Thanks for checking lilyloo. I have been, on balance, fine (with a few not insignificant wobbles) ...But we are doing OK and better than I would have thought possible under the circumstances. Telling his sis really helped me.
I can't imagine how this would have been without mnet. I know it is not all finished yet, I am still having moments when it feels totally raw but I do feel like it will be OK. I just feel that having been able to vent here and access such good advice and empathy has been a Godsend. Thank you all
TTIL - it's good that your dh's sis knows and can support you both. You will need it. It sounds as if your dh is doing his best to try to win back your trust, but obviously that will be a slow process. How are your dc's? Do you think they have picked up on any tension etc.? My ds was unsettled for a while and kept asking for a "group hug" - he is 3 That's despite me trying to keep it together and not rant at dh. Kids are not stupid are they.
You seem very wise. It is useful at a time like this. Amnesia is at the top of my wish list though. Yep, I think that would do nicely right now. Either that or time travel.
Interesting about the 'D'H's feeling shit when they hear the OW name... I felt sick for a long time anytime I heard her name. Even to the point that I would dislike anyone with the same name, just because they have it! Ridiculous I know and utterly irrational!
There is a woman from my Dh's past now, who for some reason, I can't get past. not even his eW who destroyed him so badly and who i'm still feeling the fall out from.
I don't have any issues when I hear her name, or anyone with it, maybe because I know how much he despises her but the woman who he had a brief relationship with,before me, still contacts him from time to time, and i feel sick about it. I can't even say her name! my Aunt has the same name and I now refer to her as just 'Aunty' !! How irrational is that? He didn't even cheat on me with her, it was before I knew him! I trust him implicitly, well, as much as you can ever trust any man again, after someone you loved betrayed you.
Sounds awful to say that, but thats the reality of the damage my exH did to me. I do trust my Dh. Just somewhere inside, I can't ever fully trust anyone. You know, when the 1 person you loved and trusted in all the world ( at the time ) does it to you, its kind of difficult? Although I now, of course love and trust my DH more than anything in the world, Id actually go as far as to say, i trust him i a way I didn't ever trust my exH. At the time I didn't realise I felt like that, but looking back, I did.
OK, so another stream of consciousness, only its from me, and its not my thread! Can't tell you how cathartic it is to talk about all this though. I've never talked about it much at all really. It's helped me. SO if thats a tiny weeny positive that can be seen from this shit thing, then thank you? IFSWIM? probably not! Sorry
ttil...i have read all your posts and skimmed over alot of the most probably brilliant advice and reaassurab=nce that others have thoughtfully posted(sorry)...i think you have a great attitude and skyatnight pipped me at the post with her summary.
you're right not to let pride get in the way...all relationships skid about at times..there is no shame to this atall...personally i dont think you are naive...keeep posting...what you said about 'needing to talk and him wanting not to was brlliant!...at th emoment he doesnt deserve you...you are behaving impeccably...dont doubt yourself...(easy advice to give!)
i wont advise you to rage and spit and swear..it's not for everyone...however if you would like me to on your behalf so you can tick it off your to do list ..?
TTIL good to hear your still sounding strong and his sis are supporting you. I agree with the shame thing and still find it hard to talk to others in rl who know about it. I hope in time you feel able to share your mumsnet name though. As for the ow i can believe he could cut contact if he really means it to work with you. My dp did and as far as i know has never spoken to her since and said that even hearing her name makes him feel ashamed , humiliated and guilty. I have pointed out that that is nothing compared to how i feel though! Hope tings keep moving forward and keep posting , venting here as 'it is your thread'
TTIL He may want to cut all contact - he probably hates to think what she could have meant to his true love (you and family). I know i find it hard when my dh says he cant even stand to even hear her name, (they still work in the same firm). He says its because she could never be a friend if she had any part in destroying his family - everytime he sees her he says it makes him feel so stupid for risking it all for his own bit of fun.
You are right about the phone - he could get another - dont worry about snopping around at first (even though it is not the person you want to be) it will get less - but allow yourself to go through this part too.
It does sound as if he is doing all he can - being as open as he can.
Take it slowly and dont deney your own feelings they will be all over the place for a while. Look after yourself and dont worry that he is feeling bad - dont go out of your way to ease that. Time will heal.
Trust that Instinct - I can really empathise with you - My DH has been emotionally unfaithful during a particulary difficult time in our lives (prem 1st baby, traumatic birth etc)
I am trying to work through things (only found out true extent this weekend so still really raw) and try and give our marriage another chance but I'm soo hurt and I am worried I am being naieve and that that more has happened. I just cant see how we will ever get any trust back and how I can truely believe him when he has lied so much
The OW in my case is also needy and has major issues.
Hope your situation continues to improve and you can get through this x
"It just sounds as though there is basically nothing wrong with the OPs marriage and it was more a case of testosterone meeting opportunity along with a fatalistic feeling of unfinished business."
I feel this pretty much sums up what has gone on, which is why I feel confident enough to at least try again... However, I am still dubious about a clean break long-term (in contact, not talking about ongoing sexual relations). I just feel like 'knowing' her, I feel eventually she will try to instigate contact. I suppose I just have to state to him that if he does, I fully expect him to tell me and if he doesn't and I find out (pretty sure I will just know anyway!) then all bets will be off - permanently.
Exactly Ladylush - I thought hard about who I wanted him to tell (have no intention of telling 'everyone') and like you, came to the conclusion that telling his mum would be cruel (to her more than anything!). But tbh since talking to one of his sisters about it yesterday, I already feel loads better about it and for the first time, able to see a way past it somehow, perhaps. I know that may sound weird but just making it more 'real' to someone closer to him than to me (although she and I do get on very well) has really lessened the burden I have been carrying around all week. Maybe that is selfish. I'm not trying to punish him, he's doing a good enough job of that for himself.
I told him this morning that I nearly checked his phone - but then I stopped myself. I told him I do not want to become 'that person'. He said I can check it whenever I want, and that he is still prepared to bin that sim card or give it to me. I don't want him to do that (also I am fully aware that in practical terms if he were to want to continue to be unfaithful, it would mean zilch anyway - there are other sim cards out there...!) But I refuse to become a snoop, even though he is desperate to show me he is being transparent and upfront with his phone etc.
He did speak to her whilst he was away, apparently she was very shocked to find out that I had been sending the texts, not him...! And has agreed it's best to cut contact. Reading between the lines I'd say that she is petrified of her marriage being compromised. But we will see. He is adamant that he will have no further contact with her, ever. I said that although that is what I want, it doesn't feel realistic to me, somehow. That upsets him. I don't mean that I am expecting him to be unfaithful again (if I was I certainly wouldn't be trying to sort through all of this) but I just mean... They have so much history, they predate our marriage and kids, and now this... I just don't see how it can just be severed like that. He keeps saying that I am not understanding a crucial point - namely that he isn't bothered by her, sees her as an attention-seeking cheater etc. I can see this to a point but also feel that in time, he will miss her. He must, right...?
I don't know. I know she is very beautiful (think exotic beauty) but clearly not very well-adjusted and a more than a little needy and insecure (serial cheater, anyone...?) but beyond the physical attractiveness she must also have a certain charm? Sorry this has become a stream of consciousness that I am sure I will regret posting, but hey. This is my thread
Oh and fwiw, I think you were spot on for telling him to tell his sisters. I did the same with dh (not cruel enough to make him tell his mum) - his sis also puts him on a pedestal. I think he is now off it and I have somehow been relegated to sainthood Not quite what my aim was.....though no doubt there will be benefits
TTIL it's good that you and dh are talking. Glad you are setting the boundaries/pace. Also glad he is making an effort to show you that he is sorry/keen to make things work. I just wanted to say not to be surprised if you experience setbacks in your progress (for want of a better word). When I found out, I had 3 major milestones to get over. The first was finding out all the details - everything. The second was going through his phone bills online (he gave me his password for this purpose) which I had to wait to do as we had no pc for a while. The third was going with him to the STD clinic so that I could hear with my own ears what his results were. Achieving each of these has resulted in a huge setback - very painful yet, I am certain, absolutely necessary. The last one we did yesterday - but negative for all tests thankfully.
I think too many women feel the shame and so do not tell anyone - and i do think this is a problem. I think there needs to be open and honest disscussion about all the details at a pace that is right for you, he must no longer have control over the situation - i think this is the worst part for the men as they have been in full control of the situation.
I went through something similar 5 years ago. My dh flatly refused to talk about the whole episode and that has been a real obstacle to my being able to move forward. I'm so glad your dh understands that he has to talk about it. I also didn't tell anyone which I regret as I think that he would have had to face up more to the effect it had on me.
I am glad you are able to start talking things through with im, and on your terms not his. I hope that you are ble to move on and you can make a go of things again. So sorry you have had to evn deal with this at all though.
TTIL glad he is willing to do anyhting to make ammends that's a start. When all the talking is done he will have a lot of bridges to repair and the fallout of this lasts a lot longer than they dare to think. I know they hope it's a few weeks of stress and then you have moved on. He needs to know this is a lifelong change to your relationship and he needs to know that even if you are movingon this will take a lifetime of repair work. I am now at a stage where i still think of what happened every now and then and don't feel able to talk about it as i have agreed to move on and wish i had stressed this more when we first talekd it through. You have done remarkably well and i am pleased that you are giving it another go. Especially when dc's are involved it is much harder to walk away. Keep us posted and take care.
That sounds good - i am glad he is understanding what you are saying - you sound so much stonger than i did when i first out. well done.
It is slow and you do not have to make any decisions quickly - take your time and expect it to be hard for both of you.
You can come out of this stonger and actually happier - and i never thought that was possible - try and find one possitive to take from this if you can.
I really appreciate the advice I have had on this thread; in fact I think it has helped my situation a lot. So thank you all so much.
He came back yesterday, we are taking things slow. He couldn’t be more apologetic or desperate to make amends. It’s gratifying even if it’s not helping how I feel much yet. It’s funny though, because when we were talking about it last night, I said basically what I have learned from HappyWoman, Iris and all of you – i.e. that I will need to talk about it as much as he will want to not talk about it and just forget about it, because he is feeling guilty, but that he must understand that I have to talk about it to move on, and that’s only right. He was stunned and said ‘that is completely it, totally how I feel, you have hit the nail on the head – but if you need to talk about it to work through it then that’s what we will do’. And we have been. I have also told him he must tell his two sisters, to put it ‘out there’ and make it ‘real’. He understands this now. They really put him on a pedestal, so I know how hard that will be for him. I don’t care. It feels necessary.
He did show pictures of my kids to her. Again, I just knew. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!
But my instinct now is that we will eventually get through this. I hope.
GOsh, is that a week already! I do hope you can cope with seeing him so soon. Just take it really easy, slow and, certainly at this stage, if you have questions to ask, do it now if you want answers. If you leave it, it'll be somehtig that continuously comes up, and you will never e able to start to heal and move forward, in what ever you decide to do.
Really hope you are ok. Take care, and remember to look after you first and foremost..
TTIL how are you today ? Been thinking of you i know your due to see him today so am sending you the strength to deal with this and make the choices that are right for you and the dc's ((hugs))
I don't like my post sounding like a version of 'boys will be boys'. Affairs are damaging to all involved, and it is usually the betrayed spouse and the other person (woman or man) who are most badly hurt. The most responsibility does lie with the one(s) in the middle. Many betrayed spouses would rather try to forgive and absorb the hurt themselves than make the decision to split up the family (damage limitation). And that is one of the bad things about it: The affair is not your fault or responsibility but it ends up being your choice whether you want to try and fix things or not. This may feel correct at first but it ends up being an ignominious position. But the alternative is worse - having no choice because they don't care.
gmoh - I agree that not all men will give up the other woman easily and it is true that the guilty party(ies) will try to tell the innocent what they want to hear. It just sounds as though there is basically nothing wrong with the OPs marriage and it was more a case of testosterone meeting opportunity along with a fatalistic feeling of unfinished business.
Trust and respect have been lost. They will not easily be regained and, without them, a relationship is very weak. But to err is human and things could be resolved over time (including a punishment schedule...)
The OP knows all this anyway but it is not possible to overestimate the devastating impact of the betrayal, the ripples of which will continue to spread outwards for years. It sounds as if this is what makes the OP most angry, the stupidity and selfishness of her husband.
I read a txt on my DP phone that said "don't forget to txt when shes in bed" I got all his clothes and chucked him out!! He tried to deny that he knew who it was but she put on the end of it S1B (send 1 back) and thats my DP way of wanting a reply. I also rang the bitch who hung up on me as soon as I spoke but I got through in the end and I went AWOL.
I know it doesn't help a lot but it is so common for men to do this and it is so often a symptom of mini mid-life crisis. Things are so settled and nice, I know, let's fuck it up. 'Why did you do it?' 'Because I could'. You know that he did it for an ego trip and because he wanted to resolve feelings from long ago and because (in his naivety) he never thought you would find out. He never thought it would threaten your relationship which is the one he values.
Now that you know, he will find it quite easy not to see her again. He probably didn't want to anyway and now, if she pesters him, he can tell her that you know and that he wants no further contact with her - that will most likely scare her off - the excuse he needed to end it. He may have been afraid before to end it in case she threatened him with telling you. Although the fact that she is married is probably a lot of the reason he had the affair - he thought he was safe from her because she had something to lose too (if he told her husband). People get into affairs too easily and then find it is much harder to extricate themselves.
But I know it doesn't help much because the damage is done. He is still a shithead for doing it even if he thought it would never hurt you. He's not who you thought he was. I am not making light of this. I know how much it hurts. But nobody's perfect and it is possible to build a different, possibly better but hopefully at least as good, relationship over time as the hurt heals. You sound as though you have good self esteem so you are able to mend this if you want to. Best wishes.
I think what helps most is to know that these things do take a very long time to get over - our cousellor says between 2 and 5 years is normal . We both realise that it is just going to go away and so dont force it away as much now. If it comes up then we will talk about it and we find that the conversation soon turns to something else.
Ladylush - I think That is common too, I did not have too much of that but i did at the beginning of this year (about a year later). Not sure what triggered it but did go to counselling to help it. I think for a long time i was just doing 'sex' and not 'making love', and it think that is why it came up then.
Yes I do think there is still some anger there too, but not sure if it will ever really go. I try not to over think it - as i am sure if we had not argued about that it would have been about something else anyway.
At least it makes me realise my DH really is wonderful - sorry thats even making me want to vomit .
For me, the worst time is after <ahem> let's say intimate times. I feel so vulnerable and it's then that I feel so acutely what he has done. Sometimes I think about him with her as well and that makes me feel sick. I really hope this will fade in time because the imagery is so strong still, but then I suppose 3 months is not that long a time span.
Yes I think it has brought back some memories, but this is something that is going to happen isnt it?
At least I am off aclohol for a bit now, which will do me some good.
I was having a really good day too - but just couldnt seem to stop drinking . This has happened before so i should have learnt by now too. I do not usually get so cross though.
HW, maybe sometimes the anger gets buried and then comes out at an unexpected time?? Maybe this thread has made you go over some of the details and brought back the anger.
Definitely not wise - had far too much wine and sunshine yesterday and then had a huge row with DH . Alcohol and arguments not a good combination at all. Stupid stupid stupid.
So feeling really sorry for myself today as well as nursing a hangover. Said some awful things to DH too, he has already gone to work and is not coming home tonight either so cant even make it up to him until tomorrow.
Just re-read the last message I posted - it was early in the morning but I did preview it and re-read it and checked it again but, I agree, it's gobbledegook and I am surprised you people understood what I meant, but you did.
Hope you are ok TTIL and all you other ladies with your wonderful advice.
Its a club you may not want to join but i am so glad i have met some really fantastic friends out of my awfulness.
We had a meet up a couple of months ago and this is something i never ever thought i would have done before this.
I totally agree about the h telling people - to make it real. But so often they just dont want to and want to bury their heads in the sand and pretend it never happened.
I think too that it is a kind of 'childishness' and too often we woman try to take control of the situation and mother our h - i know i certainly did.
Anyway hope you are getting some time to sort out what you want and looking after yourself. Thankyou to all you lovely ladies who have said such lovely things about me - it really is great to know that i can now in some way help others - as i got some fantastic help when i needed it most.
Iris 100 i completely agree about him telling someone. I wonder if more men wer open and told family / friends then less affairs would happen ? You are so right in that they need someone there to burst their bubble, often they live out this fantasy life 'where no one get's hurt ' and i do think they honestly believe that ? TTIL glad you are staying strong you should be very proud of yourself. Nit contacting her is fine and ou may feel differently after Monday but that is fine too. My heart really goes out to you, you have sadly ressurected an experience i have been through too but we have managed to work things out and dc3 was born this year. It's a tough road and i am nearly two years down the line. I wish i had had the help of mnet at the time as i felt the shame that's all too often surrounded in this. It would have been good to have this support. I now share a thread with Baffy and Happywoman and find it helps to talk on there. Part of a club no one wants to join
I had loads of support here too when it happened - from Happywoman, Maturer, Stirlingwife who was going through it at the same time. Maturer and Happywoamn are both an inspriration to me - they have got through it on their own terms with dignity intact and a stronger relationship.I found it so helpful to talk to people who'd been through it too - also to realise that the situation I was in and the set of circumstances was so common, almost mudane - often SW and I noticed our DHs were saying almost the same thing to us! We often joked about 'the script' they all used.
I posted a month or so ago about how to get over an affair - if you search under my name that's got useful stuff too.
I had amazing support on here too from Baffy and Happywoman (and many others who had not been in the same situation but were still kind enough to post - and to care)so yes I agree - mnet is fantastic for support. It's like a rolling dialogue.
What earlybird said about needing to know everything so that it didn't come out later and hurt her is another reason why I'm glad I found out - though as happywoman said, some stuff may get "forgotten".
I have seen my h ill over this. He has had a big shock himself. Does that sound strange? He is dealing with the reality now. Once you are over the initial massive shock (though the general shock will not go for ages probably)you will be able to watch how this all affects your h. I suspect the way in which he deals with it will in part affect your decision whether or not to stay with him. For e.g. will he want to sweep it under the carpet or will he really feel what he has done and have genuine regrets for what he has done to your relationship - and more importantly, have the resolve to do something about that.
Really, really feel for you TTIL <hugs> don't do hugs usually
I have just spent an hour re-reading this whole thread now I feel a little bit more 'on the planet'. Suspiciousandsad and beentherefeltthat, I feel so sad for you both reading your posts and I hope things get better for you... tigermoth your story is hopeful, thank you for posting it.
ladylush - your point about getting him to put it out there in the real world to make it real is an excellent one and one I hadn't even considered. Will really be thinking about that.
Baffy - I wanted to thank you for your post too.
In fact thank you all, again. I am overwhelmed to have such support from you all, without you even knowing 'who' I am. It has meant a lot over the past few shitty days, more than I thought it could. Women are wonderful (well, loyal wives and mothers at least... ) I can't even begin to imagine the turmoil that I would have inside without having had mn - what did women do before the WWW
I think part of why I'd need to know all details would be so there would be no more 'secrets'- everything would be out in the open. Nothing 'new' could accidentally come out that would hurt me after I'd moved on.
I'm with you guys. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage too, especially me. When I found out about H's affair approx 12 months ago my whole world collapsed. Ds was just 1.
I wanted to know every detail. Needed to know. But with hindsight all I have done is torture myself with that detail. IMHO, u;timately, it's enough to know they have been unfaithful. You will probably need to ask the questions at some point though. Get the answers you want. Process it all. But it's so destructive to dwell on that. If at all possible, focus on what he is doing/saying now. How the future will be. How he will put this right. And what an amazing wife you are to be dealing with this so well.
FWIW I don't regret meeting/confronting the OW. I needed to have my say and show her that I wasn't the boring/frumpy/nutty/nagging wife (or whatever he'd portrayed me as!). I was so calm and collected. And even though I knew she didn't care, I wanted her to hear me say how she would never be forgiven for playing a part in ruining the whole future of an innocent woman and child. I also felt better seeing what a mess she was and how she really wasn't worthy of my time or energy. (Although I must admit to anger at realising what a slapper he had risked his whole marriage for!)
In your case it's similar I think. He's been living out the past. Unfinished business. He's not in the real world. He has no respect for her. (That's why it's so easy for him to have an affair then toss her aside the minute he's found out.) This woman will be so far removed from the woman he actually wants to be with. Who would chose someone with such low morals and little respect for others to actually settle down with!
There is no excuse. But there are reasons why he did this. Take however long you need to decide if those reasons can be put down to horrendous judgement and the biggest mistake of his life. It's entirely up to you if you can forgive. But you can get through it if that's what you decide you want. Take as long as you need.
I found that the reality was much worse than the fantasy in some ways but I still needed to know all the details. Iris's tip re. getting your h to talk to people about it (to burst the bubble) is also crucial. I also encouraged this. Infact at the time I didn't care whether he did it or not as I didn't want him, but I did point out that until he started talking to people about it, that it wouldn't be real - therefore could happen again. He found it hard but very useful.
I have found I need to know all the details. I have found that if I don't know I start to conjecture and actually what I came up with was much worse that what had happened.
It has taken DH until this week to really tell me everything and I feel a lot better as a result.
ttil you are in shock. I think that's why you're feeling detached. And part of it is self protection. And also he is not there for you to rave at and scream at.
Your approach of not wanting to know too much might be best. After all, the central fact is he's betrayed you and the children. Do you really need to know more?
I, on the other hand, always want to know excrutiating details, but perhaps then tend to use them to torture myself rather than achieve 'closure' (sorry for the cringe-y word). But still think I'd want to know if your sleuthing discovered a brief fling, or if it had gone on for awhile. A one time thing, or a double life?
I've never been in your shoes, but think it would be easier to forgive a brief sexual encounter than a longer term emotional affair with repeat sexual activity.
I'm so sorry, btw. It really is a devastating thing to have happened.
Ive read this from when you first posted and really feel for you although I had nothing more to add, having never been in your position-but I kind of get this "there but for the grace of god go I" type feeling, I am so sure my dh would never cheat-but then people dont generally think their husband will do they or why marry them? I am so gutted on your behalf, its another example of this life chosen by so many people with great hopes and dreams, shattered. I think im just rambling, but your story has really touched me and wanted you to know that I care on your behalf for what is happening to you. Good luck with everything you decide to do.
You are right, Earlybird, and in another situation (with just a 'random' woman to shag) I wouldn't even think of it, but because of the history... And the fact he is so so proud of his beautiful dc... I don't know.
BTW he is still away. I haven't called him, and I don't even want to - don't know if that is good or bad. He called last night to speak to the DC, I was civil, and he said "please, you can call me any time, or msn me" and I just said, "Thanks, but I won't".
So in that sense I do feel strong. When he was still here I felt weaker, like I just wanted to hug him and have him tell me it would all be ok. So I'm glad he's not here to 'comfort' me.
I seriously doubt he would have showed her photos of the dc. After all, then he'd have to focus on whose world he was potentially shattering by his selfish, indulgent, betraying behaviour.
Thanks everyone. Iris, I really felt a resonance reading your post, if that doesn't sound too way-out. I certainly shook uncontrollably - when writing the OP of this thread I kept making mistakes where my arms were trembling. How crazy! Haven't eaten much either since Tuesday night. Just have no appetite.
Shitemum, I had a look at those stages and it is spot-on. I definitley think they apply in this type of situation.
I don't want DH to call her with me there. I honestly don't care what he says to her. I also can't quite shake this feeling (which seems unreasonable or out of place) that I don't care if he sees her again, or even has sex with her again. I don't know if that is because a) my gut tells me he won't, or b) because my heart's already broken. The damage is done iyswim? I really do feel like that, right or wrong. But that's not to say I don't want it to work (I think)? I'm confused. But I feel strong. I get the whole 'empowerment' thing, I am hoping that is the feeling that is creeping up on me. Along with the disbelief and the occasional stab of real hurt.
I don't want to contact her. I feel sick at the thought that she may have seen pictures of my kids, etc, possibly because she was with him before and it's almost like "this is what I did with my life in the interval between us being together" and showing off my beautiful jewels of DC to her, like a prize. That's probably insane rambling again, but it's just how I feel. I don't of course have any idea whether he would have done that or not, but the thought upsets me.
TTIL I know exactly how you are feeling now.I am so sorry. I remember my body trembling uncontrollable, I had a week where I literally couldn't eat - I had a lump in my throat and couldn't swallow.
I found out about my DH's affair in January. It had been going on for a couple of weeks - typical mid life crisis thing. We are still together and are working things through. It's been hard - the worst time in my life. But I am glad we are still together.
I chose not to throw my dh out - I told him he could stay if he cut all contact with the OW. He agreed but in fact he found it hard to do - I would say that it's only the last month that we have really turned a corner and the trust is coming back.
My view is that lots of good people have affairs when they are in a bad place and make the wrong choices. We had 18 years together and kids and we were always seen by everyone else as the perfect couple with a strong realtionship - but we had had a bad year and grown apart. DH's behaviour brought us to rock bottom and made us both think about whether we loved each other and wanted to carry on. The additional thing the affair brought was a realisation that I could do things alone if I had to - that was very empowering for me. I am choosing to be here at the moment (and I am still working through the aftermath - who knows how I will feel in six months time).
My advice to you is - take your time. Let him come back, talk, let him explain why he has done it. Sit with it a while. Don't do anything hasty. Look after yourself. Talk - to friends, a counsellor, whatever helps. the other thing I found helpful was to encourage DH to find people to talk to too - I think sometimes men in these situations need a reality check not just from their partners but from friends too - the whole thing about an affair is you are in a fantasy world, it's not real life. The more people bursting that bubble the better.
On telling the OW's partner - I won't. I don't want to lower myself to that level and there are children involved too. But that's also a card I have up my sleeve. I could tell him, she knows that. She still has a lot to lose - I don't. I like the thought of her sweating about whether I might or not.
Cos it made me so angry to think that they were fucking in the park or wherever they were and he was coming home with their dirt and that I (most of the time I do the laundry) was washing his clothing.
Yes I know what you mean susie. I felt like packing my dh's dirty boxers and socks into a bag and emptying them onto her desk. That was one of the milder fantasies I had.
Meant to also ask you how you are today? you've really been on my mind. which sounds odd doesn't it! I suppose as I really know how you are feeling. I just thank god I didn't have children when it happened to me. that must make it SO SO hard. I know how torn i'd feel if god forbid this should happen again to me now, with our Dd.
Really thinking of you. HOpe you know you have all our support here. If you want anyone to pop round to her and just show her a few pictures of your Dc, show her what she's done to them, potentially. Show her the reality of doing this with a married man with a family. She deserves to feel some of the pain you know. I know her H doesn't but she bloody does. She knew about you, and your Dc. She therefore is as culpable as he is...
Sorry, probably really unhelpful, just I feel so angry at any woman who can knowingly pursue someone else's husband. before anyone says anything, I know, they don't have to let themselves be pursued, but i hope yo get my point...
Just wanted to comment about the Should you tell OW H or not... well, over 30 years ago,my dad had an affair with someone he worked with ( both musicians ). Mum had no idea, however had found evidence of other affairs in the past, and made a firm decision to never ever look again - not that she had actually, it was a postcard in a music case- anyway, she decided that as she had 2 children at the time she coudln't cope or deal with the outcome of learning that knowledge IYSWIM? She also didn't ever want to feel that feeling - yep, that awful one we have both felt, and others on the thread when you actually do find out...
Anyway, a year or so later, mum had just given birth to me, almost literally - a week or 2 later. Dad told her he had been having an affair with the principle violinist he worked with. He also told her, he had only told her because the OW's husband had found out, and told him if Dad didn't tell mum, then he would. So, it was all out in the open, and all people involved had the opportunity to at least, know what position they were in, to move on with life honestly etc...
Mum let him stay, he did it again when I was 3. Had an affair with an Amercian flute player he ended up marrying after mum and dad divorced. I've never respected my dad for what he did to my mum, the most wonderful, kind generous loyal loving woman any man could wish to have as his wife an mother to his children.
I can honestly say, if my exh OW had had a H or partner, I would have definitely found a way to tell him.( exH would never tell me if she did or not.) Truly not to cause someone else pain, but to let him know what his life really was about, I felt it only fair that all involved knew. Also, for her to have to deal with the reality of what she was doing. Why should I be feeling the pain, my exH also felt alot of pain, she basically was getting off pretty much scott free. Oh, except that after I made him go, he 'went back' to her. They have 2 DC's now and are happy. I'm genuinely happy for them. I'm glad it worked out, at least it was worth what it did to us IYSWIM.
Ok, now lotstodo's post makes a lot more sense to me, and I agree. I was confused by it [shame]
The thing is with an affair is that you no longer feel you can trust anything the straying partner says, as somebody posted above. So even if he did call whilst TTIL was in the room, he could have prepared OW for it earlier, as LTD says, or he could have gone straight out of the room and called again saying he didn't mean it.
I'm absolutely not saying that that is what he did, it's just so hard to trust them not to do it. It really screws you up, not knowing what is true and what you can believe.
I hope you're coping okay, TTIL. I really feel for you.
How sad that there are so many of us Another thing - dh did not want to speak to this woman again apart from about work related stuff. However, I actually asked him to talk to her. 2 weeks had gone by and they had not spoken about it. I felt that until they did, there would not be closure. She might think there was still a chance of it continuing and it would be another way of him compartmentalising his life and pretending nothing had happened. If you fuck up, you need to take responsibility for your fuck ups. I saw him meeting her as a way of taking responsibility - strange as that may sound. How are you TTIL? FWIW, I think him calling her while you are in the room is not going to give you the reassurance you need. With you listening, he may say what he thinks you want to hear rather than what he wants to say.
I have been there myself - my partner met up with his ex-wife and childhood sweetheart about finalising his divorce so he could marry me - his parents gave him her address and urged him to meet up with her.
That meeting led to them getting back together (same thing as you, she had orginally betrayed him, he had fallen to pieces at the time).
I was devestated. Swore he was out of my life. To cut a long story short he begged for another chance. I was angry and it took a good year or two to work that out of my system, but I took the risk and let him back into my life some months after he betrayed me.
This all happenend 23 years ago.
We have been together ever since, I have never had cause to doubt him again, and we are very happily married.
All my friends at the time advised me against giving him a second chance. They wanted to protect me. Luckily I didn't listen to them. And then when I got back with dh, I lost a few good friends who felt I was being stupid.
My marriage hasn't always been easy but I am so glad my dh is with me - he is a lovely, loyal man and a fabulous father to our sons. All that I could have never had if I had not risked going back to him.
I can't tell you what's right or wrong for you, but please never feel you 'should' do this or that and remember that your friends can be very wrong.
The problem with TTILs H constacting OW with TTIL in the room is that during the time of TTIL discovering about OW then H may have been in touch with OW, to inform her that this may happen. So, while he is on phone to OW amd letting her by no means know that it is over and that H loves TTIL by role play and by doing tha also having the last laugh. If he hadn't got caught would his relationship with OW still be on track?
I agree, go with your instincts. You're doing really well. I kind of think lilyloo's suggestion that he calls her to tell her its off and he loves you with you in the room is a good one, but perhaps i'm the kind of person who needs gestures... He needs to show you he means business. Good luck.
Glad you told a close friend. Her support will help loads. As for contacting the OW - all I can say is that I did. I phoned her and emailed her. She ignored my call, til I phoned her from dh's phone. She had the cheek to say she had "moved on" even though they had been at it less than a week earlier. I didn't swear nor did I insult her. I calmly demanded information from her (how many times, did he tell her he loved her etc., did she know I was pregnant)then I ended the call. I suppose I did kind of insult her in my email when I asked if it had been an ego boost sleeping with my dh as I recalled her being rather plain! Go with your instincts - they haven't let you down yet. You sound as if you are making measured decisions despite all the chaos. It is still early days - give yourself time. You are not going mad, even though you may feel like you are!
TTIL so glad you have found a friend to confide in that will help massively. Also that you trust her not to judge if you do make a go of it. It sounds like you want to try again so i hope he is prepared to do whatever it takes. You need to get yourself prepared for Monday now and let him know just how much damage he has caused and how much work it is going to take to put it right. I can understand your need to contact her , i really can. If you need tokeep it dignified as you have. Maybe a quick curt te to tell her you know and expect her to keep her distance may be enough to ward her off as sadly dh may still not be telling the entire truth. Or you may find it better if he phones her whilst you are there to tell her you know and it's over. Tough decisions but you are doing well.
TTIL - Really sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure why but it occured to me that when something like this happens you go through 5 stages of grief much in the same way that someone might do when faced with any other devastating news.
I hope you can work it out and that he NEVER does it again.
I find myself agreeing with Winebeforepearls. Staying silent is probably the best thing. OW is probably expecting you to contact her, keep her waiting. INfact there is no need at all to contact her unless it will bring you some kind of closure, but really I would think getting closure with your Husband should come first. Do it when you know what is happening with him.
You probably want her to know that you know - you just want to announce to her that you're not stupid, and she's not so clever either because she couldn't conceal it better.
At the same time, there is nothing at all she can say or do that will help, I would think, and she could turn into a real nightmare which would cause you more trouble - and compromise your dignity perhaps.
I phoned my xh's girlfriend - she turned the radio up and put her phone next to it. I was so blooming angry I wanted to find her and kill her! So think about how it will benefit you before you decide to do it. Don't want her getting any joy out of the phone call, whilst causing yourself more stress, do you?
I am oscillating between feeling really sad, really outraged, really feeling... and not caring, being dead, numb to it all. Acting normally in rl though.
I can't decide if speaking to her would help or just make everything 10 times worse? I don't give a damn whether he thinks I shouldnt (haven't discussed me contacting her).
i do believe that you sound so 'grounded' that you are probably right about h ...
you know him as only you can so trust yourself right now to help get yourself back on track
i too think not telling all and sundry helps...contrary to what other posters may/will say - i do have friends i KNOW have kept schtum for me in the past so 'yes' tell the odd one and i am sure it will go no further
he is a tw** but not so great a one that he does not see it and that can be a saving grace in such a situation
keep that ability to laugh - it will see you through this x
You have to go with your instincts sometimes and I hope you get through this but how are you feeling about ever being able to trust him again? Is that not going to be a massive strain?
LL , come over to our F and G thread don't think any man would dare 
That's despite me trying to keep it together and not rant at dh. Kids are not stupid are they.
Can't tell you how cathartic it is to talk about all this though. I've never talked about it much at all really. It's helped me. SO if thats a tiny weeny positive that can be seen from this shit thing, then thank you? IFSWIM? probably not! Sorry 
Not quite what my aim was.....though no doubt there will be benefits 
- but negative for all tests thankfully. 
. We both realise that it is just going to go away and so dont force it away as much now. If it comes up then we will talk about it and we find that the conversation soon turns to something else. 
By 
