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: Apparently I'm too passive and quiet, and hung-up during sex- tell me how to get better
(65 messages)
My partner told me a few nights ago that he thought I was far too passive during sex, and it was a real turnoff to him. He wants me to be more demanding and more vocal, but the very idea just makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed.
He wants me to tell him what I want all the time, but I suppose I am passive through and through because I'm quite happy to do what he wants, and enjoy him making the decisions in bed (I have to make all the damn decisions all day every day- I don't want to do it in bed too)
I don't feel happy with my body (overweight/saggy) so it's hard to demand he does things to it when it's so horrible. When I try I find myself about to burst into faintly hysterical giggles, as if I was about to ask him to suck some dirty toes or something, like why would you want to do that. lol
I do like sex when I don't feel too exposed, and I think I am just vocal enough to let him know he's doing it right whilst remembering that our walls are paper thin. But he seems to think that unless I'm screeching like a banshee and keeping the whole street awake, that I'm not enjoying myself It's not like I'm silent, I just don't want my neighbours to have to listen to us doing it- the lady is mentally disabled and they have a young child in the house, fgs. The idea of them hearing me is an instant passion killer. Ditto for the bed creaking or banging the wall. But everytime I say "this is making too much noise" he sees it as me ruining the mood.
I don't know how to become this loud, confident sex kitten he seems to want. I've tried to stop covering my body up or refusing to do certain positions the last two times we've had sex, but I've found that I'm thinking about it all so much and concentrating on his enjoyment, I feel numb down there, and don't enjoy it nevermind climax.
I can't bring myself to ask for what I want because really I don't want anything in particular, I'll do whatever he wants. I've never really felt comfortable with foreplay anyway, I worry I won't come fast enough and he'll get bored or tired, and then I get so stressed I can't come at all. So these days I mostly refuse foreplay in preference for doing things to him until he's finished and then I finish myself off afterwards so there's no pressure. He often doesn't know about this as he'll be off getting a drink or asleep. I think he's wondering if I'm off sex, which isn't true at all.
I had no idea I was so shit in bed til our talk, I feel really awkward now! How can I be what he wants whilst still being me? Sorry this was so long.
Sounding like a sex therapist,I'd say you need to do some work on you alone and get more comfortable with yourself before you can be these things with your partner.
Reading your post I kind of thought 'how dare he try and make you something you're not' but something tells me you have a sex kitten in you that wants to come out - not just for him but for your sake too.
Ido think you need to develop some body confidence in order to do this and to, um 'love yourself' first.
By the way,I have zero body confidence and very low self esteem but my coping mechamism has always been - since my late teens - to 'fake it. I don't mean fake orgasms, I mean fake confidence. What I find is I do start to actually believe I am sexy and attractive and 'good in bed' and thus I become so to whoever I am with. Obviously my partners have enjoyed this and so I begin to feel confident and relax and I do actually enjoy being someone I am really probably not.
I'm the same, don't want to give/be given a running commentary, tried it once and just felt ridiculous and wanted to burst out laughing. It probably took a lot for him to say something though, so deserves some consideration. As for your neighbours, the mentally disabled one probably wouldn't be bothered and how young is the child, would she know what was going on, just turn the telly up! The worrying thing though is the fact that you think he will get bored if he has to concentrate on your for too long and that you think you're shit in bed, not sure that's the case, it's very easy to get stuck in a rut and sounds like he's just trying to spice it up, he's probably read something in a magazine.
tbh I always thought I was alright in bed, I've always been a giver so this has kinda floored me. I thought as long as he was getting his I'd be percieved as good, or at least adequate in bed despite my appearance etc, but apparently it's not enough.
lol at you seeing my "inner sex kitten" - I was like that, once. I used to be dirty, loud, rude, even vibrant perhaps, but that was when I lived in student digs, or in hotels/my parents detached house when they were out. Now we live in a tiny terrace cheek-to-jowl with our neighbours and a baby in the next room. I was several stone lighter and much less saggy, and had the confidence that brought. I know he'd like me to be the same girl he met years ago but she's gone. I'm just a beige, saggy mother with too much on my plate now!
Hmm. Is your partner generally a Good Chap in other ways? Because an initial reading of your post made me think, 'what a knob, no wonder she doesn't feel very relaxed in bed'. FWIW there is no worse way to deal with a sexual problem than to say to your partner, 'You're crap. You need to change this, this and this.' But I suppose it is possible that he means well and is just going about it a bit clumsily. There are various things you can do, if you want to, such as writing down lists of fantasies and taking turns to try them out, reading some classy rude literature, etc etc. I will have a dig around on the bookshelf and see if I can come up with any books on boossting sexual self-esteem as well (I think THe Mirror Within by Anne Dickson is quite good but possibly dated by now).
Chunkychips, the foreplay thing is my hangup I spose- my first boyfriend didn't like doing it. He referred to me being wet as slime, and often looked at his watch when he was doing anything to me so it ended up just not being part of our sex life as I found it so stressful. My second boyfriend did it in the beginning of our relationship but I spose when he saw how hung up I was about it he said that if I wasn't bothered, he wasn't bothered, so we didn't really do it either.
I spose I've stuck to that a bit and usually told guys I preferred to give than recieve, which isn't the absolute truth but does mean I don't get so stressed about not coming quickly enough (lol, second boyfriend also told me his ex could come within a minute and if I tried harder and trained myself I could too)
I think I've come to rely on myself too much, if you see what I mean. That's pretty embarassing actually. I think my partner wants me to ask for foreplay but I just can't.
Aitch, I don't think my partner would be up for roleplaying, he thinks that kind of thing is silly. I'd be up for it, I'm up for most things as long as the light's dim.
Madamez, he's never criticised our sex life in the past, I was asking at the time if there was anything else I could do that he would like, I spose I just didn't realise he'd say that. We've shared our fantasies and are very open in most ways, I think things have just taken a nosedive recently, mostly due to my body looking bloody awful now lol- that's what babies do to you I spose.
OK,so: 1 - your ex was a twat - don't let his attitude affect your sex life now. 2 - hope your dp was suitably sensitive about communictaing his desires to you 3 - can a naturally sexually submissive person ebver feel comfortable being dominant (madamez, I think I might be asking you...) 4 - being submissive in this was boosts your confidence...because he wants to do this or that to you. Being more demanding risks rejection - not that your dp would reject you, but that is what you fear. 5 - what are you like during drunk sex? Does that inner sex kitten start to prowl once your 'defences' are down?
Idon't think wanting your partner to tel you what they want menas you watch too much porn...maybe if he is hoping that what you wnat is to dress up like a cheerleader and have pouty-moany-toomuchlipstickandmascara sex by the side of a pool, then I'd be suspicious!
tigana, you're spot on. I think I am submissive these days and to act dominant turns me off, it makes you vulnerable to demand things from someone who can say no, I can't bear putting myself out there iyswim. Fear of rejection, exactly.
I like having sex best when I'm drunk! It's not that I have to be- my partner is good in bed, and attractive, but I'm so much less stressed and worried about what I look like. I'm probably louder too, I always cringe in the morning in case the neighbours have heard.
God, no wonder you're so self conscious, experiences like that can really hurt deeply, you're at your most vulnerable and it can absolutely colour the way you see things for a long time. I think anyway foreplay is the first thing to go when you're in a long term relationship unless you make an effort. Do you have a close relationship with dp, can you tell him all this? he might be able to help and reassure you. I know it's laying yourself bare, but it might help him to understand your fears. Your second boyfriend bragging about his ex coming within a minute was really inappropriate as well, is it some sort of race? She was probably faking anyway to get it over with quicker
Judging by an earlier thread, if your neighbours hear they will simply shout " do you mind, we are trying to eat profiteroles here" and all will be ok!
Can you explain to your dp that asking for things like that makes you feel vulnerable and you don't like feeling that way...would he 'get' that?
How about moving his hands to where you want them, rather that telling him verbally - as an example. A 'look' can speak a thousand words...
chunkychips, my partner knows about my experiences with my exes, we discuss all aspects of our past and sex lives etc, as I said we're mega open. That's why his admission came as a bit of a shock, I spose I just hadn't taken a step back and realised how boring I was being. I think I will just have to fake confidence like dividedself.
lol, I've dated some real winners, haven't I. I could go on.
FF, just because someone wants to try something different sexually doesn't mean he has been watching 'too much porn'. Quite a lot of people watch porn with a partner to get ideas they'll both enjoy trying out.
VV I can see why you don't feel very confident after some of the dickheads you've had to put up with, but it does sound a bit as though your current chap is one of the good guys and even as though what he is asking for is you to enjoy yourself more and tell him how to make it better for you. Because he thinks your'e great and he wants to have fun with you.
You're probably right madamez, I should have mentioned that he likes foreplay (although he's no saint, he doesn't mind if we don't do it) but a lot of the time I refuse it, or only let him do it for a minute before acting like I need sex instead, so that I don't have to worry about not coming fast enough, otherwise I just have my eyes on him all the time to check he's not looking bored or fed up, and I'm not even concentrating on what he's doing anyway.
I have to go to bed now I have a migraine coming on, but thanks for all your responses, it's food for thought. I think I'll just have to shut up and try harder to do what he wants, really. Talk about baggage eh? haha.
Do what you want. YOU. That is what he wanted in the 1st place - you to do what you want...not just what he wants beacuse he wants it.
Don't worry about coming 'fast enough' FFS. Woman usually take longer. If you are bothered by that, then manouvre him into a different position so you can, um, help yourself along...as it were..I believe blokes like this anyway... Just becuase your ex boyfriend suffered from premature ejaculation and didn't wnat to admit it...
Do what you want. YOU. That is what he wanted in the 1st place - you to do what you want...not just what he wants beacuse he wants it.
Don't worry about coming 'fast enough' FFS. Woman usually take longer. If you are bothered by that, then manouvre him into a different position so you can, um, help yourself along...as it were..I believe blokes like this anyway... Just becuase your ex boyfriend suffered from premature ejaculation and didn't wnat to admit it...
Woah, why would wanting foreplay make him a saint? Presumably he just likes doing sexual things with you?
I agree with everyone that he's raised this badly. If you are happy with how you are, sexually, you shouldn't feel any pressure to change.
But it doesn't sound like you are happy.
It also sounds like your partner would be capable of telling you if he was bored or uncomfortable or whatever, during foreplay. But you need to talk to him about this fear. You need to make clear that a) you want him to tell you and b) how you want him to tell you, just in caes he's not delicate about this.
I think you should give foreplay more of a go.
If noise is a concern, why not fall back on the old flatmates' standard, music? It does provide some cover, and gives you the illusion of cover.
When I read this I didn't think he sounds like a twat. Not overly sensitive maybe; but lets face it, he is sensitive enough to know that you're not really enjoying it. How can you be if you don't feel sexy and you are just focussed on him & then "finish myself off afterwards so there's no pressure"
In fact, if he was a twat he'd not be bothered..you do everything for him & you ask for nothing. He wants it to be a two way giving & taking. Can you imagine having sex with someone who appeared disinterested, too worried about the noise & wanted you go & shower so the real enjoyment could begin? I would go off sex myself in that situation.
You are obviously NOT "shit in bed" - in bed is out of bed as well isn't it? You want to feel sexy in your body again. See if madamez's books can be a start & try not to feel affronted by what he's said but to see it as a positive attempt to communicate.
Well that's such a turn-on...'you are really crap in bed and I want you to be like someone else'. Hmmm..that would do it for me Why do you have to pretend?
I am quite similar. I am 'in charge' all day, the one who makes all the the decisions and sorts everything else. I don't want to be like that in bed - unless sex is going to be just another chore (which it sometimes is TBH). Sometimes it's different and I call the shots and I know DH likes it but it's a big pretence on my part really. But generally I think that sex is pretty good for both of us. Thankfully DH likes doing most of the work. If he ever said he didn't, and complained, I'd be quite hurt and I think it would blow a bit of a hole in our relationship.
your confidence is rock bottom. I think you need to get some reality checks about sex! 1- most women take 10 minutes of direct stimulation or longer to orgasm. Why you would want to 'train yourself' to come faster I don't know, even if it were possible. 2- most men enjoy giving oral sex. You are not gross, or slimey, your vagina is lovely my DH had never done it before me, (comes from a culture where it's 'dirty') took him a while and lots of booze to try it, but he loves it now, and does it at every opportunity. To be fair, he only does it if I'm freshly washed, but that's ok, and if I jump in the shower before bed he knows what's on the cards! 3- you can incorporate masturbation into sex with him, it doesn't have to be after he's gone. If you feel you want to come quicker just get down there - many men enjoy watching women do that and even if he's not bothered, he won't mind! I do that a lot these days as my bump means we can't do the positions that make me come. 4- you have a right to enjoy sex. You are NOT crap, you have lost your way. You think you are unattractive and unsexy, but I'm sure your DP doesn't think so! He obviously fancies you
I think you should try having some beuty treatments, wax and fake tan, buy some nice underwear, and wear it all to bed. Start slowly, don't expect to turn into a wild child overnight, but if you feel better about your body you may feel less shy. Let him go down on you, try to relax and enjoy it. With practise, you will, I promise! Done by a man who enjoys it, it's fabulous! A tip is to get rid of your hair underneath, it makes it more sexy for both of you and if you don't like the pre-pubescent look (like me) you can leave the front hair.
Imagine how surprised he will be when you come to bed with a fresh wax and some sexy knickers you won't even have to say anything, he'll get the message!
Possible reply to your ex-boyfriend could have been: 'my ex could blow himself, if you tried harder you could train yourself, too'
I second what thefearlessfreak said. Your dp is expressing himself (in itself commendable by bloke standards) so take this as an opportunity to express yourself back.
Neither of you is crap at sex, you just need to communicate more. For example, does he know you don't like certain positions because of how you feel about your body?
If you are worried about making a noise and 'getting it over with', i'm sure your partner will pick up on that. Can you not put a pillow behind the headboard if it bangs, or have a session on the living room floor with some music on a little louder than normal.
Am sure he doesn't want you do scream the whole street down, but maybe try saying things like 'fuck that's nice'.
Don't think about trying to orgasm and getting it over and done with but rather the sensations and how his touch/stimulation makes you feel. Concentrate on how nice it feels, rather than trying to make yourself come in under 60 seconds.
Am sure most men actually really like it when their partner gets wet, as it shows they are turned on and therefore doing something right!
As kat2907 said, you aren't crap, have just lost 'yourself' a bit and pampering yourself so you look and FEEL sexy may well help.
Maybe you could say to him that one night a week you will concentrate on giving and but that means that at the next opportunity, it's all about you and receiving! I don't necessarily mean sex for you, maybe just touching, kissing, oral etc, until you reach your goal.
Sorry but your pist makes this sound all about him. Step back a bit and realise that your opinion counts just as much.
What I mean is, he wants you to be more vocal? Well, where in any book of rules does it say that that 'keeping quiet incase you emarrass yourself in front of the neighbours/feel inhibited due to thin walls' is less important than 'scream the roof off so he can stroke his ego'?
Hi, thanks for all your posts, I appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts on this.
Tigana, once again you're spot on in your comments. I wish I could just do what I want but it's a bit of a leap of faith, really. I don't really know what I want anyway, I don't like oral sex much as I worry that I look awful and the stress makes me numb, I really love it when he touches me but I suspect it's pretty boring for him. I especially don't like having to discuss what we should do or make decisions. If he just went down on me or touched me without asking or making me ask (not gonna happen) I'd probably feel happier about it, and enjoy it more because I know he wants to, and he isn't just doing it because I asked him to. Not very fair on him, is it?
fearlessfreak- I see what youre saying. It's so weird, I always thought I was doing him a favour by not making him have to deal with my needs, tbh I always suspected that men mostly faked wanting to do things to women which didn't involve using their penis in some way. Not trying to offend anyone, it was just my own private suspicion.
lol kat, there's no way I could possibly get waxed, I can't even show him that area nevermind inflicting it on some immaculate 18 yr old beauty therapist! I'm afraid the last person to see it in any detail was the midwife who stitched me up and it's staying that way. I've tried
daddyj, he does know I don't like showing my body to him and he takes it personally. He says I treat him as if he's some knob who will run away at the first glimpse of an imperfection. It's not that but I feel like if he knew just how bad my body looked he'd think that he could do a lot better.
Mutherhubbard, great suggestion about doing it downstairs on the floor with music on, that would suit me fine and take away about half my paranoia! I do speak and let him know he's doing things right during sex but apparently it's only volume which counts, which leads me onto lovesdogsandcats post- I really admire your confidence, wish I could be like you and just be happy with my own decisions.
oops @ that random "I've tried". I don't know where the rest of the sentence went. I was trying to say that I've tried tarting myself up but I just feel like a bit of a dog's dinner really, like a turd in a ribbon! No point.
violet - shave it yourself then! I do, (at least I did before bump got in the way!) and it gets lovely and smooth men are NOT faking enjoyment of turning you on. I mean it, my DH loves giving oral sex and adores turning me on, it's half the pleasure for him. You are the only one who thinks your body is hideous. You need to work on that! Cos it's not! And I mean it, your vagina is not awful, or horrible. Have you ever been to the vagina monologues? Google 'vagina monologues bob' for a bit of perspective on how men feel about them
If you have oral sex in the dark, he can't see your vagina anyway, so you can relax about that aspect (not that you should be woried about in with the lights on, but darkness may have a more immediate effect than therapy/self help books/MN mentoring!)
It's always dark, I get upset otherwise (we never do it in the daytime) I do shave down there occasionally for variety, although he's not one of those men who's that bothered, and it makes no difference to me either way.
The thing is Kat, is that I actually am rather hideous. (I ain't got no alibi lol) I wish I was one of those slim women who pinch an inch of tummy skin and claim to be a whale, or who obsess about their nose/bum/toes, whatever. I'm really overweight, I've gained and lost weight and been pregnant etc and now I'm huge and saggy with empty boobs and wrinkly skin. It's freakish and irreparable. It isn't all about my bits- they look knackered but as long as I don't have to show anyone I don't care.
Going to stop posting because it's pointless and I'm just moaning now. Thanks everyone anyway.
have you thought about showing him this thread? tbh he's coming across great in it, it's you that needs some help imo (and in your opinion, i think) coming to terms with your body image. how you'll do that, i don't know, it's a matter of confidence i suspect, which has been wrecked by previous arseholes boyfriends. your poor fella now, though, is just wanting you to be happy with him, i think.
if you showed him this thread it might help him to see how you're feeling without taking it personally. because even as you explain it to us, the vast majority of people think he's trying to please you rather than undermine you.
I wouldn't be tempted to show him this thread as I think he'd only read the title and assume I've been slagging him off, but I have been thinking about what people have said.
Someone said about not letting my exes crap attitudes ruin my current sex life, and you're right, I am always letting the words and actions of two or three bad apples upset and influence me. My current partner has never criticised my body or our sexlife (beyond what I've said in this thread) so I think perhaps I need to draw a line in the sand and stop hearing their voices in my head putting me down iyswim.
Also I think I will try to look after myself more, even though some part of me does feel like it's pointless I've often heard people say fake it til you make it. I'm still not getting waxed though!
I think I'll also invest in a Z bed for downstairs and some sexy soundtracks so we can forget about the noise aspect (that would be awesome) and may even buy something nice to wear, then forcibly tell my bad inner voice to shut up and try the foreplay again.
I'd have to really work on my confidence before I could actually order him about though. I probably do need some lessons from madamez!
everyone needs lessons from madamez. you know she's seventy-five and still hard at it?
anyhoo, i think you underestimate him re the thread. although tbh if he thought you were slagging him off (which you aren't, and nor is anyone else) it would probably make him more likely to read it, not less...
"daddyj, he does know I don't like showing my body to him and he takes it personally. He says I treat him as if he's some knob who will run away at the first glimpse of an imperfection. It's not that but I feel like if he knew just how bad my body looked he'd think that he could do a lot better."
Oh that makes me so . If you are married with children he MUST have seen your body before and I'm not surprised he takes it personally that you hide away. I'm not saying you should start walking around the house naked, I hate my DH seeing me undress/shower etc but when it comes to sex I don't have the same inhibitions as it will stop you (and it obv has done) enjoying sex and sex is definitely there to be enjoyed. If nakes is deffo a no-no then how about some sexy negligees , they will cover up but also provide access!! Also I think the fact he has tried to talk to you about it (ok not in the most sensitive way but it IS communication) means he knows there is a problem. Do you think some of his sex hangups about not stimulating you have come from the fact that you don't expect it, if he thinks you are not enjoying it maybe he can't see the point.
However I am not sure how you have sex without foreplay!! Doesn't it hurt?
Libra, yes it does hurt sometimes, but not as much as losing your virginity to (typical) the biggest guy you've ever slept with, sans foreplay. It was like giving birth in reverse. In fact this is really tmi but he actually gave me what would probably be classed as a first degree tear a few times, when I was young and ignorant and embarassed of being wet. (I've never told anyone that actually)
Well the first thing I would recommend then is to get yourself some lube. Sex shouldn't be painful (unless of course you like it that way - we need a waggle eyebrows icon!).
Lube is your friend, even if you are wet it's useful for things such as massage and handjobs.
Way ahead of you there now lol- I'm no longer embarassed of being wet, even my lazy second boyfriend corrected me on that score! I must have been insane.
Aitch, shut up you puddock! VV I am not that old... and what I really, really recommend to you is working on your whole self esteem: pampering (if you like it), treats, a few good books on gaining confidence - though it's also very true that if you act confident you will start to feel confident (as with any state of mind). Because you're obviously a lovely person, you're funny and smart - and it does sound like your DP is a nice guy as well (even if he doesn;t always express himself with enough sensitivity, reading through the thread it becomes clear that he loves you, fancies you and wants the sex to be more enjoyable for you).
Violet... please don't let your weight get to you.. it doesn't make you ugly and the fact yor DH wants to see you and wants to sleep with you says he still finds you sexy.
Im not overly fond of my body, i'm a size 22 and never recovered my shape after having DS.. but my DH loves me the way i am.. even more so infact.
I'm not a leader in bed, but being dom doesn't mean "whip me, spank me and call me barbara" it can be just moving his hand or telling him not to move.. tell him what you want.
Talking Dirty makes me giggle so i don't do it, but i do tell him if something is nice, or how i want it.. harder, slower...etc.
It doesn't have to be an overnight change from mummy to sex kitten.. just try the odd thing.
As for he must be bored when he touches you.. lie side by side and take him in hand while he does the same for you! If after a couple of minutes you feel awkward, do something else, lie him back and kiss his chest, stomach, stroke him a little.. then its your turn again.
Sorry you feel so bad about your body but just wanted to let you know that it is something you have to change in your head and not actually related to your "actual" body at all.
What I mean is that I can really relate to a lot of how you feel, even though I "know" that actually I have objectively got a nice-looking size 8-10 body despite 2 kids.
I am trying to work on the exact same things as you at the moment and was actually going to post asking for advice on how to stop my brain working while having sex
Like you, I feel really self-conscious about taking "too long" and often use the same tactics you describe (ie switching to sex and then finishing off alone).
Unlike you, DP doesn't seem worried about it, and always says how "good" I am.
I know I need to be more demanding but it's hard after 10 years to turn around and say, well actually I didn't mind not coming v. often but now I would like to..
DH doesn't want to talk about sex at all.
Sorry, this is long, but I wanted you to see the positives in your situation - your DH wants to change, so use this opportunity to try and get what you want during sex and not after (although I know it's a lot easier to just give up).
I know it's disheartening and a blow to your confidence that he has said this, but sometimes you need to shake things up to make them better.
Don't really know how to help you though, I just bought a whole load of books but none are any use I don't think.
Sounds like you need to get it into your head that DH thinks it's sexy if you ask for what you want (and that means you can feel free to ignore what HE wants you to want).
I read somewhere recently an article written by a man about male sexual pleasure. He said that the exciting thing about sex for a man is not so much ejaculation (nice, but shortlived) but in getting evidence that he has turned his partner on. Orgasm is the most obvious thing, but also other signs of appreciation go down well.
I think your partner is blaming you for his failure to make sex exciting for you. He feels terrible about it so he wants to shift the blame.
Can you go away somewhere (without child)for a dirty weekend? When you do, take the time to allow yourself to climax - you know he wants you to. Control your thoughts and only allow erotic ones in your mind.
Re body image: most of us don't think we are perfect specimens. How perfect is he? Every woman has her own allure. Concentrate on your good points.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Get it out with Optrex! But seriously, I have been considered beautiful by one man and ugly by another in my time, without changing anything about my appearance. I am not married to either of them, btw.
Hedgewitch, the odd thing is that I used to work on a sex chatline so I'm not, or wasn't, shy, in fact I was uber confident with the callers but with my dp I can't actually bring myself to talk dirty, probably another reason he's unhappy as he loves it and doesn't understand why I won't do it with him but it's hard to talk enthusiastically about your body when you feel you look like a sack of spuds.
NQC- A few times in the past when he's touched me, he's already finished and so he's started to nod off, or complained that his hand hurt, or just looked so damn bored when I looked over at him- instant turnoff. I have a bit of a horror of him doing things just to please me when he isn't aroused, that's why I tend to prefer just doing it myself, at least I know no-one's feeling put upon.
Haven'tslept, I really appreciate you posting especially as you have similar issues. I'm sorry for my flippant comment about skinny women moaning about being the size of a whale etc, I didn't mean to be insulting by that, I was just trying to get across that the problems I have with my appearance aren't imaginary. I appreciate that everyone is different and everyone has problems. How to stop your brain working during sex? booze, and plenty of it. Ironic that I'm giving YOU advice about this subject, but also, if you've ever had sex with your ex you might notice it's better than when you were together. That's because you no longer care 100% about their pleasure, and you're out to get yours. And they will think it's the best sex too, and that you're miles more confident.
So I guess what I need to do is drink a litre of vodka, break up with my dp, then change my mind and leap on him. er...
Elasticwoman, I think one of the things which has really shaken my confidence recently is that I started to lose some weight, lost a couple of stone but instead of looking better I looked worse as my skin started to hang and wrinkle on my inner thighs, upper arms etc. My boobs are emptier now. I mean at least when I was really huge I filled out my skin if you see what I mean- I was proportionate, hourglass even, mad as it sounds. Now I'm sagging and a bit lumpy looking, and I've stopped my diet out of fright- Ive sabotaged it because of what it did to me.
My dp didn't know why I'd suddenly got so weird about him seeing/touching my inner thighs (now you see why I don't want to get a bikini wax, it's not my vagina I'm bothered about, although it's hardly an area of outstanding natural beauty these days either) I told him last week about it but he said I was exaggerating it etc but I'm actually not, I just haven't let him see how bad they are.
Anyway, better go to bed, but suffice to say getting it out here and discussing it with you guys has been interesting, helpful, and therapeutic so thanks again- where else could you talk so openly? Night all
I think porn may come into this in the sense that it does give some men an unrealistic impression of how women behave during sex. What I mean by this is that some men seem to think that a woman is not enjoying herself unless she is permanently writhing around on the end of a dick in apparent ecstacy. Sex is not like porn all the time (although maybe it is for some people?!) and not all women are as orgasmic as porn stars are (or seem to be).
Some people are naturally more passive or inhibited, or more submissive. I count myself among them (although I have my moments!). I wish I was more the other way, I'm sure it would make me more attractive to men, but I'm not. Given this, I don't see any point in faking it but of course it is important to try and achieve satisfaction in sex, to try and communicate what turns you on and helps you to achieve orgasm, to show appreciation for anything your partner does, that works for you, so that they feel appreciated and so that they keep doing the thing that works.
I'd like to be more active in terms of achieving my own sexual satisfaction but a problem I have had is that I have tried to explain what works for me but the man has not understood properly, or not been able to do what I want and then gets frustrated at the lack of results. It can be embarrassing and can kill the mood. It is difficult for both of you to keep trying to get it right (although there have been a couple of men who just had the knack! ) when it is not working and I can understand why people just fake it or concentrate on pleasing the other person which I have done in some relationships.
But you can see how it could become a problem when a woman is too passive and where the man is fed up of always having to be dominant or only being able to satisfy themselves. We hear that men are visually stimulated and find it a turn-off when a woman refuses to undress in front of them or to allow them to see her naked. I assume men must also pride themselves on their love-making skills and prowess and it must be disappointing and/or boring when they are getting little feedback and few results. You can see how something which didn't matter too much in the beginning of the relationship can become a problem over time.
So, I'm not sure what the solution is, but I I would let him know that you have taken what he said seriously and really want things to improve between you but you need his help because you are feeling awkward about it. I agree that pampering yourself and/or other ways of working on self esteem can only help, as this does seem to be a big part of the problem. Adding a bit of variety and playfulness to your sex life with sex toys or dressing up could help as could going on dates with your husband or doing new and exciting things together (and good old alcohol). It sounds as though you have just got a bit into a rut and, if things were more light-hearted, you might feel less inhibited and more able to be spontaneous.
With regard to losing weight and skin becoming looser - perhaps forget the diet and do more exercise instead. This would tone up your skin and muscles and might make you feel more confident and more frisky in the bedroom?
It is good that he has raised the issue. If he didn't care about you he wouldn't have bothered.
SkyatNight, great point about the exercising instead of dieting, I currently get no exercise so my body was losing fat but not toning up. I will try exercising instead, thanks for that! This has really shown me I can't see the wood for the trees sometimes.
Last night I followed Kat2907's suggestion and shaved my pubic topiary off in the shower, pampered and faffed and came to bed hopefully smelling and feeling lovely, if not looking lovely, and he wasn't in the mood! (I got the distinct impression he'd just had some solo fun as he seemed a bit out of breath and hot when I got in bed)
So I snuggled up anyway and after a while had got him back in the mood, but before I could speak to tell him what I might want he was inside me. When he'd finished he looked at the time, groaned, complained, yawned, then said "what do you want then?" as if he wanted me to say my usual "don't worry about me, I'm alright, it's late" etc.
So it wasn't exactly ideal timing for me to work on my issues! but I thought I should at least try so I asked for him to play with me. He did, and I did climax but it wasn't the empowering, stress-free session I'd hoped for because I knew he was tired and only doing it to please me, so it took longer than it should have. To be fair my timing could have been better though so I'm blaming it on that for the most part, it was late.
One good thing though was that afterwards he lay there stroking me all over saying that he loved my body and had missed seeing and touching it (the man's mad) so at least he hasn't gone off me yet, even if I've gone off me.
Sorry if all that was a bit tmi for a wednesday lunchtime! but I wanted you to know I'm trying to follow some of your advice.
Your mans not mad you are! (in the nicest possible way!).
So the inital attempt was a little lacklustre but he did try and make you come (and even better you came) and then he spent time giving you compliments. Sounds like you had a result. Now you just have to incorporate your fun with his!!
Innit, though! Spontaneous sex is hard to be had with a baby around- even if we had a babysitter, where would we go to have all this fantastic spontaneous sex? (I think there'd be some raised eyebrows if we booked a b&b for 2 hours)
I've generally found that men find it difficult to carry on with sex once they have come so my rule is 'me first'! I don't usually have an orgasm through penetrative sex so we don't do that until I've come at least once. I found it helped to stop thinking about foreplay and sex and start just thinking of it all as sex.
Possibly part of the problem is that your dh senses that you've not been quite frank with him, ie, you're pleasuring yourself after you've finished with him, and you have unspoken fears and dislikes. Perhaps he wants you to take charge so that he can find out exactly what it is that you want, and identify what the problems may be.
About your body: it's not what you've got; what you do with it that counts. He says he likes it: believe him.
I hope your dh expressed his frustrations with sufficient tact, but at least he expressed them. It is better to be honest. That way, problems can be identified and resolved.
Additional comments (hopefully of use)
from Elasticwoman: "I read somewhere recently an article written by a man about male sexual pleasure. He said that the exciting thing about sex for a man is not so much ejaculation (nice, but shortlived) but in getting evidence that he has turned his partner on. Orgasm is the most obvious thing, but also other signs of appreciation go down well.'
That's not how I am. Yes, ejaculation is only the icing on the cake, but the cake itself has many ingredients. That one's partner is turned on is a very important one, but not the only one. A more important ingredient is that one's partner is active and involved.
I'd add that for me, once I've ejaculated, it's game over - tired - sleepy - definately no more sexual stimulation please. That is, I'm told, how the typical male body behaves. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, etc etc. So get all your pleasuring in before he orgasms.
I think Tigana's comments are particularly insightful. Especially her double-post, which deserved to be posted twice.
I also think dividedself's comment at Mon 12-May-08 22:51:27 is particularly good advice.
Doesn't sound like your dh has been watching too much porn. He sounds like me: I don't use any.
It makes me really angry that you have had the experiences you have had with sex with your previous two boyfriends. I have had similar experiences with men, with making me feel like I was unfeminine because I got turned on, wanted an orgasm etc. One boyfriend despite me doing everything possible to try to make sex good for him, laughed if I moved his hand to try to get him to touch me.
It almost affected me really badly but fortunately I had had good sexual relationships before that. If I hadn't I might have been feeling the way you are now.
All I can say is that most men (and it sounds like your husband included)love that women get turned on. He would definately not want to sleep with you if he didn't find you attractive.
I know it is really inhibitive to feel that it is taking too long but you need to work on what really makes you have an orgasm, your husband won't mind if it takes ages but wants to satisfy you. If you feel inhibited about that then maybe (although I would normally never say this) it would be better for a little while to fake it - just so it takes the pressure off you and then you can relax and enjoy it more.
Alot of women like it better on top as well. Your husband obviously finds you attractive, he justs wants you to enjoy sex more. Alot of men are far more selfish than that.
It's not like I'm silent, I just don't want my neighbours to have to listen to us doing it- the lady is mentally disabled and they have a young child in the house, fgs. The idea of them hearing me is an instant passion killer. Ditto for the bed creaking or banging the wall. But everytime I say "this is making too much noise" he sees it as me ruining the mood. 
I think my partner wants me to ask for foreplay but I just can't. 
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