I just wondered if it is possible to work?

Nothing in particular has happened, my husband & I have simply come to the end of a relationship. I love him dearly I'm just not in love with him. He won't discuss anything, so I've sent emails explaining feelings but nothing has changed. His total lack of communication is unbearable. We can sit in silence for hours upon hours with any conversation being started by myself & ended by him with a one word answer.

If it wasn't for the children I would be asking for a divorce. Nobody close to us would ever guess there was a problem as we're very private. I'd hate the children to have us live in seperate houses etc and to be honest we don't argue/shout (that would be communicating!!) so it would be easy to live in the same house, different bedrooms & share the childcare.

Anyone any experience of this??

have you asked him about it? the proposition that is.

is there an atmosphere in the house? you dont need to be shouting and screaming for it to affect the kids. fair enough if there isnt.

i personally think it would be great if you have come to the end to be grown ups and decide to be co-parents rather than partners, but you'll need to have lots of agreement and lots of communication to make it work. how will you conduct future separate love lives for eg?

is he not talking to you about your relationship because hes afraid youll leave and take your children? or do you think he still loves you/ wants to be together?

theres so much to think about.

Nappiesgalore - No atmosphere in the house thankfully. He is just totally useless at conversation of any nature.

Explained that I wanted to be able to come home from a stressful day at work for example & chat about it and he replied why would we want to chat about stuff like that? Asked him what he did want to talk about and he couldn't come up with a single subject. I'm really talkative and love having a natter but he is just not interested in talking.

We can nsit next to each other in the car for an hour and not mutter a single word? I just cannot imagine spending the next few decades of my life in such silence.

Agree about setting the boundaries etc and I wouldn't dream of introducing new partners to the house (grow up with mums various boyfriends which I hated.

The children are priority, we have a very good childcare system set up where we can both work & share picking up/dropping off etc it would be a shame to bugger it all up by moving into seperate houses - plus expensive.

Thanks for your reply

My Ex-BFs' parents did this for years. They decided to proceed with a divorce and started talking to eachother and got back together in the end. (that's probably not what you wanted to hear)

No, divorce is the last thing I want, its just that as he seems so unwilling to change I feel like I only have two options.

1> Put up with it as it is and live my life not communcating, unable to share experiences etc
or
2> Get on with my own life without having to spend my evenings sat with him conversing for just a few minutes.

Yes

It didn't work for me - was an absolute nightmare actually. But I guess it depends on your individual situation.

I have been thinking this recently - I dont know whether I could do it. I want it ALL with a cherry on top! (We are having major problems)

I do remember growing up with Mum and step-dad who didn't really like each other, never showed any affection and had lots of rows etc.
I used to go to a friends house where her Mum and Dad used to be lovely to each other and hold hands and put arms round each other when just sitting watching telly and I used to think that was really unusual.
I just dont want my kids growing up thinking that showing affection, having conversations is out of the ordinary.
Dont you think that your dc would have a weird idea about relationships if they grew up with this?

Possibly? But would it be better for them to have two parents living in the same house as friends rather than totally separating and living apart with kids having 2 bedrooms, different houses on different nights etc

I dont know - It is a difficult one.

I am still in denial I think - I just really want them to grow up with their Mum and Dad, but if this isn't possible, I would rather they were with one happy, confident parent, than two unhappy, non-communicating parents.

i guess it depends if you can be friends. doesnt sound much like it atm.
i dont think i could bear to be as ignored as you have described, so i understand why you want more.
these are fairly drastic steps youre thinking of taking - deciding to coparent and not actually be a couple anymore is quite unusual - would bringing up this as a topic of conversation get a response do you think? i really think you should sound it out with him. you could debate here the possibilities and details but if hes dead set against it its all for nothing, no?
id love to know his response to being asked about this, even in general 'what do you think about this idea' sort of way.

"I love him dearly but I am not in love with him anymore"- are your SURE you want to divorce?

What you have just said,could apply to 99% of married couples! The "being in love" stage lasts for a couple of years, then it changes.

Maybe you are mistaking that change for the end of your relationship?

Hard one, and I sympathise.

But I do think it's really important that children grow up in a household that is functional rather than dysfunctional. Even though you and dh are civil and don't row, etc, it is still a dysfunctional relationship and isn't teaching your children about grown up relationships.

I would suggest to your dh that he leaves - see if that gets him talking!

Has he always been like this? I can't believe you would have got together in the first place if he was, especially if you like to talk - so what has happened to change things?

p.s- has he changed- or has he been like this forever? Why did you marry him? Was he different when you met?

This is similar to how me and my h were. But it got worse. Not only did we no longer speak, we 'progressed' to not even being able to sit in the same room together. I would come in the room, he would leave. No communication or affection whatsoever.

I told him several times I was unhappy and we needed to sort it out. We were like lodgers. I got to the stage where I couldn't take anymore and was worried that I would actually start to really hate him. The final straw was when he booked a trip to Cape Town over New Year without telling me. Upon his return, I told him I wanted to separate. We lived together for 3 months before he got is own place.

We actually get on a little better now, chat about the kids and the odd thing that's happening at work etc. We are friends again, but there is no love there anymore. Our DC are doing really well, the eldest understanding that we get on better as friends. My youngest said we are still a family, but just a different kind of family. We are no longer dysfunctional, there is no atmosphere, etc.

I too didn't want my kids to think an adult relationship was cold, unloving, uncommunicative and uncaring.

Sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear.

This has really got me thinking! It could describe me and my DH!!! But I have never before thought it was reason to split.

We can drive for hours with no conversation- he just can't think of anything to say. Ditto evenings. Apart from discussing the minutae of the office day etc that's it- unless I start something- like the news/politics etc etc.

I had begun to look on it as "companiable silence" - no words required. Now I am not so sure.

I need stimulating conversation - and I don't get it from him- he bores me to death TBH!!!!

He is very easy to get along with- but I see him as a very a passive person in a relationship- he doesn't have any friends (well, one) but neither does he have enemies. I think he just doesn't enagage with people on any deep level. He's not close to his parents or his brother- rarely in contact.

I wish I hadn't begun to write this- it just makes me miserable as it highlights what's not right!

Sorry, OP I know it doesn't help you- but it does let you know that you aren't alone- and I don't know the answer. I know my DH really loves me, but I guess he can't show it or offer me what I need.

chipstick and hls, your stories seem so sad. You really are not getting what you need from your relationships. I would urge you to both really think about what you want from the future. This is not about 'getting' your partners to change - it is about you changing things so you get what you need.
You firstly need to talk to your partners and explain to them what is that is lacking (and lets face it you may not even know what it is yourself - so you need to do some hard thinking).
You deserve more - your partners deserve more and your children deserve more (yes of course we all want a cosy mum and dad relationship for our children but sometimes that is not possible - that is not a failing of just you - it takes 2 to make a happy marriage).

Good luck to you both

happywoman- thanks. However, I can't change his personality. I feel it is me who made a mistake in thinking he was right or me- 25 years ago- when my needs were either different, or i was "in a different place" emotionally.

To give you an example of his passivity- holidays. I have booked and sorted every holiday for the last 20 odd years. You know how much effort that can take. This year- for the 1st time ever- we could have gone away outside school hols. He has booked his hols a week before the school hols begin- although he said I told him that that up to end of July was ok,(can't remember doing that). I was VERY annoyed, as I had spent ages looking for hols on line for dates before then. Since then he has not mentioned hols at all. I said I didn't want to go away during peak times, so maybe he has taken me at my word, but we could possibly do something later in the year- if only he would talk about it. You might ask why I haven't raised it- it comes back tome doing everything as usual. he's happy to tag along if I do all the work- when I say this, his excuse is that I have the time ( well, I work part time) and he doesn't. it is not about time though- it's about involvement. We could do it together in the evenings. To give him some credit, I have had a health problem for years which has reduced how much travelling we can do- but I am trying to be brave and get on with it!

This all sounds so petty- but it's all about a lack of connection between us.

I have just got to get this off my chest- did yesterday too.

I had a check up yesterday for a cyst on my ovary- they think it is benign. I have to have scans every 3 months to note any changes and yesterday they did a blood test for cancer. I am not sure when the result will come, and you can also get false positives.

before i left in the morning he didn't mention it- had forgotten even though the night before I was talking about the scan- it's an internal one- and not looking forward to it. he did't even phoneme when I got in- said he didn't want to disturb me- I work from home- but which do you think I'd rather he did? Not phone (=not care)or disturb me for 5 minutes.

I KNOW he loves me and would be mortified if I left him- but I just keep being disappointed by his behaviour all the time.

His.. this is my H to a tee. In tears with relief that I am not alone and that I am not going mad.
I don't know what to do. I'm so unhappy. I know he loves me but I'm just so sick of being lonely and alone. I get the bit about lack of connection 100%. So true.
Sorry OP, I wish I had answers too, but at least, like me, you can see you are not alone. x

maybe we should all just marry each other lol !

I just can't get my head around why someone would think it was better not to disturb me, than ask if I had got a result that I was dreading? I mean, what sort of person has a mind that works like that? If it were him I'd be asking what time the appt was, what time he would know about it, what time Could I phone etc etc.

I think maybe i have been spoiled as a child as my parents gave me so much attention and love- and yet no-one else seems capable of that

I am worried sick over this cyst- I trust my dr and he's one of the best- but I still have to live with scans every 3 months and the worry of whether it's changing at all. All I need is some support- should i really have to spell that out? Am I being unreasonable?

I am SO SORRY OP, I have really hijacked this, but I am feeling very emotional today.

Do you know - i think i could have been you about 3 years ago. We were drifting along - not much connection. I knew things were not right and really thought we were going to slit - i would blame his personality and thought is this it then - too frightened to split and too scared that this was all there was. It turned out that he had been feeling the same and rather do what you are doing sought comfort from elsewhere - he had an affair.

Before i knew about the affair i did some work on me and realised i wanted to stay married but needed to change some things - i knew i loved him and 'knew' he loved me (although having an affair is not the way to show that i know). I started to 'demand' more of him actually and some times i was willing to walk away - we both worked at the marriage (me more than him as his knob mind was elsewhere.) The ow i guess saw a change in him and 'pushed' for more from the affair - letting her husband finding out and giving me lots of clues . I did feel silly as i was too wraped up in 'saving' my marriage to see it all. It was a huge shock and after much heartache and soul searching from us both we are still together and still working on it.

I do believe that if it had not been for the affair we could have still been drifting along as you seem to be.
I am now no longer afraid of being alone and if my marriage ever gets to such an awful place again i will either walk or do something about it.

I tell you this as i really hope you find whatever it takes to get you to a happy place and dont settle for drifting along.

I also understand about being different now to when the relationship is new - and i do think too many couples 'jump' in without really knowing themselves as well as they should. I certainly know myself so much better than i did 3 years ago and i am grateful for that - i dont recommend what we did though .

Good luck with it though.

hls - have you read men are from mars .....?

I really do think men and woman have different brain patterns and thinking. Again dh and i have had a great chance to get to know each other all over again and it is wonderful. Rather than 'second guessing' what each other is thinking we tell each other now.

I think we tend to trundle along in our own little pattens and dont like to upset things.

I really hope you sort something out as i do think this is a sad way to be.

We are also converts to counselling (although we are not needing to go now) but dh became a bit addicted at one time .

Yes, I have read it

I just think he is incapable of doing anything else! He just doesn't seem to think.

We have had numerous talks about it over the years- all 24 of them! - and nothing is any better- for a few weeks maybe, but then back to square 1.

He is brilliant at all the practical stuff- DIY, gardening, cars etc etc- but no emotional empathy.

Has anyone got a man who has?

Not sure anyone has - but at least he is good at DIY could i borrow him i have a ton of jobs to be done - which in fairness dh would do, but without any preperation as speed is the only thing that counts. i may as well do it myself as it will need to be done again anyway .

I guess the lovely thing is we all know our partners so well - and for me that is the 'fun' in it.

But i would urge you to really think about ways you can change your view.

How about 'spicing' things up a bit. We now try and book various new things to try together and as a family.

Like i said i am so glad we had the wake up call and i really do hope you can do the same.

Hls - I can see now why you answered my post on relationships...it sounds like we're in very similar places in our marriages.

I'm very sorry to hear about your health worries - I do remember reading somewhere that we all yearn for someone to look after us like our mothers when we have health problems...men do this as well as women...and of course a partner isn't a parent. It doesn't mean you were spoilt though.

But it's not unreasonable to expect some tlc in the situation you're in.

To the OP - this is similar to the question I posed. I think I've come to the conclusion that I need to work at the relationship (again, as long as he will). I don't know anyone who's done as you've suggested, but it's clear from these threads there are many bored women in long-term relationships and men who are on Mars.

Thanks for all your replies, I'm so relieved I'm not alone.
Being an only child I'm really happy with my own company and can occupy myself for hours. I'll go to the gym, meet up with friends etc I don't need someone to keep me company. So I'll happily get on with stuff rather than sitting in silence all evening with husband. Then it is in the back of my mind that he will look for company elsewhere and it will transpire that he's stared an affair so your post HappyWoman interested me.

How I feel at present though, I would almost be relieved if he were to reveal an affair. The decision to end it would then be so easy.

Thanks for all your advice, he is at work tonight & I'm out with my work tomorrow night so I can't pose any questions to him till Thursday at the earliest - we'll see.

chipstick your dh sounds just like mine, i think it's a common male problem isnt it, all the women on this thread are married to the same man!!

if you pose the question to him, it will probably come as a total shock to him, which might do him good.good luck on thursday

hello chipstick
this is my first msg on mumsnet and reading all the above strikes an exact chord with me. I have just written about 500 words and deleted them all, but basically i have 4 kids - have been married 16yrs and wish a 1000 times over i had left him about 13yrs ago. Nothing will change - i am 41 and yesterday felt suicidal about living the rest of my life in a situation similar to yours. No conversation, not even close friendship. I make every offer of companionship and interest but it is so so wasted on him. Friends have told me for years to leave him but as no violence is involved (only horrid mental cruelty) i find it hard to act. Have been so worried about upsetting kids but if i dont get away from him I will go mad - this sounds like a joke but my head and heart cant take anymore.
I have no answers for you just huge empathy for what you are feeling.

Welcome to mumsnet Wildwillow .

I'm so sorry to hear how miserable & upset you are. Life must be tough enough with 4 kids yet alone an unsupportive other half. It is so hard when children are involved isn't it. Even if it wasn't for mine I would have been out of here last year but as it is we have to make it work and I think some huge comprimises will have to happen.

My husband is so good in many ways - he does most of the childcare on top of a demanding job, he does all the ironing yet I would happily take on all those jobs for a really good laugh n chat everynight about our days/lives/plans.

I doubt anyone has a magic answer but carpe diem, life is too short and I will hate to look back in 10 yrs and think I've been miserable all that time.

In answer to op, no I don't think you can (am doing just that now and can't wait to be able to move on) though it depends on your circumstances. If you were close enough to be real friends you would probably not be separating in the first place and pretending to be friends in the same house is deluding yourself and the children really.