OK. This is another "moan about my husband thread" but this is also actually seriously getting me down and I don't know if other people manage to live with it or not?

Example from this morning, I take a housekey off my key-ring to give to DH, it drops down the side of the seat.

We're in a bit of a rush (but no urgent deadline), he blows up, especially as he gets his hands dirty looking for it, stands aside to let me grub around for it, "I knew this would happen, so annoying/stupid bla bla bla". I find it, he drives off.

This kind of thing happens all the time, for ex. if he can't find sth he wants, if things aren't in the right place, if the fridge is not "organised" enough.

It gets me really wound up and stressed, and with 2 DS + full-time job I don't need the hassle. I actually feel more relaxed when he's not there, especially with the kids.

Anyone got any coping strategies for this? (I would like him to stop sweating the small stuff)

God I could have written that. 90% of DH's sentences start with 'Where's my...' but he puts absolutely zero effort into organising himself and wants me to do it then moans when it is not perfect.

I am on mat leave at moment, but am going to do rock all for him when I go back to work as it is driving me mad too. Most of our spats seem to happen in the kitchen or the car for some reason.
I really wish he would invest some time weekly into getting organised eg his clothes, sports equipment, work stuff, house stuff. But he won't.

My dh is identical and after years of it getting worse I now ignore it as I'll be damned if I'mm gonna get all het up about it too.

He made a huge fuss over his overnight holdall once, accusing me of moving it and putting it somewhere but forgetting where I'd put it.

D'ya know what, after hunting high and low I took his car key and rifled through the disorganised mess in the boot of his car and there was the said holdall with stuff still in it from the last time he used it !

Did I get an apology, NO !

Ignore, ignore, ignore just like you would do with a toddler tantrum.

My DH thinks he is the only one going through it at the time!
DS had tonsillitis and I stayed at home with him the whole week because couldn't go to nursery/work. DH said after spending just the weekend with him "can't wait to go back to work for a rest", bloody cheek !!
Well, after the week I had had, I couldn't help but blow up.

I then got accussed of being miserable and maybe I needed to see the dr in case I Had PND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His favourite saying is........."well its not there, I can't find it, you've moved it". And then has a strop when I go straight to the item !!

Agree with sitdownpleasegeorge - ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good. If he's going to act like an idiot, ignore him.

Oh Blimely!

My DS is very similar. It does get to me big time sometimes.

He is obsessed with making sure my handbag and car keys are upstairs at night time in case anyone tries to break in. I couldn't find my keys the other night (i knew they were in the house) but he couldn't sleep, he was so wound up about it.

Before we go on holiday he wanders round checking everything twice.

He's always asking if I've locked this or switched that off and then saying "are you sure". I usually take the piss and say something like "no, I left the front door wide open with a note on it saying where all our valuables are".

Can he take you joking about it or would that make it worse?

Yes, sneekpeeks!

My DH is the same - "YOU must have moved it".

If I tell him where something is he will open the cupboard and if it's not there in front of him he says he can't find it and "you always say something is there and it isn't"

That REALLY winds me up!

DH even on that first message......

DH is exactly the same. he blew up at the weekend because he couldn't find a small bag that we keep playing cards, bottle opener etc for camping in the cupboard under the stairs. When I got up to look for the bag in the cupboard (because I'd seen it there) he had a rant about why was I looking there - he's already look and ITS NOT IN THERE

After he left to go camping without the bag I opened the cupboard there it was facing me! He'd done the exact same thing the day before about a CD he couldn't find!

DS is the exact same and twice as stubborn!

HSAY - Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he blows up like this?

Is he quite an uptight person anyway? Or controlling? Could you turn it into a joke?

It's not easy living with someone like this at all - I've had 15 years of it! I think sometimes you just have to switch off.

At the moment, my DH favourite rant is the amount of clutter we have and how it's all "your shit".

He also goes on about the kitchen like your DH and how it's always messy but thankfully doesn't mention the fridge - he will quite happily put empty boxes and milk bottles back in there.

Apparantely, David Beckham is like this - has to have everything matching and tidy in cupboards!

Think my DH would like to live in a white box with a bed, one table and two chairs........

dh is anal about everything, he treats me as an employee sometimes, he picks dd and i up on every little thing.
we are doing a parenting course at the moment which advocates ignoring for irritating things that dd does, or any child does.he has put this into practice with dd and i have suggested he does it to me, i constantly ask him was that really worth a comment, 9 times out of 10 its no. things have got alot better these last few weeks.

my usual strategy was to do the same to him which then errupted into rows but he did see where i was comming from.

its exhausting picking up on everything.

Ever since my dp was my boss he'll go: Where's x? How much is contract x? What's x doing?

If I then run around like a weasel trying to find the answer he's simultaneously calling someone else, calculates it himself or doesn't need the info anymore.

A lot is sprung on me last minute, too.

And I'm always responsible for misplacing keys, books, passports, etc. or get dragged out of whatever I'm doing to support his cause only to see him get mad and finding it himself.

H. has an obsession with doors & drawers -- he gets very het up if one is left ajar / slightly open. He's been muttering about spring-loading all our doors / drawers so they will self-close.

(Holds Head in hands, prays H. might get a life )

Hah, XH (with whom I'm still sharing a house till we can sell it) is the messiest pup in the entire universe. He tried that "place is too cluttered with YOUR shit" the other day. I reached for the first item on the nearest heap and said "so, these are my trousers, are they? And this pair of Y-fronts are definitely mine, right? Oh, and these papers with your handwriting on them... and this car manual... and this pair of men's shoes... and this pair of knackered old plimsolls that I tried to put in the bin but SOMEbody got them out again... all mine, sure." He got tremendously angry and said I was just nitpicking.

You are all married to my DH

The most irritating thing is that if he has a go it is perfectly valid because I have fucked up - whereas if I have a go then I am nagging and being unfair

He was my boss when we met. Thinking about it, that explains a lot really.

How familiar! whenever DH has lost anything from car keys to his favourite shirt it is because I tidied it away/put it in the wrong place/threw it out/hid it from him deliberately/don't keep this place tidy enough" . I usually ignore him.

Glad to see I'm not alone then

My usual reponse is to argue back, or nitpick as soon as I get the opportunity.

Or say things like "well if I'd done that you would be so cross".

Which doesn't help.

Obviously.

But I feel like I'm being weak or giving in if I just ignore it.

I Like your suggestion hifi although actually DH is as critical with the DC as he is with me (doesn't seem to bug them though, they adore him).

I do manage humour sometimes Needamassage (like you, we have the checking of doors a million times etc.). But it doesn't often feel funny

you are all married to my dh. whose nitpickign lead to a huge row today.

So I'm not the only one who can't rise above it, eh?

Wow, I could have written almost each and every post as well. Do you think it's an age thing? I too feel weak if I ignore it and kind of get angry and weepy inside, but if I answer back it starts a fight. I too feel like an employee. I think men have a base level of arrogance that is much higher than ours. They can put themselves in their own shoes but never in ours. I actually really dislike my dh at the moment because every second thing he says is a criticism of the above type. And whereas the kids get affection as well as nitpicking, I only get the nitpicking. I suppose detachment is the key but I keep on thinking this is the person who is supposed to love me and with whom I am supposed to grow old and then I get upset because I can see us in the future as two old codgers constantly having a go at each other and who wants a life like that.

my dh is very anal - his pet hate is the way the dishwasher is loaded. We have been together nearly 7 years, married 5 and in all that time I could not get me head round the way he wanted it doing, so now....he does it. Saves the arguments!

I have used this strategy in most things now - if you want x doing 'better' than I do it already, you do it.....grump, huff, huff, grump and off he shuffles.

Also he is starts to nitpick "this needs doing, you haven't done this, whinge whinge whine, whine....." I simply treat him like the toddler he is behaving like....."DH, I am not listening, when you can learn to speak to me like a grown up, I will listen" and then ignore any further comments until he snuggles up to me and says "sorry mummy....love you really" (pet hate of mine, calling me mummy when boys are in bed! freak!)

Yes Arabella, that's how I feel too.

I really worry that if he's this difficult now, and this demanding, that old age will be a complete nightmare.

When I try to be detached from it, I just feel like we are living in parallel universes and wonder what the point is?

It's true, the kids get the affection and the fun too whereas I just get a list of what I haven't done, or what I've spilt or what I've done wrongly or sloppily etc.

My God are all men the same? My Dh has traits of all the posts. I usually ignore him - but his latest is how did you cook that? When I tell him he says "oh well I would do it like this, it is a better way!" The funny thing is I have cooked EVERYTHING for the last 15 years apart from the last 16 weeks when he has cooked the simplist meals as I have had an operation. Now he thinks he is Gordon Flippin' Ramsay.
Norrmally one of my looks is enough to shut him up!

Oooh meely2 my DH does that too - I HATE being called mummy by him but he doesn't see the problem.

Now he thinks I'm being nitpicky about that and corrects himself sarkily

meeely - that's my strategy with my DH too! If you don't like the way I do, do it yourself. Cue much huffing, puffing, back peddling from DH

Ignore ignore ignore

It works - though dh still does it from time to time, I don't get anything like so het up about it because I can IGNORE it!

Oh wow, I thought my DH was unique!
I am CONSTANTLY getting "have you seen my wallet / phone / keys / climbing gear / trousers" etc. to which I respond "no darling, it's probably where you left it". Cue 15 mins of frantic searching, turning the house upside down, swearing under his breath, stampeding up and down stairs only to find the damn item is already in his bag or sitting in full view on the kitchen table and he is late for work.

The other thing is that he stubbornly refuses to remember where things are kept in the house so if he is looking for something and I direct him to it I either get "no it's not there!! I can't see it!" when the item is patently right in front of him or alternatively "wow darling, you are amazing, how do you know where everything is? I would be lost without you". But WHY does he never remember where we keep things??! He is a grown up!

It was a real eye opener when we first met and I saw his desk at work - he must spend half of every day just looking for papers in the pile of crap he has accumulated there. I should have seen the warning signs then...

I actually enjoy feeling smug and holier than thou when I point out to DH when the thing he insists is missing is right in front of him, e.g. yesterday he was looking for some sauce in the fridge. Came back twice insisting it wasn't there. I walked through, extracted said item which was right in front of his nose labelled in v big letters, and said "Oh, of course you couldn't find it, it was so tucked away, badly labelled and not at all RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!"

Cue one sheepish DH and me feeling victorious. Ahh the pleasure....

Arabella and Haventslept - know what you're saying.

Sometimes get so worn down with the bickering as I can't let it go. I'm always saying "don't bark orders at me, I'm not an employee".

thanks for brightening my day.
i have 2 kids 1 aged 11 the other 44.

Dp can never find anything so constantly asks me.
for example, conversation last night
where is my paper driving license?
in the filing case i reply
where is the case?
in the bla bla where it has been for the past 5 years !!!!
i hear rummaging from upstairs.
I cant find it
The front compartment i yell
oh didnt look there

A dear old lady who i worked for once said to me remember that
men have mothers then get wives
men look but never see
men can never make tea without flooding the worksurface
men wouldnt do it if they had to do it themselves.

Once asked Dp how he ever did things before i came along, to which he replied 'I didnt'

also will confess that I am the one who checks sockets & doors at bedtime or if we are going out. He couldnt care less

Ooooh lots of familiar things here !

For one reason or another I'm finding my kids hard work atm (sahm/4 dcs)and am feeling pretty tired and strung out as a result. Days are very busy yadda yadda yadda.

Dh - who don't get me wrong works VERY hard - has a knack of coming in of an evening and immediately honing in on the ONE small thing I've not managed to do that day. eg "So you didn't manage to get the soya milk then <<inward sigh>> ?"

Or, and this is my absolute pet hate with dh, when we've just sat down at around 9pm to the meal I've cooked (having previously cooked for the dcs, cleared up, done baths etc) he'll say in a non committal but oh so bloody irritating voice "Where did you get this chicken/fish/whatever ?" The clear subtext is he doesn't like it. I actually had a calm chat with him the other night about this. I said, fair enough, some meals are nicer than others, and you're entitled to your opinion, but 1. I've stood and cooked it at the end of a long day 2. It's my meal too, can't you give me five minutes to relax over it before we talk about its qualities ? More often than not, if it turns out I've bought some rubbish steak or overcooked the lemon sole, I'll be the first to notice and comment myself thank you very much ! I also reminded him that on the very rare occasions when he cooks, nothing less than fulsome praise will do. "But that's different; I don't do it very often. " "No it isn't ! Frequency is irrelevant; it's still insensitive to nit pick about a meal that's been cooked for you the mi nute the cook sits down to relax for five goddam minutes."

<<Deep breath>>

I can sympathise with everyone getting fed up with DHs not being able to find things - we manage to laugh about this one and have learnt to ignore or put up with.

This is not our worst thing, it's more the getting wound up about minor things and always criticizing.

Like needamassage I feel like an employee sometimes.

I think we need a rule that if you wouldn't say it to a friend, you shouldn't say it to each other. Might be hard though

Yes backfire sounds familiar.

Am now wondering whether I do it too - or what I have done to make him think he can get away with it?

HSFAY, I don't think it's anything you have done, I believe it's a "Man" thing. Unless something they are looking for jumps up, waves and announces "I'm Heeeeere!", they are genetically unable to locate it. Similar in some ways to my eyes glazing over when DH patiently explains AGAIN how to put oil in the car. I can't bring myself to apply the effort required to care. So I dont.

Did you marry my DH?

We just had a huge argument because I was doing the shopping online while he was cooking dinner and had the audacity to ask "How are we for Eggs" and got yelled at because he'd written a shopping list out.

So i went and got it, and 2 minutes later asked "Did you want cornflakes because they're not on the list"

BOOM.. talk about an over-reaction, he just totally lost it and started being a complete arse over it, shouting, ranting, telling me to shut the hell up...etc

My DP gets het up over nothing, Normally DIY, "but its not straight" EVERYTHING HAS TO BE EXACT WITH HIM. lol

Just sneaked upstairs whilst DH is downstairs having his coffee to tell you earlier I got confused with all the different remotes for the tv, dvd, sky etc. and managed to muddle up the channels.

DH says "What the FUCK are you doing" really loudly. I just looked at him and said "You really need to calm down, talk about overreacting!".

The thing is, if I use the F word, he says "You sound awful when you use that language".

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK...........

Ah, feel better now .

This is hilarious! I read all the stories. I love this thread. Can we write a book please?

I think all men are pretty much the same!!!

I love the 'I can't find it. You must've moved it' - I get that all the time!!!

Why is it, men can't remember where they put something, can't remember where they last had it, can't remember when, but have a vividly clear recollection that YOU had it.............

I ignore it most of the time. Only time I get annoyed with him is if he's running late, we're all supposed to be accomodating, but if me / the kids are running late, he'll be pacing up and down outside the house (even if we are in no rush at all)

To be fair, though, I call him 'daddy' when refering to our dog, which drives him up the wall!!!

Youcannotbeserious - sorry think you've got the wrong DH there, that's mine pacing up and down (and not helping) and that's ME running round picking up after everyone when he's in a rush.

It's like when I twisted my ankle a couple of weeks ago.

When he realised he would have to do everything, he started saying we needed to put the kids at the childminder's (Easter holidays).

I went and said that if it had been the other way round I would be expected to mind the kids plus do everything.

Much muttering about how he would never get anything done now...

To be fair, he did do it all and I just lay on the sofa and read my book (and broke up a few fights!).

yep same here too

he is not a good looker as i always tell him

Haven'tsleptforayear - they certainly do sound similar!!!

When we were looking at childcare, our three objectives were:

1. help for me with the baby
2. help to make sure the house was spotless on Fridays (when he comes home)
3. help with driving on Fridays (if I'm not able)

The cost of the nanny was quite high, so DH decided that a cleaner (just on Fridays) and a taxi would see us through........... Well, I suppose two of of three isn't bad, but guess who gets no help at all?????????????

Men!

I've teased him mercilessly into submission - he can now laugh at his own pettiness

I need some tips from you then Anna.

Oh crikey.

I just laugh at him (gently) and respond in kind to his silliness until he realises he's being an arse and stops.

When I first met him he used to sulk when he didn't get his own way . That was the first babyish behaviour I laughed at him about.

We are years down the line now and I have teased him out of nearly everything .

Don't let babyish behaviour wind you up - keep your cool at all times and let him make a funny spectacle of himself... he'll hate you finding him sweetly ridiculous and stop.

Theres a book called don't sweat the samll stuff.........fathers day is coming up.......?

I was once a live-in nurse. The other nurses used to say 'ooh, the telly's too loud', or 'Oh, I don't want to watch this'. Then they'd all sit and snigger, and I knew they were laughing at me but I didn't know why.

So they told me - every time they complained, I jumped up and put right whatever they were complaining about. I was conditioned by my dad to sort out things he complained about, damn quick, or he would lose his temper and I carried it through my life.

Now I know, other people's problems are not my problems. Let them find their own stuff, they are adults, not two year olds that can't reach the top cupboard. I don't mind helping, but I will instantly stop looking the moment somebody seems to think it's my job to locate their stuff [mrs.angry emoticon]

littlewoman - that is the reason I think everybody needs to live with other young adults (as students or when working) before getting hitched - so that the other adults can point out the glaring omissions in your upbringing and you can correct them while you are still young and agile enough to take them on board

Sounds like my dh, you have my sypathy

How do you stop it winding you up???
He keeps going on on and on
He is worse than the kids

He does`nt laugh when he realises what a muppet he is

To be fair, I nipped it in the bud - I got started on stopping the babyish behaviour right at the start.

Much harder IMO to change behaviours that are in an established couple.

Therapy?

Dh spends most of the day moaning at me, i can't stop it winding me up, i just ignore for as long as possible then i explode (like last night) and we have a huge argument which ends with him saying sorry

And then the next day he's back to normal dh and it all starts again

Lol Anna, it certainly was an eye-opener to me. I had no idea I was like that, at all. And they didn't even see it as a nice, helpful trait - they thought it was ridiculous. How embarrassing

That's horrible, Marne.

You've probably got an automatic programmed response thing going on between the two of you. He moans, it annoys you and you can't stop yourself...

Therapists can break the pattern.

littlewoman - they were right. But your father had rewarded you for fixing all his little problems by telling you you were kind and helpful...

Dh suffers from depresion and possible Aspergers syndrome, he believes things like 'leeving car keys in the wrong place' is a realy big deal. I try to understand the way he thinks but its hard as i think things like this are not worth worrying about.

Marne my dh is like that he goes on for ages and I ignore then I blow and he has the cheek to say I am aggresive

But he does`nt do it in the kitchen where the knive block is

If I laughed at my DH about this he'd go bloody mad. Also, I can't ignore him because that would wind him up even more

littlewoman your post really rings a bell with me.

My dad was very agressive and sometimes violent and we always had to jump to it when he got home. You never knew what little thing was going to wind him up.

So I, like you, have a tendancy to feel that I'm being got at if someone makes a remark.

EG - my dad's way of asking for the salt is "is there any salt on the table?" or "who's hidden the salt?" which translates as GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

So when DH makes comments I do tend to take them personally and feel I have to fix it or feel it's my fault, even when it's not.

This is interesting, maybe I do need to remind myself that some of the comments are not actually directed at me, but at life in general.

Am with you Marne and Sanctuary on the ignoring for as long as possible and then blowing.

anna8888 you must have the patience of a saint to have done all that smiling and teasing and ignoring to start off with.

Although I agree it's probably better to do it early on because you are more tolerant then and more madly in love.

LOL being madly in love probably helped...

Am a very patient person when I choose to be

I am SO not Anna8888 (as my mother has pointed out).

I spent my childhood putting up with this kind of behaviour, can't believe I've married into it [doh!]

Although I see that there are plenty of other DHs out there who are the same, so maybe it's not just me picking a father figure.

My partner married his mother (woman with all the same major personality traits) first time round . Often happens.

Oh, they're twats sometimes aren't they (bless)

DP is like this, really sweats the small stuff. If he drops a cup and cracks it, or something, he gets really pissed off. Loses things and gets all huffy puffy. Likes to have tea made a certain way etc. Fusspot about things which do not matter.

A good flipside of this is that big issues which would give me a breakdown do not bother him in the slightest. Last year, he had a car crash, another of his cars was totalled by an idiot speeding into it at night, and our house, two other vehicles and every bit of his work equipment was destroyed in the Gloucestershire floods. He basically was very philosophical and upbeat about it all (I cried and cried and thought the world had come to an end)

But bloody hell if we run out of salt or I leave a light on overnight it's a farking disaster!!

That wasn't v. clear - I mean maybe a lot of men are the same so I would have ended up with one whatever.

Clear as mud....

Oh yes getorfmoiland My Dh is great in a "real" crisis too.

But lost key down the side of a car seat, it's the end of the world.

My DH expects everything to be done perfectly by others but is completely disorganised himself.It use to really bother me but now i just ignore him and refuse to get stressed.If he wants perfection he does it himself!

Anna, you're a sweetie and I wish it was true, but my dad was as horrible as Haven'tslept's dad was. That's why I jumped to it

Anna is right though, when someone points it out to you it is so liberating. I didn't even notice how stressed out I used to get when someone wanted or needed something, I would just jump up and rush about.
Now, I can sit there and think 'it's not my problem'. I will almost always get up and help, but the anxiety, and the fear that I may not find it isn't there anymore - because ITS NOT MY PROB. That is so fantastic to know.

the only consolation is that men like this are often great in a real crisis (if someone dropped a nuclear bomb my dh would be completely unflappable: if he cant find the carkeys, its THE END OF THE WORLD).
the only thing i have found helps is spending two minutes before i go to bed collecting up the various things he always scatters around the house and then loses (luckily men like this are incredibly predictable - for him it is carkeys, wallet, blackberry, lighter, dog's lead for morning walk) and putting them in a pile on the hall shelf. then in the morning rush when he starts shouting WHERES MY... at least i know.
one day, he will look on the hall shelf before shouting WHERES MY...
but by then i shall be a very, very old woman
one day, long after that, he may even collect up all these things himself and put them somewhere he can find them
but by then, sadly, i shall be dead

So my new strategy was to say "if you don't like how I'm doing it, do it yourself".

Tried it out Sunday after lunch, I was washing up, he made a comment about me letting the hot water run too much.

I turned off the tap and said if you don't like how I do it, I won't do it. Calmly.

All back-fired on me, he sulked off upstairs to have a nap leaving me with the kids, then p*d off to the garden for 2 hours.

Think he finally realised he'd pushed it a bit and came in a did bed, bath, cooked tea.

But we haven't really spoken since

Why does it always have to blow up like this?