My husband stayed out all night. He's still not back. This is not the first time he has done it. When we were first married he did it all the time. Back then, I cared, I used to picture him with someone else, I used to phone him, sob and scream down the phone at him and accuse him of all manner of things. He would turn it all round on me so he could avoid blame and he'd manipulate ME into apologising! Bastard.

Nowadays, of course, I'm older and wiser and those tricks no longer work on me. I laugh at him and tell him to stop trying to manipulate me. Nowadays I don't phone him when he pulls an all nighter, I just go to bed - and he very rarely does it now, just a few times a year these days, not the AT LEAST once a week he did it 10 years ago. I remember once when he disappeared for a couple of days, leaving me alone with ds1 (when I was pregnant with ds2) I slipped on a nappy sack and fell on my stomach. I phoned him hysterical and he accused me of lying in order to control him and 'make' him come home. When he got back and saw my bruising, well, he couldn't apologise enough, but it was too late then, wasn't it?

Once when he disappeared I phoned his brother because I was so pissed off! A few times I phoned my parents to come and get me, but I always went back, because my need to be married was greater than my need to be treated with respect in that marriage.

Once I found a girl's phone number and when I rang it, she described his car and told me he had tried to convince her to go to a hotel with him, but she'd declined.

Once I had a phone call from a VERY angry woman who ran a dating agency, claiming my husband had tried to get someone to meet him and that "We're not that sort of agency!" I couldn't help it, her tone was so funny that I laughed! She said "I don't know what sort of marriage you have but.." at which I cut her off and apologised. He of course, said someone at the conference he was at must have done it and how stupid would it have been to give them his home number when he wasn't even there - couldn't argue wih that could I? Had to give benefit of doubt. But I knew, oh yes I did.

Once he got arrested because some girl went to the police and said he'd been far too peristant in trying to get her to go into his car The police came for him and took him away. They dropped him back home hours later, no charges, because he'd told them that he had only asked the girl for her advice about where to get an incar phone charger, she'd told him and he'd offered her a lift, she'd said no and he'd left. The police had investigated before picking up my husband - they already knew every place he'd been that day. He told them every place he'd been that day, they knew he'd actually gone and bought a car charger, so his story added up and they told him he had to be careful in future that he wasn't misunderstood. The policeman who brought him home ended up telling my husband which pub he drinks in and now they sometimes end up having a pint together He IS such a charmer, my husband. But again, benefit of the doubt because it is believeable, and it could be true. The police certainly believed so.

There's so much more. Over the last year, he's taken against my parents for - get this - the way they treat me! I could laugh my arse off! But he is hostile about them, and wants them to 'show some effort' with us. He's putting distance between me and them. But if I have to choose, I have to choose him, because I need him more than I need them.

I'm the one on here who bangs on about sex not being the be all and end all of a marriage, and until this morning, I thought I meant it. I truly thought we had a sex-free marriage because sex wasn't important to us as a couple. But I have been fooling myself. We have a sex free marriage because it's not a marriage. He doesn't want it and never has, tbh. From day one he never really wanted it. I wonder if he also just wanted to be married rather than wanted to marry ME?

I used to want it, it used to be me who initiated it every single time - never did he EVERY seduce me, it was always me begging him. But I only did it because the more he rejected me, the more desperate I was to have sex with him to feel desirable. In the end I got rejected time after time after time and I stopped trying, started eating myself to death and eventually lost all sensation in my nethers through lack of use!

We haven't had sex since December 2000. I remember it because that's when he got the girl's phone number. - card transactions showed he was in the north of england when he told me he'd spent the night in his car in London! He lied and lied and lied until I pulled out the statement. His face was a picture!

My sister told me the other day that she has always thought our marriage to be so very very sad. (in the true sense of the word). My sister thinks he's actually gay. I don't know because I think he's been unfaithful to me and since that number was the number of a woman??? But then who knows, because I feel like he's gay too.

But you know what - HE is the reason I am so fat. HE has done that to me! My body weight has more than doubled in the last 10 years. I comfort ate because I was so unhappy with him and the way he treated me. Every time he disappeared, I ate all night. I should have left him then, but I needed to be married.

Now I don't care anymore but I'm trapped by my own weight and health and I need him. I physically need him for the practical things - taking the kids to school, going to the shop, doing the stuff around the house....

But I realised this morning, when I briefly wondered if he'd been in an accident and thought "oh well, the police will let me know" rolled over and went back to sleep, then woke up again briefly to think about how my finances would be without him and felt quite happy about the fact that I'd actually have MORE money because he wouldn't be around to dictate where it got spent , well, it came to me in a flash that I didn't actually care where he was, what he was doing or with whom, and that all I cared about was that he is home by Monday morning to take the kids to school well, I realised I don't love him anymore - if in fact I ever loved him. Maybe I just loved the idea of being married because I wanted to show the world someone wanted me. (although he doesn't, iyswim, I still have that ring. It's not on my finger anymore, haven't worn it for years, it doesn't fit. I think it's probably quite telling that I have never gone to get a bigger one, or have it enlarged..)

I can't leave him now because I rely on him. I also don't want to be a single parent of 2 kids with autism. We don't share a bed. He sleeps on the sofa and has done for years. I fool myself it's practical, I have a bipap, I disturb him, he needs his rest, but do you know, I'd HATE to have to sleep in the same bed again.

But we get on fine - we chat, we have a laugh, we're actually really really good mates.

But I realise this morning that I have been FOOLING myself into thinking we have a marriage, because we don't. He's my carer. He's my housemate. He's my pal. He's my nanny. I really do like him as it happens But he's not my husband and I actually don't care who he shags as long as he's back here when I need him.

So really, I'm using him.

But he brought it on himself because of how he treated me. He nearly destroyed me. And now I don't care anymore he can't hurt me.

But I also realise now WHY I can't lose the wieght and why at the last minute I have chickened out of the op - it's because if I lose the weight I will be able to function alone. I won't be physically reliant on him and I could leave and that scares me. So now I know why I am sabotaging my weight loss attempts, it's because I am scared of facing life on my own.

oh god, i am only half way down and v worried for you. this doesn't sound great <hug>

How sad, I am sorry.

But I think you know what you need to do.

sorry, it did turn out to be a big one. My fingers were going like the clappers! It just poured out.

Yes. I need to lose enough weight so that I can regain my independence and leave him. I am very scared.

You can leave him without losing weight you know. You shouldn't, imo, let that stop you doing what you want to do (if you want to do it). I know that feeling of "when I'm xyz then I'll do abc" so I understnad but it sounds like a bit of chicken and egg tbh.

You don't need to be scared of being on your own. It sounds like you are pretty much functioning 'without' him anyway.

All of the practical aspects would sort themselves out one way or another - you are articulate and have obviously reached a resounding point of clarity following many years of real denial about this relationship.

That in itself is a huge turning point.

Do you really want this situation to continue?

You deserve more than this in your life.

I really hope you are brave enough to take control back now - you shouldn't have to live a lie like this. If this situation is what's led to your weight gain, and needing care, then change the situation and you will have so much more energy to help yourself.

x

Well. I can't walk more than a few feet and I can't drive (although I am taking lessons). I have a wheelchair.

When I say fat, I mean fat. Not your normal fat. I'm on DLA because of it - and my other health problems - respiratory depression, fibromyalgia, PCOS, asthma, history of depressive/mh problems....the list goes on and on - so actually, right now, I need him very much. If I was alone, I would not be able to function, or care for the children. I can't even walk them from the car to the school gate. So I do have to lose some weight first.

I really am sorry for the long op. I bet 99% of people are giving up halfway though thank you you lot who have managed to wade through it.

Oh ok, I hadn't realised that, sorry.
In which case do it that way round.

Hecate, wouldn't you qualify for some kind of assistance if you physically can't manage alone?

I can't believe you have to stay in this situation for want of proper care being provided to you. It's just not right.

In addition, it sounds like his behaviour is actually perpetuating your problems.

Your post is so sad.

I suspect you did love him when you were first together but I am not surprised that love has faded after the way he has treated you, you have no reason to feel guilty about not caring where he is.

Please don't take this as a crticism, but I think a lot of women would have realised this man is no good a long time ago when he lied about all the women and some would have walked away.

I think the reason you haven't is a lack of confidence and the fact you thnk you need him. You don't.

You may "need" him on a practical level for helping with the kids but is that really a true basis for a marriage? Many people survive as single parents and are happier for it, often people meet new partners and wonder what the hell they were doing with the old one for so long. So there ARE options.

Even if this man had not done half the bad things he has done, you clearly do not love him as a husband and that alone is basis for considering ending a marriage. The fact there is all this other stuff too, the lies, the women etc, should be more than enough.

I am usually saddened when I read posts advising people to leave their partners. I think it's very drastic and presents a black and white picture of a relationship which isn't always there. But in your case I felt compelled to write because I sense you are trapped in this marraige and need to leave.

You need to get some inner confidence and consider what is best for you. It's not necessarily a weight issue but just some self belief that you COULD do it alone if necessary and you and the children will be better off for doing so.

I think you have put up with so much and you clearly have your children's best interests at heart. You need to eitehr try and change the situation you are in or to leave it completely. You can't stay as you are.

I've read all OP. I'm unsure whether you are unhappy or not, despite what 'you know'. I think you're unhappy but then I get the impression that despite you 'not having a marriage' you are kind of happy because you have someone to keep you company and who helps out. Anyway which ever way I may have misread things, you do need to make a conscious effort to start to lose weight and when that starts to happen, try to get your mobility improved. Once you've made that move and things are improving on that front I think it will become clearer in your head exactly what you want. Either it'll make your DH stand up and see this new woman or I what I think is more likely, it'll give you a lot more confidence and help you realise that you really don't need to depend on him for the things you currently rely on him for

hecate - what a total shit he sounds.

TBH you do seem to be doing most of the parenting of your DCs yourself (whilst hes off wherever) and his contant disappearing can't be helping with the kids routine. There are loads of support agencies out there who can help you

now you have made your decision, sort out the practicalities (who can support you emotionally, housing, divorce etc) in your head then make the move. I understand that you want to lose the weight before you leave him, however often its easier to lose the weight when you're out of the difficult situation, but do what makes you comfortable.

also be proud of the fact you've decided to put a stop to this. well done you

just read your post, sorry for typing, feeding

you sound like you've done loads of analysis & reached a turning point]

what advice would you give someone else?

if you and dh get on so well but it sounds as if neither of you want a marriage can you talk to him about splitting up gradually? how do you think he would take this news?

can you get your op back on - big decision but life changing?

cliche but where dio you want to be in 5 years?

I assume from your posts that you mean your weight has disabled you. Surely you need medical help and lots of support for that. Does such help exist? How much weight would you need to become mobile again? How old are your children?

Regarding 'needing' him - what would you do if he got hit by a bus tomorrow?

You would cope somehow, however difficult it would be. You would have to.

I really think you have to get out of this mindset of believing you need him.

woops I x-posted. see what you mean about weight loss.

I has to change my diet due to Gestational diabeties, the biggest difference sems to be forcing myself to eat 3 proper meals a day, not snacking on crisps/chocolate/biscuits (seriously dont let then in the house!!) and filling up on salad and veg. I used to be a total sod for carbs (and still am a bit) but now I try do it in moderation. also drink more water, it actually does work weirdly!

In five years? I'd like to be able to walk again! My ambitions are small.

disco - you have a very good point - I think I am comfortable with the situation in so far as someone is there to do all the stuff, so I don't have to change. It's ok to plod along like this, iyswim.

I do know that he would fight me for the kids - and tbh, he'd win because at the moment the court would consider who was the better, more capable parent - a mobile father or a mother who needed care? So leaving at this stage may mean losing the kids.
I think it's harder because we DO get on fine, there's no fighting, he doesn't hit me or anything. I'm trying to AVOID change. Avoid having to DO something.

I think the advice I'd give someone else is to stop hiding behind their weight as an excuse for not getting their life in order, that if they REALLY wanted to, they could lose the wieght - by having the op or by them selves, but they are using it as a reason to stay in a familiar and safe place.

You're right also that it is confidence. I have none. I let him walk all over me in the early years and I stayed because I wanted to be loved. Now I don't care how he feels but I need someone there, like you say.

But am I fooling myself now in a different way, by thinking I no longer care? Perhaps now I've shut off as self-preservation?

Hecate - I have no idea what to advise you to do. What a good post, articulate, witty but ultimately so very sad. It is time to think of the future you and the life you want for you and your children and to a lesser degree your husband.

The weight will not come off over night however any reduction will help with the health problems you have I would suggest.

Can you sit down with DH and have a 'cards on the table' type discussion where both parties are very honest as to what they want and need and see if there is a way forward?

Probably self preservation otherwise I don't think you'd even have started this thread. I really think you have to do something for yourself and in this case its the losing weight, getting active thing. The decision on your marriage will come to light once you feel better about yourself. TBH I don't think you should talk to DH about your feelings about potentially ending the marriage as this may just give him the kick up the bum to actually leave (if indeed he is messing around) and also because at the moment you 'need' him and don't need the prospect of potentially losing DC's

Help exists, but I am embarrassed to seek it out. He'd have to go first - and tbh, he'd take the kids. I know this for a fact. I'd let them go over my dead body - but he feels the same. Tell me, of the 2 of us - who can care for the kids better?

If he was out of the way, I would cope, I'd get the help because I'd have no choice - but if he was out of the way under a bus then he'd be no threat to me keeping the kids, whereas if I kick him out, he'd fight me all the way.

I've already lost 7 stone nfk. Another 5 or so would see me fat but on my feet.

I know what I have to do. I have to lose the weight I need to get back on my feet, I'll have the power then to make a choice.

I've already lost 7 stone

Wow! How did you do that? Was this in order to be able to have the op?

oh hecate. that is such a sad story.
what help can you get in loosing weight? i do think that is probably where you need to start perhaps with a deadline of a time to leave to give you a focus. you know you cannot stay in this relationship don't you?

Well done for losing 7 stone, that's an absolutely brilliant start, and I agree with 'what you have to do'. Good luck hecate.

That sounds like the formation of a plan to me

Yup. Since November 06 I've lost 7 stone. (it varies because I keep putting bits back on and losing it again - I've probably 'lost' 15!!!) Liquid diet, slimfast, not eating, just eating stuffing, 3 meals a day, fruit and yoghurt only, 6 small meals a day, eating normal food but off a smaller plate, menu planning, calorie controlled, normal healthy eating.....so many different things that I try and when they stop working, I try something else! At the moment I'm on xenical.

I know I can't stay green. I know that. It's scary though.

Hecate, I think you are on your way. You know the goal you need to get yourself mobile. Try and see what weight loss support would achieve. I'm sure I've read that the right sort of listening ear has a marked improvement on weight loss outcomes. Remember every stone, every half stone, every pound you lose sees you closer to your goal and the point where you can reclaim your life.

I agree with the poster that now is not the time to discuss anything with your husband. It's not a marriage for him either and perhaps in time, you will separate. But one thing at a time and your health is inhibiting any meaningful change.

Good luck.

Such a sad story Hecate, but I am amazed that despite this low level abuse (and it is abuse) you are so clear-sighted about what you need to do. You're already more than half way to your goal: what do you need to do to lose that last 5 stone? (and then get the hell out of there)

I have no advice as such, but to say you sound like now you have decided enough is enough.

So now you need a plan of action on how to move forward.

So how about this

carry on with trying to lose the weight and forget the rest (leaving, being a single parent etc) until you are more able to cope with it.

The way i see it is now you have decided how you feel about your (d)h you no longer have the stress of being a loving wife and just be housemates you can just concentrate on your dc and getting yourself better.

That's fantastic at losing so much already. Surely being able to leave and care for your children will be such an incentive for you to carry on losing weight and improving your health? Go for it

What do I need to do? I need to get some self control! I start every day full of determination but usually screw up in the evening. It's after the kids go to bed that I feel bad. During the day I either don't eat at all, or eat normally, it doesn't bother me. After 8pm I am compelled to eat. To stuff myself so physically full that I don't feel the emotional hole, iyswim.

house is HA and only in my name, which is going to be useful

I really think if I could lose the weight, I would tell him to leave. So WHY am I not strongly motivated to lose more weight? Because while I need him I don't have to make changes. If I lose the weight then I've no more excuses, have I?

have you tried that lighter life thing? as someone else says, a listening ear as well

Hecate, losing 5 stone shows amazing determination and and resolve!

I'm not so sure that your husband would automatically be given custody of your children from what you posted in the OP. The 'disappearing acts' reek of someone who is up to no good and who is actually unreliable and deceitful to his family.

In addition, look at the way he has treated you - the mother of his children - and what his treatment has done to your confidence and self esteem. He is keeping you down - I am convinced that without him you would do so much better, even if his departure would mean negociating some tricky practicalities.

On the eating in the evenings, what about something that keeps yours hands busy (knitting, other crafty stuff?). I don't think you're a coward for being worried about change, very few people rush towards massive changes with open arms, but it sounds like your head is getting towards that stage IYSWIM

x-posts, sorry.

It really sounds to me like a vicious circle that's perpetuated by your husband being there, but there being no real relationship.

Although I can see the point of view that would suggest losing the weight first might make things a bit easier, that could take you another few years.......staying in this situation is not going to help your state of mind and that is going to be crucial to your attempts to lose weight.

In my view you may need to improve your own emotional wellbeing in order to lose it, by getting out of this toxic and depressing situation. You sound like you have a lot of resolve at this point, but leaving things as they are could well see your resolve diminish over time.

Lighterlife is too expensive! It is the same as our entire weekly budget to feed the four of us! . I had counselling but looking back, I didn't want to help myself. I had a hypnotherapist but she dumped me because I was beyond help (ok, she didn't say beyond help, but that's what she meant!) and she didn't feel morally she could continue to take my money.

Umbrella - Not to brag or anything but it's 7 stone I've already lost and 5 more I need to lose to get mobile - don't get me wrong, I'd need to lose more after that, but it would mean I could walk.

how on earth that shameful admission is bragging, I don't know

Sorry to take up your time folks, but it's really helping to let it all out. Plus I have this on watch and I can reread it to give me strength

That's amazing. I think you have a lot more strength than you are letting on x

hi hecate i have read the wholew post

i think you are further along the way than you realise

you have a very good grasp of your situation you are articualte and capable mentally you can crack the physical things

you have lost weight so far against the odds

can you take the realisation you have come to with regard to your partner and use it to motivate you and give you strength

my exdp left last year after 8 years and i concluded that although i thought he was good for me when he was here...we met when i was in a psychiatric hospital he wasnt and he became initially someone i could talk to..we had agreat relationship for the first few years but then i think it became one where i relied on him although in fact i am much the stronger more intelligent more capable and knowledgeable person

he sapped that from me and i lost ocnfidence and worried about my mental health

in facty hios was the second poisonous relationship really tho it seemed ownderful for most of the time we were together

however i put on weight and lkost friends and ended up lacking in confidence and anxious about my mental health

i made a decision to lose weight and get fit

i did so and was doing well when he suddenly left last summer

i could have crumbled but i was determined to shjow that i was a strong person and could manage perfectly well and cope mentally without falling apart

i carried on and lost the rest of my weight and that was nearly 5 stone..not as much as you have to lose but my real bug bear has been mental health and losing the person i felt was my soul mate and the only person who understood my mental health

i have wavered recently but i am determined to be independent and learn how to continue to manage myself without feeling i have to have someone to support me

not sure where i am going with this ramble but what i am trying to say is that people can appear to be a support when in fact the y are undermining your self esteem

and you can go along way forward by deciding determinedly to show the world that you are feisty and strong and independent

believing that yourself is the first step

it is hard

and you step backwards often but you have to pick yourself and become a survivor

i dont really like the expression survivor but when people say it they always mean well and it is said with admiration for your spirit

so you have taken a step articulating your thoughts and letting them come into the open for yourself as much as anyone else

it is an epiphany

i cant advise but you can work out how to move forward im sure

you are brilliantly clever at analysing situations for other people

and sorry i havent emailed you i have had some turmoil in my head this last week but just getting myself back on track taking my own advice lol

this is ridiculaously long and unfocussed

sorry

i will add that one reason i was in a psychiatric hospital in the first lplace was as a result of my marriage at the time where my exh did this staying out all night business and various other stuff i was with him 23 years and that was many years too long

Hecate, while you say that you don't have to make changes to your weight etc, you have to come to terms with the fact that if you've realised the flaws in your marriage, surely he will have thought the same, there is in every marriage the possibility that he could leave before you are ready for him to go.

Do you drink alcohol in the evening? If I drink alcohol I always munch food, if I don't drink, I don't munch. Perhaps we need to post all our tricks for munching in the evening, what we eat thats low in calories etc. I eat Hartleys sugar free jelly (less than 10 calories per pot), or weight watchers citrus yoghurts. Otherwise I sit on my hands?

SEVEN stone, that's amazing, and it's more than half of your goal - I think you have already made a massive achievement.

You think that counselling was ineffective because you didn't want to help yourself - it sounds like you do now though, so would it be worth another try? Maybe you could talk to the hypnotherapist and explain to her what you have explained to us.

Have you asked your GP if the NHS will pay for you to go on Lighter Life or Lipotrim or similar? (just been googling it, and it seems some people have been able to do this). It must be an option when your weight affects your health, I would think?

Wishing you all strength - you are right, it's not a marriage, and you deserve more. Good luck x

i have some more to say ;lol

i know the feelign of being embarrassed to ask for help

i have been there

i thought i needed exdp to tell me when i was sane and to support me as well as i loved him to bits and we had a great sex life until he seemed to go off me

now i am trying to set up some sort of support for when i need it through the gp it isnt proving very successful but i think i deserve it as much as the next [mad] person so i am still trying

all these things have a stigma but in the end your health and well being is more impoirtant

i can see that the children are the hardest part but i am sure you can get there and it will work out if you can maintain the motivation you have expressed so far

i think lighter life can help for people who struggle because it is a very routine orintated thing i dont know much about it and wouldnt do it myself but i think for people who are very overweight it is structured and makes things very rule bound which can be effective

and i agree there might be funding for you

good idea lapin, didn't realise it was so expensive, sorry
Hecate, do you have support in RL?

Ok. I have read all of this.

Do you know many rl MNers in your area? You need to fill the gap between 8pm & bedtime where you eat, so you need a distraction. A rl person to come round and talk to, play cards, anything just be with you would help.

I know I have had times of doing the same kind of eating - hand crafts (as innocent as that sound) help stop me too - keeping my hands occupied, preferably with white fabric or wool that I can't get messed up with food hands.

Change is going to be f*cking terrifying. I have read your blog on and off (lost it when I changed laptop, so if you wanna link... ), and I have it in the back of my mind that you have AS traits too - that is going to make it 100% harder than even the normal f*cking terrifying of completely changing life.

There is nothing at all shameful about losing SEVEN stone! It doesn't matter how big you are - it is still a hell of a lot of weight to lose. Tis like you've lost a whole posh spice (or probably posh and then some judging by the size of that bint )

MN is a fabulous place - you know that, you have been here for a long time. We can do this with you. There is always someone awake to talk to, to tell you to put down the crisps. Be honest with us, use us, and we WILL get you mobile and living alone with your boys.

i also think play the long game with your husband

he sounds as though he has issues too but i wouldnt catapult him out of the way until you are ready tbh

but definitely plan to do so at some point an dbear in mind that he might leave himself tho he doesnt sound as tho he is likely to at the moment

lol at losing a posh spice...i wish

I think it is okay to need him on a practical level and share parenting and enjoy the friendship you have, lots of people manage this.
If you lose the weight and become healthy you can still share parenting and be friends why not? The change can be very subtle and it has already started.
Don't give him anymore responsibility now for how you feel about yourself, let that go and concentrate on yourself and your health, never mind him!

In the future you can have a loving sexy relationship with someone who fancies you. And you can still be friends with your dxh.

You don't have to throw away everything, build on what you have. Love yourself!

Oh I definitely think you should think of it on those terms - you have lost one of these and you have one of these to go!

An who wouldn't be proud at losing a Posh Spice

Yes, I do have AS traits too. I think I only ever mentioned that once - you have a good memory!

blog is here

RL support is zero. I don't tell people how it is - except my sister, and even then, I usually pretend everything's fine. She's not fooled of course, but we have this thing where I pretend I'm fine and she pretends to believe me and I pretend to believe that she believes me...

Apart from anything else, I am not 'allowed' to confide in people - (from the 10 Commandments of DH.) Which now I think about it is abuse because it's designed to isolate me and ensure that I have no support or outside POV.

hecate, your post is very sad, and I can see that this marriage has sapped your self esteem, but underneath that your strength really shines through . Losing seven stone is no mean feat.

It sounds like you are at the "enough is enough" stage and that things can only get better for you from here.

If you feel you need to lose the weight before you can face life as a single parent, go and see your GP. Most local surgeries run their own weight loss programmes and have weekly weigh in sessions with the practice nurse. After all it's in their interest to have healthier patients.

with regard to the ferrying of your kids to school etc, you'd be surprised how much people will rally round if they know you can't manage on your own. It sounds like you are ready to take positive steps to get yourself out of what appears to be a sham of a marriage, but that you are scared of life on your own. I think, for the sake of your self esteem that you ned to do something sooner rather than later, before all of your will and resolve is sapped out of yoo.

You haven't mentioned whether you and your DH ever manage to talk about your situation. It sounds as though he is just as unhappy with it as you are. Is it possible for you both to sit and have a frank conversation about it? If you are such good friends on other levels, surely you can talk this out without things getting too acrimonious? He must realise it isn't doing either of you any favours. And kids have a canny knack of realising that things are less than perfect......two happy separated parents would surely be better than two miserable parents who shouldn't be tpogether?

I wish you all the luck in the world; you sound very strong and capable to me and that you can get your life back on track.....you just need that little push to get you kick started.

lost a posh spice!

you lot always make me smile!

Hecate, feel for you so much. Have you told anyone this in RL?

x-post about the support!

tell your sister, please. Be honest with her. It sounds like she would be there for you.

wrt to eating in the evenings.....slightly different addictions, but I gave up smoking and drinking by getting enthusiastic about knitting again. I've only managed to finish two garments in two years, and have loads of UFOs about the place, but at least I'm not smoking or drinking again ...and the wool is a whole lot cheaper than booze and fags

I can send you some of my stash to get you started if money is tight

<proud face for remembering>

Right. We need to sort the rl stuff then. You're right, it is isolating you.

I don't have vast quantities of friends, but I know life is a hell of a lot easier when I have someone to laugh with.

Hecate- I hope you have the courage to walk away from this man. He sounds as if he very serious problems.

When I was first reading your OP I was very worried- he kerb crawls maybe and is too persistent when trying to get women into his car? Hope it never goes beyond that.

You have got to leave this man- no ifs, no buts. he is a disaster.

Your weight- you need help. Liquid diets and all that stuff will not help long term. They could give you IBS and other problems as they don't have any fibre. You need a proper healthy diet of wholesome nutritious food, 3 times a day.

This man has not made you put weight on- if you think that, then you are a victim- and have no control over your life. Sorry- that sounds hard, but you need to understand that if anything is going to change.
You eat because you are unhappy- and presumably it was a way of getting some control over your life, which no one could take away- the opposite of anorexia. Over eating to that extent is an eating disorder.

You need to see your GP. Help is there, but you have to want to go for it.

I hope you find the courage- you have done so well so far- but you still need help.

I think you need to say all of this out loud to someone. Desperately.

As well as your not being 'allowed' to confide in anyone being designed to isolate you, it will also make it easier for you, yourself, to wash over the situation. It's all about not really facing up to it.

Try and talk to your sister - I have been in a similar situation (my sister was in a dreadful relationship until recently) and was desperate for her to level with me. Keeping quiet is all part of the facade and it isn't helping you.

MN is a brilliant support and you are getting and will continue to get fantastic advice, but please say this out loud to someone. I think it's important for you to do that.

Oh we talk about it. He always has a reason why currently things are bad, but how he hopes they'll get better, and how if we do X, Y, Z things will improve.... I tell him how I feel and he tells me I'm being unreasonable and should look at everything we've been through and understand how hard it's all been.

Taking the sex as just one example...

first he couldn't do it because we were in the north and he was unhappy, so we moved down south where he didn't feel like it because he was working so hard. Then one of the few times I 'made' him, I got pregnant and he was overwhelmed with the responsibility of impending fatherhood so he didn't want it, then we had the baby and he didn't want it because his mind was on earning money, then once I 'made' him and I got pregnant again and he didn't want it because now we had 2 kids and it was a question of priorities and his mind just cannot relax while he feels his family is at risk, then we started the business and he couldn't do it because his mind was on setting up the business and it was stressful then the business was ok for a bit but he couldn't do it because he was working on improving the business, then he couldn't do it because the kids got diagnosed then he couldn't do it because the business started to struggle then because it went under and we lost everything then we moved back up north for a fresh start and he couldn't do it because the stress was 'accumulated' and only when everything else in life is sorted, can he feel anything physical, then we moved here and there's no financial pressure and the kids are doing well but I'm so fat I doubt he'd be able to reach and he doesn't want to anyway because he needs - well, something, tbh I no longer listen to the reasons. I pointed out many times that other people go through many things and still make love. His response was "I'm not other people."

Do you see? It's just excuse after excuse after excuse and before you know it, 7 years have passed.

x-posts again! I agree with everything that has been written above, after 2sugars post.

I also agree the car thing is quite worrying.

You know Hecate, I always like reading your stuff on here, and I didn't know of these difficulties of yours and I'm sorry you're having them.

Am really pleased for you that you've managed to lose a posh!!

My particular connection with you is that my lovely younger sister is extremely overweight too, which is compromising her health, though she remains mobile. She too is managing to drive her weight down. Yes she has replases, but stays focussed on how much better she is feeling and how much more she can do with her 3 dcs.

I could blether on about stuff, but it would be repeating the wisdom above. Wished to let you know 'I'm with you' too, as we all are.

Can't say anything better than zippi, flame or lapin already have but I wanted to add my support. Your OP is brave and incidentally, I bow down in awe at your losing 7 stone! Wowsers. Keep posting, you can get your weight down and regain the control you need to make changes. Lots of love to you.

oh hecate i am so for you. why is he sticking around?

what can he possibly gain from being so cruel to you?

I agree, it's very easy to post on here where you are relatively anonymous and then forget about it, if you speak to someone in RL it feels as though you are getting the ball rolling iyswim.
(Not talking about you specifically, just generally about posting on the internet)

withdrawing physical affection is a recognised sign of abuse within a relationship i think.

i will say it again - despite all your physical problems, i think staying with him is not going to help you resolve them.

you're right, I do have a 'victim' mentality. I need to sort that out and take responsibility for myself, don't I?

And I know you're right about needing some rl support. TBH, you guys are all I have in life these days. You are my 'real life'

That has to go down in MN history as the single most pathetic admission ever.

I was going to put this in chat so it would disappear but then I realised making problems disappear is the story of my life and I WANTED it to stay around, so I could never forget today.

We can become real real life though.

I'm sure that there are MNers wherever you are who will meet up. From those meet ups you should make at least one good friend.

I have to go and deal with the kids now. Thank you all and I hope it wouldn't be too much to ask for me to come back to this and maybe talk some more?

god you sound exactly like me last night. He got in at 440am. All of things you said i can identify with apart from ow. My self esteem has dropped too and we have not had sex since before ds was born. I finally plucked up the courage to go to a safety net(a womens aid in my area) and i am slowly making plans to leave. I am not saying do this but talk to the people at womens aid. Which area are you in. I can find your local one for you. It has helped me and a lady calls me once a week for counselling.

We'll come and beat you with big sticks if you don't come back to it!!!

I'm busy for most of the day, but will most likely be on this evening

"That has to go down in MN history as the single most pathetic admission ever. "

Nope. I recently admitted to owning a pair of 26year old purple y-fronts. That I still wear.

Top that!

Pan! They are only a year younger than ME!

Pan, I'm only just over 26!!
hecate - you have made a start! you should be proud of yourself

lol @ pan they sound gorgeous.....

would he agree to marriage counselling? you can also go on your own if he won't.

I can't see what he is benefitting from the relationship at all, other than a verbal punchbag

and your admission isn't sad at all. I've said much the same thing before to the women on my PN thread, although I'm lucky to have a couple of really good friends around. But they are the only RL friends really as I moved here two years ago, leaving family and friends behind. MN has kept me sane in that time.

purple y front. Yes you win pan!

Hecate, don't EVER think that. I got back from a dr's appt yesterday, and MN WAS the only thing that helped me through. Am still pondering 'bout you, and what advice I can give. XXX

hadnt even considered the purple aspect, just the age -do they have a my little pony on them? (they were big in the 80s)

Your op seems really clearheaded to me. No decision you make will be easy.

If you have suddenly come to the realisation that you are scared to lose weight because you are scared to end your marriage then (IMO) that knowledge will stay with you and grow in your mind.

My guess (don't know if I am right) is that the realisation will make you hate your marriage more and more as you can now see how you have been trapped by your dh. The more you hate your marriage, the more difficult it will be to be friends with your dh IMO.

You do seem to like the companionship of your dh. Perhaps the only way you and your dh can have any sort of friendship may be once the marriage is over? A separation might improve your friendship?

From what you say, I can picture you free of your dh, mobile enough to care for your children, separated but having your dh as a friend in your life and a father to your children. I know this is an ideal but it could be something to work towards?

I think your priority is to find out what will happen if you leave your dh right now. Get legal advice, speak to social services about your mobility issues, find out if it is at all practically feasable for you to end your marriage while your mobility is not good.

If 'yes' then at least you know you are not as trapped as you suppose. If 'no' then you will know what you have to do - up to you whether you then choose to do it.

Hi Hecate, read all your posts. Its a tough one when you know your dh will fight for the kids. You gotta be prepared for that and all the emotional upheaval involved. Losing weight is just one goal, I think another is your self esteem, and your need for sexual self esteem.

You gotta start looking inside yourself for support and not from your dh. The thought has crossed my mind that your dh does like to have your dependent on him, especially when you mentioned he is of late disapproving of your family. Does he praise you for losing any weight?

Honey would it be possible to go to your doctor and see about a gastric band or something - drastic I know but you need something to change your perception of you and your situation - you deserve so much more than this!

didn't say hecate that one of the things my sister values is the space being offered to talk about her weight, without judgement. She gets plenty of that from other people.
Lovely to see so many suppoertive posts. 84 for a Sunday morning - says a lot.

Your dh seems to have big problems but he probably loves and needs you and doesn't want to lose you because you are an amazing and interesting woman.
I think it is easy to abuse each other in a relationship when one or the other feels a bit low in spirit. But self abuse is the bigger problem. If someone tries to put you down because they feel low reflect it back like a mirror, don't take it and don't give it either. Love yourself, love the other person, aim high.
I think you should steer a million miles away from feeling like a victim, or feeling bad about who you are.

Hecate,

Congratulations on losing posh! Its a real achievement of which you should be very proud

Counselling may not have worked previously but you need to write down what exactly isn't working for you at the moment and how it makes you feel. Then on the opposite page, write down about the life you want and deserve. Keep it safe.

Go and seek help, you will not be the first to see your GP and will not be the last. Perhaps as mentioned earlier, some financial assistance may be available (nothing ventured nothing gained).

It takes courage to acknowledge when life changes are needed, you have done that and lost posh already (half way there)!!!

We all face life changes which scare the hell out of us at times and we may settle for 2nd best. For me, I made the life changes 12 years ago and now have the life that I wrote down about! Be brave and good luck!

That crossed my mind too papillon

I once watched a documentary about "feeders"
basically people who encourage the obesity of their partners.They do subtly or not so subtly encourage over eating and sabbotage efforts to lose weight.
A kind of "keeping" of someone to feel needed

They are seen as the poor long suffering one having to "care" for their partner. It
has a similar result as munchausen by proxy syndrome.

Hecate I think you sound amazing.

Hecate, I will come to this later because I would like to think about my reply and give it some time, so this may be Monday night.. I just wanted to you to know that i've read it and feel you have cause for concern with your dh and other women, police etc and that you are in self preservation mode and know that if your dh had been half decent you woud not be using him.
Relax and have a nice day, if you can.

Hi Hecate - there have already been some very good posts here, and hopefully all together we can help you through this.

I am not surprised by the clarity and wit of your op, despite the sad situation you are in. I often read your posts and your blog and you have a real way with words and describe very difficult day-to-day situations so poignantly and so funnily.

And it is this clarity that convinces me that you basically know what you want, but you are not yet sure that you are strong enough to get there by yourself. But you have come so far already - with the weight loss, with the fact that you are such a fab mom to two lovable boys and that you cope with everything that life throws at you.

We all struggle with self esteem at times, and although our situations are very different, I recognise a lot of what you have said here in me. So let us continue to be your rl friends, and maybe we can support you and also all learn from this experience.