I've been thinking of having a breast reduction done and last night when we were talking about it, i said something about a friend saying she'd visit afterwards and bring some grapes. I asid to him it'd be nice if you you brought more than grapes, maybe a card/ flowers because that's what people do. he got sooo stroppy about it and said "so now i'm being told what to do when i visit". i went away as i was so upset with how he spoke to me. later i came downstairs and told him not to bother coming to any appointments with me if he was going to be like that and he told me to f* off. I threw soem water over him (blush) and went upstairs. He knows ho much i can't stand the f* word and i really thought he'd never say it to me again. the last time was during a dreadful row last august. I know feel i can't have my op because it'll remind me of him telling me to f* off. He admitted afterwards he's very nervous about me having it done but will support me if i decide to go ahead. am i overreacting to hims telling me to f* off?

yes

agree Bessie

thanks - i know you're probably right but i really thought he wouldn't ever say that to me again as he knows how much it upsets me

Yes you are overreacting...

Were you seriously telling your partner to write you a card and bring flowers after the op? Lol lol, that is hysterical. But this whole thing sounds sadly immature.

in stark contrast to what surgery and illness a lot of mners have i find posts like this v immature and pthetic.

this is a joke right?

you both need to practise saying what you are feeling instead of lashing out at the other every time a difficult emotion comes up

sorry if this sounds patronising but it is like a couple of toddlers fighting

you could say "I am feeling so anxious about the op and it would mean a lot to me if you could bring a little card and perhaps some flowers. "

He could say "I feel insulted that you think I don't know how to behave when visiting you in hospital."

You could say "I see what you mean; I think I am just worried I won't feel supported when I am probably going to be feeling very down."

He could say "Well I'm frightened about it too to be honest."

etc etc

instead of throwing water etc
just say what you feel and ask for what you need

Very good advice from FZ.

well let's face it is is ruddy easy when talking about someone else's argument isn't it
we have all got sucked into doing ridiculous things when angry or upset, but when it is all written down like this it shows up how pointless it all is

I can completely understand why both of you are feeling anxious and jittery in the run up to your op. Franny is right, this is about recognising and sharing those feelings.

Don't order him about and tell him what to bring (aka 'you're a crap husband'), tell him you are looking froward to the op being over but are apprehensive about convalescence. Ask him how he is feeling, seeing you go 'under the knife' etc.

And good luck with the surgery - I know a lot of people have huge discomfort from breasts - hope the surgery makes life easier.

meanwhile, take a deep breath, and be kinder to yourself, and your dh!

thats everyone. i know it seems very, very silly now & i feel ashamed- i think we're just a bit overcome with it. I've been wanting this op for years and now it's becoming a reality that i can have it done, i'm teriified. I'll call dh soon and hopefully we can have a chat - does that sound like a good idea?

Do not see why anyhting about this thread / OP should be a joke.

How do we know the OP isn't having a breast reduction because of medical issues (e.g. back problems)? I have no idea if that is the case and am not interested in being proved right or wrong, but this attitude of "how dare you post that when other MNers have real problems" is really offputting to anyone who wants to post about anything less than an earth shattering issue.

agree, good advice F&Z, as usual

that franny&zooey. we both know what we should be doing and saying but it's not always so easy when stressed/ tired, etc

x posted with last few posts
yes, sounds like a very good idea, hope you get it sorted good luck for your op

im áfraid is id be dumbfounded if my dh stated what hed like me to birng when i visitied him after an op

surely thats the last thing to wrry about?

thanks maypolerbear. the op is because my very large bust has caused me alot of discomfort for years

yes do call him
of course you are stressed - don't forget he is too, and it is often harder for men as they can't express feelings so easily to friends etc
can you imagine the laughs he would probably get if at work he said to a colleague "I am feeling really worried about my wife having this breast op"
he would just get a lot of crude remarks most likely

tell him you really need his support and that you want him to be there for you, as he will be such a help when you are feeling in pain and tired
try to support each other rather than fighting

i think it ws the f* word and the throwing of water that made me think this was all very immature.

I think it's natural - you were telling him you'd like to be spoiled after your op - he was left thinking "I'm worried about her and she's telling me what fruit to bring!" I would probably have a very similar converation with my DH.

its odd though to tell someone you want to be spoiled

loses the point

thanks maypolarbear. i'm so sad abouthim telling me to f* off, i'm not sure i can bring myself to call him. just tried but couldn't do it

I am one of the MNetters with serious health problems (well, DH anyway) and it really bugs me when people use MY problems to have a go at someone else. MN is here for us all to talk about whatever is bothering us. If you think it's trivial, leave the thread. Even though my family is going through a pretty rough time, I can still have a bit of sympathy and compassion for other people's problems. It's not an 'I've got it worse than you' competition. Sorry to butt in but the OP felt strongly enough about her problem to post it and I feel it's a bit tough on her for other people to tell her she shouldn't because it's not as serious as other people's problems.

windy - yes, it is but that doesn't mean that the cause isn't deeper - or worthy of ohdear being able to mull it over with a couple of mates - and find a way to be more mature!

Ohdear - he's probably feeling the same thing...but outraged about the water and the teling him what to do in visiting hours.

Try a bit at a time.

And look - people (unfortunately!) tell each other to f off all the time on MN. I'm not saying it was ok fr him to have said it to you, but, in truth (although it is doubtless because you feel so anxious) you did behave thoroughly unreasonable before he told you to f off!

Apologise for the first thing you did, and see if he apologises for what he did. But for heavens sake tell him how vulnerable you are feeling.

(MummyDoIt - yes, I agree. Not serious health problems but DS will be having huge surgery in a couple of weeks that will affect him and family life for a year afterwards - I utterly utterly understand how apprehension about surgery - and especially something so tied up with self-image like breast surgery - would cause the levels of stress that lead to this sprt of upset)

just ried calling but he;s not there at the mo. supposed to have a friend comng round later but don't feel up to talking to anyone in real life

I can sympathise with you asking your DH to bring you a card and flowers-I'm assuming here but I think if it were me I might say something similar, but really I would be asking for support and sympathy...its about the thought, not the flowers and card as such. Maybe you are worried that he won't be supportive when you need him to be. Maybe you know that he can seem/be unsupportive. Maybe you know that he might not think of making a gesture like that, and that flowers would really cheer you up when you are in hospital.
As some of the other posters have said, you probably need to tell him how you feel, rather than appear to be telling him what to do when he visits. Good luck.

thanks Rosj - i think that's partly it - that i'm think he wouldn't think of making a gesture like that and then i's be a bit hurt. By mentioning it, i suppose i was hoping he would think of it. he can be emotionally unsupportive , but very " practically2 supportive, ie looking after ds, doing things round the house but not always saying the right thing

i've spoken to him and he sorry for what happened last night - we both are. he still wants me to go ahead with the op as he knows how much i want it really

well done, ohdear.

I sympathjise with the 'practical' rather than emotional suport - DP doesn't do romantic or 'sensitive' gestures, either. But does get on with the practicalities. I don't think that means they don't care, though.

Not really sure what to do when he gets home. have cancelled mu friend coming round this afternoon as i feel so tired and unsociable because of what's happened. I really don't know if i can go ahead with the op now in case he shouts and swears at me becuae he's stressed while i'm recovering

I think you need to take some responsibility for looking after your own health ohdear
I presume you are pretty desperate for this OP - people don't have such surgery lightly
making it dependent on him behaving in a certain way is really doomed to end in tragedy IMO

yes, i've wanted this done for years but have never had the money to get it done before. It's not dependant on him behaving a certain way, i just need to know that he's prpered to look adfter me and ds until i'm better

I'm dreading dh coming home and am so full of unhappiness about the fact he told me to f* off after saying so many times he's try not to again. Some other threads seemt o describe his shouting and swearing as abuse , but i'm not sure his behaviour is quite that bad. it used to be (and so did mine occasionally). I think he can't control his temper and tht's never going to change. We've seen counsellors in the past, one very good one until a few months ago and we've also both seen some separately.

I just don't get the impression that many women get told to f* off by their husbands, especially when the husband knows that their wife is so upset by swearing. maybe i'm wrong and the occassional F* off happens in most marriages?

anyone there?

i think you are blowing this to absolutely catacylsmic proportions.

i agree 100 % with everything frannyandzooey has said on this thread.

maybe your Dh had planned to bring you something other than grapes or flowers to teh hospital....

cannot see how he is any more in the wrong than you, when you threw water over him , you both need to apologise and move on

he is clearly stressed about the surgery as are you and you need to talk about that rather than focus on him using the f word

dp has told me to f- off in the past, yes, and probably vice versa
I don't think it is a particularly good thing to do, but I know that when he has said it, he has meant "absolutely leave me alone right now, because I can't control my temper and I can't bear these awful feelings that this argument is making me have, and I want you to go away and shut up right away"

which I think tbh is a fair thing to say, although there are obviously more polite ways of saying it

neither of us have ever thrown water over one another, for instance
I would be REALLY upset about that, personally

have you anyone to talk to about this, other than dh? It sounds like you really need some support and reassurance and that it would be better if you had someone else to help you with it. He's obviously struggling and I think you're taking your worries out on one another.

You're scared, he's scared.

Neither of you handled it well because you're both scared.

Every relationship is different but in my relationship throwing water would be pretty bad, much worse than fuck off, very disrespectful.

dh got home a while ago and bought me flowers to say sorry. he's taken ds out for a walk now