I'm getting married in 2 weeks and I'm so looking forward to it. It's a simple registry ceremony at a wonderful colonial restaurant in Singapore, away from all the stress in the UK and with my parents as witnesses. Everything has been planned and 4 of my closest friends will attend. Other than that we thought no one else could come -it's a long distance and expensive.

Anyhoo, now I've found out my dps father and his girlfriend of 12 years will attend. I'm torn between feeling happy for my dp and at the same time dreading to see them as they've been rude and unwelcoming.

Story is: My dp was married before. It all fell apart years ago. He got on with life and a while later we met.

His father was cold towards me when I first met him, he's 66 now and claims 'old age' isn't allowing him to move on so quickly to accept the new partner (moi) in his son's life. Two years down the line he's nice and at times lovely when alone but whenever his GF is with him he is very distant and coldish towards me and at times his son. There have been various snubs, incidences, insults, etc. where he showed zero support for my dp and has downright ignored him in favour of his 2 younger brothers. (At a Christmas speech congratulating both younger boys on how well their jobs are going and not mentioning my dp in a single word despite him doing equally well and actually getting a promotion. The other time he wished the 2 younger ones and their partners good health and a lovely future and not mentioning my dp or me at all, instead picking on my poor 69 year old Mum saying: I don't know your past so I can't say anything about your future.) WTF?

His girlfriend has been smiling at me through gritted teeth and always been outwardly polite but constantly backstabbing and riling others against my dp. It came to the point that my dp's ex-wife told her to get lost and leave her alone because she didn't want to be part of that toxic family anymore. (Wish I were in her position to outright say that...[sigh with jealousy])
She hates my background, she dislikes my private education (everyone that got it is a toff), she dumbs down my job (until 8 weeks ago I was a trader in the City), she called me a Paki (my father is Pakistani/Persian), now that I'm pregnant she made comments such as: no more size 6's for you, eh? you're quite big for your stage? when I was pregnant, I did/ate/drank/worked/...blah.
he always finds fault and I start to resent her.

Please bear with me, I know it's long.

So they're coming to the solemnization ceremony and staying for a total of 1 week. Luckily in a hotel, not with us. The father wants to apologize for the last snub but I'm not in a forgiving mood. If he opens his mouth at the wrong time or his GF makes any grunting noises I'm minded to ask them to leave. I'm so angry at them misbehaving all the while, not being able to just be polite for one day. I'm scared they'll ruin the best day of my life. What can I do? Any advice from anyone please? I'm at a loss...

Oh Alexa
First, I'm so sorry we haven't managed to meet up yet. We must. Slim had her baby a week ago, so it's been difficult to get together.
More importantly, I'm so sorry about this situation. I didn't realise you were getting married so soon, so congrats!
I've really got little useful advice. DH's step mil is very much like this and hence his dad can be q scating too, in her presence. I guess if they've travelled this far they must think a lot of you/dh - more than you realise that is. Surely they are not going to travel this far and at such expense just to ruin your day. You need to try and rise above it. Show them how happy you and dh are together and hoe happy he is with YOU. They will ruin your day if you worry about it the whole time though. You have your parents there to support you. Do they know how you feel? Does dh?

Maybe you could go OTT and show how ecstatic you are at their presence ! Bluff them. They could be shocked into feeling guilty at all they have done to you when you are SOOO lovely and inviting.

xxTake care

Hello good morning you, how's tricks? Are you well? And the kids? I'm free all Wednesday! Yay!

I heard about slim, she sent an email. Have to think of something creative for her... I'm glad it all went so well. Lucky girls :-)

We just filed and got it together, purposely doing it here so it can be a small intimate weddings (having had 2 cousins marry 400 ++ didn't encourage me to follow in their footsteps).

Yes, my parents and my dp know how I feel. I'm somehow glad his Dad and he Gf are making the effort to come, because an effort it is. Maybe I'm just going bananas and the pregnancy hormones are playing up. I'm just worried about FIl having 2 bottles of Chambertin and doing an improvised speech no one wants to hear.

Actually thought of having a good glass of champers and then imagining they've been nothing but lovely. Would probably need more than one glass though

my friend's parents split unamicably about a year before her wedding. The mother had someone else (who was not present at the wedding), alas it was the mother and father's best man so you can imagine what ructions that caused. I was tasked (sadly but necessarily) with keeping an eye on her dad through the ceremony and reception. It was not something I relished but I have known him a long time and he knows me well. Just the once I had to pull him aside and remind him that this was the wedding day of his PFB and that he should be being father of the bride and not bitter ex husband and he was sorry. He didn't do it again. My friend hated that she had to ask me to be on guard but she knew I would be able to sort it out. Will there be any of your DP's friends there who know FIL of old who could help? And someone to occupy her too? She sounds nasty.

BTW my friend's dad now has a russian mail order bride and the mother and best man have been married 10 years and are happy as larry.

Califrau, what a story! Yes, I reckon we need someone to shoot him a warning glance and shut him up if necessary. Unfortunately the only one who can do this is my dp, his son.

There is no one to look after the GF. She's always spiteful and quips (not really asked to say anything and never addressing anyone specifically but always mumbling and snide remarks, YKWIM).

I do not want my dp to be tense all through the day, yet there's no one else to keep FIL in check.

Dp has just suggested we meet them on the night they land so we can all sit together and 'talk'. AIBU to not want to make a pleasant convo with the person that refers to me as 'this girl' and by my mixed race origins??

I so want to be nice and makes this day pleasant for the small gathering of people (10) at the ceremony and lunch but it riles me that the very person who seems to have a problem with me and stirs everyone up will be sitting there stuffing her face with cake and dripping with her usual sneaky venom.

God they sound awful, I'm not surprised you're worried about them coming. Mo advice but I hope it all goes well for you - what is your DP suggesting regards the 'talk'?

No advice, I mean!

I know. They're PILFH Parents-in-law-from-hell [doesn't know if to laugh or start crying]

Dp suggested we listen to what they have to say and if they apologize for the last remark about not mentioning us at all and making my Mum feel like sh*t, then we ought to accept this and move on and hope for the best.

Thing is, whenever the FIL has started to apologize, his GF says: Yes, but you ought to understand our point of view...blah... or: But surely you understand how we feel about xyz or: It was a very difficult time/day/hour (insert whatever suits)...

There has never been an apology for her name calling of me or the racist and unfair remarks. When the housing market came down she discussed it with another member of the family that then asked for my opinion and I said we're seeing a correction in an over-inflated market the GF spit: Oh well, as long as you bunch are making money out of it... I have tried everything with the woman, I've been quiet and nice, not said much, only to hear her ask me how come I never talk despite allegedly being fluent in 5 languages and she'd be happy if my English was good enough . She also makes jokes about university education, etc. I think no one likes to be attacked for their choices in life so I'm getting to the point where I'm fed up having to accomodate someone who is so angry at me and I cannot appease her.

That said, it's not like she's pining for my dp's ex who was the absolute opposite from me, very family oriented, excellent cook, etc. and she was called vacuous, a slob, useless, fat, grubby, etc. by the FIL's GF. We all had to listen to this and I don't even want to know what else she says about me behind my back.

Can your DP talk to his FIL alone the night before the wedding (without you or GF) and point out that a) he's happy they've come to watch you get married but b) if there are any nasty remarks they will be asked to leave? Harsh but poss necessary...

and I feel for you, we had some 'problem' relatives at our wedding, but ratehr more people so they were sectioned off and we didn;t need to listen to them (thank God).

Oh you poor thing. She sounds incredibly jealous of you btw - I'm betting you're beautiful, clever, warm, great company and everything she's not.

I have been in your situation with a member of DH's family and I can honestly say it felt like being bullied (and I am very hesitant to use that word normally).

I can only really think of one of two things. Either get someone else to "mark" this woman for the whole day - are any of your friends particularly bolshy? But it sounds like that may not work.

Otherwise, perhaps ask DH to speak to his father and ask him exactly why it its they're wanting to come - lay it down straight "you've both been very rude to Alexa in the past, so I'm sure you can understand my concerns. Why is it that now you want to make an effort to come to the wedding?"

Or, the final option, and I know it's extreme, is to tell them you don't want them there. Or to tell PIL he is welcome but not the g/f. Yes it would cause massive ructions, but I guess you need to decide whether you can carry on putting up with years of this or whether this is where it ends.

I agree with all of that - it's your and DP's wedding after all. You really shouldn't have to spend it worrying about these poisonous people spoiling it for you.

They sound hideous, why the hell have they decided to come? Do they know where you are having the ceremony? If not, you could give them the location only on a promise of good behaviour...

Otherwise I agree, dh needs to have a stern chat with them about their performance on the day. "This is our wedding day, it will be a very precious memory for us, so we don't want any arguments or critical remarks. If you don't feel you can manage that, then I'm afraid you won't be welcome." And if they kick up a fuss, don't let them in!

I think dh should have this conversation earlier than the night before - he doesn't want to be tense or wound up on the eve of your day.

Are you sure none of your ten guests could keep an eye out for them? That would be very helpful...

i know it is very difficult for you but if you ignore the gf and her VERY rude manners you will find that anyone with an ounce of intelligence will work out that she is a jealous poisonous stupid racist bitch within a few minutes of talking to her

i have very similar problems with my fils gf, i used to be in agony whenever she had to mix with our friends/family for fear of waht she might say, several years down the line, she is either ignored/not invited or treated with the contempt she so truly deserves (we also have a bloody good laugh at her expense, some of the things she comes out with are SO rude they are actually quite funny)

Ok, this is going to sound v devious, but with the situation we were in, I remember talking to my Mum about it - saying, "I really don't want her there, she hates me, she doesn't seem to like either of us, can I just not invite her??" My Mum said, "you can't not invite her, but you can make it difficult for her to come". That's what we did. I'm not going to go into the details here, but we basically set some ground rules that we knew she would object to and she threw a strop and said she wasn't coming.

I know that sounds extreme, but I wholeheartedly felt that I wantd to share my wedding day with people who were there to be happy for us, not with people who wanted to come and pick holes in the whole thing.

Gosh, I would not want them to come. Set some very strict groundrules and have them ejected at first snub. Send them to an alternative venue? Only allow the FIL perhaps, citing 'keeping the numbers down/ close family only'?

Went to a friends' wedding with vaguely similar circumstances last year. The couple - MIL and her partner - were apparently very well behaved and kept themselves to themselves, so much so that I couldn't even remember seeing them there. They may surprise you!?

Good luck and I'm sure you will have a perfect day!

Effie, you've just opened up a possibility here...I had actually not thought about a man on man talk...

Chequers, thank you so much for the compliment. [holds it to chest and looks at it in moments of need]

Have a massive headache and just found out that 2 of my jeans don't fit no matter how I wriggle and jump...and it's not around the waist (what's that?) but on the legs. They are maternity ones

Edam, you know what? I have a sneaking suspicion FIL wants to come for his son but GF wants to come to make a point of attending but somehow leaving her mark (skid mark that is] She wants to come to eff around and give her 2 penneth of comments. I can hear her in her highest pitched octave voice no continental woman could ever speak in: 'Peonies, oh you should have said something we would have helped you pay for some proper roses' 'A cocktail dress? No hats? In my days...blah'. 'You had 2 glasses of wine already dear, the baby...blah' and the most lethal: 'Well at dp and ex-wife's wedding we did/saw/felt...oh how lovely it was'

Honestly, nothing against the ex wife, the poor woman was being bullied by the GF and couldn't stand her, but this is my wedding with dp and I don't want the first wedding brought up. In fact I want the GF to sit there and say zip, nada, but smile sweetly and preferably not in my direction at all.

Jesus, the good thing is, I've got my Dad seated next to me who's very short-fused when it comes to racist remarks. The only bolshy person in my circle of friends is my friend G. who (if briefed) will pull her aside. I think I need to organise a BBQ next WE to get the friends together and mention the situation and ask them to please be aware and stop the bollocks before it escalates with a firm: I don't think this is the right time to say xyz.

That's exactly how I feel chequers, she wants to pick holes. Lord knows what possesses her to behave in such a nasty way.

Just had a vision of telling them since it's such a small affair it'll be a fancy dress party themed Jungle Nights...

Honestly, I think I would go down the man-to-man-talk route and make it clear that while FIL is welcome as long as he behaves himself, his racist and abusive partner is not. The potential ructions it might cause in the family are as nothing compared to the extraordinarily unpleasant treatment she's already dished out to you, IMO.

The wedding is YOUR day, for you and DP to celebrate among friends and loved ones, and it sounds like this woman is incapable of positive emotion so do not tolerate her there.

I hope you get it sorted and have a perfect day

i have actually said to her in the past, 'well, i'm sure everything was done differantly in your day, but that was SOOO many years ago things have moven on a-pace' i smiled sweetly and moved away

also when she was giving it the big one about my vintage clad 16yodd, 'you really must buy a few fashion magazines, they would give you several ideas for taking your wardrobe out of the 1980s' (she was rendered speechless, ha ha)

Jesus, hehehehe...I'll borrow that line from you! Excellent.

Will speak to dp tonight.

The racist remarks were done behind my back and I had no idea about it, only just emerged. I have no problem with my dark eyes and foreign passport but it astounds me how quickly she zoomed in one the fact that I am 'one of those immigrants that take people's jobs and don't pay taxes and just get filthy rich'. Man, I could tell you stories about the woman.

Let's not even go there but most of her remarks are delivered behind our backs. No doubt she'll be at the ceremony just to gash us off the minute she touches back down in Spain (she's English but lives down there).

Really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Don't want to be banning her from attending but a strict warning two days before the event and minimal comms during it might help. It won't stop the bitching but I guess what I don't know doesn't upset me.

Oh dear. It sounds as though she's jealous of your looks, intelligence, education, pregnancy, and probably your marital status too!

Rise above it, Alexa; you've offered great, level-headed advice on these boards many a time, and you're getting some good tips here on how to keep the pair of them at bay whilst retaining the upper hand. I don't think I'd not invite them, but having a selection of retorts handy for any of her usual snide remarks might help. Coach your friends!

you mustn't let this spoil your day, even by you feeling angry about this, Their behaviour is inferior. If they start any nonsense ignore them, or say to them, "why be so unpleasant/inferior?"

i find i can laugh at most of her coments now, a fwe have been classic lines really

once, when getting into my new jaguar she said 'oh, it's very nice for one of the lower end marks is'nt it'

when she first saw our then house (18th century country house) she said 'oh, yes its very nice but why would anyone buy a house with a cellar?'

i just assume she is a bit thick now.

Tell her how much the Spanish hate immigrants! She sounds like a prize bitch. It must be very hard to resist the temptation to give her as good as you get. Breathe deeply, and relaaax!

Really feel for you. I have a similar toxic father in law and his wife and we also had a very small wedding (hence toxic guests stand out even more).

You sound like you have been more than reasonable and supportive of your DP's relationship with his Dad. And it must be so hard because you don't want to cause a rift by not having them at your wedding that could last forever.

But I do feel on your wedding day, enough is enough. This is your and your dp's day and you should be able to enjoy it without stress and worrying.

Can you dp have an honest chat with your Dad, explain the hurt that has been caused and lay down some rules for the wedding. If the dad and his gf can't keep to them, which surely are not more than basic good manners, then they shouldn't come.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but I really feel you are being put in an unfair position here. Hope you can resolve it.

Thanks to all of your really good suggestions!! How great is MN Really need a pat on the back or two at the moment.

You know what, frisbyrat? I think re marital status you have touched a very sensitive spot of hers. She doesn't want to get married to my FIL because if she did she'd lose the inheritance of her late partner for whom she abandoned her pre-teen kids and ex husband. So much for higher moral ground...

Jesus, don't know what to say about your MIL, I guess at some point it all becomes a farce and you just laugh in a slightly insane way to cope with it.

Loop, you're right, as it's such a small gathering misbehaving guests and rude comments do stand out. Any other day I couldn't care less about their antics but this is my wedding day and though I'm not expecting perfection I'd like to keep fond memories and have warm feelings about it when I reminisce with my lovely dp. I'm so excited, I just don't want it spoiled.

She's an ex-pat in Spain, and she talks about lousy immigrants? Hahahahahaha!

i think you should invite her, but have a person "marking" her, as suggested above, and if/when the evil old sow saya anything, have her removed - as discreetly as poss (but in full view, if you get what i mean) of the other guests
no shouting or anything, just escorted quietly off the premises
it will harly add to you day, but i think this is the best way of dealing with it, as it'll show her up no end, but won't upset anyone - unlike her vile comments

Hi,

Have not read the whole thread, but Egypt told me about it and just wanted to give you a biiiiiiiiiiiiiig {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Will read through and call you tomorrow. Shattered. Must sleep now before the little vampire wakes up again......and again......and again....etc...................

XXX

Yes Annie, can you believe it? A real charmer.

Will speak to dp now and use all your great suggestions.

Am determined to get this sorted!

Oh hello Slim, good to see you here. Did you get my email. Congratulations!!! So great to hear you and little Miss Sunshine are well and at home already!!

Ach ja, just rambling on here. Am anticipating my wedding but my dp's father is coming and as much as I want my dp to have family support him, that man has been difficult...partly egged on by his GF who I cannot describe in polite words.

Sleep well, x

And tell your DP to tell them that an apology for the 'Paki' referral needs to be included and that any further racist references will esult in excommunication.

These people will be grandparents to your child - you don't want that sort of stuff bandied about.

i agree - she does sound jealous and insecure.

It can't be your DP...it's his wedding day you know . Must be someone else who can steer him out of the way.

hi again alexa. if you want to meet up tomorrow morning i'm free. think slim is too. email me x

we can think of a plan [laughs like an evil cartoon baddie]

Yes, egypt, will do.

[Rubs hands together and fletches her teeth in a baboon style way]

spike her drinks the night before so she has the mother of all hangovers on wedding day and hopefully too sick to show her pretentious face

lol slim

Slim, you know what? This has sparked an excellent idea. You're a star! I might actually resort to it. I'll try to find a laxative which will work it's magic a bit more delayed. Will do nifty research on the net. She'll be tied up in the bathroom and blame it on the 'nasty local food' that she's already anticipating and might leave me well and truly alone.

fnar fnar. you'd better delete this thread as evidence then!

I don't really have any suggestions about what you should do as only you know what DP really wants, and having his father there is about him really.

However, telling you about my lovely set of toxic parents and my wedding might give you a laugh / some encouragement!

DH and I got married while still at uni - he was 22, I was 21 and his mother was not happy about it. I was not speaking to my mother (and haven't been since) for various reasons - she's the real toxic parent. However I thought my father wouldn't come if I didn't let her so I invited all of the parents and in-laws. DH's mother refused to come until about 2 days before the wedding, but finally "relented".

The day came and I was really excited. Got to the register office, did our thing (we'd decided to walk down the isle together as I didn't feel I was someone else's property to "give away") after telling my father to f**k off and get that camera out of my face - DH and I were having a nice moment, and DH was crying he was so happy to be marrying me, which set me off! (DH is not a crier!). TBH I didn't really care who else was there as I only had eyes for DH. Ceremony was ridiculously short, and we adjourn to the outside of the place for photos.

While outside, my mother throws dried rice so hard at MIL that she shrieks, and we decide to adjourn to the pub to wait for the restaurant to be ready for the small family meal. I down a stiff gin in no time, then my grandma takes me aside and basically has a go about me not talking to my mother and more gin follows.

In the restaurant over lunch we'd decided to seat people where we wanted them, and had had to separate my parents from my MIL and MIL from FIL who'd been divorced for years and didn't speak. My mother decided to sit there and cry because she hadn't been seated at the table with us (MIL had because we had nowhere else to put her so sat her with SIL)

Basically, I sat there and ignored all the relatives I didn't want to speak to and tried to enjoy my wedding day - which, with plenty of booze, I did!

Generally, I look back on it all and wish that I just hadn't bothered. I liked having my friends there to see our happiness, but really could have done without the family. At 21 though, I didn't have the confidence to say no to them - I thought I would regret it (7 years of not speaking to my parents has shown me I would have been better off)

We seriously considered eloping - doing Las Vegas or something, and I wish we had (although it would have cost us more in the end as we had a nice frugal wedding and saved our money for a house deposit!) I've always said being married is better than getting married!

Good luck for it all, and I hope it goes better than mine!

ChairmumMiaow, thanks for sharing your story, it did make me laugh.

[comes back from cold storage heaving a bag of rice grains and practises aiming at unwanted faces]