from a super conservative background. he wouldnt kiss/hug in public even as a husband&wife cos' he finds it embarassing and would only hold my hand if i hold his first.
yeah and the bed part, i find him a bit loving.. then its gone in the morning.
been married for nearly 5 yrs and he hasnt given me a single rose/flower even b4 we got married
it hurts me a lot cos' hes not even caring or loving anymore..maybe just once in a blue moon ..
at some point in my life, i say to myself 'whats the use of having a kid with him? hes not bothered abt me'
i dont know what will change him..

EARN his affection

So he is using it to try and control you, a power game?

Arabella, mine is the same. am starved of affection/attention, have been for a long time, am thinking about leaving because of it, i need/deserve more than this.

My dh is the same

I've told him I need cuddles etc on a day to day basis to feel like having sex with him but it's like he can't process that and whenever we do cuddle he starts groping or humping me within minutes-it really pisses me off.

He sounds like hard work I'm not suprised you feel used

Do you think he would go for couples counselling?

arabella, my dh is the same. It is definitely his upbringing, his parents were very distant.It drives me mad, it builds up then I get cross about it..but I can't get him to change.

If you really dont want to talk to him about it - Could you maybe try a weeks experiment of you making the effort to cuddle up to him on the sofa and kiss him hello and goodbye and just casually touch his arm etc when you are talking and see how the situation is after the week is up?
You never know, it could just be a habit/rut that he has got into and he might start becoming more affectionate if you kick start him!

Yes CountessDracula he is angry with me. If I sit down and say what you suggest he will simply come back at me with a list of all the things I have to change to "earn" his affection.

Move his mouth away from mine (though I gave up trying this a long time ago) but he does like / doesn't mind hugs and kisses on the cheek.
I think it is a lot to do with family culture. I doubt if he saw his mum and dad cuddle much. Especially as they split up when he was about 15.

Well if you can't talk to him about it it won't change.

I should imagine it is a symptom of his anger and fear.

Is it really not possible to sit down and discuss sensibly? To say look I am not picking on you or moaning but I really need affection and I think we have forgotten to be kind to each other.

My dp always gives me a kiss when he leaves the house, always tells me he loves me before he hangs up on the phone, will cuddle me in bed and not because he wants sex, if we sit on the sofa together he strokes my feet my favourite is when I'm doing something in the kitchen and he comes in and puts his hands on my waist and kisses my neck (sometimes i'm really busy and not as grateful as I could be)

I'm a really affectionate person though I hug my friends and kiss on the cheek I say I love you to them (did it to one of my work friends and was a bit embarrassed, it just slipped out oops)

I wouldn't let him behave like your dh I'd say "oi wheres my kiss?" if my dp ever kisses me on the forehead or cheek i'll say I'm not your mother give me a proper kiss! I'll often give him the nod to meet me in the hall (away from dc's eyes to give him a proper kiss too sometimes!)

I think there is hope for your situation if you explain to him how you feel and try to initate more affection with him outside the bedroom he might pick it up and get into the habit of being more loving with you too.

What does he do when you try to hug and kiss him?

I had a friend and she used to complain her DP saw every kiss/cuddle as leading to sex. She got upset that he could not have physical contact without expecting sex.

My DH loves cuddles and hugs, but he is so in touch with his female side he is practically a woman most days.

I think you have a couple of issues: his falling off from physical contact with the children (stress?), and him being unable to separate a cuddle with you from full sex.

What does he say about it?

My friend's DP just could not get his head round cuddles not leading straight to sex. In the end he saw a therapist and he was fine after that and a lot calmer in the rest of his life too.

My dh is very tactile. It's very important to me; ex was not apart from during sex and I found that quite hurtful. In his case it was to do with a fear of intimacy I believe, but I reckon it's often just because of how one is brought up, eg my family were very physically demonstrative so I expect that.

Missed some messages - he doesn't mind the odd cuddle and will cuddle back but never inititiate. He does not like kisses particularly and kisses on the mouth are a complete no no unless in bed.

He's very difficult to talk to at the moment as he flies off the handle at the slightest thing and sighs and raises eyebrows sardonically about lots of the things I say. Plus he is in serious financial trouble and has been for about three years. He is angry with me about lots of stuff which partly explains his attitude. Yes he was more affectionate before the kids but not that much really (not like when I first met him). I do think a basic level of affection is important otherwise you end up feeling like the housekeeper.

That's a shame, arabella.
<y dh and I are affectionate - we kiss when one of us comes in or leaves and though we don't snuggle up a lot, we frequently touch each other as we pass, iykwim.

How does he react if you kiss or cuddle him?

Well, I suppose if he's always been like that he's not going to change unless you tell him you want to.

If this behaviour is out of the ordinary, you need to find out why.

My dh is v. cuddly when greeting and saying goodbye, but doesn't necessarily do much snogging in between times.

Has he always been like this? It may be that he just equates showing affection as being a prelude to sex - and you need to talk to him to let him know that it's SO much more than that.

yes, he is. not in a vomitous way, but he is kind and warm and affectionate yes.

was he before you had the children?

has he always always been like this?

Have you talked to him about it?

So then I think, I'm damned if I ever do that again, it almost makes me feel slightly used.

Because mine doesn't touch me, say nice things to me etc... EVER. Then we will be occasionally be intimate (and there are no sexual problems, in fact it's probably the one and only thing in our relationship which is okay at the moment)and I'm thinking - great that must have broken some kind of ice, but no, the next day it's as if nothing has happened and he goes back to being warm and affectionate with the kids (sitting with, kissing, cuddling - he'll come home and kiss all 3 but not me) and totally detached from me.